confessing my crush...

I had a conversation with my coursemates and suddenly it leads to somewhere else....but then again...with girls...the conversation always lead to somewhere else or something else...one of my coursemates said that there was a couple in our senior's batch that met during the course and eventually lead to marriage. evidently, in our group, there is one of us that never had any boyfriend before...she's a muslim foreigner...and she told us about her father being strict about such issue...well of course if you are 23, any father would be strict too....then again, at 23 I already had my 4th BF, not something i can be proud of, it only shows that I am a loser in that area...but still I have experiences when it comes to boys or men...whatever...
Throughout my 27 years of life, i come across so many crushes...and I realise they have so many things in common...which are the reasons why later i chose to shy away or avoid any contact with them..because ideally..I always choose domesticated boys rather than the dominant type.Race or origin is never the issue...I don't care which part of the country you are coming from...a good guy is a good guy whether they are Malaysian or foreigners....I'm more concern about their personality....and how they become their own person...
I might be lying if I say that, physical attribution doesn't play part in me attracting to someone...but as long as they are pleasant looking...it's fine...because i can definitely differentiate between the physical quality and the personal quality they possess...
I like a guy who doesn't talk much in public although they tend to talk much when he is in the comfort of his own good friends...a cool guy doesn't necessarily have to be an open book for people to read. He usually has a strong take on something he believes in although some might find it ridiculous or uncool...he doesn't necessarily have to be hot, but his level of reasoning and the way he carry himself is hot....In older guy, I do idolise  Mahathir, Benicio Del Toro, or even Einstein perhaps....they are their own individual, they do not try so hard to be cool...they just have different ways to carry themselves....
In younger generation...of course I would be interested in guys who act matured and composed in their manner...they don't easily get provoked and instead of becoming the center of the limelight....they choose to avoid it...not so much out of shyness or the fact that they are socially awkward but because they just don't like the attention given to them...Some people, do emits the aura that attracts people towards them...and those guys who practically aware about it but don't really bother about his own attractiveness is always the coolest.
But...there is a fine line between a crush and actually having a relationship with someone...crush is just a crush...I'm the type of girl who put the plus minus of everything before proceeding to the next level...the hardest part is always about whether the crush is one sided or two sided.....before having a firm stand about this....the crush will remain a crush forever....and sometimes by having a crush instead of a real relationship, we tend to idolise them more that way...because we don't know them much...we just idolise or like the image of him...this image might be superficial, but since it's just a crush...so it doesn't matter much....
So on the way home, i spoke to one of my coursemates that of course i do have a crush on a particular male coursemate of ours...but later...considering all factors...it is better for the crush to remain a crush....but I think, from my own view...since the first time i saw him...I think he's cool....and yeah...i admire him for that...and that's it....
By the way, i don't often talk about my crush even to my friends...because of the uncertaintiness of the situation or they might think I have gone crazy if I actually dare said "I do like him.." So coming clean about that to one of my coursemate...and now thinking about it again...I slap my forehead....and ask myself "why did you say that?" i feel so ashame right now.....