walking down the memory lane....

A recent friend of mine asked me what do I look like before....coz she only sees the chubby side of me....well...since the operation...i keep gaining more and more weight...let's not talk about self confidence coz I have non....i don't even smile like I did back then...i don't even like camwhoring anymore....
While browsing through my pictures collection....I stumble upon this picture

I look so happy back then, I was a believer.....but push aside he who i would rather not mention....sometimes I keep asking, would I be able to get that genuine smile again.....I've been avoiding this topic...for quite some times now....deep inside although i try to forgive...i still blame him....but then again...it's not his fault....but the way he just walk away when I'm at my lowest...until now, although I try to be strong..try not to feel hurt...try to move on with my own life like nothing ever happened..I feel really hurt...
I know I'm not perfect....admitting that, live with that....but until now....I still can't feel secured to just be with people...the paranoia of being abandoned, or shoved to the ground like dirt....it's hard for me to swallow...I used to be so cheerful and so full of life...

An old friend of mine who previously suffer from a heartbreak, said to me, it has been 2 years...I should just get back in the game..according to her..2 years are too long to be dormant...but look at me now...just tell me honestly that you don't see any deterioration with my physical, with my emotion....you want me to go out there...with the current me....sorry..not gonna happen...coz I'm not happy....i still hurt and i refuse to be hurt again....to be made fun of...I'm not optimistic about life like I used to back then.....not so cheeky like i used to back then

 I really miss my old time when I look so genuinely happy with everything, I got friends i could hang out with.....i got friends i could be silly with....now being silly is a privileged at our age...sighh.....i just miss the past where the world seems to be within my reach and I see rainbows every where.......at least back then, i feel good about myself.....now I seem to hate everything...hahaha.....

I just hope there will come a day that I'm able to smile like i used to back then and be happy....with my life, my friends and with every one around me......

surprises....surprises...my attempt to be a movie reviewer...

I just went out with my friends....telling her stuffs...let off some steams.... been a bit stress lately with friendship....with the way things are going....about how us "the hurt" bunch...deal and coping with the situation differently....each has their own defense mechanism to protect them from hurting.... some chose to be not right at the head, some chose to be arrogant and look down on people, some chose to self destruct, i guess for myself i chose the self sabotaging method.....bla bla bla...since this is my blog...i think i deserve to be narcissistic a bit and talk about me before jumping to the movie review...so please just bear with my ME ME ME and all about ME nonsense....
So in order to not get too emotionally depressed...and focusing on doing something fun..we decided to watch a movie....I've read a review about the War of the Worlds Goliath movie, however i have no idea about the movie being local...told my friend it is a steam punk movie taking place in New York 1914..right before the world war  where the military fight with the martians...well talking about alien and New York...it's a bit cliche....
the opening scene took place at Leeds...some location in England...where the 10 year old hero's parents were wiped out by the martians...he was lucky enough to survive because the martians was killed by the germs...quite funny to think that later, instead of focusing on creating bio weapon in preparation to defeat the martians in the near future...the human chose to put more emphasize on machinery...
Although the environment is very well done, and the mechas look really astounding....but the characters...look so much American..it reminds me of GI JOE cartoon....well, I did have an expectation that the characters should be real, at least at the same par as any steam punk movie...maybe if they have a bigger budget....it can be worked out...
So 14 years later, the 10 year old boy become a captain for the crew named Goliath...under the ARES umbrella..it is sort of like a military organization against the aliens consisting of the top military officers all over the world. Goliath has 5 members,they are the captain himself as an English man,a rich canadian girl who's father owns two railways link, a black New Yorker who love his family so much, an Irish man whose brother fighting to free Ireland from England colonization and a Bugis prince from Malaya named Raja Iskandar Shah..my mouth practically gaping when his name was mentioned...and my thought was "wow, so in 1914, there is a Malay muslim royalty whom are able to climb the ladder, Oxford educated, quoting Shakespears, drinking coffee instead of beers at the pub and perform his prayer" haha....in real life....there is a fat chance it's happening...to make matter more interesting...the leader of ARES is a General from Russia named Kushnirov..and the America Secretary of War Teddy Roosevelt with help of the military scientist Nikolai Tesla....it's ironic to think that the organisation based in New York, is run by the Russian General...
There are some memorable scenes in this movie which some people might find them as a bit sensitive or stereotyping..but I think, it adds some spices to the movie......for example, when the German army provoked Teddy Roosevelt about the American being lame..the German army boasted about the fact the German manage to make the Europe crumbling down and America will be next on the list....Teddy Roosevelt lost his cool and actually involved in a bar fight....because of silly things....the brawl was stopped by the General informing the armies that Frank Ferdinanz was murdered in Sarajevo hence the World War One erupted...so the armies under ARES were asked to return to their own countries to serve....Eric the hero a.k.a the Goliath  captain persuade the armies to stay in ARES instead of going back, because the aliens will attack them sooner, when one of the armies from Japan said "but if we don't follow order, we will be a traitor and it has become a treason" Eric reply by saying "despite the fact we come from different places, we are human, instead of fighting and killing each other. We should focus on defending ourselves from the martian, because if we don't we will regret it when we watch someone we love dearly is murdered in front of our eyes, and we did nothing to stop it"...his speech inspired the armies to stay and ignore the order to join the world war...
there is also a scene when Patrick, one of the Irish armies inside the Goliath crew, asked Raja Iskandar Shah "Don't you hate England, they stole your land and make it theirs...you already live in a palace when they still living in a cave.how can you accept order from them?" (Patrick's is a double agent, he worked as a spy for his brother in IRA. some kind of militia to fight for Ireland independence. However, he came to his sense later when he realized that the martian is a greater enemy towards human kind compare to England)...calmly Raja Iskandar Shah replied by quoting Shakespeare "When there's darkness, there's ignorance" I can only assume, it actually meant if you tend to focus on darkness (symbolizes the hate, the negative feelings, the bad things), we will fail to see the bigger picture of what is more important...
One day, when they were doing the combat training, they were ambushed by the aliens, so the war against the alien began....it's interesting to see that they named their machinery and mechas with the name of the Greek mythological creatures....fight after fight after fight...and you will have a chance to see the Malay prince stab the alien with a keris....then again...at this moment,,,I started saying...."this....I never see before"...an army with a full suit keeping a keris as a weapon...i thought the heat ray was hip...i never thought in the era of steam punk, people still keep a keris inside their military suit....never cross my mind...
the movie ends with the Russian General, after losing his son in the battle decided to crash the martian spacecraft with their hydraulic Zeppelin named Leviathan....therefore winning the battle against the Martian...so it's safe to say...in this movie, the Russian saved New York....how twisted is that????
As a conclusion, it's a good movie, but they should focus more on the development of the characters...but not too bad....compared to the other Malaysia product so far...it's a good thing for tripod to dare doing the extreme....it's a good thing to joint venture with some big names...and come out with something cool...it's the next best thing for Malaysia animation industry after Upin and Ipin....

confessing my crush...

I had a conversation with my coursemates and suddenly it leads to somewhere else....but then again...with girls...the conversation always lead to somewhere else or something else...one of my coursemates said that there was a couple in our senior's batch that met during the course and eventually lead to marriage. evidently, in our group, there is one of us that never had any boyfriend before...she's a muslim foreigner...and she told us about her father being strict about such issue...well of course if you are 23, any father would be strict too....then again, at 23 I already had my 4th BF, not something i can be proud of, it only shows that I am a loser in that area...but still I have experiences when it comes to boys or men...whatever...
Throughout my 27 years of life, i come across so many crushes...and I realise they have so many things in common...which are the reasons why later i chose to shy away or avoid any contact with them..because ideally..I always choose domesticated boys rather than the dominant type.Race or origin is never the issue...I don't care which part of the country you are coming from...a good guy is a good guy whether they are Malaysian or foreigners....I'm more concern about their personality....and how they become their own person...
I might be lying if I say that, physical attribution doesn't play part in me attracting to someone...but as long as they are pleasant looking...it's fine...because i can definitely differentiate between the physical quality and the personal quality they possess...
I like a guy who doesn't talk much in public although they tend to talk much when he is in the comfort of his own good friends...a cool guy doesn't necessarily have to be an open book for people to read. He usually has a strong take on something he believes in although some might find it ridiculous or uncool...he doesn't necessarily have to be hot, but his level of reasoning and the way he carry himself is hot....In older guy, I do idolise  Mahathir, Benicio Del Toro, or even Einstein perhaps....they are their own individual, they do not try so hard to be cool...they just have different ways to carry themselves....
In younger generation...of course I would be interested in guys who act matured and composed in their manner...they don't easily get provoked and instead of becoming the center of the limelight....they choose to avoid it...not so much out of shyness or the fact that they are socially awkward but because they just don't like the attention given to them...Some people, do emits the aura that attracts people towards them...and those guys who practically aware about it but don't really bother about his own attractiveness is always the coolest.
But...there is a fine line between a crush and actually having a relationship with someone...crush is just a crush...I'm the type of girl who put the plus minus of everything before proceeding to the next level...the hardest part is always about whether the crush is one sided or two sided.....before having a firm stand about this....the crush will remain a crush forever....and sometimes by having a crush instead of a real relationship, we tend to idolise them more that way...because we don't know them much...we just idolise or like the image of him...this image might be superficial, but since it's just a crush...so it doesn't matter much....
So on the way home, i spoke to one of my coursemates that of course i do have a crush on a particular male coursemate of ours...but later...considering all factors...it is better for the crush to remain a crush....but I think, from my own view...since the first time i saw him...I think he's cool....and yeah...i admire him for that...and that's it....
By the way, i don't often talk about my crush even to my friends...because of the uncertaintiness of the situation or they might think I have gone crazy if I actually dare said "I do like him.." So coming clean about that to one of my coursemate...and now thinking about it again...I slap my forehead....and ask myself "why did you say that?" i feel so ashame right now.....

political reform...is that what we really need?

While waiting for the friday prayer to be over...I decided to check my fb...Today we have a discussion about leadership and policy in Malaysia...then I found in my news feed, a friend posted about  Soros's retaliation towards Mahathir saying he's the second most corrupted leader in the world,but for me how can you believe the word of a vindictive person without even analysing things thoroughly....there's no angel vs devil in nation building...Soros affiliation with IMF...manipulation of the exchange rate...the original sin, the rising of the tiger power...the foul play involved in Thailand economic trade that domino affected the rest of the asia, the panic, the ominous rumors that lead to Asia economic downfall....the reducing effect of Russia's import influence..the increase of interest rate promoted by Anwar ensuring that the country would reach the bottom at the fastest speed...things were already shitty back then...instead of focusing who caused the shit....the priority was given to mend the shit...anwar is incompetent when it comes to economy...that's the fact...he might be a nice person, possess a great persona...liked by other people...but Mahathir's way is what makes Malaysia achieve everything it has today...there's no point dwelling in the past...Mahathir is no longer on the throne....what matters is NOW...do we have the capacity to move forward as one nation? My coursemate actually said this in the class..."you have one shit and on the other hand you have another shit, it's just a matter of who will derail the country faster"....we still struggle to find balance in economy, racial issues and religious matter....but both parties doesn't even show a single sign of promoting the integration and equality...disparity still happen even in the opposition territories....opposition shows the superficial unity when everybody knows it's a bag full of shit....and the government's elitism practices contributed to the loss of trust among the citizen...it will not be a shocker that in the future...there will be another 13th May in Malaysia...there will be coup d'etat by the military...especially when the common people now that are so full of self entitlement....that thinking they are better educated now to voice out the opinion and criticizing things....they have a right as a citizen to earn all the benefit without even contributing much to the development of nation...thinking that by paying the tax and the freedom to vote gives them power to get away with whatever they want....Keneddy once said "asked not what the country can give you, but what can you give towards the country" the leader is the mirror image of the citizen....hasn't it even occurred to our mind that the reason we have such shitty leaders on both sides...because we as citizens....are shitty too...we are all talk....but we can't even walk the talk...we want freedom...but we never utilize what's given to us for something positive...we whine every time a new policy is implemented....and hope things will change just by whining, and the fairy will come and change them overnight...the corruption comes from within...don't be too ambitious about changing the country..just concentrate on changing yourself by being a better person, who follow the rules, who instead of receiving always contributing towards the society...one of my Japanese friend used to say "the politics is never good in Japan...there's always something wrong somewhere...but the loyalty and the fact that every citizen play their part wholeheartedly is what makes the nation stronger"...I think it's time to the citizen itself to think what really matters...the change of the political leader/party...or the reformation of the shrewed mentality that we posses....?