What da heck....ilang respect aku kt minah ni...

Sebelum ni, aku sgt respect dgn minah ni. Well, since aku mule2 de Fb, memang aku purposely add die, nizam zakaria and imran ajmain coz tiga2 ni, memang aktif menulis dekat FB notes....dulu xde FB subscribe mcm skang ni, xde fan page pun....so klu nk get in touch...memang kene add direct....but then time tu mereka bertiga tidak sepopular sekarang....coz time tu baru naik...and ideas diorg...penulisan diorg, mmg aku minat....but then things change, Imran ajmain bukak fan page kt FB..and dieactivate fb die.n die pun dah  xmenulis di fb notes ag...nizam lak, pas jd director pun.pun same..sudah jarang sgt menulis...so aku pun hilang interest...and minah ni pulak...buat lirik lagu memang best gile...dulu selalu la die post puisi or cerita2 yg best...so walaupun aku xfollow lagi Imran ajmain dgn nizam zakaria...aku masih follow minah ni...
but things change...dulu die xlawa sekarang...kirenye humble and down to earth...nak post gambar sendri kt fb pun susah....tp sejak dah glemer...dan bergaul dgn nyah2 ni...memang dah pandai melawa dan camwhoring...aku respectla dgn perubahan die...dari xlawa mane jd lawa...aku xkisah pun die post gambar sexy...itu hak die...tp sejak akhir2 ni, die byk update status byk citer pasal die xsuke pasal laki ajak die tidur la, nk bayar die la, bla bla bla...lelaki miang la...and die kecik hati bile de rakan artis tanye die menjual ke.....sentap dowh...hmmm...aku faham perasaan die...laki memang gatal...dah dapat tgk free, mesti nk try rase free pulak...hang pakai sexy giler...hang xbley la nak expect laki xde mata...aku pun benci laki pandang2 aku macam nak telan..tp dari aku buang masa ceramah kt laki yg memang otak letak kt anu tentang mereka perlu mengawal nafsu serakah mereka...baik aku pakai baju sopan2 sket....hak tuih...jantan ni...klu ko pakai jubah labuh satu badan pun diorg sangap....but then, utk keselesaan sendri...terpulanglah pade yg tuan punya badan....
aku pun dh xde hati nk follow die sgt coz, asik2 letak gambar tayang badan, tayang lurah, tayang peha...well, aku ni pun bukannye baik sgt...de je gambar aku yg sexy....but then xde la aku camwhore hari2 depan kamera wat photo update lak pakai baju tido, pakai skirt pendek, pakai baju nampak lurah....kalau aku buat confirm pastu dapat private msg byk 2 dari lelaki durjana...dan penerajang dari mak aku sekali....
Oleh kerana aku skang ni asik mengadap FB, so aku terperasan small details yg aku jarang nk amik peduli sebelum ni, part recommended page....recommended page ni ade lah page nk friends ko kt fb like...so fb akan cadangkan kat ko utk like juge...aku bukak le recommended page ni....Alhamdulillah...semua pun yg elok2...hohoho...mane2 kwn fb aku yg macam haram perangainye...terutama lelaki durjana...walaupun kawan sendri memang aku delete mentah2....so aku tau kawan2 fb aku sopan2 orang nye....sampai la ke satu page ni....KL ESCORT...wat the heck????? siapakah sang durjana yg pergi meng "like" KL ESCORT ni...aku pun...dgn busybodynyer...g la menyiasat siapakah sang durjana itu...well, when it comes to doing something not beneficial and totally waste of time...aku memang resourceful...and aku find out...org yg like KL ESCORT tu de lah minah ni....
Haloooooo....ko punye la mempertahankan diri ko yg ko xjual badan ko...yg ko sexy utk kepuasan diri...but what the heck....mujur aku bukan wartawan...or fan yg suke melihat kejatuhan orang lain...klu x, dah lame aku anta email kat Beautifulnara ke, rotikaya ke...hmmm....hilang terus dah sisa2 respect aku kt minah ni....dah le de orang kate ko sebenarnye transvestite la, khunsa la...aku tetap sokong ko...sebab lagu ko best....now that I know ko menjual...hmmm...no more...and be careful what you do on the internet...klu aku bley dapat tahu...orang lain pun bley juge....

PMR result....

Hohoho....PMR result dah kuar.....semua orang pakat2 post slip periksa adik masing2 di FB.....sambil puji-pujian bagai...ahaks...nasib baik time kite dulu...fb xde ag...well, congratz to SABians yg masih mengekalkan ranking the best sekolah harian di KL.....hahaha...teringin aku nk menganjing seseorang....yg kate begini "at least PM study kt sekolah aku, sekolah ko....setakat Yusoff Haslam jerrrrrrr...pe kellassss...." dan yg sewaktu dgn nyer....suddenly Ewwww kepada diri sendiri kerana so high school giler up sekolah sendri....but agak terkejut coz student SAB dah ramai....time kitorg dulu max 100 lebih je satu batch...itu pun kena tambah kelas...but these days....one batch can reach 300....maybe SAB dah buat expansion...or memang ramai budak pandai2 sekarang..
Tapi jeles wes, time aku dulu time amik result PMR....xde sape pun ikut...hoho...dilema ibubapa yg bekerja la katekan....dapat result terus call mak aku.."mak, I dapat 8A" and mak aku kate "ok, tahniah"and letak phone....xigt de wat celebration ke.....yelah dah lama perkara itu berlaku....and xdpt present pun....well, it's ok...coz aku belajar bukan nak dapat hadiah...but untuk kepuasan diri sendri...hahaha...ayat standard...
Tapi budak2 sekarang....xyah result PMR...dapat nombor satu time peperiksaan akhir tahun pun, dah request macam2...contoh terdekat....adik aku itu...klu xde reward, jgn harap la die nk belajar....sungguh berbeza....zaman aku dulu....xde maknenye ko nak request dapat handphone ke, dlsr kamera ke, basikal fixie ke, ps3 ke..atas kecemerlangan akademik ko..hahaha...sebab time tu mende2 nih xwujud ag.....or kalau wujud pun....sangat mahal....and it's not a necessity...so kalau dapat makan kfc...pun dah kire ok.....
but mentality sudah berubah, parents nowadays cenderung untuk membiasakan anak2 bergantung kepada material comfort...or maybe budak2 yg peer pressure.....
Kids nowadays grow up too quick, learn too fast, and what's scary...when they fall, they fall too deep....it reminds me of the Captain America quote "Big man in a suit of armour..take that off, what are you?" macam xde kene mengena kan...hahaha...well, armour tu symbolism of our material belongings...bile kita ade semua benda tu...kita rase complete...kita rasa besar, selesa...comfortable....we feel like we have everything....but then....when those armour are stripped away from us.....what's left? so i really have no idea, if we keep on feeding these type of armour to shield the kids from the harsh world....are we really do them good?
It's a challenge to raise children in this era....i don't have one yet...but i have living proofs of two in my house..so i guess i have an idea what the parents out there are going through....and xyah la buang mase bg ceramah free yg bermula dengan ayat "time kitorg dulu....." sgt mencurah air ke daun keladi...pe diorg kisah....
But then, as parents....bersederhanalah dalam memenuhi permintaan anak2.....because in life...nobody cares....and cube reverse saiko budak2....bawak g tempat orang susah, bawak diorg g jenguk rumah anak2 yatim...bawak melancong tempat2 yg bagi budak insaf sikit...well, aku cube dari semasa ke semasa bawak adik aku g tempat2 macam ni...biar die berotak sikit....teringat aku mase g wat volunteer work kat rumah anak yatim tunku budriah....bila aku bg chocolate...diorg makan kt situ juga....cepat2 habiskan...aku kate "kalau x habis...simpan dulu...nanti makan lagi" budak2 jawab "kalau x makan sekarang, dah xdpt nk makan lagi...coz senior akan selongkar locker diorg every time ade orang datang wat volunteer work and rampas barang2 yg diorg dapat....see...dekat rumah anak yatim pun de gangster ok....ko nak lari mane dah bile duduk dalam tu....mak bapak xde nk backing ko...klu report kat warden, lunyai ko kene belasah.....same goes mase aku wat program anak angkat kt besut....aku spend 2 days je dgn budak2...tp mase balik diorg de yg nangis2....rase diri dihargai kejap....coz aku xdpt duit sesen pun buat kerja nih....feeling tu xsame macam aku g mengajar kt sekolah....coz budak2 tau...aku dapat gaji ajar diorg...so pun xde lah nak hargai gile2 ape yg aku buat....coz they know I'm paid to do that...and aku pun...klu budak sudah kerek sangat...ditambah dengan parents yg what de heck..pe aku kisah nak kembalikan mereka ke jalan yg benar....janji gaji aku masuk....
owah...sudah melalut2 aku ini....baik aku juga kembali ke pangkal jalan.....sekian terima kasih....

hidup untuk diri sendiri....

Usually aku xberapa nak layan citer jiwang2 nih....supplier citer2 macam ni klu kt umah aku adelah adik aku....kepala dia agak jiwang sikit...so bile die pasang citer Istanbul aku datang kt tv....aku tengok je lah sekali.....mak aku dok melangut....sambil tanye...lambat ag ke citer ni nak abis.....maybe aku dh tua...so kegedikkan sang girlfriend sanggup mengejar sang boyfriend jauh sampai ke turki semata2 nak kawin...aku rase sangat desperado...i keep questioning...how about your life? ko xde bende ke nak achieve selain jadi bini die....apparently she is the princess type, dengan cekak rambut riben besar, kasut tinggi....and agak bimboish rather than divaish....so I ask my bro...sape script writer....as expected....Rafidah....hahaha...well i see a little glimsp of gol dan gincu and pisau cukur in this movie.....so dah bley agak....the female character mesti lembik2 and sgt girlish...anak orang kaya or so called high class punye community...but in the end akan dapat empowerment ...by being dumped first....
and that Beto guy is kaya bagak siut....bley sewa rumah kat Turkey all by himself just by being a comic illustrator...my 1st instinct would be to dump Tomok for him....who wouldn't.....as a guy....rumah die sgt kemas and well organised....and he's living alone....i never see any ordinary Malaysian bley sewa rumah sorang2 oversea....where the cost of living is high....klu setakat menyewa kat thailand ke, singapore, indonesia ke...still masuk akal....but to live in Turkey...where the cost of living is ridiculously expensive....especially to foreign people....he's damn rich...haha...digressing from the real issue....
Aku xnk kutuk cerita ni...ok jer bagi aku la....de gak scene2 yg seperti dejavu....hoho....dan yg paling aku rasa menusuk kalbu masa Beto cuci rambut lisa kt sinki....well, kalau aku rase sgt sedih dan depress...aku akan g saloon and cuci rambut....the feeling that someone membelai rambut ko...although they are paid to do that....can help reducing the stress....sebab tu la kalau budak tgh marah or sedih....kita kena belai rambut diorg....supaya diorg boleh rasa kasih sayang kita kat diorg...well, at my age...you cannot just go to your mom...and ask her to belai your hair....so although it sounds a bit disturbing...i find the replacement by getting my hair washed by the shampoo girl or the boy.....wee....now i sounds like a weirdo.....
But at that moment....i feel like I want my gay best friend...too bad..my gay friends are either too divaish, too high class that everyone seems like unclassy peasant compared to them, not talented enough, not refined enough, not urban enough....bla bla bla....well...even the straight, heterosexual friend are sometimes like that too....hahaha....perhaps i'm the one to blame...not a very good friend myself....haha...digressing again...
well, the moral of the story....dalam citer ni...carefully read the sign...before ko buat mende2 bodoh seperti di dalam cerita ini....if dari awal2 your bf cakap, die busy, jgn datang, open your eyes..quickly find the exit door...jgn tipu diri sendiri la wes...if he really loves you, he wouldn't do that..he would say over and over again that "he wishes you were there".and dia sendri akan usahakan untuk bawak ko g sana....bende nih bukan utk pompuan je...laki pun same....a male friend of mine...pun pernah kena macam ni....and ramai lagi orang kat luar yg macam ni....and in reality....after lots of time and money wasted....ko jgn expect la de org mcm beto tu....so sweet sgt....life isn't a bed of roses...so kesimpulannya...hidup untuk diri sendiri....bukan untuk orang lain.....at least klu ko frust menonggeng sekalipun....you have something to fall back on.....

how to instill nationalism (i should do the ppt presentation...but suddenly...it comes to this....)

                How to instill nationalism among the Malaysian? It’s a rhetorical question that everybody knows the answer but easy to be overlooked at some point.

                Nationalism has nothing to do with races, about privileges or about rights. Half a century, many of us still stumble and unable to grab the real essence of nationalism.

                What might sound like nationalism to the other part of ethnics might be different for the other part of the ethnics. Being a multiracial country such as Malaysia, it is easy to get misdirected from the real point.

                First of all, in order to nurture nationalism in the real picture, all races must try to live and integrate together. Not only literally but in real everyday life, just like what is stated in the concept of 1Malaysia about acceptance.

                Acceptance has nothing to do with toleration. As Malaysians we do not tolerate, instead we accept. Just like the bond of marriage, you can’t live with someone for the rest of your life simply by tolerating but accepting your partner’s strength, weaknesses and unique quality. Instead of complaining about differences, we should try to make the differences as a bridge to learn new things that gives benefit for the rest of the citizen.

                Just like the food that we ate in our everyday life. We got lots and lots and lots of delicious food that even when we go to other countries that we think much better than Malaysia politically or economically; we still crave for the food here. Even foreigners who had been here before and went back to their country, would say that they always look forward to come back here for the sake of the delicious food they tasted. It’s a true story that most of the Malaysian who migrated for a long time ended up went back and settling in Malaysia for the sake of the food. Nothing can beat the Malaysian food.

                Though it might sounds irrelevance to relate nationalism with food, it still rings a bell. Nationalism is all about love. With so many choices and variety of delicacies around us, the citizens somewhat will have the sentimental value about being a Malaysian and certainly it makes Malaysia is a country worth living in. Just like how much we enjoy eating Yong Tau Foo and loving it; we should have the same feeling towards the originator of the food and be blessed that if we are living in a mono ethnic civilization, we would not know how Yong Tau Foo tasted like. Just like we don’t know how Naan Bread, Manok Pansuh, Pecal, Satay and many more delicacies derived from different part of ethnics in our country. So next time when we eat something, please have it in our heart some love and gratefulness that Malaysia is a prosperous country where food plays an important factor to unite the people together.

                The next point is upbringing. The parents must have an open mind and leave the racism outside the door or getting rid of it at all. A child would look at the world from their parents’ perspective. The last things to teach the kids are to be judgmental and do the stereotypical labeling. Nationalism has no label. Labeling is the nastiest things to do towards other people. It is important to tell the children that if the individual acts unacceptably, it has nothing to do with their skin color or the type of their blood. Instead, they do bad things because they chose to be bad or something forces them to be bad.

                The children must be exposed to their surrounding as early as they could question things around them. It is important for them to get the fact right when they are still unaffected by differences. They must know it is okay to hug other races just like they hug one of their own. Just like it is a respectful thing to accept a food offering from their friend from other races instead of throwing it away in front of their friend. The simple gesture that we do every day will help molding the children’s mind later on. So it is important to let them understand about respect in early days of their life.

                Most Malaysian indeed loves to be a Malaysian but somewhere along the line, this country might not be pretty as it seems. There is always a dark side on everything. Injustice does happen and frustration might occur since nothing is perfect in this world. But it is not impossible to mend things though it might not be the perfect piece, it still can achieve the acceptable level. The most important thing that most Malaysian must remember is that, Malaysia is the place where we were born, where we grew up, where we received education till we can expand our potential and become somebody that can work on our own without having to depend on other people. More than 50 years had passed; we manage to govern our own country without interference from the outside. That’s the achievement that we should be proud of.

                Being a nationalist citizen also means being educated because the education is the only way to save people from humility and inferiority. Learning the history is important, but learning within the history is also very important. The true history is not only about the glory but about the reality because there is no right or wrong in life, it just differences, whether in ideology or in the way you look at things. Just like as mentioned earlier on, people do bad things not because they are evil by nature but sometimes, it’s the only way out. What looks like black to us might look like white to other people. Therefore, it is important to be educated in order to enable us to understand what is going on around us.

                 Education gives us conscience, gives us the ability to think. It allows us to be aware, to understand, to look at things at various angles and be rational and flexible. For example, the least educated might not be able to comprehend the beauty of opera and why the singer sings so weirdly. But if they learn that it is difficult to sing and control your vocal to sing and it takes a lot of effort to gain the ability to actually control your voice so that it doesn't break and ruin the piece. They too would understand and try to appreciate it.

                So instead of brainwashing people by telling them to be appreciative towards this countrymen or that legendary warriors for their effort in freeing the country from colonization and meeting their tragic end in the hands of the enemy, we should start by educating this present generation the meaning of their existence in this world which is to make the Malaysia a better place to live. Give them goal and objective to achieve and make the country proud be it in sport or academic or even business. Give them support be it motivationally and financially. So that they know what they do does matter and then, the nationalism or the love towards the country will come naturally if their needs and dream is not denied and being fulfilled. You could never bit the hands that feed you unless the hands are also abusive towards you.

                Last but not least, nationalism can only takes place when rigid thinking, blinded fanaticism and over excessive paranoia   are eradicated from this land. We must have in our heart a trust towards each other. We must stop thinking that the world is going to get us if we let our guard down. We must not think that we are so special that we deserve to get all the privilege. Being a Malay doesn’t mean we have a right to get things easily without really have to work hard for it since the government will help us anyway, Being a Chinese doesn't mean you have to be cunning in every opportunity that you get, being an Indian doesn’t mean you can whine and grunt about being oppressed by the other races but do nothing to change it, being aborigine doesn't mean you just stay the way you are and live in solitary away from the civilization.

                Nationalism is not the same old story about being obsessed towards our leaders, it is about doing something to show our love in every opportunity we have towards our country. Nationalism is not a political agenda, it is a public agenda. It unites people together and erasing the boundary between us. Nationalism can be shown in every way in our daily life. The tears of joy of singing the Negaraku song when we won the Thomas Cup or the feeling of pride when seeing the Jalur Gemilang on the top of Mount Everest or standing and gathering early in the morning to watch the procession of the parade during Independence Day or simply by eating the Briyani Gam at the mamak restaurant across the road and say “what could be greater than this, to be able to eat delicious food anywhere and every time I want, only in Malaysia.”

                Peace, love and respect. That’s all it takes for nationalism to take place.

wake up call

Last week a friend called me...and we talked for more than one hour...i let out all my negative feelings....she actually got me coz she felt the same....the difference is now i have to face it everyday...and her...once in a while....but somehow...because of my failure to actually handle the issue in adult like manner...i become a jerk....and act like everyone out there is my enemy...and shield myself away from them, my paranoia level is quite high.....
Looking back, it's really about some small issues...but they keep on piling up little by little and bite me every second...and of course people don't get it.... I've been avoiding talking about the issues although it is generally known to others because i thought it is not my problem....i never consider it my problem until it comes to me straight in the face....so one thing leads to another, had a first person view over some incidents....people are losing it....and it will be a matter of time before i follow suit too....
Unlike before, this time i can't just avoid it...my choice are either to swallow until the time bomb ticks to zero...or talk it out like an adult....either way, i will definitely lose it...this friend of mine talked about stuffs, the more i think of them, and the more i reflect everything....it really bugs me....unlike her, i don't have a privilege to stay away....sooner or later i have to deal with it....the problem is...how to be nice when doing it..
I admit i'm arrogant and a bit show off....me and my bimboness...can't be separated....but somehow, seeing others and not be judgemental is hard....when do we know that we cross the line from judging to just be rude and looking down to people because we think we are better than others?....coz sometimes i do talk shit about other people....therefore i have no right to call other person as arrogant....but certain behavior, when it's repeated often enough, wears me out....
I get a lot of reminder these days about the way I act and react to my surrounding, to say that i'm not mad....is bullshit....it is a known fact i'm not very good in the "taking advice when i don't need them" department... it's suffocating....and i do bitch to the wrong people...resulting to exhausting them with my whine when the real issues remain unsolved. and I hate myself for doing that...i wish i have the guts to just say stuff like "why don't you try to look at yourself in the mirror? i ain't perfect...and you neither...." to somebody and shake her to wake her up....but probably, it's me who still asleep....
but when your words start to hurt people who close to you, who once or still your friend because you thought you are way above them..and your way of seeing things is right and other people are either deluded or wrong....it's just so damn arrogant....friends are the last people you need to prove yourself to...coz a good friend is a friend who'll accept you for who you are...once you've cross the line and hurt them...what's left?? it's easier to make new friends, to mingle with the coolest crowd...but the fact remains, after lots of years....you want to forsake the great friendship just to fill your life with the current one..i could never fathom things like that.....things change, priorities change, it's good to live in the present...but when the friendship seems forced....and you just don't care anymore, why do you feel the need to stay and hurt others...
it reminds me of primary school friends, some of them i wouldn't mind hanging out....and being silly with while some i prefer not to see even their shadow....but to say that i favor them less than my secondary school friends or university friends is absurd...friends are friends...and you have to respect them and put them on equal value....when you feel that the friendship doesn't work, it's time to take the exit and move on....don't hurt them, just stay away...i feel hurt...but i don't care shit about small stuff, but others feel hurt too....and thinking back the way i hurt my friends...sometimes once in a while i do apologize to them..whatever disputes we have with each other, at the end of the day...it's best to apologize and move on with our life....
So, i really don't know how to put it into words...it's a wake up call for me too....I too am guilty as others...but when lots of people been complaining about it, and i got the heat of what's going on and it's burning me too..i ain't perfect and full of weaknesses .does that mean i have to keep my mouth shut and pretend it ain't my problem any longer.....when i feel an urge to slap somebody at the face so that she can see the reality...the real and not the fake reality that she claims to know a lot.....i guess we do need a wake up call...

walking down the memory lane....

A recent friend of mine asked me what do I look like before....coz she only sees the chubby side of me....well...since the operation...i keep gaining more and more weight...let's not talk about self confidence coz I have non....i don't even smile like I did back then...i don't even like camwhoring anymore....
While browsing through my pictures collection....I stumble upon this picture

I look so happy back then, I was a believer.....but push aside he who i would rather not mention....sometimes I keep asking, would I be able to get that genuine smile again.....I've been avoiding this topic...for quite some times now....deep inside although i try to forgive...i still blame him....but then again...it's not his fault....but the way he just walk away when I'm at my lowest...until now, although I try to be strong..try not to feel hurt...try to move on with my own life like nothing ever happened..I feel really hurt...
I know I'm not perfect....admitting that, live with that....but until now....I still can't feel secured to just be with people...the paranoia of being abandoned, or shoved to the ground like dirt....it's hard for me to swallow...I used to be so cheerful and so full of life...

An old friend of mine who previously suffer from a heartbreak, said to me, it has been 2 years...I should just get back in the game..according to her..2 years are too long to be dormant...but look at me now...just tell me honestly that you don't see any deterioration with my physical, with my emotion....you want me to go out there...with the current me....sorry..not gonna happen...coz I'm not happy....i still hurt and i refuse to be hurt again....to be made fun of...I'm not optimistic about life like I used to back then.....not so cheeky like i used to back then

 I really miss my old time when I look so genuinely happy with everything, I got friends i could hang out with.....i got friends i could be silly with....now being silly is a privileged at our age...sighh.....i just miss the past where the world seems to be within my reach and I see rainbows every where.......at least back then, i feel good about myself.....now I seem to hate everything...hahaha.....

I just hope there will come a day that I'm able to smile like i used to back then and be happy....with my life, my friends and with every one around me......

surprises....surprises...my attempt to be a movie reviewer...

I just went out with my friends....telling her stuffs...let off some steams.... been a bit stress lately with friendship....with the way things are going....about how us "the hurt" bunch...deal and coping with the situation differently....each has their own defense mechanism to protect them from hurting.... some chose to be not right at the head, some chose to be arrogant and look down on people, some chose to self destruct, i guess for myself i chose the self sabotaging method.....bla bla bla...since this is my blog...i think i deserve to be narcissistic a bit and talk about me before jumping to the movie review...so please just bear with my ME ME ME and all about ME nonsense....
So in order to not get too emotionally depressed...and focusing on doing something fun..we decided to watch a movie....I've read a review about the War of the Worlds Goliath movie, however i have no idea about the movie being local...told my friend it is a steam punk movie taking place in New York 1914..right before the world war  where the military fight with the martians...well talking about alien and New York...it's a bit cliche....
the opening scene took place at Leeds...some location in England...where the 10 year old hero's parents were wiped out by the martians...he was lucky enough to survive because the martians was killed by the germs...quite funny to think that later, instead of focusing on creating bio weapon in preparation to defeat the martians in the near future...the human chose to put more emphasize on machinery...
Although the environment is very well done, and the mechas look really astounding....but the characters...look so much American..it reminds me of GI JOE cartoon....well, I did have an expectation that the characters should be real, at least at the same par as any steam punk movie...maybe if they have a bigger budget....it can be worked out...
So 14 years later, the 10 year old boy become a captain for the crew named Goliath...under the ARES umbrella..it is sort of like a military organization against the aliens consisting of the top military officers all over the world. Goliath has 5 members,they are the captain himself as an English man,a rich canadian girl who's father owns two railways link, a black New Yorker who love his family so much, an Irish man whose brother fighting to free Ireland from England colonization and a Bugis prince from Malaya named Raja Iskandar Shah..my mouth practically gaping when his name was mentioned...and my thought was "wow, so in 1914, there is a Malay muslim royalty whom are able to climb the ladder, Oxford educated, quoting Shakespears, drinking coffee instead of beers at the pub and perform his prayer" haha....in real life....there is a fat chance it's happening...to make matter more interesting...the leader of ARES is a General from Russia named Kushnirov..and the America Secretary of War Teddy Roosevelt with help of the military scientist Nikolai Tesla....it's ironic to think that the organisation based in New York, is run by the Russian General...
There are some memorable scenes in this movie which some people might find them as a bit sensitive or stereotyping..but I think, it adds some spices to the movie......for example, when the German army provoked Teddy Roosevelt about the American being lame..the German army boasted about the fact the German manage to make the Europe crumbling down and America will be next on the list....Teddy Roosevelt lost his cool and actually involved in a bar fight....because of silly things....the brawl was stopped by the General informing the armies that Frank Ferdinanz was murdered in Sarajevo hence the World War One erupted...so the armies under ARES were asked to return to their own countries to serve....Eric the hero a.k.a the Goliath  captain persuade the armies to stay in ARES instead of going back, because the aliens will attack them sooner, when one of the armies from Japan said "but if we don't follow order, we will be a traitor and it has become a treason" Eric reply by saying "despite the fact we come from different places, we are human, instead of fighting and killing each other. We should focus on defending ourselves from the martian, because if we don't we will regret it when we watch someone we love dearly is murdered in front of our eyes, and we did nothing to stop it"...his speech inspired the armies to stay and ignore the order to join the world war...
there is also a scene when Patrick, one of the Irish armies inside the Goliath crew, asked Raja Iskandar Shah "Don't you hate England, they stole your land and make it theirs...you already live in a palace when they still living in a cave.how can you accept order from them?" (Patrick's is a double agent, he worked as a spy for his brother in IRA. some kind of militia to fight for Ireland independence. However, he came to his sense later when he realized that the martian is a greater enemy towards human kind compare to England)...calmly Raja Iskandar Shah replied by quoting Shakespeare "When there's darkness, there's ignorance" I can only assume, it actually meant if you tend to focus on darkness (symbolizes the hate, the negative feelings, the bad things), we will fail to see the bigger picture of what is more important...
One day, when they were doing the combat training, they were ambushed by the aliens, so the war against the alien began....it's interesting to see that they named their machinery and mechas with the name of the Greek mythological creatures....fight after fight after fight...and you will have a chance to see the Malay prince stab the alien with a keris....then again...at this moment,,,I started saying...."this....I never see before"...an army with a full suit keeping a keris as a weapon...i thought the heat ray was hip...i never thought in the era of steam punk, people still keep a keris inside their military suit....never cross my mind...
the movie ends with the Russian General, after losing his son in the battle decided to crash the martian spacecraft with their hydraulic Zeppelin named Leviathan....therefore winning the battle against the Martian...so it's safe to say...in this movie, the Russian saved New York....how twisted is that????
As a conclusion, it's a good movie, but they should focus more on the development of the characters...but not too bad....compared to the other Malaysia product so far...it's a good thing for tripod to dare doing the extreme....it's a good thing to joint venture with some big names...and come out with something cool...it's the next best thing for Malaysia animation industry after Upin and Ipin....

confessing my crush...

I had a conversation with my coursemates and suddenly it leads to somewhere else....but then again...with girls...the conversation always lead to somewhere else or something else...one of my coursemates said that there was a couple in our senior's batch that met during the course and eventually lead to marriage. evidently, in our group, there is one of us that never had any boyfriend before...she's a muslim foreigner...and she told us about her father being strict about such issue...well of course if you are 23, any father would be strict too....then again, at 23 I already had my 4th BF, not something i can be proud of, it only shows that I am a loser in that area...but still I have experiences when it comes to boys or men...whatever...
Throughout my 27 years of life, i come across so many crushes...and I realise they have so many things in common...which are the reasons why later i chose to shy away or avoid any contact with them..because ideally..I always choose domesticated boys rather than the dominant type.Race or origin is never the issue...I don't care which part of the country you are coming from...a good guy is a good guy whether they are Malaysian or foreigners....I'm more concern about their personality....and how they become their own person...
I might be lying if I say that, physical attribution doesn't play part in me attracting to someone...but as long as they are pleasant looking...it's fine...because i can definitely differentiate between the physical quality and the personal quality they possess...
I like a guy who doesn't talk much in public although they tend to talk much when he is in the comfort of his own good friends...a cool guy doesn't necessarily have to be an open book for people to read. He usually has a strong take on something he believes in although some might find it ridiculous or uncool...he doesn't necessarily have to be hot, but his level of reasoning and the way he carry himself is hot....In older guy, I do idolise  Mahathir, Benicio Del Toro, or even Einstein perhaps....they are their own individual, they do not try so hard to be cool...they just have different ways to carry themselves....
In younger generation...of course I would be interested in guys who act matured and composed in their manner...they don't easily get provoked and instead of becoming the center of the limelight....they choose to avoid it...not so much out of shyness or the fact that they are socially awkward but because they just don't like the attention given to them...Some people, do emits the aura that attracts people towards them...and those guys who practically aware about it but don't really bother about his own attractiveness is always the coolest.
But...there is a fine line between a crush and actually having a relationship with someone...crush is just a crush...I'm the type of girl who put the plus minus of everything before proceeding to the next level...the hardest part is always about whether the crush is one sided or two sided.....before having a firm stand about this....the crush will remain a crush forever....and sometimes by having a crush instead of a real relationship, we tend to idolise them more that way...because we don't know them much...we just idolise or like the image of him...this image might be superficial, but since it's just a crush...so it doesn't matter much....
So on the way home, i spoke to one of my coursemates that of course i do have a crush on a particular male coursemate of ours...but later...considering all factors...it is better for the crush to remain a crush....but I think, from my own view...since the first time i saw him...I think he's cool....and yeah...i admire him for that...and that's it....
By the way, i don't often talk about my crush even to my friends...because of the uncertaintiness of the situation or they might think I have gone crazy if I actually dare said "I do like him.." So coming clean about that to one of my coursemate...and now thinking about it again...I slap my forehead....and ask myself "why did you say that?" i feel so ashame right now.....

political reform...is that what we really need?

While waiting for the friday prayer to be over...I decided to check my fb...Today we have a discussion about leadership and policy in Malaysia...then I found in my news feed, a friend posted about  Soros's retaliation towards Mahathir saying he's the second most corrupted leader in the world,but for me how can you believe the word of a vindictive person without even analysing things thoroughly....there's no angel vs devil in nation building...Soros affiliation with IMF...manipulation of the exchange rate...the original sin, the rising of the tiger power...the foul play involved in Thailand economic trade that domino affected the rest of the asia, the panic, the ominous rumors that lead to Asia economic downfall....the reducing effect of Russia's import influence..the increase of interest rate promoted by Anwar ensuring that the country would reach the bottom at the fastest speed...things were already shitty back then...instead of focusing who caused the shit....the priority was given to mend the shit...anwar is incompetent when it comes to economy...that's the fact...he might be a nice person, possess a great persona...liked by other people...but Mahathir's way is what makes Malaysia achieve everything it has today...there's no point dwelling in the past...Mahathir is no longer on the throne....what matters is NOW...do we have the capacity to move forward as one nation? My coursemate actually said this in the class..."you have one shit and on the other hand you have another shit, it's just a matter of who will derail the country faster"....we still struggle to find balance in economy, racial issues and religious matter....but both parties doesn't even show a single sign of promoting the integration and equality...disparity still happen even in the opposition territories....opposition shows the superficial unity when everybody knows it's a bag full of shit....and the government's elitism practices contributed to the loss of trust among the citizen...it will not be a shocker that in the future...there will be another 13th May in Malaysia...there will be coup d'etat by the military...especially when the common people now that are so full of self entitlement....that thinking they are better educated now to voice out the opinion and criticizing things....they have a right as a citizen to earn all the benefit without even contributing much to the development of nation...thinking that by paying the tax and the freedom to vote gives them power to get away with whatever they want....Keneddy once said "asked not what the country can give you, but what can you give towards the country" the leader is the mirror image of the citizen....hasn't it even occurred to our mind that the reason we have such shitty leaders on both sides...because we as citizens....are shitty too...we are all talk....but we can't even walk the talk...we want freedom...but we never utilize what's given to us for something positive...we whine every time a new policy is implemented....and hope things will change just by whining, and the fairy will come and change them overnight...the corruption comes from within...don't be too ambitious about changing the country..just concentrate on changing yourself by being a better person, who follow the rules, who instead of receiving always contributing towards the society...one of my Japanese friend used to say "the politics is never good in Japan...there's always something wrong somewhere...but the loyalty and the fact that every citizen play their part wholeheartedly is what makes the nation stronger"...I think it's time to the citizen itself to think what really matters...the change of the political leader/party...or the reformation of the shrewed mentality that we posses....?

I miss my TESL buddies...

This morning we had the discussion related to ethnicity in Malaysia and how the disunity among the races in the local university is pointed out very obviously...most of the classes started to reflect their experiences with other races....the bad and the good....it somehow makes me miss my TESL buddies a lot...
Due to the fact that i fared quite poorly in my SPM result...I put the blame on myself for my inability to fit in the homogenous society of my boarding school due to my previous multicultural educational background. but sometimes, I have the thought, if only i stayed in SAB....things would have been better. But then again, in bad times, you get to know who your friends are....I'm not perfect..but some people did reach out to me, did become my friend and accepted me for being myself..and I'm grateful for that...
After that experience, I really put emphasize on never again I want to be in that situation. Unlike my other boarding school friends who chose to further their tertiary education by going to Matriculation colleges or institutions that end with Mara at the back...and since I got D in my chemistry subject..that automatically disqualify me to apply for JPA scholarship although I did very well in the other subjects...I still have a grudge towards my chemistry teacher because of that... I will never recognize her as a good teacher. For almost a year I studied by myself in order to avoid confrontation with her, she kept giving me emotional blackmail, saying that if I continuously show my rebellious side of me...she will 'haram' kan all the knowledge she had taught me. Her sister was equally bad. They kept on insisting that the student must respect them but they never look at themselves at the mirror...they acted like crazy women...scolding and shouting...and expected us to kiss their hands when the class ended...I could never understand that kind of culture, although I am a teacher...I never insisted that the pupils must kiss my hands. What annoyed me the most was the fact that these two women were always dress in a Jubah and waist length cloak...but their attitudes didn't represent their belief..it made me formed a negative perception about the muslimah with the waist length cloak..i could never look at them under the positive light...
So when the educational ministry offered the scholarship for TESL. I grabbed it. I didn't come from a rich family background and most of our education fund was sourced to my sister since she chose to study in the IPTS. So me and my younger brother decided to be resourceful and looking for any type of scholarship to fund our tertiary education...our parents play no part in deciding our tertiary education, perhaps they have learnt a valuable lesson when they forced their way into our education by putting my sister in UIA matriculation and me in MRSM....hoping that our rebellious tendencies will be reduced..or perhaps they at the time were influence by the rising of the Muslim awareness, realising that they were quite liberal in the way they brought us up, they thought by putting us in the blanket of homogenous community will help us find a way back to our root...evidently their action backfired...the tension within our family arose....and due to that they give us an absolute freedom to choose our own paths...but under a condition that we cannot fully rely on them for financial support..they will still give me and my brother allowances...but most of the money goes to our sister...
TESL scholarship is the best way out, and I don't hate the idea of becoming an English teacher. Because back then, they were always the nicest towards me. They inspired me of becoming an English teacher that  not only respected but loved by the students. They taught me about acceptance, about how everyone is equal. They teach me not to be judgemental and always go beyond the racial barrier. They made me realise that when teaching, we don't see the student according to their races...we just see some eager faces wanting to learn, to be appreciated, to be recognized, to be heard...they desire our attention to acknowledge them in the class...they need compliment when they are doing good and support when they perform badly...so although my passion somehow always related to politics...TESL wasn't such a bad idea at all..
My undergraduate study was the greatest moment of my life. Somehow I feel like I'm being rebirth, we came from different corner of Malaysia. each with our own value, lifestyle and perception...and we managed to withstand each other for 6 years and remain united....of course there are times when the grass was not always greener, we have good moment, we have bad moment....but the understanding and the acceptance developed towards each other is the most remarkable. Just by thinking about our TESL cohort can bring a smile to my face. All the retarded moment, the not so sane moment, the rebellious moment, the perverted moment....imprinted in my mind and make me feel nostalgic.
I remember at the beginning, we were prejudiced towards each other, we were divided into 6 homerooms and 3 classes which were 1.1, 1.2 and 1.3...1.1 was described as a rowdy bunch..always creating chaos and annoy the seniors by being too noisy. The 1.2 was described as the passive bunch, they are very good at getting things done,but they keep quiet most of the time. The 1.3 was described as a lazy bunch, although later it turn out most of the 4 flatters came from them.
I was placed in 1.1. We have the most number of guys compared to other classes.. but their influence are hardly recognized due to the fact that they are outnumbered by the girls...and it turn out we have lots of outspoken and gila kuasa classmates at the time. So the girls practically dominating everything about running the class...all the guys can do is nod. But despite this fact, we always thought our foundation year as our honeymoon year. We celebrated our birthday by throwing party every three months, we collected the money  and did some fundraising so that we could actually go to the vacation together. We had our fun time with the lecturers and some of the not so fun time. but what amused me the most, the race was never an issue..we talked, we joked about racial stuffs...never even considered about how sensitive the issues were treated outside...now that I look back...it kinda shaped the way I bring myself nowadays...i'm always so tactless in my words before...and the openness that I had experienced actually make it worse. if I were to talk the same way I did with them with the people outside, most people would feel offended....
For example, some of my friends openly admitting that they are bananas..and they felt no shame admitting it, while others might find it offensive. So, every time the chinese started speaking chinese language to them,  their facial expression was priceless....and we laugh a lot because of that... some of us are quite perverted in the innocent way....thanks to them i learn a lot about lemon and hentai.... well I have to admit i did play my part in it....we learnt a lot of puns and words with double meaning...and some of them are really hilarious....we had a fair share of the sleepyhead, whom always manage to stay awake most of the time except when the lecture started, we had the latecomers also known as budak2 skuter...coz skuter is often related to slowness (the lack of speed)...we have the noisy bunch whose laugh were even funnier than the joke itself, we have the rebellious bunch who will find every opportunity to go against the lecturer... we have the outspoken people who voices out their dissatisfaction towards certain issues face to face to the lecturer and we have the drama queens to add up some spices....
Never in my life i see so much freedom of expression being practiced almost every time except when we in the comfort of our own cohort....and I knew at the time, I found a place in which I belong. When we don't agree with something, we are quick to voice it out, without even thinking about the consequence, we formed a strong belief and committed to it...but we always manage to find the common ground. If we think that the lecturer is practising double standard..we are not afraid to voice it out...If we think that the lecturer decision is quite ridiculous, we will obviously retaliate.
We have so many strong characters within the cohort...each with their own persona and ideology. Leadership Wise, they are equally good. But I admire Jia Rong the most, her authoritarian ways of doing things, not necessarily agreeable to others, but it's always works out. We have Teoh, the perfectionist and idealist of our community, We have Kia Hooi who always calm and collected when handling things, the hard working Rahah who always come out with ideas and motivation to realise the ideas, Mamai who plan and organise things nicely, we have Asha who always so convincing in everything she said...these people are the person responsible in shaping the culture of our cohort. Our cohort is always being branded as the black sheep, coz we chose to go against the lecturer most of the time, but academically...our achievement as a general exceeds any other cohort...despite our rebelliousness...we are still able to get good grades....
I have my chance working with lots of coursemates from different background, and I like working with them...I like working with Jia Rong and Melissa because most of the time we ended up laughing about something hilarious that has nothing to do with what we are actually working on, this thing always manage to drive the lecturer mad...because they always came out with some witty retorts when the lecturer asked them about what they are doing...I love working with Gladys because I like her view, she just like a walking encyclopedia to me. The way she shows her view on things are very concise and sharp, she never fail to amaze me. I also love working with Ervinna, she always being so helpful, so ever ready to work with..we develop mutual understanding and filling in each other's limitation...it just occur to me that most of the time. I seldom work with my own friend, I find that working with my own friend is quite distracting...because you have to worry about personal aspects of your relationship. Well, i always being so non committal about relationship and friendship. the thought of having to spend my time and work with the same person is quite suffocating. Those who knew me well, will get the idea. You can become my bestest friend in the world, but if you ask me to work with you...I would say...NO. So i always act as an open agent accepting anybody who would want to work with me. and the system work just fine.
When working together, I always avoid being the leader, because I find that whenever I'm in charged.. the result is not what I have anticipated. I hate to work with people who only rely on me to tell them what to do...Fortunately my partners and my group member are always the initiative lot, full of ideas and resourceful...we contributed in ways that we did best...and I really love the experience....
And when the time comes for us to study in UM...we find no problem to fit in. The lecturers at first are quite sceptical because of the negative perception they had with our senior. But later, they begin to warm up to us,  the perception has changed...at that time they actually quite doubtful about our excellence in academic performance... it turns out their doubt was unfounded...because our result are getting even better than before...they become so proud of us for the fact not only all of us graduating with honour, but one of our cohort was chosen to receive a royal degree for the Bumiputera, something that education faculty would never dream to achieve....and I myself so proud of my friend Fatiha....she deserves it....and during the convocation day...when the education faculty graduates stand up symbolising the honour of graduating excellently....the feeling is indescribable...
Most of the time, the teachers are often affiliated with lack of training, inability to perform the task, lack of resourcefulness, even the profession of the teacher itself is considered as a last resort of the graduates who didn't manage to get a job...but us the product of the twinning programme between IPG and IPTA, defying the odds and became even better than the product of IPTA itself...prove to people that we can do it...that academic excellence can be reached if we really put our mind to it...we can proudly claim that we are the quality product...looking back I always so proud of becoming TESLians....
I don't care even some people look down on us and underestimating us by saying that TESL is an easy course...walk the talk man....i don't care shit about your course, if you are unable to get good grades, blame yourself...there's no such things as EASY course, we are busting our ass for the grades...we may look like the unaffected bunch...who can enjoy ourselves during the examination time, some people even asked when did you study? It's hard to find you doing revision or reading stuffs...but you always manage to get good grades...dear friend, we make it looks easy because we chose to....and we are not reading simply because the exam is around the corner...it's already implanted and accumulated through times and when the time comes...they will be written on the paper....just like what my friend always said "it's all in my head"....
At this moment...i really miss my buddies...I miss bullying Ieda, I miss sharing sarcasm remarks with Jahwati, I miss all the hilarious joke and retarded moment i shared with Jia Rong and Melissa, I miss the witty Aini with her witty remarks..i still remember how she fight ardently with the lecturer over a microphone..., I miss Muhafiz the "so called Capt.Jack, I miss Keri my hobbit mischievous partner..I miss Sze Mei and her funny jokes, I miss Ervinna who always so accepting towards me, I miss Anis Amira and Rohani, I just miss everybody.....luckily I'm still in contact with Gladys, Fatiha, Hanna, Zizi,Mamas and of course Aishah and Izzah....but perhaps someday...somebody will plan a reunion to gather us together....being part of the TESL cohort 2 students by far...is one of the best experience I ever had....

I'm 27 now....

Hoho....I'm 27 now, and my life is going great....looking back, I always have regret...words that i said, absurdity in my action, to err is human...aren't we all just a screwed up bunch....

Although it's hard to admit, but my greatest regret is about repressing my true feeling when i should just be honest....now I don't have a chance to even do that.. after telling so many lies to myself that things always get better the next time, I will become more level headed, more optimist in my view...I will improve...things would change somehow,I come to the point that I have to accept the fact...things would never change.

There are always the time that you reached the peak of suicidal, when you just think life has no meaning any more, when you lose someone whom is so dear to you... and going on is something you refuse to do... but life is like the river flowing, no matter how much you struggle to go against it, you'll get tired eventually and just go with the flow...life isn't a bed of roses...but will death promise us something better?

I've wrote about this before, that I probably won't live long enough to enjoy my retirement...but I'm not a God to decide on something like that...and they say bad people live longer...so considering I'm no angel myself, I probably live long enough to see myself become the villain... 

I've been wanting so bad that I would do anything to make it happen, but you won't always get what you want. Sometimes you have to learn to let go. Sometimes it is important that our happiness is short lived, rather than it slowly become something boring, something hurtful and full of hatred...

Knowing myself better than anyone, I know I will be good at the surviving department...I might go crazy and act like a bitch...but I will be a strong bitch....the smart ass bitch, that always have a clever retort over any remark given to me. 

The most important thing, treat your loved one better. Your family, your friends or your partner. I lost that chance before and I'm not so keen to have any more experience dealing with the grief of what if...

banyak sgt ke kerja cikgu?

"banyak sgt ke kerja cikgu? aku tgk diorg ni asyik merungut2 je wat kerja?" kate seorang makhluk Allah kepada aku...sentap jugak beb...sebenarnya tanggungjawab utama guru adalah membuat rancangan pelajaran harian dan melaksanakannya di dalam bilik darjah...yg ni memang kena buat..klu xbuat boleh kena saman ribu2...kerja2 pengkeranian yg lain adalah value added package menjadi seorang guru..macam ko pakai bil...kunun byr rm50 ringgit sebulan...tetibe dtg hidden charge sane sini...bg guru2 yg ikhlas...itu xmenjadi masalah besar...bak kate orang tua2...klu semua nak berkira, xyah la jd cikgu...but semua tu ada limit...guru dah banyak berkorban untuk murid..dari duit ringgit sampai la ke masa yg dihabiskan...kalau nak mengungkit memang habis pahala amal jariah...pasal kerja pengkeranian tu...sebenarnya..kalau pentadbiran sekolah tu cekap...semua kerja pun boleh jadi senang...kalau dari awal tahun dah diadakan jadual dan checklist..dan diedarkan kan kepada guru...lengkap dengan waktu meeting, waktu submit exam paper,waktu exam, waktu kemasukan markah, waktu masuk instrument dalam fail perkembangan murid, waktu check berat tinggi budak, waktu update smm, waktu camping, waktu event2 besar kat sekolah, waktu ko-kurikulum, waktu field trip, waktu hari sukan, waktu kejohanan2 yg penting, waktu gotong royong, dan waktu2 yg sewaktu dengannye...cikgu2 pun senang nak refer and prioritise..bila dah siap, tick aje...wat copy utk documentation...tapi kalau pentadbiran sendri cuma tahu mengarah..n kalu setakat bg takwim yg ade tulis cuti sekolah je, tak peka dengan tarikh2 penting...tak susun perancangan dengan elok...last minit tukar2 arahan...guru2 yg jd mangsa...mungkin sebab tu cikgu banyak merungut...pentadbiran sekali bagi kerja bertimbun-timbun...tapi nak dalam masa yg cepat...sedangkan guru masih kena mengajar seperti biasa....bukan boleh curi2 buat dalam kelas....n klu kerja lebih masa bukan boleh claim overtime...ade cikgu yg cincai....sebab terkejar2 nak selesaikan benda yg ni...PnP lintang pukang...budak2 disuruh baca buku sendiri...sementara dia sibuk menyiapkan tugas yg diberi....kat sini lah terjadinya kecuaian....
Tak dinafikan,ada cikgu yg memang pemalas..ade kerja ke xde kerja ke...PnP macam tu juga, tp bila kerja2 pengkeranian makin menimbun, sesetengah cikgu berada dalam dilema nak utamakan yg mana satu....bila dah start juggling...mulalah cikgu2 merungut...lagi2 kalau tetibe kerajaan nk wat event2 mengejut, sekali jemput budak2 sekolah ramai2....cikgu jugak yg kena iring...cancel trip jalan2 bersama2 keluarga tercinta....nak harap mak bapak budak2 tu sendri yg iring...xde maknenye....sedangkan event tu bukan event sekolah...tp cikgu2 masih kena bertanggungjawab terhadap murid-murid...mak bapak skang pantang anak jatuh sikit...laju je nak menyaman....
as a conclusion, kalau semua orang faham tugas dan peranan masing-masing, semua kerja akan jadi senang, pentadbiran kena la main banyak peranan n sediakan fasiliti dan kemudahan yg cukup....sediakan kertas yang cukup, dakwat printer yang cukup, akses internet yg laju, mesin binding, mesin photostat, stationaries yg lengkap, PA yg cekap, PT yang membantu, baru la kerja cikgu pun smooth....ini tidak, dari A sampai Z asyik harapkan cikgu je...dah la kerja kena buat, duit sendri asyik keluar, kalau claim pun belum tentu dapat...motivasi guru pun berkurangan...lepas 2 3 tahun mengajar...dah rasa x seronok....aku pernah dapat sekolah yg pentadbiran dia best...n aku pernah dapat sekolah yg pentadbiran dia cam bangang...aku pernah sehari dan semalam duk sekolah wat kerja n xmerungut....and aku pernah sehari semalam duk sekolah wat kerja yg bukan kerja aku dan menyumpah maki hamun xigt dunia....guru pun manusia...ade mase mood ok, ada masa mood foul....kalau kena kerja bawah pentadbiran yg entah ape-ape....siapa yg xpanas....
Tapi semua ni berlaku mungkin ada hikmahnya...mungkin untuk mendidik guru supaya lebih efficient dan organised...walaupun pentadbiran yg kat atas tu tunggang langgang...sekurang2nya guru2 boleh belajar untuk mandiri dan ambil inisiatif sendiri supaya kerja sendiri tidak terjejas....sekali sekala merungut itu ok...tp kalau selalu orang pun bosan juga....a reminder for myself yg selalu aktif dalam bidang perungutan ini....bila kita encounter satu masalah and kita berjaya menyelesaikan masalah itu...kita dah develop diri kita...we become stronger than yesterday....so pokok pangkalnya...terpulanglah kepada guru tu sendiri nak letak diri diorang dekat mana...coz kerja xkan pernah habis...if you can't change the system...you must find a way to makes things easier for you....and kerjasama tu penting...sorry to say...kalau ko dapat colleague yg best n supportive, n sanggup wat kerja sama-sama....it's a heaven...but kalau ko dapat colleague yg suka menjatuhkan, save their own asses, n rasa diri sendri lagi bagus dari orang lain n xnk membantu....it's a hell....I've experienced both....if you can't adapt...back off and do things by yourself...if rase lost n xtau, be resourceful....tanya colleague yg lain...n klu they turn a cold shoulder by saying "entah la...cari la sendri" or "akak xtau la..." be even more resourceful...cari kat forum or internet...tanya kawan2 yg tahu....jadi cikgu kena sentiasa berkongsi dan bertukar pendapat....xsetuju xpe...janji ada exchange of information....bila kita tahu ape yg kita kena buat...kerja lagi cepat siap....
n walaupun benda ni paling susah nak dilakukan....but kita kena separate hal personal dengan hal kerja..hal personal dan kerjaya sama penting...xbley lebihkan salah satu...i learnt the hard way...sebab xjaga kesihatan...kerja aku terjejas...nasib baik kerja government...klu private...confirm aku dh kena sacked...sekali mc sampai sebulan...mahu x dasyat....so i learn my lesson...jaga kesihatan supaya aku boleh jalankan kerja aku dengan sempurna....Alhamdulillah..kerana MC aku yg amat dasyat itu...aku xberani nak amik MC yg sehari...klu demam teruk pun aku datang....coz nak imbal balik MC yg berminggu2 tu...CRK pun xpernah amik ag dari mula mengajar...hohohohoho.....but side effect MC lame2...balik sekolah...kerja bertimbun2.....pandai2 la ko nak selesaikan mane dulu...janji kerja siap....
kesimpulannya, merungut tu part and parcel ko jd cikgu...cuma kadang2 ia jd extreme bila orang kt atas tu kadang2 macam xpernah jd cikgu lagaknya....mula memberi arahan2 mengarut dan menyusahkan...so pandai-pandailah....merungut xsalah....tapi kalau selalu, orang pun menyampah....hoho..faham tu Amy....ko merungut banyak sangat...orang menyampah tau.....remember Amy, whiner none the wiser....

Naik LRT

Sejak dah tua2 ni...ngelat betul klu kena naik LRT...dulu time sekolah...pagi2 dh bgn...pkl 6.30, mesti kne naik lrt...supaya bley kejar bas kat majestic n dapat g sekolah on time....harapan....LRT siap dibuat masa umur aku 12 tahun...so pas naik sekolah menengah, naik LRT memang jadi rutin harian....klu2 tgh emo bosan gile, mula la wat kerja gila, naik kat Pudu pastu pusing ke Sultan Ismail n patah balik ke Sri Petaling...baru balik Ampang....dulu pengguna LRT xramai macam skang....n klu pakai baju sekolah dapat rate murah...half price kalau xsilap....huhu...rindunye zaman naik bas kena bayar 40 sen je...sebab tu klu budak2 sekolah lain dok sorok baju sekolah diorg...kitorg lak pakai baju uniform dgn t-shirt sekolah g mane2...tgk wyg de diskaun, main boling pun de diskaun...n klu de pakcik polis or orang yg prihatin menegur...ponteng sekolah ke dik...laju menjawab...tgk bagde lak pak cik...kitorg sekolah pg la....huhu...standard sekolah menengah klu form1 dengan form 2 kena sekolah petang....so xbyk sekolah yg form 1 dengan form 2 sekolah pg...budget exclusive la konon...
Time kt MRSM, klu time cuti,sampai je kt Puduraya....mengangkut lah beg naik LRT kat Plaza Rakyat. kalau turun kat Pekeliling, naik la LRT kat Titiwangsa...wa mane de mintak parents amik..mcm la diorg banyak mase pun nak amik...and wa kadang2 balik pun xgitau...tau2 je dh smpi depan pintu rumah....
Time lepas blajar, de la cuti panjang...g la keje kt KLCC...time tu trus beli pas bulanan...RM108 klu xsilap...bley naik sekali LRT STAR dgn PUTRA....time tu, kerja abis betul2 pukul 11...so kena lari2 kejar LRT...coz kalau miss, kena balik naik teksi...harga teksi kalau atas pukul 12...dah double....so golongan Marhaen macam aku ni memang xdapat dipisahkan dengan LRT...
tapi segalanya berubah bila bapak aku bg kereta...aku sudah lupa dengan LRT....kalau mak aku paksa aku pergi Jalan TAR naik LRT...muncung aku kalah Donald Duck...aku sudah malas menjinjit barang2, berdiri menunggu LRT di dalam kesesakan umat manusia di KL ini....akhirnya...lemak2 di badan aku makin bertambah hari demi hari...seiring dengan usia kereta aku....
So bile aku buat keputusan nak naik LRT balik, macam2 juga dugaan yang aku hadapi...dulu aku rase coach LRT STAR ni sejuk je...skang ni...aku rase mcm xcukup oxigen...aku ni dh la cepat berpeluh...so bila naik LRT...lagi2 klu time ramai orang...perasaan melekit itu tidak dapat digambarkan...ini lah hasil lemak2 yg berkumpul itu...mungkin betul kata orang...orang gemuk memang cepat dan banyak berpeluh...so aku sendri rase tak best dgn peluh2 yg berpusu2 keluar di setiap rongga kulit aku....pengajaran yg aku dapat...aku pakai berlayer2 deodorant...n sapu bedak Dettol satu badan utk elak masalah peluh ini....n pastikan aku ikat rambut supaya rambut aku x kena peluh...naik LRT ni macam pergi GYM pulak...
n bila naik LRT, ko kena organize brg2 mengikut priority...dulu semua bawak angkut masuk kereta..kalau dah lambat...handphone dgn wallet pun tertinggal kat rumah....sekarang bile naik LRT  bwk barang2 kena pilih mengikut keperluan...yg penting sekali kena ada wallet, handphone dan payung...pastu buku, stationary, baru brg2 lain...beg make up, baju ganti, lap top...cuma dibawa bila diperlukan...klu nak bwk semua...terbarai2 la brg tu...n abis la bahu nk menahan berat...n possiblity misplaced n tertinggal dalam LRT sgt tinggi...
Since schedule LRT ni dah fixed, so ko kena pay attention pkl berapa ko kena kuar supaya xtertinggal train...or supaya ko dapat sampai on time...lambat keluar sikit...bermakna ko kena tunggu next train...so klu selama ni aku dgn sesuka ati je pkl brape aku nk kuar bila naik kereta...bila naik LRT...aku kena ikut la masa yg diberi...klu x..confirm lambat dari aku bwk kereta...
Last sekali...naik LRT, ko kena banyak jalan....kadang2 escalator rosak...ko kena naik tangga turun tangga, lalu tunnel...adehai...dengan nak bwk barang2 ag...dengan nak jalan ag....nasib baik la, member aku sudi pick up aku kt stesyen LRT...klu die xamik...aku kena tunggu bas...dan jalan lagi....kalau naik bas,...bukan suke ati mak bapak bley berenti kat tempat kite nak...kena tunggu kt bus stop terdekat....semua tu memerlukan stamina....so setiap kali aku sampai rumah....aku memang tergolek2 dulu....aduhai penat...padanlah aku gemuk...
but then again....naik LRT ni dapat menguatkan fizikal dan mental aku yg dah lemak ke sana sini naik kereta...walaupun arge tiket...g balik RM8 lebih kurang dgn arge minyak kereta aku g balik gak...tp banyak yg aku dapat...so marilah kite naik LRT....tp lg best klu RAPID bley wat balik student price.....aku cheapskate ok....

act my age...

Act my age...easier said than done...huh??? How does 27 year old female act her age?? do we have a guideline for that? some says age just numbers and some says the older you are, the wiser you get...and the more mature you have become...Can someone enlighten me in what form does maturity takes place... If maturity conveys the meaning of don't be too quick with your words or don't speak without good foundation of reasoning....then...I'm sure I fall behind in the arena...coz for fuck sake....I always speak my mind....It often crappy but sometimes it rings...Hell I'm not perfect...I'm a screw up...but aren't we all?
If we look at our image in the mirror...and reflect all the embarrassing things we've done, all the mistakes we made...I'm sure if there is a way to turn back time...we would do anything to reverse our wrongdoing.... But by undoing all those stuff...would it be able to change the way we are...can nature be changed so easily? Aren't we genetically born with it?? Isn't life a cycle?..one day we are doing the judging and the next, it's our turn to be judged....
Deep inside we know...day by day...something inside us has changed...though on the surface everything looks the same...but inside the flesh we own...our souls either hardened or softened from the exposure of variations of emotions or incidents that revolving our life...people's predicaments have no certain characteristics that fit every individual...If we are unable to read each other's mind...what gives the idea that we could make people abide by the same rule as us..
I am 27 and single, that's the fact.....most women my age in Malaysia are married and some even have babies.... am I expected to act like them? I was born a Malay, and most of the Malay women in Malaysia are conditioned to play their role as the tradition has laid upon them... so if i choose to refuse the role... does it make me any less Malay? I'm not questioning the way things are going...I'm just questioning my freedom not to follow things that I'm taught to obey just because I was born in it...If I'm fine with the way things are...why should people judge and make fun of it...
If I'm a bitch and it makes man sick of it...what should I do? bending myself and be a hypocrite hoping to be amiable enough so that I could have a ring on my finger? I might be stupid...but I see things...when it comes to relationship with men and women, oftentimes it ended up ugly and I don't like it...I'm too strong willed to back down, to humble my head just to make things work..I once compromised...twice or maybe thrice.... but compromise doesn't get me anywhere...If my weaknesses or my ugliness is too much for others to handle...why should I try and stay? Why should I beg? I used to be scared to be alone, unloved...but as I grow..I begin to accept the way things are...I'm fine being alone...I might get tired...I might cry...heck...I even fell down the stairs at the middle of the night with a fractured wrist, a bruised back and a bump at my head....and no one is there to help me get up.... I'm fine with curling up in bed alone withholding the pain....and swallowed the pills so that I can sleep through it...I'm used to waking up with a head ache and burning body and stay in the shower and lost track of time letting the water running through every part of my body to let it cool...I'm fine being in the operation theater without someone holding my hand...I've been through my tough time and deal with it alone...it changed the way I look at things... it taught me to do things on my own and stop depending on other people to work things out for me....coz I simply don't have that privilege... so it really doesn't matter to me...perhaps now I live with my mom...but if the time comes for me to be out there on my own again...I will survive it....like any other person before me....because that's what life is all about....
For you, I might be stupid, I might be immature..I'm a spoilt rotten kid who refuse to grow up....you can judge me...but you don't have a right to say...I am this way because I don't act my age....

budak-budak dan kita...

Sempena nak dekat hari kanak-kanak ni...saje je nk wat post pasal diorg...aku ni xkahwin ag...anak sendri pun xde ag...so experience aku dgn diorg cuma waktu aku mengajar...3 years je baru mengajar...tp de mcm2 cerita pasal budak2 yg aku sendri alami dengan mata kepala sendri...
Aku sebenarnya xsuka budak...bukan benci ke, menyampah ke....cuma aku xsuka semak..budak kan banyak songeh, banyak kerenah..suka usik barang n sepahkan, suka sorok barang, or amik barang ko tanpa kebenaran...kebetulan jarak umur aku dengan adik kecik aku 14 tahun jauhnya...menyebabkan aku dgn adik aku tu asyik bercakar...dulu ex aku pernah kata yg aku ni control freak...setiap kali die kuar dgn aku n adik aku...die nampak, mesti aku nak control every aspect yg adik aku buat..sampai adik aku rase rimas...frankly, mungkin sebab adik aku tu spitting image of me...the mini me...aku nampak dia mengikut segala perkara yg sama aku pernah buat yg agak embarrassing so i chose to intervene...but since he is the mini me...perangai aku yg keras kepala dan nak menang tu pun dia mengikut sama... bile die dah besar sikit ni...barulah kurang memcari pasal dengan aku...tp pantang nampak muka aku...mula la nk paw duit aku..
Dulu aku wonder gak, since aku xberapa ngam dengan budak, bley ke aku jd cikgu yg baik...compare dgn kawan aku yg excited gile nampak baby...nak ambil gambar, nak cubit2 muka baby yg comel tu...I still don't get it until now....walaupun aku dah ade anak sedare, tp dgn Aila yg baru umur setahun lebih tu pun aku bley gado...die pun dah pandai nk kenakan aku...asal xpuas ati je, die jerit macam histeria supaya aku kene marah dgn mak aku....ikut ati nk je karate...tp xsampai ati lak...so aku pun doubt ability aku nk handle diorg...
The first time aku deal directly dgn budak yg xde kena mengena dgn aku, mase aku praktikum...dapat sekolah pompuan...admin memang azab....kurus kering aku time tu...derita sengsara...ceh ceh ceh... kelas aku multiracial...the Indian is the majority, followed by  the Malay and the Chinese....the social economic status of the families are from middle income and below...
Aku ajar darjah 2, darjah 4 n darjah 5 time tu, 2 english classes, 1 science class and 1 kajian tempatan class.. so mase ajar darjah 2, de sorang budak ni..beg dia kosong...dari segi penampilan, aku malas cakap banyaklah...paling comot dalam kelas, dia pakai tudung...tp aku rasa macam nak cabut tudung dia...dengan rambut berserabai, baju dah berbau...kasut kotor...budak2 selalu buli dia sampai die nangis...and dia xmau bercakap langsung...so aku xtau macam mana nak communicate dgn dia...aku cakap ape pun dia sengih aje...garu kepala gak aku...aku dalam kepala dah form a schemata...budak ni mesti budak Indonesia ni, coz muka budak tu ada iras2 budak Indonesia...n frankly, since parents diorg busy cari duit, hal2 kebajikan anak memang jatuh nombor 2...
So aku pun mengadu kepada guru kelas, ternganga aku bila dapat tahu minah ni, bapaknya cikgu sekolah juga....memang smart abis...aduhai...nape anak dia terbiar sampai macam ni sekali...buku xde, baju xberbasuh....kesan sambal semalam pun de lagi kat baju...guru kelas pun buka cerita...bapaknya bercerai dengan maknya utk berkahwin dengan orang Indonesia...kebetulan maknye xbekerja, jd terpaksa tinggalkan dengan bapaknya sementara mak dia cari pekerjaan...bapaknya dengan bini baru pula tengah sibuk buat production dah nak masuk anak yg ke-3...sepanjang tahun perkahwinan...keluar seorang anak...so xde siapalah yg kat rumah tu nak ambil tahu hal budak ni....terbiar macam tu je la..aku tanye kat dia, abis napa budak tu xnk cakap? guru kelas dia balas "sapa nak layan dia mi, kat rumah xde sape peduli, xsekolah pun budak2 xsuka, dah comot macam tu, budak2 pun xnk dekat..mungkin sebab tu dia xnak cakap dgn orang."..Well, time tu aku praktikum ag...so aku pun xamik port sgt...coz aku bukannye jenis yg concern gila...so aku wat mcm biase je la..n x de dah aku tanye budak tu ape2..cume time kelas aku..aku prepare satu buku latihan dgn pensil utk die tulis n wat keje...abis klas..aku amik balik simpan...coz aku tau, klu aku bg die bwk balik...memang ghaib la buku tu...de budak tanye "nape teacher bagi "S" buku dgn pensil..kitorg xde dapat pun....mane aci..." aku pun jawab.."kalau ari2 teacher bebel benda yg same...teacher gak penat...at least klu teacher wat camni...die xde alasan xnk wat keje.."de budak yg sengal menjawab "klu camtu esok xnk bwk buku dgn pensil box r...nnt teacher bg" aku tunjuk tapak tangan aku kt diorg..."klu nak rase...buat lah.." n days go by...satu hari budak tu sakit perut...die letak kepala kt meja...muka mcm nk nangis..bila aku tanye nape...die tunjuk perut...kebetulan time tu masa aku nk abis...so aku bawak la die g bilik guru...aku pimpin tangan dia...standard la kan...but budak tu pegang tangan aku kuat2...n dia senyum je...sampai bilik guru...aku letak minyak cap kapak kt perut dia... bile aku tgk perut die yg kerempeng tu aku terus tanye "S lapar ke?" dia angguk...so aku bg roti yg aku beli kt die...(one thing pasal aku...kt meja aku mesti de makanan...bukan utk aku makan..tp dah jd habit)...time tu aku macam tersedar sikit...aku yg selfish mcm ni pun..xsampai ati tgk budak tu...nape bapak kandung dia...mak tiri dia...sanggup wat macam tu kt dia...aku rase kt situ lah permulaannya nape aku nk jd cikgu kot..kadang2 aku rase parents aku suck...tp klu nk compare dgn idup budak2 yg aku pernah ajar...my parents are way better...n sewaktu aku sekolah dulu, cikgu2 aku bukan kisah pun pasal aku...pura2 baik depan aku macam concern gile tp hampeh....belakang aku kutuk aku kaw2...sebab tu aku prefer cikgu yg distance kan diri dia dengan budak, daripada cikgu2 yg kononnya cool selalu lepak dgn budak sedangkan diorg bukan amik kisah pun psl budak, diorg just nk budak tu score supaya dapat maintain reputasi dia n diorg nk budak suke diorg...dulu aku pantang bila cikgu panggil aku masuk bilik guru pastu tanye aku pasal family aku...aku rase nk tampar je cikgu tu...aku tau die bukan kisah pun pasal aku...tp saje nk busybody...so pengalaman aku yg dulu ni...membentuk sikap aku bila jd guru sekarang...
Bile dah abis praktikum, ade la sesi post morterm...de sorg course mate aku yg dah ade anak satu time tu, n kebetulan die lawa....cerita la kt kitorg...yg dekat tempat die praktikum ni ade sorang budak lelaki sgt suka kat die, budak tu suka duk dekat dengan dia, sampai die naik rimas (aku malas la nak masuk cerita psl physical murid tu...), kirenye die xsuka la budak tu....tapi die xtau macam mane nak handle budak tu...coz dah di marah pun budak tu still lagi menggendeng kat die...dlm hati aku terbisik gak...ko dah ade anak pun..belum tentu ko bley handle budak...or bg kasih sayang kat budak...especially kalau budak tu buruk, hodoh, comot dan xlawa....nasib baik lah aku x amik port pasal appearance budak coz aku mase kecik pun selekeh gak...ye la...mak bapak dua2 kerja...seb baik mase kecik aku comel la gak...so dpt balance la selekeh aku dgn kecomelan aku (ceh...perasan)
Bila dah jd cikgu betul....n dah jadi guru kelas...aku cuba kenal siapa budak yg aku ajar, background diorang, perangai diorg....de yg baik, de yg kurang ajar, de yang panjang tangan, de yg mulut xbley diam...setiap budak lain perangai dan setiap budak dapat didikan yg berbeza dari parents diorg...ade hari aku happy masuk kelas...ade hari memang tangan aku laju nak bg pelempang kat budak...
De sorang student aku, darjah 3 time tu kelas belakang...muka comel...kalau cakap dengan aku mesti die bahasakan diri die kite...contohnye "Miss Amy, td kite makan burger...sedap...." tapi die ni ade satu perangai tak best...suka mencuri....kalau setakat curi pemadam kawan..duit kawan..boleh ampun lagi..dia ni maha hebat...curi wallet cikgu dengan handset pun pernah...walhal..walkman orang yg datang wat pameran kat sekolah pun dirembatnya...dan semua kejadian tu berlaku bila aku xmasuk kelas...tau2 je dapat call "Mi...budak ko mencuri ag" aduhai...bila tgk family background die, baru aku faham...bapak dia memang keluar masuk penjara sebab kes pecah rumah...yg buat aku sentap, bapak dia ade dua bini...and dua2 bini dia duduk serumah...anak dah nak masuk sedozen...cikgu2 kat sekolah aku selalu kenakan aku "bapak si A tu tgh cari calon yg ke-3, A tu kemain sayang kat ko...ko x nak ke mi?"...ishhh...tolak bala la aku....aku pun xpaham ape bini bini dia nampak kt orang macam tu...tp walaupun aku tau perangai A yg panjang tangan tu..aku xde lak layan die lain...cuma setiap kali dalam kelas aku suro die duk depan dekat dgn meja aku..and if aku nk kuar or g toilet, aku suro die jage handbag aku,aku siap warning "A...teacher check semua barang yg ade dalam handbag teacher...hilang satu je teacher cari ko..." Alhamdulillah...barang aku xde yg ilang...tp bile igt balik ade gak yg lawak...de satu hari time raye, sekolah wat marhaban...de seorang cikgu lelaki yg garang gak dgn budak...die ni selalu la bantai si A ni sebab dia guru disiplin sekolah...si A ni lari2 kat cikgu ni n kate "cikgu, kite dah tau rumah cikgu..." pastu semua pakat gelak ramai2...aku yg memang lampi ni x paham ape...sampai la de sorang cikgu laki cakap kat cikgu ni "Abis la ko...baik ko buat baik kat die...die dh tau rumah ko...klu x...kena pecah la nnt"...hohoho....siyut je....sebenarnya ramai budak yg nasib xbaik macam A nih....de sorang budak asik kena bantai dgn bapak die...last2 datang sekolah, pulak yg bantai budak...ade yg mak lari tinggalkan anak nk ikut jantan lain, nasib lah bapak diorg jenis bertanggungjawab, kerjanya nelayan je, tp pg2 sebelum g laut...die buatkan sarapan utk anak2....anak2 dia...walaupun xpandai...tp sgt berdikari....de budak lak sgt spoilt...baru darjah 1 dah berani hempas kerusi depan aku...sebab xpuas ati kena denda...de budak lak....bapak dah meninggal...umur bapak die sebelum meninggal 80 lebih...kawin dgn orang indonesia umur 30 an...sgt bangga kerana berjaya mengandungkan bini die tp xsempat idup...untuk jalankan tanggungjawab sebagai bapa...tinggallah bini terkontang-kanting...membesarkan anak berderet hasil kejantanan lelaki tua ini...datang sekolah, anak xterurus, xmandi...berbau...xboleh nak salahkan mak budak tu...dia setengah mati bekerja nk memberi anak2 makan.... ape lah daya yg dia ade...ape yg aku cuma boleh buat...bg die duit blanje n klu de budak bising pasal die busuk, xmandi...aku cakap " dari awak memekak hari2 pasal mende tu, pe kate esok awak ambik sabun dgn tuala bg kt die...suro die mandi kt sekolah...." senyap terus kelas...aku kesian dgn budak macam ni...bukan die mintak pun idup mcm tu...kadang2 ati aku memang nk salahkan mak bapak...klu dah tau xmampu, asal ko beranak pinak banyak2....kot ye pun rezeki tuhan bg...yg ko zalim dgn hak2 anak ko tu ko x fikir...tp siapalah aku nk mempersoalkan benda2 mcm ni...mcm kes baru2 ni...budak aku kena culik dgn mak sendri...parents dah bercerai...custody jatuh kt bapak...so mak die pun amik budak ni time die tgh belajar...igtkan..ko dah penat2 culik...ko jage la elok2....bila aku jumpa budak ni balik...terbeliak mata aku...kulit budak ni yg putih mulus...dah jd hitam legam....rambut ikal dah dibotakkan....parut dekat badan aku xyah cakap la....berair la kejap mata aku...bapak budak ni cakap kt aku " first time die jumpe anak die balik...die terduduk menangis...." bapak die jumpa budak ni kt rumah anak yatim....rupa2nya pakwe mak die dera dia teruk2..satu hari dia dapat lari n ade org jumpe bwk g balai...since polis xde maklumat psl die...polis anta duk rumah anak yatim...sampai la polis dapat kenal pasti identit budak tu....senyap aku dengar bapak die cerita...selama ni..aku igt bapak die over acting je...ye la...mane de mak nak dera anak sendri kan....rupa2nya memang ada...n kita ni sebagai manusia sebenarnya...xboleh nk judge org sewenang-wenangnya...
Bila cakap pasal anak x sah taraf, sekarang memang dah banyak..cuma aku xamik port sangat sebab bukan masalah aku...asal budak tu nak belajar, ape aku peduli siape dia....cuma aku terkejut la sebab ade gak cikgu yg amik peduli....de parents dtg jumpa aku, cakap pasal anak dia...aku memang tau budak tu anak angkat dia je...n aku respect dia dgn suami die...umur makcik ni dah 50 lebih, suami dia pulak kerja security guard je...aku pernah tanya dia "Kakak nak apply kwamp x? kakak layak" dia tolak.."xpe cikgu, anak2 saya ramai yg dah besar...sejak saya bela N ni...rezeki saya murah je...Alhamdulillah" N tu, memang budak baik dan sgt rajin...so aku paham la nape kakak tu bangga sangat dengan anak dia....walaupun anak angkat...kakak tu sambung cerita ag " Dulu, mase mule2 sekolah, N asik nangis nak balik...die xsuka cikgu yg dulu...cikgu tu selalu tanye macam2...pastu layan die teruk, tp tahun ni, N happy je...siap nk g sekolah hari2...siap suruh saye belikan cikgu kain..." fuh...kembang idung aku kejap...walaupun aku dgn N tu, xde la rapat mane pun...tp mungkin sebab aku layan die mcm aku layan budak lain gak...x lebih x kurang...so die rase ok dgn aku...agaknye la kan....
Aku bukan cikgu yg bagus pun...tp aku cuba apa yg terdaya, yg aku boleh buat...kadang2 aku pun screw up juga...macam baru2 ni...de budak xdtg sekolah seminggu...sebelumnya tu de kawan die pun xdtg sekolah seminggu...sebab g bercuti kt Langkawi...right after dapat duit bantuan...terus g satu family...mungkin kebetulan je...tp cukup la buat aku sentap...so bile next weeknye, budak lain lak ponteng seminggu...laju la mulut aku cakap "ha...Q...awak ni pulak bercuti kat mane sampai seminggu xdatang.." cepat je budak tu menjawab "cikgu ni, Mak saya masuk hospital la...saye kena duduk dgn nenek..." pastu bermula lah adegan tangisan....aku pun terus la mintak maaf kt budak ni.....haish..betul la orang katekan...jgn cepat menghukum..kita ni cepat terlupa, dan jarang bertanya....budak2 pun de masalah sendiri...
Ape yg aku boleh buat lepas aku terkhilaf....minta maaf..aku x perfect...pas aku bantai budak...aku mintak maaf, pas aku marah budak, aku mintak maaf....aku salah tulis kt board, aku minta maaf....aku masuk lambat, aku mintak maaf. Aku xmasuk kelas, aku mintak maaf.....lagipun aku rase lg senang mintak maaf dgn budak dari mintak maaf dgn orang dewasa...coz budak lg menghargai n accepting....
Xde bende yg perfect dalam dunia, n xde bende yg senang...cikgu dgn budak2 bukan robot...semua ade cerita hidup masing2...n ape yg berlaku dalam hidup tu affect our behaviour n our attitude...yg penting kita kena belajar dari kesilapan yg pernah kita buat dan pengalaman yg pernah kita lalui...kite sampai bila2 pun xperfect, sampai bila2 pun akan buat silap...tp alangkah bagusnya...kalau de satu tempat yg kita boleh pergi...yg kita tau..orang xjudge kita...aku jumpe tempat tu kt dalam bilik darjah...so aku berharap sangat bila budak2 ni dah besar nanti...bile diorg igt aku...aku xkisah la diorg nk kate aku ni x pandai mengajar ke, ape ke, janji bile diorg igt aku...diorg kate " Owh...Miss Amy...she treats everybody the same...no matter how good or how bad you are..."

Frustnye...

Sepatutnya dari tarikh aku serah tugas 3 September hari tu, aku dah xpayah pikul apa2 tanggungjawab aku di sekolah..but every week aku mesti kena g sekolah....sebelum ni, aku banyak stay kat pejabat...standard la kan....tp td, aku tergerak nak g meja aku, nak ambil takwim...sebab nak refer tarikh untuk wat file baru...sambil ambil file minit mesyuarat yg memang aku kumpul utk cari minit sebelum2 ni....punye la aku terkejut badak..hoho..aku memang la serabut sikit...tp kat meja aku, aku beli rak kayu ade 4 compartment...bawah meja ada dua kotak besar...comel lak kotak tu....corak teddy bear ag...sebelum aku blah...meja aku kosong, kemas....segala barang aku, aku letak dalam kotak...supaya aku senang nak ambik kalau aku ditakdirkan kena posting tempat lain...Meja aku macam tempat pembuangan sampah beb...sampai aku nk amik kotak bawah meja pun sampai kena menonggeng2 keluarkan, nak amik takwim punya pasal....sakit ati kejap...kot ye pun, meja aku xde sape2 ag...jgn la campak semua barang kat situ....
last week mase anta edited draft untuk minit mesyuarat....aku xsedap ati dah...bila aku nak wat borang maklum balas...(borang maklum balas kan kena buat seminggu sebelum meeting), aku bukak kabinet cari fail inisiatif 3K...xde. Aku tanye kat GPK HEM aku, die tanye aku balik..aku rilek ag...aku call pengerusi...pengerusi kate..."rilek je mi, ade la tu orang pinjam kot..." hmm...aku xterkejut pun, coz sebelum ni fail kebajikan pun hilang....n bawah 3K, ada 3 unit berasingan...so maybe salah seorang dari setiausaha unit amik file, buat reference...aku pun kebetulan nk kejar g klas, malas la nak amik port sgt...aku bg edited version yg aku dah sign kt GPK HEM, aku siap masukkan soft copy ag dlm PC die supaya dia boleh edit sendri klu xpuas ati....n email dia as a back up....a week goes by, semalam sebelum exam dia call aku suro dtg sekolah...suro edit draft...aku cakap kat die..aritu aku edit betul2 macam yg die nak...walaupun aku xdela surprise sangat...coz sebelum2 ni pun draft aku 2, 3 kali juga kena edit dan edit...aku bagi awal mane pun...seminggu sebelum meeting juga selalu dapat balik...aku cakap...xsempat...coz exam abis pukul 4.45, dengan jammed ag...sekolah tutup pukul 6.20. mane siap nye nak sign ag, nk modified ag....dalam hati bernanah juga....aku bagi dia minggu lepas beb....esok nak meeting baru ari ni die suro aku betulkan....pastu dia cakap fail hilang....hmmm...ini xbest.
Sampai pg td, aku igt aku kena edit minit mesyuarat je...alahai...typo je rupenye...bende yg GPK HEM aku boleh wat sendri...xyah aku dtg sekolah pun..pastu, slow2 dia cakap..."Amy, awak kena buat fail baru la..." aku terus cakap "takkan saya nak buat dari mula, fail tu ada maklumat dari tahun 2010...saya baru pegang 2012....GPK HEM xtanya dengan pengerusi?" well, pengerusi aku dgn GPK HEM memang xngam...coz pengerusi aku Guru Cemerlang and sudah DG44...aku respect gila dengan dia...and dia sangat efficient...spent 20 years kat sekolah ni...I don't know how dia stay lagi kat sini since she deserves to be some place else yg recognized pencapaian dia...dia ni yg dengan beraninye report dekat NUTP, how we are being badly treated by our admin....tu kadang2 aku rasa sistem government unfair gak...she's a senior teacher at the school, tp admin xrespect dia pun...n walaupun dia guru cemerlang..admin layan dia macam hampeh...so aku memang dah agak...pengerusi aku malas nak layan hal ni...lagipun ini setakat masalah dalaman HEM je, and not the first time happen...aku pun kate la "tp file tu hilang masa saya dah serah tugas saya.." yela bukan nak berkira, or nak mengelak...fail tu masih ada time aku serah tugas...sebelum blah, aku kena serahkan segala barang2 sekolah aku kat admin...siap ade senarai checklist....fail surat-menyurat, fail minit, buku rph, CD lagu, buku register, buku teks,semua aku dah bg...sampai fail guru aku pun aku bg utk cikgu yg ganti aku boleh buat reference...so isu file tu hilang time bwh jagaan aku, memang xtimbul...ape tah ag, aku seorang yg paranoid pasal filing, coz PT sekolah lama aku pernah misplace file induk mase JPNJ datang dulu, nasib baik aku de pendua time tu....so aku memang cakap awal2 time meeting, fail kt pejabat jgn sesekali bawak keluar...kebetulan time tu fail kebajikan hilang dari kabinet...ha...tu bukan masalah aku juga...tp sengal gak la..sebab aku in charge SISOKU,bila nak daftarkan budak online, maklumat budak xde...so aku kena buat kerja lain lak...telefon JKM untuk dapatkan maklumat budak...hmmm...fail ilang...nampak kecikkan masalah dia? but bende kecik ni lah yg menyusahkan...aku neh seorang yg pemalas sangat....sebab tu la aku jage bab fail...coz aku malas nak buat kerja 2 3 kali....bila fail ilang, bukan senang nak buat baru....1st sekali kena buat fail timbul...pastu kena bukak fail baru, isi kod, letak misi, visi, carta organisasi, carta gantt, pelan strategik, bende2 ni kalau nye dah start dari tahun 2010...maksudnya aku yg kena taip baru...mane dah orang simpan soft copy...kena susun ikut tarikh dalam kertas minit n buat indexing...kalau wat file minit mesyuarat...aku kena wat surat panggilan, draft minit, minit, rekod edaran, rekod kedatangan, borang maklum balas....kalau setakat nak letak minit je, senang la...print je...tp rekod edaran dgn rekod kedatangan kena yg ori...kena sign idup...tepuk dahi aku...
PT sek aku dok hasut2, yg ko nak serabut kenape mi, ko ni wat keje free...xde gaji, patutnya bukan masalah ko pun, pemangku pun dah ada, ni pemangku punya tugas dah sekarang...huhu...senang cakap kan? ikut ati memang nak buat gitu, tp selagi xsettle borang prestasi aku...selagi tu la aku xbley bernafas...
Penting ke pencapaian prestasi? yep penting...salah satu kelayakan ko untuk naik pangkat or sambung belajar ko mesti lulus cemerlang 3 tahun berturut2...dekat sekolah lama...2 tahun berturut markah aku 87 and 92, Walaupun xde la tinggi mane but cukuplah utk buat kementerian bg break kt aku sambung study .so tahun ni aku kena score lebih dari 85....klu bawah, maksudnye....I'm not good enough..mungkin xkacau study aku...but later bila aku serve kerajaan balik..rekod xcantik...aku bukannya gila sangat nak naik pangkat, tapi aku xnk rekod aku cacat.....I am a nobody, i do my job, but if the admin feels I'm not good enough, of course I feel so stressful, sejak pindah sini, selain LDP, satu kursus pun aku xpernah pergi, n GB bg aku markah 80 je utk PnP...80 untuk PnP, sangat rendah ok...de orang boleh dapat 100. Confident level aku macam dah xde..n aku tau aku bukannye deal dgn orang yg ada conscience...kalau ketua ko boleh sambung meeting walaupun orang bawahan dia kena rasuk...what do you think??? aku masuk hospital 2 kali, usahkan menjenguk ke, call ke, sms pun xde....so, should I trust her? waktu aku nk g interview...dia xbg aku amik CRK...dia kate itu bukan masalah saya...itu masalah awak...masa aku nak mintak dia sign permohonan cuti belajar aku pun,aku kena cakap dengan dia, pegawai di bahagian latihan kata semua dah ok...tinggal GB sign je, dia boleh kata..."Ok, tp saya ada hak panggil awak bila2 masa saya nak" she practically blackmail me....every chances she got....i don't trust her enough....so I would do anything not to give her chance to bring me down...
I am outsider, baru pindah sini xsampai 8 bulan, aku xde geng nak back up aku, aku xboleh nak melawan terang-terangan macam cikgu-cikgu lain...aku bukan jenis duk bilik guru, pastu gosip2....aku wat hal sendri, depress sendri2, stress sendri2...klu ngumpat pun...ngumpat kt FB, kt blog, dgn kt kawan2 aku...tang mane aku nk share masalah aku dgn cikgu kat sekolah...aku tau ramai cikgu ngelak2 wat kerje ngarut2...last2 kene campak kat aku...memang aku xikhlas pun wat kerja...memang cikgu2 de masuk jarum suro aku wat bodo, tp aku ni kan selfish....aku nak save ass aku gak...
Budak2 je reason aku g sekolah, member aku cakap, aku memang bermasalah dengan adult. I can't stand them. They make me sick. With children, I can joke around and make fun of them...but when it comes to facing another adult, especially strangers....i distance myself..aku buat muka, aku judgemental, n aku jd snob gile, mungkin.betul gak...pas grad, another stranger yg betul2 jd geng aku cume sorang je, cikgu laki kt sekolah lame aku...tu pun sebab certain characteristic yg wat aku ngam dgn die...three years n I only make one friend I could actually hang out with....pathetic kan....I'm not perfect, i'm just doing what i can to survive...as long as nobody gets hurt...but it's frustrating when I try really hard...but people only focus on my weaknesses..or people use me for their own convenience....you screw up....pass it to Amy....Amy screw up....let her fix it herself....