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weeee....dah lame xupdate....lately tiap kali nak update je...connection kt skola asik haus plus aku maleh nk update blog kat skola...nampak sgt mcm aku curi tulang....so aku decided nk pakai broadband balik....n update d blog wit d comfort of my home...
During the past two days...aku n member g main air terjun....sgt brrrrrrr....coz aku dpt pakej mandi air terjun n air hujan....but aku xupdate blog aku psl air terjun...itu aku akan letak kt the other blog...since this blog...is more to touchy touchy feely feely....so aku concentrate dkt perkara yg saiko atau penuh emosi....or jiwang karat...
The best things about hanging out with a friend...is sesi berkongsi perasaan...n then again...of coz la akan sentuh pasal laki....
So kitorg pun berdiskusi tentang letting go....one of my friend said that...between boys n girls...it's the guy that always having the problem about letting go...even though the love is gone...they will still try to hang on to it...i don't know what the reason is...it might be the greed or their possessive nature...I don't know what to make of it...
I'm still mending my broken heart...still lying to myself that he will come back...but I don't know....i really have no idea...
my two parts of the brain are so full of craps....voices keep talking to me...as if trying to help me justify the unjustifiable stuff....fix the unfixable...unscrewed the screwed....N i'm lost in the translation....
In my right hand, I have to decide whether i should stay n being just friend with someone i used to love wit all my heart...I still hurt when he said those words to me....THE LOVE HAS GONE....why love is so important that when we run out of it we start throwing everything away...the good and the bad....n if the love is gone....why giving me flowers...why treats me with the nice steaks in town, why buy me expensive clothes with less function and what about buying me my favorite books.,...why being nice to me when you practically dump me months or years ago..And i still don't understand how I could chill and watch movie with him plenty of time after the break up..how still exchange smses whenever he's out from that middle earth...i could not justify it...if it just a habit formation...and it sticks...why does the love doesn't stick???? and why after all these years he wants to see me again...I just wish I'm not reading too much into it...after my bleeding heart is able to dry....it's easy for me to falter...coz it is not a F***king movie...where the prince n princess live happily ever after....somehow I wish that he was wrong...and I was right....the love has not gone...it still there...we just lost it...the way i lost it when he decided to end it....but my heart still ache...i pray to god that he will quickly get married so that I can put a real end to it....
on the other hand...i thought i already find someone who is just fine...just right...where when both combine...it could complete each other...but then again...reality slapped me on the face....I was tricked...n i start I asking myself what's real...coz i really don't know....I know nothing about him as I thought i did....all those words he said...i don't know if it lies or the truth....and I feel stupid...coz I thought I am a clever person....guys couldn't play trick on me...and his act was real enough to fool me....those words with lots of emotion...the puppy eye...it makes me want to drive my head to the wall....n though i keep telling people n myself that I don't buy him anymore....but deep inside I really want to believe in him....
And I find myself stuck...the first guy who is unwilling to let go...when it's about time to....or the guy you never ever take an effort to wish for my birthday or asking about my health....who server the ties exactly at the moment we are done....and I still hoping to settle the score with him....I am so damn pathetic...
I know i should move on...i just have to meet the guy and hit it...but look at me...i grow double my size....my health is not pristine as it used to be....I'm getting more n more selfish n annoying everyday...I don't know how to be nice to guys coz I think they are a bunch of D***heads....I don't know how to go back in the game anymore....
Even though I want to...but I can't...I dun know if it is considered as weird...but I"ve been traumatized with the whole experience...and I could never look at things the way I do now that I've grown up n aged...and I past the playing stage....I don't want to go back to the dating zone....n i'm too freak out to settle.....i know i should find for the solution...but part of me saying...it's not worth it anymore....
i'm not a person who cheat their partner....but everywhere i look...it makes me lost hope in the word trust anymore....i've erased it from my vocab list....

am I too old for a romance....

I'm not a person who believe in love at the first sight...and after series of failing relationship...it makes me getting angrier and angrier with man...but when watching romantic drama series...deep inside my heart...i still think that there is a hope...

I have a difficult personality...the truth is..I do think that I'm not in love with the boys i had relationship with before...I do love them..I do share the same things in common with them, i do get along with them...but I'm not strong enough with them...I can't imagine living my life with them..I always finding ways to run or pushing them away in the end...deep inside my heart I knew...it will never work...I just knew it....

God knows I never cheat...it's true..i ever like someone else when I'm with a relationship with someone else..but I do not cheat....hence being cheated several times drive me to the wall...I'm no angel...but If you can't accept me the way I am...why start it? Why gives me hopes,showering me with empty promises....when it's all end up like a piece of useless junk....n in the end you chose someone else...someone else who better than me...do you have any idea how it affects my self-confidence??

It's hurt so bad that it creates a hollow in my heart...I don't know why it hurt so much...but the fact that you choose someone else over me is hurting me. Love has nothing to do with it. it is the fact that i've been abandoned that smothering me.I'm not good at dealing with rejection. So when I open my heart just to fail..it's really drives a blow to my face. I feel like a sore loser...being dumped by a loser...that's the worst...then how can i look at man without being skeptical...I becoming more n more like sylvia plath everyday...

And I think about my teenage life,about the way i handle romance...i chose to run away, to dilly dally, to amuse myself with affection then jump out of it...I always end up dating the other guy when the guy that I like is other person...I don't know why i do what i do...but it just me...maybe deep inside I'm addicted to pain of losing more than anything....

I have no expectation anymore...secretly I wish i don't have to be bothered by this anymore...but I'm still a girl...n I have feeling...n the emptiness inside me...needed to be filled...I just wish i could function normally like other people...coz even having a conversation with a man freaking me out lately....

Film Director-Writer ANTHONY WONG KFC Voice of Tomorrow

Why don't you try with me???

As we stepped into the adulthood ville, no matter how much we want things to stay the same...it will surely left you devastated..friends whom you thought would have stood by you so long, who would never turn you away...changed their color until you could never recognize them anymore. The environment that blanketed you so warmly and cushioned your step with cotton candy had changed into an alien surrounding that make you heart beat turn faster and faster and you start tip toeing cautiously for the fear of stepping on the hidden booby trap. You are stuck and unhappy.

Most of us feel the same way, and sometimes we just don't know how to escape from it. Everyone is facing the same problem. Some choose to find escapism, some choose to get lost in the maze to the point of no return and few take efforts to find themselves. As for me, I still in the process of finding myself, though things have not really improved the way I want it to be, but I guess I'm doing just fine.

I see some of my boat partner ending up getting sea sick from the journey while some drown themselves in. I'm not in the position to judge coz i've been dealing with the same problem. But since, we know that this boat is taking us to somewhere we never know, I choose to be less of a drama queen (although sometimes I did "soap operaing" things) and try to work things out.

Life sucks!! Admit it. Life sucks when you are forced to move away from home, living in the social circle which is not your social circle, fitting in so as not to be isolated, pointing your head permanently towards the earth, plastering your face with the smile as a mask, buying things you don't need so as not to hurt someone's feeling,deafened your eyes and tied your tongue and pretend to be ignorant just to be liked by others...it is shitty...but that's life...that's what we've been through.

When i had a boyfriend, I always managed to find time to sulk and complaining and complaining until he got tired of hearing, it might be hard to admit. But I know i had it coming when we broke up.I forgot that he has his own problem to deal with and why should he care about what i've been through??? He's not the one who ask me to move 100miles from my home, he's not the one who ask me to work, it's not his fault i can't fit in,it's not his fault if I've been bullied, he has his own life to live, why should he be burdened with something that's not his doing at the first place and why should he listen?? It's dawn onto me, that my life is for me to deal with. Everybody is unhappy, why bother them.

If you miss your friend, find them. Drive miles away if you really care, don't just wait for them to knock on your door.And when they decide to knock your neighbor's door you start complaining about how nearby you are and your friend don't even take effort to knock.In friendship, it takes a lot of effort to glue it together. Coz friends always come last, When you are happy with your husband or your boyfriend..you don't bother to share your happy moment with you friends, but when you arguing with you hunny bunny, then you sought for your friend's attention. And when they fail to give the attention you need the most, you sulk and said they don't care...when you don't even care to say hi and actually care to know whether your friend is happy or sad or in a good shape or grieving with broken relationship.And you start comparing your life like you are the only victim in the universe.

If you are so unhappy with your life, find time for yourself. Stop saying shitty things about how lucky this or that fella is. coz the difference between people who get what they want and don't get what they want is they taking the effort to make it possible. I find my escapism in doing something I like that does not bother other people. I read the comics, I play games, I travel wherever I want, I do all these to make me happy. So stop saying "it is good for you to be free as a bird unlike me", "it is good when you have no commitment unlike me", "it is good you don't have any responsibility unlike me", "it is good you have money for yourself unlike me". Because I took effort in doing these things. Driving miles away is not fun, it's tiring. But I choose to do it because it makes me happy.Travelling cost a lot of money, but I choose to do it not because I have plenty of money to spend but because doing it makes me happy.If being by your significant other makes you happy, why should you compare your life with mine??? and said how lucky I am to be free when you have a commitment to fulfill. I didn't ask you to get hitched at the first place. and maybe, i would be dying to be in your place. But I couldn't, so I choose to do what i know to do.

I tried not to be jealous with other people's life and be grateful, and it's really hard especially at night when i return to the home with no one beside my own shadow.Switching the television on the whole night to kill the deafening silence that invading every corner of the house.keep my hand phone in power-less mode as often to kill the urge to call someone at the middle of the night. Trying hard to make a sense of everything. It's not easy. But I try not to blame somebody or God for my misfit. I'm trying so why don't you try with me???

friendship...

semalam member aku tepon aku tanye khabar....tanye aku sihat ke x n etc etc...pastu die tanye pasal member2 aku yg lain...aku jwb terdaya yg mungkin....but mostly aku jwb aku xtau....hmmm....truth is...aku malas nak ambil tau dengan org yang xkisah pasal aku....i have enough friend to suffice my need....so I don't see the purpose of having unnecessary friend who thinks of your existense as nothing but a past memory....

This friend is a good friend. Aku masih igt lagi die pernah backing kawan aku mase kawan aku kena maki dengan seorg classmate aku yg kerek bley tahan...this guy is freaking mind his own business fellow, the type of guy who follows the mass but keeps his own identity and passive to the core....he is a sweet little boy who adores girls and protect them. That's why he is having difficulty to find a girlfriend...coz he's too sweet....change please...girls like jerk better than gentleman....

So this friend is a gem...he keeps finding ways to keep in touch with his friends n he cares too much...unlike me who had enough of caring the uncaring friends....And I know deep inside he feels underappreciated coz he knows full well that his friends could never care the way he cares.

Aku sebenarnye malas nak komen lebih2 pasal friendship coz i'm not a good friend myself...mcm aku pernah cakap sebelum neh...klu ko ungrateful and selfish...ko xbley la expect ko dpt kawan yg willing to sacrifice for you n mengadap ko 24 hours a day....aku adalah jenis yg susah nak refuse org yg dalam kesusahan....maksud aku sejak aku besar dan ade kepale otak ni la...dulu...hmmmm...sama taraf je.....So sedikit sebanyak aku faham apa yang mamat nih ingin sampaikan kat aku... aku xtaula a definition of true friend tu mcm mane....but for me is simple...if they willing to text u more than 10 smses for something so trivial in a day....or texting you just to hang out.....or simply texting you to call how you are doing and has no other intention besides your well being...they are good friends....Good friends don't have to be cool enough to make you feel famous...coz you are not the character in the Gossip Girl and you definitely not in need of minions to follow u around...or the other way around...having a cool friend doesn't make you cool...it only makes you look shallow...wake up...the world doesn't revolve around you....

Friend who cares about you is not a friend who leaves 1000 comments in the FB but never bother to have a face to face conversation....admit it...some friends are not worth it....coz even if you are dead...it is no concern of theirs....stop being sentimental or nostalgic...find times to get rid of these 'not-feeling-you' friend...coz they only look for you just make them feel better about themselves...or so as not to be called SNOB....or because they need help....I know it sucks losing a friend...but it is suckier to have undefined friend rather than having imaginary friends....

If your friend has becoming more and more selfish and narcissistic....stay away.....If your friend feel hurt because she thinks she doesn't deserve to be mistreated for being a bitch...just turn a cold shoulder...stop wasting your time telling her what is bothering you...trust me...they won't listen....Friendship is not about trying to maintain it....it's about living it...it's about being there and share the mutual feelings with each other...if the relationship doesn't sync...leave....

Terase dgn aku....????? ade aku kisah????

Well...this is actually the old story....but tetibe aku rase emo bile igt balik...n dat particular person pun asik tanye aku ape salah die.....The answer is simple actually....I don't bother....
This girl pisses me off by texting me and calling me and ask what she had done wrong that makes me not wanting to wish her birthday....WTF.....and usually when she started acting like that...she definitely do something bad towards me....DEFINITELY....
Is she so important that i have to wish for her birthday...when she can casually rule out mine from the diary....I'm not a person with hatred....but I remember clearly giving every one of my friends their birthday present last year including her.....I'm not trying to be calculative or expect a present from her.....but if she forgets my birthday n I'm cool with it...why does she has to call me and sulk because i dun wish her for her birthday....it annoys me...when friendship is taken for granted....and what am I to you????Someone who should remember your birthday?????I might not be a good friend...But I'm trying hard to make things work....but if you don't care, then why should I care???I'm not your mommy or your babysitter....I'm just your friend....And sometimes i do get tired of giving......when the others only do the receiving....
I wish my friends happiness in life....whether i'm part of it or i'm not.....but don't expect me to do something you wouldn't do to me.....

is he worth the wait?

I no longer could justify things with my own logic...not be able to act as normal couple is killing me...Why can't some guys just pay attention to lots of things instead of focusing on one thing. This limitation is turning me off.

I know I demand too much for what i think is too little from my own perspective. What does commitment means? I have no clue and i have no idea. Is abandoning a girl friend for the sake of study really makes a guy become successful. Is woman a form of distraction from getting to what you want to achieve. Why does woman always being a better multitasker compare to man.

If a man says to a woman, why don't you wait and do whatever you want while I'm busting my ass off studying for our future. I'll call you when it's over. I will always find you when I want to find you. So what am I? a doll to play with when you have the time. You pamper and spoilt me when you have the time of your life and when things turns the other way around...all I get is silence and the same old phrase "you don't understand" again and again. Is that what commitment really means? What is the meaning of sugarcoating me with the word future when the present itself left me plenty of room for doubts. If I am better off alone,if i can do all the things myself, if I'm so good at handling myself without getting any help from you, What is the meaning of being together. What is the significant of you in my life.

I am a skeptic person.I tried to change my view on things.To look at things from the brighter side. but the fact that my first REAL love died in a car crash, the second one wanted to become a rock star so bad that he flunk his A-level third time in a row,the fact that i turn a cold shoulder towards my own boyfriend because i have a crush on a jerk whom I don't bother to have any relationship with, to waste my time with just-out-of-school boy who is not really my type and dumping him for his avid availability and quick to call 24 hours a day to check on me, to spend three years of relationship knowing fully well it will go nowhere and avoiding confronting with it till the last minute it's over and currently having a relationship with a boy who hasn't finished his study and uses the word "I don't know" as his mantra. I don't think being a little miss sunshine suited me.

I completely lost my faith in the my-brain-is -where-my-*****-is creature. and if this time, with my current boyfriend, if things still doesn't work. I've HAD it. I'm done. I'm tired and i believe I'm cursed. I'm not the type who flirt, I'm not the type who play sweet little dolly in front of a boy. It is really important for me to find a guy who can see me for my self. But why are those guys who able to do just that will end up wrecking my nerves every second they have. Why can't I be with someone normal? All i need is a guy who can cook, who can do the chores, who can fix things, who can make me listen and obey. Why does this man extinct? Why does the man with charisma and understand girl the most ended up being a homosexual freak.

a friend told me, each of us has our destined companion. And if that person ended up alone at the old age or becoming the second or the third wife. It means, their partner is already dead. What if it is really true? That my first love who is dead was suppose to be my predestined companion.Does that mean, the probability of me having a true love is short lived or simply stumped by his death. Am I gonna end up old and wrinkled alone by myself. Then again I curse man for being reckless with their life. The reason there are so many unmarried woman nowadays is not the fact that these woman now has a career but their supposed predestined partner died earlier because of lung cancer or accident.

Well, as far as myself is concern. I'm really done this time. If things doesn't work. I don't want to try anymore. Every time I look at man one of these days, I feel really annoyed and wish for their extinction. World would be a better place without them.certainly....