aku dlm phase post-operation...utk sampai ke stage operation neh....sakit aku menanggung tiap2 bulan...xbley nk cerita...cume org yg pernah rasa je yang tahu....aku dah setahun lebih duk di johor...n dah 2 kali undergo operation....call it bad luck or whatever.....i dun know why....
1 st operation, appendix pecah...well time tuh mmg rase nk putus nyawa dah...only god knows....luckily time raya...n aku dkt umah family....so sebab cepat bertindak aku masih bernafas....if aku kt batu pahat...huhu...aku dh innalillah kot....coz aku duk sorg kt sane....but that is my 1st experience being immobilize n incapacitate.....it's hurt...but time heals everything....later...tetibe badan aku naik mendadak...my back start to ache...i thought it is due to my weight...n my abdoment hurt real bad especially during pre-while- post menstruation...n my cycle isn't normal...n i can't move due to the acute pain...n my only friend is "painkiller"....n guess wut....another operation incoming...bcoz of 2 things...my cysts are getting bigger they affected my reproductive system...n the appendicextomy scar sticks like glue to my bowel n abdomen wall..thus reducing my metabolism..here lay the answer of my hormone imbalance n why i'm getting fat though how much i exercise n the reason i feel pain every time i do the sit up........so i hv 2 go through another operation to remove the cysts n freed my bowel from the scar tissues...n it get me thinking.....
when i was happy back then...i was free from ailment.....but now, when everything goes haywire, my health also decreasing...i realize...i'm not happy...no matter how much i try...i'm still not happy....i want to be somewhere else that can make me happy...
No offense to anybody...tp aku sgt rase terseksa n trapt....fitting in the social circle that is not my social circle...macam balik ke zaman aku kt mrsm (except aku ade kwn kt sana)....aku risau lebih lama aku duduk di johor n xhepi....mcm2 ag penyakit yg aku dpt...
it's not funny if my stomach have to be cut every year...it's hurt....n though how much i think lightly or make fun about it....deep inside....it's my goddamn stomach....n i'm so freaking uncomfortable to get through this....
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My resolution for new year....
hahaha...aku neh beriye2 berazam tapi jadiknye xtaw ag....tapi aku benar2 bertekad utk jadi seseorang yang aku suka....oleh kerana beberapa faktor yang aku xbley kontrol...aku jadi gemok...kerana gemok...aku malas nak carik pakwe baru (n aku mmg ade suspicion yg kuat bahaw exbf aku curang pasal aku dah gemuk)....n aku xhappy kat tempat aku kerja sekarang (yep, aku tipu diri sendri je cakap yg everything is alright...) but what choice do I have????org lain bley gune reason nak ikut laki utk pindah balik kl...aku jgnkan laki...bf pun xdak....sob sob...(mode drama queen balik)....
sepanjang tahun 2010...aku xhappy...aku jeles dgn ramai org...aku jeles dgn A sebab die dpt sambung belajar sampai PHD, aku jeles dgn B coz badan die makin kering n bley pakai baju lawa2 utk ngorat ramai anak ikan, aku jeles dgn C wlaupun die xlawa tp dpt pakwe hot,aku jeles dgn D coz die gemuk macam aku tp ade pakwe juge....hahaha...tgk aku punye hasad dengki...tp aku setakat jeles je la...xde la sampai nak jumpe bomoh main santau2 org or doakan yg xbaik utk org lain...waras ag beb...tp kerana masalah kejelesan aku yg agak ketara aku jd seorg yg give up...aku malas nak buat sesuatu dgn bersungguh2...coz aku dah bermentaliti "eleh kalau aku buat pun...bukannye dapat ape...." n aku bertambah2 xhepi...
bukan xde org ngorat aku...tp aku maleh nak frust menonggeng agi...pastu dgr ayat rewind2 berulang kali....aku dh bley hafal skrip kaum yg ag satu tuh...sampai aku nak muntah....dari yg kategori anak ikan, bapak org, datuk orang....same je skrip die....aku xhampe...cume sudah bosan.....
Aku nak sangat happy mcm dulu...aku nak jalan2 sane sini, aku nak jadi aktif balik....bley watpe yg aku suke...klu kat tempat yg aku duduk skang, aku betul2 mati kutu...
Aku xmahu dianggap xbersyukur...tapi aku sgt bosan hidup macam ini...hari2 kena jalan menjengket mcm pijak bara...aku keluar g kedai pun org pandang2....everything I do bley jd bahan yg makan diri aku balik...yep aku ade kawan...aku ade izzah n hana h aishah..but people who knows me tahu aku org yg macam mana...aku sgt suke buat hal aku sendri...aku suke merayau2 jln kt shopping mall whenever aku nak, lepak baca kat borders berjam2 tanpa org kisah, main game kt starbuck sesuke hati aku sambil minum lemon shaken tea....tengok wyg cerite yg aku suke 3 movies in a row....g seven eleven tgh malam buta nak carik slurpee...makan kat gerai yg best tanpa org pandang2 mcm jakun gile....n start gosipping...anak dara mana makan sorg2 tgh2 malam nih...so shitty man....
aku xde kebebasan utk makan, utk tgk wyg, utk shopping or utk bace buku yg aku suke kat sini....nak jogging apetah lagi....aku ngeri dgn mata2 jantan gatal yg memandang...aku saiko bile bangla sebelah rumah aku mengorat aku...or pekerja kedai makan mintak no telefon aku....n ase pathetic...aku ase sedih.....n aku ase low gile.....
Perkara2 di atas turut menyumbang kepada masalah kegemukan aku...doc said...cyst + hormon xseimbang + stress + asik tido = kegemukkan mendadak....damn....aku xmkn byk pun....still aku gemok bcoz of external factor....
n bile tunang best friend aku yg lack sense of humor make fun of my extra weight....wtf...aku sumpah tunang ko gemuk balik...hohoho..jahatnye aku..lucky him....he's so lucky dat he is my friend's fiance...klu x...sudah lama kena makan penyepak...
same goes to other people....esp my mom...everytime i eat something...die kata...badan ko dah naik...sedangkan aku baru je nak menyuap makanan.....then xpyh la masak...so aku xpyh makan....why masak if pastu bising2...i eat what you cook...not like i eat some extra food excessively......if there's nothing 4 me to eat....I won't eat...that's me...I'm not some glutton that eat everything in front of me....
Throughout the year, aku xhappy....n aku nk buat diri aku happy 4 next year...I'm gonna start exercising...walaupun aku tahu fee gym kat batu pahat absurd gile punye mahal kalah fitness first...but I want to get in shape again..I realise...if i can undergo so many big things in my life....getting back in shape won't be as painful as what i was going through.....
I want to be myself again...the petite me...the rotten me....the bitchy me...I want to learn to say No, to do things for myself n never bother about what will other people say...I want to be able to look in the mirror n not hating myself....that's enough for me....i hope i can make it achievable....
sepanjang tahun 2010...aku xhappy...aku jeles dgn ramai org...aku jeles dgn A sebab die dpt sambung belajar sampai PHD, aku jeles dgn B coz badan die makin kering n bley pakai baju lawa2 utk ngorat ramai anak ikan, aku jeles dgn C wlaupun die xlawa tp dpt pakwe hot,aku jeles dgn D coz die gemuk macam aku tp ade pakwe juge....hahaha...tgk aku punye hasad dengki...tp aku setakat jeles je la...xde la sampai nak jumpe bomoh main santau2 org or doakan yg xbaik utk org lain...waras ag beb...tp kerana masalah kejelesan aku yg agak ketara aku jd seorg yg give up...aku malas nak buat sesuatu dgn bersungguh2...coz aku dah bermentaliti "eleh kalau aku buat pun...bukannye dapat ape...." n aku bertambah2 xhepi...
bukan xde org ngorat aku...tp aku maleh nak frust menonggeng agi...pastu dgr ayat rewind2 berulang kali....aku dh bley hafal skrip kaum yg ag satu tuh...sampai aku nak muntah....dari yg kategori anak ikan, bapak org, datuk orang....same je skrip die....aku xhampe...cume sudah bosan.....
Aku nak sangat happy mcm dulu...aku nak jalan2 sane sini, aku nak jadi aktif balik....bley watpe yg aku suke...klu kat tempat yg aku duduk skang, aku betul2 mati kutu...
Aku xmahu dianggap xbersyukur...tapi aku sgt bosan hidup macam ini...hari2 kena jalan menjengket mcm pijak bara...aku keluar g kedai pun org pandang2....everything I do bley jd bahan yg makan diri aku balik...yep aku ade kawan...aku ade izzah n hana h aishah..but people who knows me tahu aku org yg macam mana...aku sgt suke buat hal aku sendri...aku suke merayau2 jln kt shopping mall whenever aku nak, lepak baca kat borders berjam2 tanpa org kisah, main game kt starbuck sesuke hati aku sambil minum lemon shaken tea....tengok wyg cerite yg aku suke 3 movies in a row....g seven eleven tgh malam buta nak carik slurpee...makan kat gerai yg best tanpa org pandang2 mcm jakun gile....n start gosipping...anak dara mana makan sorg2 tgh2 malam nih...so shitty man....
aku xde kebebasan utk makan, utk tgk wyg, utk shopping or utk bace buku yg aku suke kat sini....nak jogging apetah lagi....aku ngeri dgn mata2 jantan gatal yg memandang...aku saiko bile bangla sebelah rumah aku mengorat aku...or pekerja kedai makan mintak no telefon aku....n ase pathetic...aku ase sedih.....n aku ase low gile.....
Perkara2 di atas turut menyumbang kepada masalah kegemukan aku...doc said...cyst + hormon xseimbang + stress + asik tido = kegemukkan mendadak....damn....aku xmkn byk pun....still aku gemok bcoz of external factor....
n bile tunang best friend aku yg lack sense of humor make fun of my extra weight....wtf...aku sumpah tunang ko gemuk balik...hohoho..jahatnye aku..lucky him....he's so lucky dat he is my friend's fiance...klu x...sudah lama kena makan penyepak...
same goes to other people....esp my mom...everytime i eat something...die kata...badan ko dah naik...sedangkan aku baru je nak menyuap makanan.....then xpyh la masak...so aku xpyh makan....why masak if pastu bising2...i eat what you cook...not like i eat some extra food excessively......if there's nothing 4 me to eat....I won't eat...that's me...I'm not some glutton that eat everything in front of me....
Throughout the year, aku xhappy....n aku nk buat diri aku happy 4 next year...I'm gonna start exercising...walaupun aku tahu fee gym kat batu pahat absurd gile punye mahal kalah fitness first...but I want to get in shape again..I realise...if i can undergo so many big things in my life....getting back in shape won't be as painful as what i was going through.....
I want to be myself again...the petite me...the rotten me....the bitchy me...I want to learn to say No, to do things for myself n never bother about what will other people say...I want to be able to look in the mirror n not hating myself....that's enough for me....i hope i can make it achievable....
Sunday, December 5, 2010
aku melalak lagi....
tadi tetibe jari jemari gatal menaip nama si dia di google...aku jarang melakukan aktiviti xberfaedah ini sebenarnye...tapi oleh kerana aku dlm misi menyiasat identiti dan background sorg mamat pilot aku aku kenali secara xsengaja..aku pun berkata pada diri sendiri...sambil menyelam usya lah kaki awek2....
rupe2nye si A telah membuat satu blog....dan die macam hepi je...xde pule menyebut tentang awek baru or awek lama...kire chick free la...but yg buat aku sendu tahap cipan beranak tu...bile tgk pics2 yg diupload semuanye pics yg aku tangkap dgn kamera aku...cheapskate btol....huwa huwa huwa...aku xtaula die xde kamera canggih or bukan stock camwhore...walaupun dulu encik A suke camwhore dgn aku....but aku ase sgt xadil gile...coz die simpan pics2 die yg aku amek...chisss....ko putuskan hubungan dgn aku selambe cheeseburger...tp pics2 yg aku amik, ko simpan...sob sob sob....hamba rase sungguh hampeh dan bermuram durja kala ini....confirm aku bungkus diri dalam TOTO dan meraung ag.....cheesecake betul la diri aku sendri nih...tu la...gatal tgn lagi...omputih kan dah cakap...ignorant is bliss...yg ko xphm2 bahasa lg tu pehal....padan muke aku...
rupe2nye si A telah membuat satu blog....dan die macam hepi je...xde pule menyebut tentang awek baru or awek lama...kire chick free la...but yg buat aku sendu tahap cipan beranak tu...bile tgk pics2 yg diupload semuanye pics yg aku tangkap dgn kamera aku...cheapskate btol....huwa huwa huwa...aku xtaula die xde kamera canggih or bukan stock camwhore...walaupun dulu encik A suke camwhore dgn aku....but aku ase sgt xadil gile...coz die simpan pics2 die yg aku amek...chisss....ko putuskan hubungan dgn aku selambe cheeseburger...tp pics2 yg aku amik, ko simpan...sob sob sob....hamba rase sungguh hampeh dan bermuram durja kala ini....confirm aku bungkus diri dalam TOTO dan meraung ag.....cheesecake betul la diri aku sendri nih...tu la...gatal tgn lagi...omputih kan dah cakap...ignorant is bliss...yg ko xphm2 bahasa lg tu pehal....padan muke aku...
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