I put on my thinking hat but still rambing like a mad woman...

I looked at his face and asked " Do you think woman deserved to be harrased if they are not wearing a Hijab?" He made an annoyed face and said "That is ridiculous and why do you asked such annoying question?" 

I told him about what happened to my friend who was sexually harrased until she had to quit her job and a guy friend asked whether she's wearing a Hijab when the incident occured. He then asked "So? he's a jerk." I told him that the guy is quite pious and always shared advices and hadith about religion and stuff. He chuckled and said "You know whatever he's sharing with you are just copy pasted version of stuff he found on the Internet. Betcha, if I write anything in Arabic and make a fake Hadith out of it...you guys will share them blindly without even considering to check the source." I asked "Why do religious people do that? You know, gives the impression that they are pious and stuff and yet act like judgmental prick." he replied "So you already know the fact that he is a prick...religion doesn't stop you from being an asshole. So he can still be a religious assholes."

I asked him "so if I don't like him, would it make me imbecile?" He said "I don't know. But why you don't like him? because he is religious or he is judgmental?" I replied "because he is judgmental of course. He once asked me if I think thoroughly about having a relationship with you. I do find it irritating but I dismiss it because it is normal for people to have sentiment. But then, one of my friends pointed it out how rude he is to actually ask that and it made a perfect sense that I feel annoyed because of what he did and not because of what he believe."

He smiled and said "aren't you an asshole too? Nobody is perfect. He is still your friend. if you really feel irritated, just ignore him. Didn't you say that you lost a lot of friends along the way? Some times it's you who is an asshole and some times it's others. If we keep on getting bugged over trivial things we will be lonely in the end."

My boyfriend might not be one in a million, he doesn't drive BMW, he is not the kindest person on Earth, he is just an ordinary guy whom I hope I could spend the rest of my life with. I am a better person when I am with him. Whatever I am not, he will make up for it. I just pray that we will end up together. Not like a malay drama type of relationship but the real engaging emotionally and intelectually type of relationship where we can stand equally as tall and sit equally comfortable with each other. 

My grandpa....

               I never knew him in person. Still from time to time, I try to get to know him through his writing. There's not much I can gather since he"s gone as early as my mother was only six years old. So I get to know bits and pieces from his siblings. His education background, his job and some trivial stuff. However, there's always a wall built about who he really was as a person.

                As I get to read more about his writing that mostly revolve around a teacher's life, unity between races, being both liberal and pious at the same time, the pride of using the national language, being the Islamic preacher to the aborigine community, spent time partying at the club, the experience of being a Malay communist. I began to have a suspicion about what kind of a guy he is.
Receiving the best of both world (western education at school) and (islam education at home), he grew up leading a life without clear focus on which path is more pertinent. he had the brain yet he was adventurous for his own good.

                Ever since he was a child, he was always a traveler.Collecting stories and experience with him as he go places. His heart changed and swayed as time goes.

                Just like every youngsters in that era, he could not help but be politically incline. In one of his book, he showed his inclination towards the Japanese, on another towards the communist. His view though somehow seems erratic, after reading between the lines, I could finally see..He just one to break free from his own community.

              He keep on pointing again and again about the problem inside the Malay community. The underlying message about racism, injustice, corruption, lack of initiative and envy. This has made me realize, the disease is not new. it exist long time ago and exist till now.

               He is the same as me, I don't like my community as much as they don't like me. I am the black sheep. It's not because I'm special and above everyone else. But I was born to rebel and to question.

               I was brought up liberal. People try to impose value in me. But then, when I start to question, their answer is never satisfying. Then they start to recite the ayah to me " And We have put a barrier before them, and a barrier behind them, and We have covered them up, so that they cannot see. It is the same to them whether you warn them or you warn them not, they will not believe."
 (Ya sin 9-10) to prove a point that I'm the imbecile and the non-believer which is to me is quite frustrating. If one cannot question, how could their mind be rest easy. Does by threatening me of the hell fire would help me erase all my doubt.

               If God really wants us to be docile and obedient, why create us as human? with brain and emotion.

                I guess that's exactly what my grandpa felt at his time. Being who he is, erratic and undecided. Bound by cultures and norms that he involuntarily has to be a part in it. the dilemma of choosing the right path without the luxury of trial and error. His isolated island is through his books.

                This made me thinking. Should I start my own pieces too. Not for everyone to read, but frankly just to get my temporary peace of mind before I find the answer for what I'm really looking for.

Rants and raves of the stupid bimbo...

I don't have a degree in economy...I'm just a dumb bitch who's lucky enough to get a scholarship to further my master perhaps maybe because I'm a Malay by birth..and seriously, regional integration course won't make me get paid any higher that what i already earn right now..I'm just a bit highly qualified person to teach your kids ABC...but with this god given brain..with the passion I have about policy...I took time to study them every chance that I got..I study policies, manifestoes, blueprints, orange books, red books, white papers, black papers and anything I can get my hands on...just so that by the slightest chance I can make people see that utopia doesn't exist..that the dress that perfectly fit the lala on the way to the club somewhere might look like a rag when you wear it.. It's easy to have a simple mind, to have one cure for all the deseases...implement hudud to prevent crime, toppled the govt. to have more prosperous country..I'm disappointed that people actually believe in those shits...it's not enough to dream and to make it happen.., it's important to understand that we live in an imperfect world with a flawed system, once you put your sentiment out of the picture then you can be rational about things. Most people forget about rationality when their emotion is provoked. And the people with motive and objective take advantage on it. I once thought by being a teacher I could change the way the kids think, but some of the teachers brought their sentiments to the classroom and were proud of their doing. Now I get it when people say I'm too loud and that I'm just wasting my time or that I'm a poser who thinks  I know it all. I DON"T KNOW every goddamed thing on this Earth..but what I don't know I compensate by reading..and not reading some shit just another blogger sprout and make it my bible...and you know what...being in my surrounding..It's easier to get your mind set on something and stick to it rather than empathizing with everything around you and trying to look at different angels and perspective...being in my surrouding, I don't have to waste time to read and study any legitimate paper..I just cite whatever blog I've read whom the author hid behind a nick name as my credential resource and go rampant keyboard warrior style on  Facebook and claiming that other people who are not in the same note with me are either ball lickers or ass kisser...and I rest my case....

Racistly funny...I give you the Malayan Trilogy

Currently reading The Malayan Trilogy by Anthony Burgess...hillariously racist....and no race left untouched...be it Malay, Chinese, Indian, Punjabi, Sikh, Chetty, Achenese, Bugis, the Sakais, Siamese, American, Australian and the British themselves...well, the book is restricted but not banned...if you look hard enough...you might find it...the book revolves around booze, hot temperature, communist, hot mat salleh chicks, sultan with many concubines, the horny sikh, chinese towkeys, MCKK (name changed of course..but it wouldn't take a genius to guess) kids with lousy white teachers and administrators, the white policemen who would often take a so called 5 minute naps after lunch, the black magic like santau and love potion, pork craving, spitting, bleching, fighting, kniving, fornicating..the book is funny and dangerously impolite..so if you have a faint heart...don't bother reading it...but it's nice to know the racist things people could come out with...especially about our grandparents' generation...no matter what race they are....

Dear my Malay friends..my take on being Malaysian and unity...

Do you know that one of my idols is Prof. Emeritus Khoo Kay Kim. He could be claimed as the most prominent Malaysian historian by far. He knows more about Malaysia more than any Malays know, and he speaks Malay language as Fluently as any Malays..He publishes lots of books, journals and articles and often invited to give a speech or lecture about Malaysian history and oftentimes invited to give analysis on politics...and yes..he's not a Malay...

Have you ever heard about Prof Madya Lim Swee Tin, who brought the Malay Literature to the international level? Ever read his work, Puisi 100 tahun Kuala Lumpur? if you didn't..go and read it now...and yes again..He's not a Malay...

I happen to learn under this guy named Prof Sivamurugan Pandian. Besides being invited to talk in the news a lot to share his brain juice with the audience, he happened to teach me a Malaysian History...and guess what...he too is not a Malay...but is very fluent in Malay language...

But these three guys, act more Malay than any Malay that I met...they speak Malay Language fluently that make me feel ashamed with myself, they are so patriotic about Malaysia more than some of the Malay I ever met...so what the heck now I'm trying to talk about...

I've been living in a Malay only community and I studied for two years in one and I know how fucked up our Malay mentality is..not to mention when it comes to religion where we can so freely call other people kafir just because we like it...so don't talk about unity if you don't have any idea what it needs to be truly integrated...

I have mix Malay friends whom either parents are from chinese descendent, not long time ago..but second generation, third generation..still asked question...is the food prepared here is Halal...I won't eat here if it's cooked by the Chinese...and I was like....for fuck sake, your mom is a Chinese, your grandma is a Chinese...what is your problem?

If you can't find even the slightest bridging point about unity...what the heck are you talking about pure unity. Superficial unity driven by some political attempt to win the election won't change the disease and corrupted community we are living in...we never want to compensate...we are afraid of losing...It doesn't matter what our race is..we always have our sentiments..unless we get over it...nothing's gonna change...

Just look at Egypt my friend,The Tahrir Square is the witness where the Muslims and the Christian work hand in hand to protect each other to overthrow Hosni Mubarak...they succeeded...but what comes after? Do you think the coup de tat by Asisi is the real issue here...how many report did you read at the paper about churches being burnt...may I ask who burn these churches??? Santa Clause? Asisi? the Malaysian media doesn't cover about it much right?..why?...coz we are too absorbed about morsi being wrongfully kicked out of his seat...and who cares about churches being burnt...and this my friend,.this is what a superficial unity will get you...

I totally don't think our current government doing a good job at all, but considering the alternatives...I really think..people are out of option. The people in general are not ready..the fake coalition won't bring any good..I could give my middle finger to PAS anytime if they said they are willing to work with DAP in a real sense..hell no, that's not gonna happen..what's gonna happen...they will run each state separately...divide them even more...and the gap will become so much wider than it already is...

Just compare the differences between Penang and Kelantan...you don't need a genius to analyze how different they are to each other...it's been proven many times...that they can't even sing the same language again and again...letting them run the country is equal than just letting the civil war to happen...and PKR can't do shit about mending this issue..they are so busy finding the dirt about which corrupted individuals they need to expose while at the same time still finding time to be as sexually active as the other side...but not exclusively to their wife and always so stupid to let the act be accidentally or not accidentally recorded....

Well, what I meant to say is..Politics is not the best tool at all, when it comes to teach the people about unity, about being a Malaysian, about understanding by heart what 5 National Principle even mean...

All of you who talk about unity and real integration really make me sick to my stomach..you don't even know what unity is even when it's served to your face...I still have a problem on how to convince Malay students that they can be as good as their Chinese friends in chess..I still have a problem on how to encourage the Chinese students to be more active in sport...and I still have to deal with lots of drama from the Indian students...I try hard to make them not to notice any differences, make them see beyond their skin colour, make them think that they are equal in every way..looks, brain and physical ability...

Unity is hard...empty talk will not help..especially when the effort is lightweight and done half heartedly..that's why I laugh when people talk about unity....for parents, teach your kids wisely...i can tell you..although my mom work for her Chinese boss for more than 20 years, has more Chinese friends than the Malays, she still unable to teach me what a true unity is..she still bitch and gripe about the stereotypical character of the race rather than pointing out the individual himself/herself is a full fledged asshole....so until we are able to teach our kids about it, and practise it in our everyday life...just shut up...

Those three person I mention above, are the person who go beyond their own race and decided to become a Malaysian in their own way...when people look at them, people don't see their race...they see Malaysian...

Hanging out..

Why do friends stop hanging out with each others?

Well...this issue is quite sensitive to be brought up...a friend once asked me "Why does A doesn't want to hang out with me anymore?" Wow...that's tough....and it's really hard to tell the truth and you often find yourself sugarcoating your words especially if you are the third party...

But sometimes, we have to swallow the bitter pills...if one party cease to hang out with another...just let it be...you might be hurt..you heart will ache...but, things change..somehow, best friends of today might be a stranger of tomorrow..you have to expect that, for some...you are no longer their priority, and your way no longer suit theirs...

Well, for example...if some of my friend find a new religion, a new concept of survival and the way of dealing with their coping mechanism..our old ways won't fit their needs anymore. If you are married with kids, and you go out with the singles, and you spend most time tending to your babies rather than talking to your friends...your friend might lost interest and find you uncool...

Well, recently I was invited to Zouk by some acquaintances..the girls who came with me really know how to drink and enjoyed themselves..they took the dance floor and dance their heart out...and I almost suffocated to death because of the smoke, and I'm thinking to myself, finding reason, making excuses about not to call these youngsters the most stupidest ass I ever met..but, hey...I try not to be judgemental...just let them deal with their shit..

This part is the hardest to handle, I practically have to make my glass of coke full all the time..and giving excuses like I need to drive later..to stop them from pouring anything into my glass...so I took out a PSP and play it while others were so busy dancing to the beat and consuming the whiskey and vodka on the table..yeah, and the girl who invited me drink so much that she vomit so bad later (jeezz...the toilet is even worse than the Mamak's.) While sitting beside some group of Japanese people at the next table. Someone said to me "Wow, you are the first girl I saw playing PSP in the club.." I don't know whether it's a compliment or not, hahaha...as if I care...

and why do I bring this up? because I remember some sugar coated words given to me, when I asked someone "Why did B lie to me?" so, this girl came out with excuses such as "awh..she just want to protect you.." and I was like...wow, protecting me or protecting herself? Is she afraid I'm going to badmouth about her to others...well, yeah...I guess..when the lies keep piling up and she keeps on putting a straight face in front of me. Yeah, i would definitely whine and start talking shit...I don't want to be part of her life, or join her in any event with new friends what so ever...just don't fucking lie..and me badmouthing is just a pinch of the salt to the already made dish...people talk, and if you don't bother to listen to a word of advice...my job is done...but I will still give a shit each time you fucking mess with me..

When I was in Germany, I realized something in me has changed..I actually calculate my steps in everything I do, becoming more secretive and not willing to vomit unnecessary details in my every move..being so secretive about what I do, where I go and with whom. The Germans are very private people, they don't like to publish or give exposure about themselves. Some of them actually say, why would they feel the need to documenting every act of foolishness that will make they frown seeing themselves in that unfavorable situation later. Some stuff should stay private, so I learnt and I realize, although my thinking is still very much childish...it's shown in every aspects of my life anyway, but I slowly learn how to separate personal things with my professional things...after I broke up with my 5th boyfriend, and listened to the long winded lecture about how girls should not put everything too much on the social media because of this and that..I discover the hard way that the consequence is not so nice...

Once, the Canadian friend of mine said this to me "Why you always act like an asshole on the internet, when you are actually a nice girl in person?"...hahaha..FB really brings out the bitch in me...but, seriously if someone doesn't bother to know the real you, doesn't even make an effort to hang out with you...why bother trying to be liked. I'm not in a beauty pageant competition or some reality TV show for the most loved person on Earth..I really don't care about not being liked. I would rather people hang out with me despites my assholery and oddity rather than put on a mask, and fit in with people who doesn't even care and look at me like I suffer from a severe mental illness.

Well, Fb mirrors me as some kind of bimbo, asshole, sharp tongue, selfish, always thinks she knows everything, smart ass type of girl...which to some is considered as a very high level of annoying...I guess, FB really amplifies this ugly side of me...so I decided to slow down on my personal stuff in order not to muddy my already scratched reputation...make it so family friendly so that when my mom decided to take a peek, she won't find any sign of obscenity..so as years go by, I becoming aware of certain things I was stupid to understand when I was young and foolish...

Well, I seen and heard some ugly responses from people or strangers judging others especially on FB, that I did not even want to open my mouth to repeat it...coz, I realize..people do talk behind my back too...a lot...so, I don't want to care shit about what other people say about others...it's the least of my priority..and when my friends talked behind my back, I have to admit that I'm full of flaws...so they have a right to voice it out, discuss about me and my flaws...coz I do that from time to time with others too...So i tell to myself, no more pics I don't want my future children to discover, and use it against me when I want to teach them about prudence or self respect. No more pics, if  one day I happen to be the people of power, that people can use to blackmail me, no more pics, that will make people focus more on my lack of moral virtue rather than my ability to get a job done..no more pics, that will make people comment about my fat ugly body...so that's it..

People says, true friends will have each other's back, tell others when they do wrong and bla bla bla...well I guess not, friends who knows you so much are your worst enemy, you hate them the most, especially when they come out with some sort of unwanted advice, or showing the face "I told you so" when you get screwed up...you would rather hang out with friends who encourage your foolish behaviour because that friend understands you the most..we are designed to be selfish..we make our own moral compass and we break it..and we don't want people to judge because we know ourselves better than anybody..and when we do something stupid, we believe we can handle it, we have everything under control and we are definitely not as stupid as any other stupid people who do the same stupid shit...No shit that we are that narcissistic that some people do get annoyed and they secretly wish our bubble burst or the cloud become the rain soon enough...

One friend told me that "I don't want to hang out with C because C is arrogant and always want to win" and deep inside, I say, hey I'm arrogant too...and tactless...one day you might not hang out with me too, if I push your button often enough..

Another friend scolded me "Why you still hang out with them? They gossip a lot...and their mouth travels everywhere..." and deep inside I say, well yeah...I'm not so innocent either..and they do have some positive characters...

So, hang out with friends is not easy...people change...priorities change..one might like a quiet birthday celebration in a restaurant this year, and decided to hang out with the cool crowd and go alcohol binge the next year...so just don't put so much expectation and get hurt when people don't want to hang out with you..just find new friends...people whom you are comfortable with at the moment and stick with them..and when the connection is not so strong anymore...learn where the exit door is..and don't be so quick to pry in your friend personal matters especially when they being respectful enough not to bother with yours...speak only when you are spoken to...

BTW...after all the experience and experiments with some legal, partially legal and illegal stuffs...I realize...I'm really a tight assed person whose definition of fun consist of a very nerdy stuff inexplicable to the mind of the mainstream...I guess in the end, a rebel without a cause have to admit that she is a total lame ass nerd...but i'm okay with it....

Muslims? Assholes?

I think we should refrain ourselves from talking about religion so much...it just happen Muslims are the majority in Malaysia and Islam is the official religion...people like to be associated with religion to show that they are the cultured/ more refined people...and sometimes to prove their point..people go to the extend to do some kind of the so called self-righteous act to prove that they are better than the mass....this hypocrisy doesn't only apply to Islam but to other religion too..and some agnostics also from time to time try to make a point that they are better than the people with religion...they debate,they ridicule, they take great pleasure of the fact that they don't talk like the mass, they don't think like the mass and they feel it's a moral obligation to educate the mass.
The bigotry is not exclusively held by the Muslims..for religious people we call it bigotry, for the non-religious we called it plain ass-holery...the least thing we can do to deal with this issue is to stop talking about it.I for myself not really a pious girl...but there are things called invisible line that should not be crossed..
I had the most torturous time living under the same roof with the extremes..and now having the urge to spit them when they suddenly become so buddy buddy with another extremes from a different group..when I know fully well it's just superficial..my point is..things always come in layers..one cannot just assume and conclude just by consuming what's fed to you...just seeing the tip of the iceberg is not enough...our knowledge is superficial and there are lots of things need to be clarified..one focus too much on the simple logic that they fail to see the bigger picture..if it's so easy to change the mentality..to break the taboo...things would changed a long time ago...apparently, it's not...asking rhetorical questions such as Can Muslims Think won't help changing anything...I'm aware about the draconian law..I'm aware that being born a Malay, I am automatically be a Muslim..but I'm not the one who spent years learning the subject about Islamisation...my knowledge about islam is superficial too that I can't actually argue..because hypothetically I will lose the battle before it even started...
I have 3 non Muslims blonde and blue eyes lecturers who studied the Islamisation for their doctorate, they can argue about Islam more than I can argue about it myself, when I enter the office of my agnostic Indian boss...there are collections of books about Islam and other religions occupying most of his bookshelves...he knows so much about stuff that I actually have no idea myself..
Do these person read and studied about Islam so that they can belittle it? No...they do that because they want to understand. When they understand...they become respectful...One can talk about Islam like they know everything...even the non-muslim now start to say "that's not islam...this is not islam...bla..bla..bla...but one fail to understand..the most religious and pious people have no concern debating about their religion..people who claim to be religious and to be righteous did..Islam is universal..but islam in Malaysia is intertwine by tradition that has been uphold since long long time ago...I hated the idea that I can't touch the dogs although it's an open secret that people know that I snuggle with the dogs like most of the time...it's my freedom to touch them and to play with them...and I took pictures of them...displaying their pic in my fb pic although mostly it resulted with my mom screaming out of her lungs about WTF am I doing and now all my aunts are talking about it..and surely no Malay guy want to marry me now...bla bla bla...but certain line shouldn't be crossed..not because you are scared of being judged...but as a form of respect..as a form not to be an asshole...
People are too sensitive by nature, and sometimes when they are too sensitive they become so quick to judge, to be angry and to be mad..knowing fully aware of this...I don't get it why some find that it is necessary to push the button so much and so often...It just like playing the game who can be ruder? who can be a better troller? who can start a new civil war?
Can Muslims think? Of course they can think...but does that mean everyone of them has to give their view on every thing? Do they even need to tell others about what they really think? The muslims in Malaysia is already divided because of many stupid things..do they need to be divided again because of another stupid things like dog bathing, or just because some girls can't be a beauty queen...or because some rude kids think that it's cute to play with food..We had enough of stupid Muslim on the plate...who crush the cow head as a sign of protest for the temple building, who threaten to burn the Bible which has Allah's name written on it...now we have to deal with another stupidity from the outside...
Why doesn't Christian, Buddha, Hindu or any animistic follower doesn't get enough coverage or controversy regarding their religion? It's simply because their religion is the minority and not stated in as the official religion in the constitution....If Malaysia by any chance, has the fire-worshipping religion as our official religion..I can assure you...there still be people who butt-hurt easily, and others who make fun or the fire-worshipping religion just for the fun of it...or some so called true to cause individual who wants to educate people about how fire can burn the whole house down..
Religion is flawed because human is flawed...even psychopath is born with religion, but when he murder people..would people associate his action with his religion or with the state of his mind..so we just stop talking about religion...stop questioning them to the wrong crowd..and just stop paying attention...assuming that religion is an armor to protect you...just remember what captain america said to iron man "Big man in a suit of armor, take that off and what are you?"
It doesn't take religion to be an asshole...it just take you...