walking down the memory lane....

A recent friend of mine asked me what do I look like before....coz she only sees the chubby side of me....well...since the operation...i keep gaining more and more weight...let's not talk about self confidence coz I have non....i don't even smile like I did back then...i don't even like camwhoring anymore....
While browsing through my pictures collection....I stumble upon this picture

I look so happy back then, I was a believer.....but push aside he who i would rather not mention....sometimes I keep asking, would I be able to get that genuine smile again.....I've been avoiding this topic...for quite some times now....deep inside although i try to forgive...i still blame him....but then again...it's not his fault....but the way he just walk away when I'm at my lowest...until now, although I try to be strong..try not to feel hurt...try to move on with my own life like nothing ever happened..I feel really hurt...
I know I'm not perfect....admitting that, live with that....but until now....I still can't feel secured to just be with people...the paranoia of being abandoned, or shoved to the ground like dirt....it's hard for me to swallow...I used to be so cheerful and so full of life...

An old friend of mine who previously suffer from a heartbreak, said to me, it has been 2 years...I should just get back in the game..according to her..2 years are too long to be dormant...but look at me now...just tell me honestly that you don't see any deterioration with my physical, with my emotion....you want me to go out there...with the current me....sorry..not gonna happen...coz I'm not happy....i still hurt and i refuse to be hurt again....to be made fun of...I'm not optimistic about life like I used to back then.....not so cheeky like i used to back then

 I really miss my old time when I look so genuinely happy with everything, I got friends i could hang out with.....i got friends i could be silly with....now being silly is a privileged at our age...sighh.....i just miss the past where the world seems to be within my reach and I see rainbows every where.......at least back then, i feel good about myself.....now I seem to hate everything...hahaha.....

I just hope there will come a day that I'm able to smile like i used to back then and be happy....with my life, my friends and with every one around me......

surprises....surprises...my attempt to be a movie reviewer...

I just went out with my friends....telling her stuffs...let off some steams.... been a bit stress lately with friendship....with the way things are going....about how us "the hurt" bunch...deal and coping with the situation differently....each has their own defense mechanism to protect them from hurting.... some chose to be not right at the head, some chose to be arrogant and look down on people, some chose to self destruct, i guess for myself i chose the self sabotaging method.....bla bla bla...since this is my blog...i think i deserve to be narcissistic a bit and talk about me before jumping to the movie review...so please just bear with my ME ME ME and all about ME nonsense....
So in order to not get too emotionally depressed...and focusing on doing something fun..we decided to watch a movie....I've read a review about the War of the Worlds Goliath movie, however i have no idea about the movie being local...told my friend it is a steam punk movie taking place in New York 1914..right before the world war  where the military fight with the martians...well talking about alien and New York...it's a bit cliche....
the opening scene took place at Leeds...some location in England...where the 10 year old hero's parents were wiped out by the martians...he was lucky enough to survive because the martians was killed by the germs...quite funny to think that later, instead of focusing on creating bio weapon in preparation to defeat the martians in the near future...the human chose to put more emphasize on machinery...
Although the environment is very well done, and the mechas look really astounding....but the characters...look so much American..it reminds me of GI JOE cartoon....well, I did have an expectation that the characters should be real, at least at the same par as any steam punk movie...maybe if they have a bigger budget....it can be worked out...
So 14 years later, the 10 year old boy become a captain for the crew named Goliath...under the ARES umbrella..it is sort of like a military organization against the aliens consisting of the top military officers all over the world. Goliath has 5 members,they are the captain himself as an English man,a rich canadian girl who's father owns two railways link, a black New Yorker who love his family so much, an Irish man whose brother fighting to free Ireland from England colonization and a Bugis prince from Malaya named Raja Iskandar Shah..my mouth practically gaping when his name was mentioned...and my thought was "wow, so in 1914, there is a Malay muslim royalty whom are able to climb the ladder, Oxford educated, quoting Shakespears, drinking coffee instead of beers at the pub and perform his prayer" haha....in real life....there is a fat chance it's happening...to make matter more interesting...the leader of ARES is a General from Russia named Kushnirov..and the America Secretary of War Teddy Roosevelt with help of the military scientist Nikolai Tesla....it's ironic to think that the organisation based in New York, is run by the Russian General...
There are some memorable scenes in this movie which some people might find them as a bit sensitive or stereotyping..but I think, it adds some spices to the movie......for example, when the German army provoked Teddy Roosevelt about the American being lame..the German army boasted about the fact the German manage to make the Europe crumbling down and America will be next on the list....Teddy Roosevelt lost his cool and actually involved in a bar fight....because of silly things....the brawl was stopped by the General informing the armies that Frank Ferdinanz was murdered in Sarajevo hence the World War One erupted...so the armies under ARES were asked to return to their own countries to serve....Eric the hero a.k.a the Goliath  captain persuade the armies to stay in ARES instead of going back, because the aliens will attack them sooner, when one of the armies from Japan said "but if we don't follow order, we will be a traitor and it has become a treason" Eric reply by saying "despite the fact we come from different places, we are human, instead of fighting and killing each other. We should focus on defending ourselves from the martian, because if we don't we will regret it when we watch someone we love dearly is murdered in front of our eyes, and we did nothing to stop it"...his speech inspired the armies to stay and ignore the order to join the world war...
there is also a scene when Patrick, one of the Irish armies inside the Goliath crew, asked Raja Iskandar Shah "Don't you hate England, they stole your land and make it theirs...you already live in a palace when they still living in a cave.how can you accept order from them?" (Patrick's is a double agent, he worked as a spy for his brother in IRA. some kind of militia to fight for Ireland independence. However, he came to his sense later when he realized that the martian is a greater enemy towards human kind compare to England)...calmly Raja Iskandar Shah replied by quoting Shakespeare "When there's darkness, there's ignorance" I can only assume, it actually meant if you tend to focus on darkness (symbolizes the hate, the negative feelings, the bad things), we will fail to see the bigger picture of what is more important...
One day, when they were doing the combat training, they were ambushed by the aliens, so the war against the alien began....it's interesting to see that they named their machinery and mechas with the name of the Greek mythological creatures....fight after fight after fight...and you will have a chance to see the Malay prince stab the alien with a keris....then again...at this moment,,,I started saying...."this....I never see before"...an army with a full suit keeping a keris as a weapon...i thought the heat ray was hip...i never thought in the era of steam punk, people still keep a keris inside their military suit....never cross my mind...
the movie ends with the Russian General, after losing his son in the battle decided to crash the martian spacecraft with their hydraulic Zeppelin named Leviathan....therefore winning the battle against the Martian...so it's safe to say...in this movie, the Russian saved New York....how twisted is that????
As a conclusion, it's a good movie, but they should focus more on the development of the characters...but not too bad....compared to the other Malaysia product so far...it's a good thing for tripod to dare doing the extreme....it's a good thing to joint venture with some big names...and come out with something cool...it's the next best thing for Malaysia animation industry after Upin and Ipin....

confessing my crush...

I had a conversation with my coursemates and suddenly it leads to somewhere else....but then again...with girls...the conversation always lead to somewhere else or something else...one of my coursemates said that there was a couple in our senior's batch that met during the course and eventually lead to marriage. evidently, in our group, there is one of us that never had any boyfriend before...she's a muslim foreigner...and she told us about her father being strict about such issue...well of course if you are 23, any father would be strict too....then again, at 23 I already had my 4th BF, not something i can be proud of, it only shows that I am a loser in that area...but still I have experiences when it comes to boys or men...whatever...
Throughout my 27 years of life, i come across so many crushes...and I realise they have so many things in common...which are the reasons why later i chose to shy away or avoid any contact with them..because ideally..I always choose domesticated boys rather than the dominant type.Race or origin is never the issue...I don't care which part of the country you are coming from...a good guy is a good guy whether they are Malaysian or foreigners....I'm more concern about their personality....and how they become their own person...
I might be lying if I say that, physical attribution doesn't play part in me attracting to someone...but as long as they are pleasant looking...it's fine...because i can definitely differentiate between the physical quality and the personal quality they possess...
I like a guy who doesn't talk much in public although they tend to talk much when he is in the comfort of his own good friends...a cool guy doesn't necessarily have to be an open book for people to read. He usually has a strong take on something he believes in although some might find it ridiculous or uncool...he doesn't necessarily have to be hot, but his level of reasoning and the way he carry himself is hot....In older guy, I do idolise  Mahathir, Benicio Del Toro, or even Einstein perhaps....they are their own individual, they do not try so hard to be cool...they just have different ways to carry themselves....
In younger generation...of course I would be interested in guys who act matured and composed in their manner...they don't easily get provoked and instead of becoming the center of the limelight....they choose to avoid it...not so much out of shyness or the fact that they are socially awkward but because they just don't like the attention given to them...Some people, do emits the aura that attracts people towards them...and those guys who practically aware about it but don't really bother about his own attractiveness is always the coolest.
But...there is a fine line between a crush and actually having a relationship with someone...crush is just a crush...I'm the type of girl who put the plus minus of everything before proceeding to the next level...the hardest part is always about whether the crush is one sided or two sided.....before having a firm stand about this....the crush will remain a crush forever....and sometimes by having a crush instead of a real relationship, we tend to idolise them more that way...because we don't know them much...we just idolise or like the image of him...this image might be superficial, but since it's just a crush...so it doesn't matter much....
So on the way home, i spoke to one of my coursemates that of course i do have a crush on a particular male coursemate of ours...but later...considering all factors...it is better for the crush to remain a crush....but I think, from my own view...since the first time i saw him...I think he's cool....and yeah...i admire him for that...and that's it....
By the way, i don't often talk about my crush even to my friends...because of the uncertaintiness of the situation or they might think I have gone crazy if I actually dare said "I do like him.." So coming clean about that to one of my coursemate...and now thinking about it again...I slap my forehead....and ask myself "why did you say that?" i feel so ashame right now.....

political reform...is that what we really need?

While waiting for the friday prayer to be over...I decided to check my fb...Today we have a discussion about leadership and policy in Malaysia...then I found in my news feed, a friend posted about  Soros's retaliation towards Mahathir saying he's the second most corrupted leader in the world,but for me how can you believe the word of a vindictive person without even analysing things thoroughly....there's no angel vs devil in nation building...Soros affiliation with IMF...manipulation of the exchange rate...the original sin, the rising of the tiger power...the foul play involved in Thailand economic trade that domino affected the rest of the asia, the panic, the ominous rumors that lead to Asia economic downfall....the reducing effect of Russia's import influence..the increase of interest rate promoted by Anwar ensuring that the country would reach the bottom at the fastest speed...things were already shitty back then...instead of focusing who caused the shit....the priority was given to mend the shit...anwar is incompetent when it comes to economy...that's the fact...he might be a nice person, possess a great persona...liked by other people...but Mahathir's way is what makes Malaysia achieve everything it has today...there's no point dwelling in the past...Mahathir is no longer on the throne....what matters is NOW...do we have the capacity to move forward as one nation? My coursemate actually said this in the class..."you have one shit and on the other hand you have another shit, it's just a matter of who will derail the country faster"....we still struggle to find balance in economy, racial issues and religious matter....but both parties doesn't even show a single sign of promoting the integration and equality...disparity still happen even in the opposition territories....opposition shows the superficial unity when everybody knows it's a bag full of shit....and the government's elitism practices contributed to the loss of trust among the citizen...it will not be a shocker that in the future...there will be another 13th May in Malaysia...there will be coup d'etat by the military...especially when the common people now that are so full of self entitlement....that thinking they are better educated now to voice out the opinion and criticizing things....they have a right as a citizen to earn all the benefit without even contributing much to the development of nation...thinking that by paying the tax and the freedom to vote gives them power to get away with whatever they want....Keneddy once said "asked not what the country can give you, but what can you give towards the country" the leader is the mirror image of the citizen....hasn't it even occurred to our mind that the reason we have such shitty leaders on both sides...because we as citizens....are shitty too...we are all talk....but we can't even walk the talk...we want freedom...but we never utilize what's given to us for something positive...we whine every time a new policy is implemented....and hope things will change just by whining, and the fairy will come and change them overnight...the corruption comes from within...don't be too ambitious about changing the country..just concentrate on changing yourself by being a better person, who follow the rules, who instead of receiving always contributing towards the society...one of my Japanese friend used to say "the politics is never good in Japan...there's always something wrong somewhere...but the loyalty and the fact that every citizen play their part wholeheartedly is what makes the nation stronger"...I think it's time to the citizen itself to think what really matters...the change of the political leader/party...or the reformation of the shrewed mentality that we posses....?

I miss my TESL buddies...

This morning we had the discussion related to ethnicity in Malaysia and how the disunity among the races in the local university is pointed out very obviously...most of the classes started to reflect their experiences with other races....the bad and the good....it somehow makes me miss my TESL buddies a lot...
Due to the fact that i fared quite poorly in my SPM result...I put the blame on myself for my inability to fit in the homogenous society of my boarding school due to my previous multicultural educational background. but sometimes, I have the thought, if only i stayed in SAB....things would have been better. But then again, in bad times, you get to know who your friends are....I'm not perfect..but some people did reach out to me, did become my friend and accepted me for being myself..and I'm grateful for that...
After that experience, I really put emphasize on never again I want to be in that situation. Unlike my other boarding school friends who chose to further their tertiary education by going to Matriculation colleges or institutions that end with Mara at the back...and since I got D in my chemistry subject..that automatically disqualify me to apply for JPA scholarship although I did very well in the other subjects...I still have a grudge towards my chemistry teacher because of that... I will never recognize her as a good teacher. For almost a year I studied by myself in order to avoid confrontation with her, she kept giving me emotional blackmail, saying that if I continuously show my rebellious side of me...she will 'haram' kan all the knowledge she had taught me. Her sister was equally bad. They kept on insisting that the student must respect them but they never look at themselves at the mirror...they acted like crazy women...scolding and shouting...and expected us to kiss their hands when the class ended...I could never understand that kind of culture, although I am a teacher...I never insisted that the pupils must kiss my hands. What annoyed me the most was the fact that these two women were always dress in a Jubah and waist length cloak...but their attitudes didn't represent their belief..it made me formed a negative perception about the muslimah with the waist length cloak..i could never look at them under the positive light...
So when the educational ministry offered the scholarship for TESL. I grabbed it. I didn't come from a rich family background and most of our education fund was sourced to my sister since she chose to study in the IPTS. So me and my younger brother decided to be resourceful and looking for any type of scholarship to fund our tertiary education...our parents play no part in deciding our tertiary education, perhaps they have learnt a valuable lesson when they forced their way into our education by putting my sister in UIA matriculation and me in MRSM....hoping that our rebellious tendencies will be reduced..or perhaps they at the time were influence by the rising of the Muslim awareness, realising that they were quite liberal in the way they brought us up, they thought by putting us in the blanket of homogenous community will help us find a way back to our root...evidently their action backfired...the tension within our family arose....and due to that they give us an absolute freedom to choose our own paths...but under a condition that we cannot fully rely on them for financial support..they will still give me and my brother allowances...but most of the money goes to our sister...
TESL scholarship is the best way out, and I don't hate the idea of becoming an English teacher. Because back then, they were always the nicest towards me. They inspired me of becoming an English teacher that  not only respected but loved by the students. They taught me about acceptance, about how everyone is equal. They teach me not to be judgemental and always go beyond the racial barrier. They made me realise that when teaching, we don't see the student according to their races...we just see some eager faces wanting to learn, to be appreciated, to be recognized, to be heard...they desire our attention to acknowledge them in the class...they need compliment when they are doing good and support when they perform badly...so although my passion somehow always related to politics...TESL wasn't such a bad idea at all..
My undergraduate study was the greatest moment of my life. Somehow I feel like I'm being rebirth, we came from different corner of Malaysia. each with our own value, lifestyle and perception...and we managed to withstand each other for 6 years and remain united....of course there are times when the grass was not always greener, we have good moment, we have bad moment....but the understanding and the acceptance developed towards each other is the most remarkable. Just by thinking about our TESL cohort can bring a smile to my face. All the retarded moment, the not so sane moment, the rebellious moment, the perverted moment....imprinted in my mind and make me feel nostalgic.
I remember at the beginning, we were prejudiced towards each other, we were divided into 6 homerooms and 3 classes which were 1.1, 1.2 and 1.3...1.1 was described as a rowdy bunch..always creating chaos and annoy the seniors by being too noisy. The 1.2 was described as the passive bunch, they are very good at getting things done,but they keep quiet most of the time. The 1.3 was described as a lazy bunch, although later it turn out most of the 4 flatters came from them.
I was placed in 1.1. We have the most number of guys compared to other classes.. but their influence are hardly recognized due to the fact that they are outnumbered by the girls...and it turn out we have lots of outspoken and gila kuasa classmates at the time. So the girls practically dominating everything about running the class...all the guys can do is nod. But despite this fact, we always thought our foundation year as our honeymoon year. We celebrated our birthday by throwing party every three months, we collected the money  and did some fundraising so that we could actually go to the vacation together. We had our fun time with the lecturers and some of the not so fun time. but what amused me the most, the race was never an issue..we talked, we joked about racial stuffs...never even considered about how sensitive the issues were treated outside...now that I look back...it kinda shaped the way I bring myself nowadays...i'm always so tactless in my words before...and the openness that I had experienced actually make it worse. if I were to talk the same way I did with them with the people outside, most people would feel offended....
For example, some of my friends openly admitting that they are bananas..and they felt no shame admitting it, while others might find it offensive. So, every time the chinese started speaking chinese language to them,  their facial expression was priceless....and we laugh a lot because of that... some of us are quite perverted in the innocent way....thanks to them i learn a lot about lemon and hentai.... well I have to admit i did play my part in it....we learnt a lot of puns and words with double meaning...and some of them are really hilarious....we had a fair share of the sleepyhead, whom always manage to stay awake most of the time except when the lecture started, we had the latecomers also known as budak2 skuter...coz skuter is often related to slowness (the lack of speed)...we have the noisy bunch whose laugh were even funnier than the joke itself, we have the rebellious bunch who will find every opportunity to go against the lecturer... we have the outspoken people who voices out their dissatisfaction towards certain issues face to face to the lecturer and we have the drama queens to add up some spices....
Never in my life i see so much freedom of expression being practiced almost every time except when we in the comfort of our own cohort....and I knew at the time, I found a place in which I belong. When we don't agree with something, we are quick to voice it out, without even thinking about the consequence, we formed a strong belief and committed to it...but we always manage to find the common ground. If we think that the lecturer is practising double standard..we are not afraid to voice it out...If we think that the lecturer decision is quite ridiculous, we will obviously retaliate.
We have so many strong characters within the cohort...each with their own persona and ideology. Leadership Wise, they are equally good. But I admire Jia Rong the most, her authoritarian ways of doing things, not necessarily agreeable to others, but it's always works out. We have Teoh, the perfectionist and idealist of our community, We have Kia Hooi who always calm and collected when handling things, the hard working Rahah who always come out with ideas and motivation to realise the ideas, Mamai who plan and organise things nicely, we have Asha who always so convincing in everything she said...these people are the person responsible in shaping the culture of our cohort. Our cohort is always being branded as the black sheep, coz we chose to go against the lecturer most of the time, but academically...our achievement as a general exceeds any other cohort...despite our rebelliousness...we are still able to get good grades....
I have my chance working with lots of coursemates from different background, and I like working with them...I like working with Jia Rong and Melissa because most of the time we ended up laughing about something hilarious that has nothing to do with what we are actually working on, this thing always manage to drive the lecturer mad...because they always came out with some witty retorts when the lecturer asked them about what they are doing...I love working with Gladys because I like her view, she just like a walking encyclopedia to me. The way she shows her view on things are very concise and sharp, she never fail to amaze me. I also love working with Ervinna, she always being so helpful, so ever ready to work with..we develop mutual understanding and filling in each other's limitation...it just occur to me that most of the time. I seldom work with my own friend, I find that working with my own friend is quite distracting...because you have to worry about personal aspects of your relationship. Well, i always being so non committal about relationship and friendship. the thought of having to spend my time and work with the same person is quite suffocating. Those who knew me well, will get the idea. You can become my bestest friend in the world, but if you ask me to work with you...I would say...NO. So i always act as an open agent accepting anybody who would want to work with me. and the system work just fine.
When working together, I always avoid being the leader, because I find that whenever I'm in charged.. the result is not what I have anticipated. I hate to work with people who only rely on me to tell them what to do...Fortunately my partners and my group member are always the initiative lot, full of ideas and resourceful...we contributed in ways that we did best...and I really love the experience....
And when the time comes for us to study in UM...we find no problem to fit in. The lecturers at first are quite sceptical because of the negative perception they had with our senior. But later, they begin to warm up to us,  the perception has changed...at that time they actually quite doubtful about our excellence in academic performance... it turns out their doubt was unfounded...because our result are getting even better than before...they become so proud of us for the fact not only all of us graduating with honour, but one of our cohort was chosen to receive a royal degree for the Bumiputera, something that education faculty would never dream to achieve....and I myself so proud of my friend Fatiha....she deserves it....and during the convocation day...when the education faculty graduates stand up symbolising the honour of graduating excellently....the feeling is indescribable...
Most of the time, the teachers are often affiliated with lack of training, inability to perform the task, lack of resourcefulness, even the profession of the teacher itself is considered as a last resort of the graduates who didn't manage to get a job...but us the product of the twinning programme between IPG and IPTA, defying the odds and became even better than the product of IPTA itself...prove to people that we can do it...that academic excellence can be reached if we really put our mind to it...we can proudly claim that we are the quality product...looking back I always so proud of becoming TESLians....
I don't care even some people look down on us and underestimating us by saying that TESL is an easy course...walk the talk man....i don't care shit about your course, if you are unable to get good grades, blame yourself...there's no such things as EASY course, we are busting our ass for the grades...we may look like the unaffected bunch...who can enjoy ourselves during the examination time, some people even asked when did you study? It's hard to find you doing revision or reading stuffs...but you always manage to get good grades...dear friend, we make it looks easy because we chose to....and we are not reading simply because the exam is around the corner...it's already implanted and accumulated through times and when the time comes...they will be written on the paper....just like what my friend always said "it's all in my head"....
At this moment...i really miss my buddies...I miss bullying Ieda, I miss sharing sarcasm remarks with Jahwati, I miss all the hilarious joke and retarded moment i shared with Jia Rong and Melissa, I miss the witty Aini with her witty remarks..i still remember how she fight ardently with the lecturer over a microphone..., I miss Muhafiz the "so called Capt.Jack, I miss Keri my hobbit mischievous partner..I miss Sze Mei and her funny jokes, I miss Ervinna who always so accepting towards me, I miss Anis Amira and Rohani, I just miss everybody.....luckily I'm still in contact with Gladys, Fatiha, Hanna, Zizi,Mamas and of course Aishah and Izzah....but perhaps someday...somebody will plan a reunion to gather us together....being part of the TESL cohort 2 students by far...is one of the best experience I ever had....

I'm 27 now....

Hoho....I'm 27 now, and my life is going great....looking back, I always have regret...words that i said, absurdity in my action, to err is human...aren't we all just a screwed up bunch....

Although it's hard to admit, but my greatest regret is about repressing my true feeling when i should just be honest....now I don't have a chance to even do that.. after telling so many lies to myself that things always get better the next time, I will become more level headed, more optimist in my view...I will improve...things would change somehow,I come to the point that I have to accept the fact...things would never change.

There are always the time that you reached the peak of suicidal, when you just think life has no meaning any more, when you lose someone whom is so dear to you... and going on is something you refuse to do... but life is like the river flowing, no matter how much you struggle to go against it, you'll get tired eventually and just go with the flow...life isn't a bed of roses...but will death promise us something better?

I've wrote about this before, that I probably won't live long enough to enjoy my retirement...but I'm not a God to decide on something like that...and they say bad people live longer...so considering I'm no angel myself, I probably live long enough to see myself become the villain... 

I've been wanting so bad that I would do anything to make it happen, but you won't always get what you want. Sometimes you have to learn to let go. Sometimes it is important that our happiness is short lived, rather than it slowly become something boring, something hurtful and full of hatred...

Knowing myself better than anyone, I know I will be good at the surviving department...I might go crazy and act like a bitch...but I will be a strong bitch....the smart ass bitch, that always have a clever retort over any remark given to me. 

The most important thing, treat your loved one better. Your family, your friends or your partner. I lost that chance before and I'm not so keen to have any more experience dealing with the grief of what if...

banyak sgt ke kerja cikgu?

"banyak sgt ke kerja cikgu? aku tgk diorg ni asyik merungut2 je wat kerja?" kate seorang makhluk Allah kepada aku...sentap jugak beb...sebenarnya tanggungjawab utama guru adalah membuat rancangan pelajaran harian dan melaksanakannya di dalam bilik darjah...yg ni memang kena buat..klu xbuat boleh kena saman ribu2...kerja2 pengkeranian yg lain adalah value added package menjadi seorang guru..macam ko pakai bil...kunun byr rm50 ringgit sebulan...tetibe dtg hidden charge sane sini...bg guru2 yg ikhlas...itu xmenjadi masalah besar...bak kate orang tua2...klu semua nak berkira, xyah la jd cikgu...but semua tu ada limit...guru dah banyak berkorban untuk murid..dari duit ringgit sampai la ke masa yg dihabiskan...kalau nak mengungkit memang habis pahala amal jariah...pasal kerja pengkeranian tu...sebenarnya..kalau pentadbiran sekolah tu cekap...semua kerja pun boleh jadi senang...kalau dari awal tahun dah diadakan jadual dan checklist..dan diedarkan kan kepada guru...lengkap dengan waktu meeting, waktu submit exam paper,waktu exam, waktu kemasukan markah, waktu masuk instrument dalam fail perkembangan murid, waktu check berat tinggi budak, waktu update smm, waktu camping, waktu event2 besar kat sekolah, waktu ko-kurikulum, waktu field trip, waktu hari sukan, waktu kejohanan2 yg penting, waktu gotong royong, dan waktu2 yg sewaktu dengannye...cikgu2 pun senang nak refer and prioritise..bila dah siap, tick aje...wat copy utk documentation...tapi kalau pentadbiran sendri cuma tahu mengarah..n kalu setakat bg takwim yg ade tulis cuti sekolah je, tak peka dengan tarikh2 penting...tak susun perancangan dengan elok...last minit tukar2 arahan...guru2 yg jd mangsa...mungkin sebab tu cikgu banyak merungut...pentadbiran sekali bagi kerja bertimbun-timbun...tapi nak dalam masa yg cepat...sedangkan guru masih kena mengajar seperti biasa....bukan boleh curi2 buat dalam kelas....n klu kerja lebih masa bukan boleh claim overtime...ade cikgu yg cincai....sebab terkejar2 nak selesaikan benda yg ni...PnP lintang pukang...budak2 disuruh baca buku sendiri...sementara dia sibuk menyiapkan tugas yg diberi....kat sini lah terjadinya kecuaian....
Tak dinafikan,ada cikgu yg memang pemalas..ade kerja ke xde kerja ke...PnP macam tu juga, tp bila kerja2 pengkeranian makin menimbun, sesetengah cikgu berada dalam dilema nak utamakan yg mana satu....bila dah start juggling...mulalah cikgu2 merungut...lagi2 kalau tetibe kerajaan nk wat event2 mengejut, sekali jemput budak2 sekolah ramai2....cikgu jugak yg kena iring...cancel trip jalan2 bersama2 keluarga tercinta....nak harap mak bapak budak2 tu sendri yg iring...xde maknenye....sedangkan event tu bukan event sekolah...tp cikgu2 masih kena bertanggungjawab terhadap murid-murid...mak bapak skang pantang anak jatuh sikit...laju je nak menyaman....
as a conclusion, kalau semua orang faham tugas dan peranan masing-masing, semua kerja akan jadi senang, pentadbiran kena la main banyak peranan n sediakan fasiliti dan kemudahan yg cukup....sediakan kertas yang cukup, dakwat printer yang cukup, akses internet yg laju, mesin binding, mesin photostat, stationaries yg lengkap, PA yg cekap, PT yang membantu, baru la kerja cikgu pun smooth....ini tidak, dari A sampai Z asyik harapkan cikgu je...dah la kerja kena buat, duit sendri asyik keluar, kalau claim pun belum tentu dapat...motivasi guru pun berkurangan...lepas 2 3 tahun mengajar...dah rasa x seronok....aku pernah dapat sekolah yg pentadbiran dia best...n aku pernah dapat sekolah yg pentadbiran dia cam bangang...aku pernah sehari dan semalam duk sekolah wat kerja n xmerungut....and aku pernah sehari semalam duk sekolah wat kerja yg bukan kerja aku dan menyumpah maki hamun xigt dunia....guru pun manusia...ade mase mood ok, ada masa mood foul....kalau kena kerja bawah pentadbiran yg entah ape-ape....siapa yg xpanas....
Tapi semua ni berlaku mungkin ada hikmahnya...mungkin untuk mendidik guru supaya lebih efficient dan organised...walaupun pentadbiran yg kat atas tu tunggang langgang...sekurang2nya guru2 boleh belajar untuk mandiri dan ambil inisiatif sendiri supaya kerja sendiri tidak terjejas....sekali sekala merungut itu ok...tp kalau selalu orang pun bosan juga....a reminder for myself yg selalu aktif dalam bidang perungutan ini....bila kita encounter satu masalah and kita berjaya menyelesaikan masalah itu...kita dah develop diri kita...we become stronger than yesterday....so pokok pangkalnya...terpulanglah kepada guru tu sendiri nak letak diri diorang dekat mana...coz kerja xkan pernah habis...if you can't change the system...you must find a way to makes things easier for you....and kerjasama tu penting...sorry to say...kalau ko dapat colleague yg best n supportive, n sanggup wat kerja sama-sama....it's a heaven...but kalau ko dapat colleague yg suka menjatuhkan, save their own asses, n rasa diri sendri lagi bagus dari orang lain n xnk membantu....it's a hell....I've experienced both....if you can't adapt...back off and do things by yourself...if rase lost n xtau, be resourceful....tanya colleague yg lain...n klu they turn a cold shoulder by saying "entah la...cari la sendri" or "akak xtau la..." be even more resourceful...cari kat forum or internet...tanya kawan2 yg tahu....jadi cikgu kena sentiasa berkongsi dan bertukar pendapat....xsetuju xpe...janji ada exchange of information....bila kita tahu ape yg kita kena buat...kerja lagi cepat siap....
n walaupun benda ni paling susah nak dilakukan....but kita kena separate hal personal dengan hal kerja..hal personal dan kerjaya sama penting...xbley lebihkan salah satu...i learnt the hard way...sebab xjaga kesihatan...kerja aku terjejas...nasib baik kerja government...klu private...confirm aku dh kena sacked...sekali mc sampai sebulan...mahu x dasyat....so i learn my lesson...jaga kesihatan supaya aku boleh jalankan kerja aku dengan sempurna....Alhamdulillah..kerana MC aku yg amat dasyat itu...aku xberani nak amik MC yg sehari...klu demam teruk pun aku datang....coz nak imbal balik MC yg berminggu2 tu...CRK pun xpernah amik ag dari mula mengajar...hohohohoho.....but side effect MC lame2...balik sekolah...kerja bertimbun2.....pandai2 la ko nak selesaikan mane dulu...janji kerja siap....
kesimpulannya, merungut tu part and parcel ko jd cikgu...cuma kadang2 ia jd extreme bila orang kt atas tu kadang2 macam xpernah jd cikgu lagaknya....mula memberi arahan2 mengarut dan menyusahkan...so pandai-pandailah....merungut xsalah....tapi kalau selalu, orang pun menyampah....hoho..faham tu Amy....ko merungut banyak sangat...orang menyampah tau.....remember Amy, whiner none the wiser....