not funny

aku dlm phase post-operation...utk sampai ke stage operation neh....sakit aku menanggung tiap2 bulan...xbley nk cerita...cume org yg pernah rasa je yang tahu....aku dah setahun lebih duk di johor...n dah 2 kali undergo operation....call it bad luck or whatever.....i dun know why....
1 st operation, appendix pecah...well time tuh mmg rase nk putus nyawa dah...only god knows....luckily time raya...n aku dkt umah family....so sebab cepat bertindak aku masih bernafas....if aku kt batu pahat...huhu...aku dh innalillah kot....coz aku duk sorg kt sane....but that is my 1st experience being immobilize n incapacitate.....it's hurt...but time heals everything....later...tetibe badan aku naik mendadak...my back start to ache...i thought it is due to my weight...n my abdoment hurt real bad especially during pre-while- post menstruation...n my cycle isn't normal...n i can't move due to the acute pain...n my only friend is "painkiller"....n guess wut....another operation incoming...bcoz of 2 things...my cysts are getting bigger they affected my reproductive system...n the appendicextomy scar sticks like glue to my bowel n abdomen wall..thus reducing my metabolism..here lay the answer of my hormone imbalance n why i'm getting fat though how much i exercise n the reason i feel pain every time i do the sit up........so i hv 2 go through another operation to remove the cysts n freed my bowel from the scar tissues...n it get me thinking.....
when i was happy back then...i was free from ailment.....but now, when everything goes haywire, my health also decreasing...i realize...i'm not happy...no matter how much i try...i'm still not happy....i want to be somewhere else that can make me happy...
No offense to anybody...tp aku sgt rase terseksa n trapt....fitting in the social circle that is not my social circle...macam balik ke zaman aku kt mrsm (except aku ade kwn kt sana)....aku risau lebih lama aku duduk di johor n xhepi....mcm2 ag penyakit yg aku dpt...
it's not funny if my stomach have to be cut every year...it's hurt....n though how much i think lightly or make fun about it....deep inside....it's my goddamn stomach....n i'm so freaking uncomfortable to get through this....

My resolution for new year....

hahaha...aku neh beriye2 berazam tapi jadiknye xtaw ag....tapi aku benar2 bertekad utk jadi seseorang yang aku suka....oleh kerana beberapa faktor yang aku xbley kontrol...aku jadi gemok...kerana gemok...aku malas nak carik pakwe baru (n aku mmg ade suspicion yg kuat bahaw exbf aku curang pasal aku dah gemuk)....n aku xhappy kat tempat aku kerja sekarang (yep, aku tipu diri sendri je cakap yg everything is alright...) but what choice do I have????org lain bley gune reason nak ikut laki utk pindah balik kl...aku jgnkan laki...bf pun xdak....sob sob...(mode drama queen balik)....
sepanjang tahun 2010...aku xhappy...aku jeles dgn ramai org...aku jeles dgn A sebab die dpt sambung belajar sampai PHD, aku jeles dgn B coz badan die makin kering n bley pakai baju lawa2 utk ngorat ramai anak ikan, aku jeles dgn C wlaupun die xlawa tp dpt pakwe hot,aku jeles dgn D coz die gemuk macam aku tp ade pakwe juge....hahaha...tgk aku punye hasad dengki...tp aku setakat jeles je la...xde la sampai nak jumpe bomoh main santau2 org or doakan yg xbaik utk org lain...waras ag beb...tp kerana masalah kejelesan aku yg agak ketara aku jd seorg yg give up...aku malas nak buat sesuatu dgn bersungguh2...coz aku dah bermentaliti "eleh kalau aku buat pun...bukannye dapat ape...." n aku bertambah2 xhepi...
bukan xde org ngorat aku...tp aku maleh nak frust menonggeng agi...pastu dgr ayat rewind2 berulang kali....aku dh bley hafal skrip kaum yg ag satu tuh...sampai aku nak muntah....dari yg kategori anak ikan, bapak org, datuk orang....same je skrip die....aku xhampe...cume sudah bosan.....
Aku nak sangat happy mcm dulu...aku nak jalan2 sane sini, aku nak jadi aktif balik....bley watpe yg aku suke...klu kat tempat yg aku duduk skang, aku betul2 mati kutu...
Aku xmahu dianggap xbersyukur...tapi aku sgt bosan hidup macam ini...hari2 kena jalan menjengket mcm pijak bara...aku keluar g kedai pun org pandang2....everything I do bley jd bahan yg makan diri aku balik...yep aku ade kawan...aku ade izzah n hana h aishah..but people who knows me tahu aku org yg macam mana...aku sgt suke buat hal aku sendri...aku suke merayau2 jln kt shopping mall whenever aku nak, lepak baca kat borders berjam2 tanpa org kisah, main game kt starbuck sesuke hati aku sambil minum lemon shaken tea....tengok wyg cerite yg aku suke 3 movies in a row....g seven eleven tgh malam buta nak carik slurpee...makan kat gerai yg best tanpa org pandang2 mcm jakun gile....n start gosipping...anak dara mana makan sorg2 tgh2 malam nih...so shitty man....
aku xde kebebasan utk makan, utk tgk wyg, utk shopping or utk bace buku yg aku suke kat sini....nak jogging apetah lagi....aku ngeri dgn mata2 jantan gatal yg memandang...aku saiko bile bangla sebelah rumah aku mengorat aku...or pekerja kedai makan mintak no telefon aku....n ase pathetic...aku ase sedih.....n aku ase low gile.....
Perkara2 di atas turut menyumbang kepada masalah kegemukan aku...doc said...cyst + hormon xseimbang + stress + asik tido = kegemukkan mendadak....damn....aku xmkn byk pun....still aku gemok bcoz of external factor....
n bile tunang best friend aku yg lack sense of humor make fun of my extra weight....wtf...aku sumpah tunang ko gemuk balik...hohoho..jahatnye aku..lucky him....he's so lucky dat he is my friend's fiance...klu x...sudah lama kena makan penyepak...
same goes to other people....esp my mom...everytime i eat something...die kata...badan ko dah naik...sedangkan aku baru je nak menyuap makanan.....then xpyh la masak...so aku xpyh makan....why masak if pastu bising2...i eat what you cook...not like i eat some extra food excessively......if there's nothing 4 me to eat....I won't eat...that's me...I'm not some glutton that eat everything in front of me....
Throughout the year, aku xhappy....n aku nk buat diri aku happy 4 next year...I'm gonna start exercising...walaupun aku tahu fee gym kat batu pahat absurd gile punye mahal kalah fitness first...but I want to get in shape again..I realise...if i can undergo so many big things in my life....getting back in shape won't be as painful as what i was going through.....
I want to be myself again...the petite me...the rotten me....the bitchy me...I want to learn to say No, to do things for myself n never bother about what will other people say...I want to be able to look in the mirror n not hating myself....that's enough for me....i hope i can make it achievable....

aku melalak lagi....

tadi tetibe jari jemari gatal menaip nama si dia di google...aku jarang melakukan aktiviti xberfaedah ini sebenarnye...tapi oleh kerana aku dlm misi menyiasat identiti dan background sorg mamat pilot aku aku kenali secara xsengaja..aku pun berkata pada diri sendiri...sambil menyelam usya lah kaki awek2....
rupe2nye si A telah membuat satu blog....dan die macam hepi je...xde pule menyebut tentang awek baru or awek lama...kire chick free la...but yg buat aku sendu tahap cipan beranak tu...bile tgk pics2 yg diupload semuanye pics yg aku tangkap dgn kamera aku...cheapskate btol....huwa huwa huwa...aku xtaula die xde kamera canggih or bukan stock camwhore...walaupun dulu encik A suke camwhore dgn aku....but aku ase sgt xadil gile...coz die simpan pics2 die yg aku amek...chisss....ko putuskan hubungan dgn aku selambe cheeseburger...tp pics2 yg aku amik, ko simpan...sob sob sob....hamba rase sungguh hampeh dan bermuram durja kala ini....confirm aku bungkus diri dalam TOTO dan meraung ag.....cheesecake betul la diri aku sendri nih...tu la...gatal tgn lagi...omputih kan dah cakap...ignorant is bliss...yg ko xphm2 bahasa lg tu pehal....padan muke aku...

bla bla bla....

weeee....dah lame xupdate....lately tiap kali nak update je...connection kt skola asik haus plus aku maleh nk update blog kat skola...nampak sgt mcm aku curi tulang....so aku decided nk pakai broadband balik....n update d blog wit d comfort of my home...
During the past two days...aku n member g main air terjun....sgt brrrrrrr....coz aku dpt pakej mandi air terjun n air hujan....but aku xupdate blog aku psl air terjun...itu aku akan letak kt the other blog...since this blog...is more to touchy touchy feely feely....so aku concentrate dkt perkara yg saiko atau penuh emosi....or jiwang karat...
The best things about hanging out with a friend...is sesi berkongsi perasaan...n then again...of coz la akan sentuh pasal laki....
So kitorg pun berdiskusi tentang letting go....one of my friend said that...between boys n girls...it's the guy that always having the problem about letting go...even though the love is gone...they will still try to hang on to it...i don't know what the reason is...it might be the greed or their possessive nature...I don't know what to make of it...
I'm still mending my broken heart...still lying to myself that he will come back...but I don't know....i really have no idea...
my two parts of the brain are so full of craps....voices keep talking to me...as if trying to help me justify the unjustifiable stuff....fix the unfixable...unscrewed the screwed....N i'm lost in the translation....
In my right hand, I have to decide whether i should stay n being just friend with someone i used to love wit all my heart...I still hurt when he said those words to me....THE LOVE HAS GONE....why love is so important that when we run out of it we start throwing everything away...the good and the bad....n if the love is gone....why giving me flowers...why treats me with the nice steaks in town, why buy me expensive clothes with less function and what about buying me my favorite books.,...why being nice to me when you practically dump me months or years ago..And i still don't understand how I could chill and watch movie with him plenty of time after the break up..how still exchange smses whenever he's out from that middle earth...i could not justify it...if it just a habit formation...and it sticks...why does the love doesn't stick???? and why after all these years he wants to see me again...I just wish I'm not reading too much into it...after my bleeding heart is able to dry....it's easy for me to falter...coz it is not a F***king movie...where the prince n princess live happily ever after....somehow I wish that he was wrong...and I was right....the love has not gone...it still there...we just lost it...the way i lost it when he decided to end it....but my heart still ache...i pray to god that he will quickly get married so that I can put a real end to it....
on the other hand...i thought i already find someone who is just fine...just right...where when both combine...it could complete each other...but then again...reality slapped me on the face....I was tricked...n i start I asking myself what's real...coz i really don't know....I know nothing about him as I thought i did....all those words he said...i don't know if it lies or the truth....and I feel stupid...coz I thought I am a clever person....guys couldn't play trick on me...and his act was real enough to fool me....those words with lots of emotion...the puppy eye...it makes me want to drive my head to the wall....n though i keep telling people n myself that I don't buy him anymore....but deep inside I really want to believe in him....
And I find myself stuck...the first guy who is unwilling to let go...when it's about time to....or the guy you never ever take an effort to wish for my birthday or asking about my health....who server the ties exactly at the moment we are done....and I still hoping to settle the score with him....I am so damn pathetic...
I know i should move on...i just have to meet the guy and hit it...but look at me...i grow double my size....my health is not pristine as it used to be....I'm getting more n more selfish n annoying everyday...I don't know how to be nice to guys coz I think they are a bunch of D***heads....I don't know how to go back in the game anymore....
Even though I want to...but I can't...I dun know if it is considered as weird...but I"ve been traumatized with the whole experience...and I could never look at things the way I do now that I've grown up n aged...and I past the playing stage....I don't want to go back to the dating zone....n i'm too freak out to settle.....i know i should find for the solution...but part of me saying...it's not worth it anymore....
i'm not a person who cheat their partner....but everywhere i look...it makes me lost hope in the word trust anymore....i've erased it from my vocab list....

am I too old for a romance....

I'm not a person who believe in love at the first sight...and after series of failing relationship...it makes me getting angrier and angrier with man...but when watching romantic drama series...deep inside my heart...i still think that there is a hope...

I have a difficult personality...the truth is..I do think that I'm not in love with the boys i had relationship with before...I do love them..I do share the same things in common with them, i do get along with them...but I'm not strong enough with them...I can't imagine living my life with them..I always finding ways to run or pushing them away in the end...deep inside my heart I knew...it will never work...I just knew it....

God knows I never cheat...it's true..i ever like someone else when I'm with a relationship with someone else..but I do not cheat....hence being cheated several times drive me to the wall...I'm no angel...but If you can't accept me the way I am...why start it? Why gives me hopes,showering me with empty promises....when it's all end up like a piece of useless junk....n in the end you chose someone else...someone else who better than me...do you have any idea how it affects my self-confidence??

It's hurt so bad that it creates a hollow in my heart...I don't know why it hurt so much...but the fact that you choose someone else over me is hurting me. Love has nothing to do with it. it is the fact that i've been abandoned that smothering me.I'm not good at dealing with rejection. So when I open my heart just to fail..it's really drives a blow to my face. I feel like a sore loser...being dumped by a loser...that's the worst...then how can i look at man without being skeptical...I becoming more n more like sylvia plath everyday...

And I think about my teenage life,about the way i handle romance...i chose to run away, to dilly dally, to amuse myself with affection then jump out of it...I always end up dating the other guy when the guy that I like is other person...I don't know why i do what i do...but it just me...maybe deep inside I'm addicted to pain of losing more than anything....

I have no expectation anymore...secretly I wish i don't have to be bothered by this anymore...but I'm still a girl...n I have feeling...n the emptiness inside me...needed to be filled...I just wish i could function normally like other people...coz even having a conversation with a man freaking me out lately....

Film Director-Writer ANTHONY WONG KFC Voice of Tomorrow

Why don't you try with me???

As we stepped into the adulthood ville, no matter how much we want things to stay the same...it will surely left you devastated..friends whom you thought would have stood by you so long, who would never turn you away...changed their color until you could never recognize them anymore. The environment that blanketed you so warmly and cushioned your step with cotton candy had changed into an alien surrounding that make you heart beat turn faster and faster and you start tip toeing cautiously for the fear of stepping on the hidden booby trap. You are stuck and unhappy.

Most of us feel the same way, and sometimes we just don't know how to escape from it. Everyone is facing the same problem. Some choose to find escapism, some choose to get lost in the maze to the point of no return and few take efforts to find themselves. As for me, I still in the process of finding myself, though things have not really improved the way I want it to be, but I guess I'm doing just fine.

I see some of my boat partner ending up getting sea sick from the journey while some drown themselves in. I'm not in the position to judge coz i've been dealing with the same problem. But since, we know that this boat is taking us to somewhere we never know, I choose to be less of a drama queen (although sometimes I did "soap operaing" things) and try to work things out.

Life sucks!! Admit it. Life sucks when you are forced to move away from home, living in the social circle which is not your social circle, fitting in so as not to be isolated, pointing your head permanently towards the earth, plastering your face with the smile as a mask, buying things you don't need so as not to hurt someone's feeling,deafened your eyes and tied your tongue and pretend to be ignorant just to be liked by others...it is shitty...but that's life...that's what we've been through.

When i had a boyfriend, I always managed to find time to sulk and complaining and complaining until he got tired of hearing, it might be hard to admit. But I know i had it coming when we broke up.I forgot that he has his own problem to deal with and why should he care about what i've been through??? He's not the one who ask me to move 100miles from my home, he's not the one who ask me to work, it's not his fault i can't fit in,it's not his fault if I've been bullied, he has his own life to live, why should he be burdened with something that's not his doing at the first place and why should he listen?? It's dawn onto me, that my life is for me to deal with. Everybody is unhappy, why bother them.

If you miss your friend, find them. Drive miles away if you really care, don't just wait for them to knock on your door.And when they decide to knock your neighbor's door you start complaining about how nearby you are and your friend don't even take effort to knock.In friendship, it takes a lot of effort to glue it together. Coz friends always come last, When you are happy with your husband or your boyfriend..you don't bother to share your happy moment with you friends, but when you arguing with you hunny bunny, then you sought for your friend's attention. And when they fail to give the attention you need the most, you sulk and said they don't care...when you don't even care to say hi and actually care to know whether your friend is happy or sad or in a good shape or grieving with broken relationship.And you start comparing your life like you are the only victim in the universe.

If you are so unhappy with your life, find time for yourself. Stop saying shitty things about how lucky this or that fella is. coz the difference between people who get what they want and don't get what they want is they taking the effort to make it possible. I find my escapism in doing something I like that does not bother other people. I read the comics, I play games, I travel wherever I want, I do all these to make me happy. So stop saying "it is good for you to be free as a bird unlike me", "it is good when you have no commitment unlike me", "it is good you don't have any responsibility unlike me", "it is good you have money for yourself unlike me". Because I took effort in doing these things. Driving miles away is not fun, it's tiring. But I choose to do it because it makes me happy.Travelling cost a lot of money, but I choose to do it not because I have plenty of money to spend but because doing it makes me happy.If being by your significant other makes you happy, why should you compare your life with mine??? and said how lucky I am to be free when you have a commitment to fulfill. I didn't ask you to get hitched at the first place. and maybe, i would be dying to be in your place. But I couldn't, so I choose to do what i know to do.

I tried not to be jealous with other people's life and be grateful, and it's really hard especially at night when i return to the home with no one beside my own shadow.Switching the television on the whole night to kill the deafening silence that invading every corner of the house.keep my hand phone in power-less mode as often to kill the urge to call someone at the middle of the night. Trying hard to make a sense of everything. It's not easy. But I try not to blame somebody or God for my misfit. I'm trying so why don't you try with me???