We exchange emails, picture of each others and SMS messages. I am not so hopeful myself, as I'm not at the top of my best self.....take everything as slowly as I could....he seems very intelligent when we converse with each other...and seems very respectful. He avoid using all the remarks I have allergies on like calling me honey, baby, sweety or such nonsense....he doesn't even try to use a baby language a.k.a ( retarded mode of lovey dovey for lovesick teenagers type of conversation) with me....I give him credit for that....he seems mature...but considering his age...it's reasonable for him to display that characteristic...
So he thought, it is about time we go to the next stage...meeting for real...I truly hate this part....I really don't want to do that...part of me refuse to be turned down after the first meeting. Hesitantly about the idea, i try to buy some times....giving excuses every time he try to bring the issue up....the truth is, I'm just not ready....
So my friend called me and asked WTF am I doing...I told him, I'm not ready in which he replied...grow old and wither by yourself then....I don't know how to right your messed up head anymore...I asked him...this man you hook me up with....do you think he would even consider me in real life? He replied "I don't know Amy, he seems nice enough, his track record with girlfriend possibly shorter than you are. You two could be friend, at least....You know it's kinda hard to find a Malay Malaysian male that really approved of the way you lead your life....and this guy doesn't care shit about stuff"
Being really offended about the 'statement of how I live my life', I can't help but raise my voice...and said just because you are happily married now, you can't simply tell me that I lead my life the wrong way...You used to be like me...you used to be screw up too....don't you forget who you were....
Realizing he went too far, he apologize but he still insist that he's really mad with me. I told him, I'm just not ready. I will work things out somehow....thanks for being so concern.....
The truth is, i'm just tired....I told my other friend...I'm tired of convincing people....I'm tired of constantly being judged for being myself...the pass experience still haunt me...hearing words like I am not good enough is killing every confident bones in my body....I just don't want to get hurt again..I never be good enough... i never be good enough....after everything I did, i never be good enough....it's not enough that I don't slut myself around...I must condone to certain custom to preserve my Malayness.....it's not enough that I have a somehow level headed conscience and faith...I must abide and condone to culture and customs practices that emphasize on physical appearances for the sake of convincing other people...that I am really good....like preaching to others is good, like being so self-absorbed about my own religion is good...it's not enough that I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't just open my leg to man....I must be a hypocrite too....like being all goody
two shoes to impress guys..covering myself from head to toes to show that I'm really really good..fuck that....I don't care...If I have to wither and die by myself...so be it....I'm tired...
Remember the story about the carrot, the egg and the coffee...when you put them into the boiling water, the carrot went soft, the egg went hard and the coffee gave good smell....You know what...I am the egg...the hard boiled egg....I hate carrot and coffee gives me migraine....so egg will be just fine....
This was refreshing. I feel for you, I really do. After living here for so long I both love and feel sorry for the Malays because I know how they tend to judge and criticize one another and others as well. Most cannot separate the difference between being Malay and being Muslim. Because you are good at one does not mean you are automatically good at the other. There is a whole world of Islam outside of Malaysia. Maybe that is where you need to look to find the one? I thought I had the one myself until recently when the hypocritical ways many here live came to the surface. She claimed to want to be better with me. I gave her the respect and encouragement to become a better Muslim but it seemed only with me. With others, even while still together, she still did as she always did - inappropriate conversations, insinuations, flirting, etc. The line wasn't crossed but I can only hope it was because she was still with me (though she did her best to kill our love long ago and I should have walked away rather than fight for us) and because at least one of them was a married man.
ReplyDeleteI've never known so many callous cheats in my life and I supposedly come from the orgy-filled West. LOL. Seriously, start looking abroad where it is recognised that there is more than one kind of Muslim and culture is only culture. What I always liked about you is that you debunk the norm here. Like you said, judging and worrying what others do is not your thing. You come to terms with whatever 'craziness' you did - though you said you didn't 'break' any of the major sins in Islam so don't get what you feel you did wrong...
Thanks Ryan... :) Sorry that your relationship with that one didn't work out well...it's unfortunate that sometimes we have to live with the hypocrisy and it becomes part of our lives...I've done my bit in being a hypocrite...and you are aware of that too...I suppose..;D Not so innocent when it comes to that...but when people start judging.I just snap...because I've tried...and I couldn't..and it's frustrating...so I don't care anymore...somehow it makes me more selfish than ever..
ReplyDeleteQuote Amy: "like being all goody
ReplyDeletetwo shoes to impress guys..covering myself from head to toes to show that I'm really really good..fuck that....I don't care..."
OMG I must say this tactic seriously works. That's why itz the most often used tactic in catching a guy. Good guys always end up with the dorm slut who covers herself from head to toe...sad but true :D
Perhaps the dorm slut is good in bed...LOL...I'm bad...owh..I'm bad...
ReplyDelete