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weeee....dah lame xupdate....lately tiap kali nak update je...connection kt skola asik haus plus aku maleh nk update blog kat skola...nampak sgt mcm aku curi tulang....so aku decided nk pakai broadband balik....n update d blog wit d comfort of my home...
During the past two days...aku n member g main air terjun....sgt brrrrrrr....coz aku dpt pakej mandi air terjun n air hujan....but aku xupdate blog aku psl air terjun...itu aku akan letak kt the other blog...since this blog...is more to touchy touchy feely feely....so aku concentrate dkt perkara yg saiko atau penuh emosi....or jiwang karat...
The best things about hanging out with a friend...is sesi berkongsi perasaan...n then again...of coz la akan sentuh pasal laki....
So kitorg pun berdiskusi tentang letting go....one of my friend said that...between boys n girls...it's the guy that always having the problem about letting go...even though the love is gone...they will still try to hang on to it...i don't know what the reason is...it might be the greed or their possessive nature...I don't know what to make of it...
I'm still mending my broken heart...still lying to myself that he will come back...but I don't know....i really have no idea...
my two parts of the brain are so full of craps....voices keep talking to me...as if trying to help me justify the unjustifiable stuff....fix the unfixable...unscrewed the screwed....N i'm lost in the translation....
In my right hand, I have to decide whether i should stay n being just friend with someone i used to love wit all my heart...I still hurt when he said those words to me....THE LOVE HAS GONE....why love is so important that when we run out of it we start throwing everything away...the good and the bad....n if the love is gone....why giving me flowers...why treats me with the nice steaks in town, why buy me expensive clothes with less function and what about buying me my favorite books.,...why being nice to me when you practically dump me months or years ago..And i still don't understand how I could chill and watch movie with him plenty of time after the break up..how still exchange smses whenever he's out from that middle earth...i could not justify it...if it just a habit formation...and it sticks...why does the love doesn't stick???? and why after all these years he wants to see me again...I just wish I'm not reading too much into it...after my bleeding heart is able to dry....it's easy for me to falter...coz it is not a F***king movie...where the prince n princess live happily ever after....somehow I wish that he was wrong...and I was right....the love has not gone...it still there...we just lost it...the way i lost it when he decided to end it....but my heart still ache...i pray to god that he will quickly get married so that I can put a real end to it....
on the other hand...i thought i already find someone who is just fine...just right...where when both combine...it could complete each other...but then again...reality slapped me on the face....I was tricked...n i start I asking myself what's real...coz i really don't know....I know nothing about him as I thought i did....all those words he said...i don't know if it lies or the truth....and I feel stupid...coz I thought I am a clever person....guys couldn't play trick on me...and his act was real enough to fool me....those words with lots of emotion...the puppy eye...it makes me want to drive my head to the wall....n though i keep telling people n myself that I don't buy him anymore....but deep inside I really want to believe in him....
And I find myself stuck...the first guy who is unwilling to let go...when it's about time to....or the guy you never ever take an effort to wish for my birthday or asking about my health....who server the ties exactly at the moment we are done....and I still hoping to settle the score with him....I am so damn pathetic...
I know i should move on...i just have to meet the guy and hit it...but look at me...i grow double my size....my health is not pristine as it used to be....I'm getting more n more selfish n annoying everyday...I don't know how to be nice to guys coz I think they are a bunch of D***heads....I don't know how to go back in the game anymore....
Even though I want to...but I can't...I dun know if it is considered as weird...but I"ve been traumatized with the whole experience...and I could never look at things the way I do now that I've grown up n aged...and I past the playing stage....I don't want to go back to the dating zone....n i'm too freak out to settle.....i know i should find for the solution...but part of me saying...it's not worth it anymore....
i'm not a person who cheat their partner....but everywhere i look...it makes me lost hope in the word trust anymore....i've erased it from my vocab list....