A recent friend of mine asked me what do I look like before....coz she only sees the chubby side of me....well...since the operation...i keep gaining more and more weight...let's not talk about self confidence coz I have non....i don't even smile like I did back then...i don't even like camwhoring anymore....
While browsing through my pictures collection....I stumble upon this picture
I look so happy back then, I was a believer.....but push aside he who i would rather not mention....sometimes I keep asking, would I be able to get that genuine smile again.....I've been avoiding this topic...for quite some times now....deep inside although i try to forgive...i still blame him....but then again...it's not his fault....but the way he just walk away when I'm at my lowest...until now, although I try to be strong..try not to feel hurt...try to move on with my own life like nothing ever happened..I feel really hurt...
I know I'm not perfect....admitting that, live with that....but until now....I still can't feel secured to just be with people...the paranoia of being abandoned, or shoved to the ground like dirt....it's hard for me to swallow...I used to be so cheerful and so full of life...
An old friend of mine who previously suffer from a heartbreak, said to me, it has been 2 years...I should just get back in the game..according to her..2 years are too long to be dormant...but look at me now...just tell me honestly that you don't see any deterioration with my physical, with my emotion....you want me to go out there...with the current me....sorry..not gonna happen...coz I'm not happy....i still hurt and i refuse to be hurt again....to be made fun of...I'm not optimistic about life like I used to back then.....not so cheeky like i used to back then
I really miss my old time when I look so genuinely happy with everything, I got friends i could hang out with.....i got friends i could be silly with....now being silly is a privileged at our age...sighh.....i just miss the past where the world seems to be within my reach and I see rainbows every where.......at least back then, i feel good about myself.....now I seem to hate everything...hahaha.....
I just hope there will come a day that I'm able to smile like i used to back then and be happy....with my life, my friends and with every one around me......
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