Embracing the screw up....

The perks of being a wallflower brings back memories of my crazy moment of adolescence...when there's always a moment I just wish I could die and disappear...the remorse and the guilty feeling you have for having someone you really actually care about gone and no matter how loud you shout and no matter how hard you beg for God to make things right this time...your loved one will never come back..The phrase "We all accept love that we think we deserve.." is what has been playing in my mind and becoming the reason why I'm such a screw up when it comes to relationship..
I just feel guilty to live..from that day onwards, keep on thinking my pain and broken heart is the only way I could atone my sin...to love is to feel pain for the pain I inflicted unto others..and after 9 years, I guess I would never get over the things that screwed me up...I just love with the expectation I would be hurt in the end and I deserve it...addicted to it...until I couldn't take it and I just stop...I'm really tired that I shoved everything aside and live life try not to think about it anymore...i just waiting for my day to disappear...
Like when some of my friends told me, if the person you are destined to be with is dead...that's the reason why you can't find someone whom you truly love or truly love you but fret not, if you are not attach to anyone, when you die, you might get to meet him in the afterlife...and I think I reach to that level of screw up because after several people said about the same thing...I guess believing it wouldn't be so crazy..rather to think that I'm cursed...
I'm not that super psycho with multiple complex kid back then...but like other people I do have layers...some lies to cover things up...some wishful thinking that I could turn around and just erase the past, live life and enjoy it...do some crazy stuffs...some not so innocent stuff...exploring the possibility...living so as my life not to be wasted...doing something meaningful...despite all odds...despite all people perception...
I wasn't a brat...I wasn't a spoiled kid...but that thing....it hits me..I lost someone I care enough to trade my life with..and then I lost another friend...It gave me a creep...it turned my life around..such rebelliousness is not worth death..such brazen act can't help you escape it...I realize for every action, there is a consequence..people could get hurt...life could be lost...I was suicidal that I was hysterical...
My mom would scold me when I started to act like a loony...sitting at the corner in the dark...my mom would say...so now do you really want to be friend with the devil? Well, my mom is not the type who pat your back or hug your shoulders...although she knew what was going on and aware of me wailing from time to time...she didn't show it...and she partially blame herself for not being a good role model for us..blaming herself when her kids didn't show the quality of other parents' normal children do...
My brother said, we get hurt too early in life...and when we do love...we love too young and we are not ready that it leaves an impact so great...that every time a new relationship occur, we have an expectation it would be temporary...we live in fear that we start counting days for to it be over...and then we do something crazy...we are the broken glasses that's been glued all over, again and again, that no matter how much promise were made...we no longer have the courage to believe...
My brother said, some people are better off alone. And thanks to our parents...we are so good in that department...everyone in my family, no matter how close we are to each other...deep inside...we all know...we couldn't live with other people...or each other...we just barely living and tolerating...we love each other the most when we are far away from each other...
Thanks to my screw up friends and my screw up siblings...they make me feel less crazy...they make me feel that I could survive another day and the next...we have this unspoken rules about never bringing it up...never talk about it...just swallow your guilt and cut some wrist or starve yourself to the point of anorexic, yet still hang out...playing with each others hair...talking about stuff at school, a new job, a new car, the new video game released...but never ever said anything about the day we often wrong...the day the mistake were made and couldn't be undo..and although some smart asses would try to cross the line and joke about it...we looked the other way and move on and secretly feeling relief....because as time goes by, we separated and getting farther...we finally feel that we can breath...we can laugh without searching into each others eyes the sign of insanity...we can look to other people straight and not giving away anything...and we can be ourselves...