The gray area in relationship...(the ugly side of me)

kadang2 rasa frustrated bila orang asik mempertikaikan hubungan aku dengan mana-mana orang....why does things have to be black and white?...kenapa aku xbley backing orang yg aku xsuka? kenapa aku xbley kawan dgn lelaki yg ade awek? kenapa aku mesti buat baik dgn kawan aku sepanjang masa? hahahahaha.....
Aku suka buat prank.....itu satu perangai yg memang xbley nk buang......so kadang2 prank aku sgt jahat dan nmpk seperti aku melakukan pembulian....so sorry ida n aesha....korang adalah mangsa tegar aku......walaupun aku suka diorg...tp part diorg yg annoying tu mmg jd element penting untuk aku bahan diorg.....but it's part n parcel in friendship.....klu xde ejek2 mmg xsah la....contohnye aishah dgn izzah suka bertekak depan public....hahaha....n people say it's childish....but that's friendship....plus hanna and jahwati dgn ayat2 makan dalam tahap super saiya yg aku sendri xbley achieve level nye.....i should be offended n despise them for lashing me right in front of my face.....but they are being themselves...n everybody knows what they say is the ugly truth....n i miss ayat makan dalam jahwati so much now...coz she's like my other tongue....n aku rindu ida coz i'm so freaking miss hugging her.....n i miss it when she plays with my hair....n my hair is my kryptonite.....not all people can touch it..... I only allow three of my acquaintances to touch my hair....(my exes doesn't count in this equation)....2 of them are male...and Ida.....if you get to touch my hair...that means i grow fond of you n i will act like a child in front of you.....there are three persons that no matter how hard i try to be adult in front of them...it won't work.....i switch to being a kid.....n for those two male acquaintances.....i love them as much as i love my big brother if I ever have one....mcm cerita animation disney brother bear...itulah feeling aku kat diorg....n for ida...seriously aku jeles n menyampah dgn laki die...coz aku rase die mcm merampas ida dari aku....hahahahaha.....sort of like siblings rivalry nk attention dari mak......
n aku suka mamas sebab aku suka die....sometimes dia delusional...but aku pun same gak.....n shikin n fatiha n shida.....so what klu pernah bergaduh n back stab each other...at least aku pernah suka diorg n aku masih suka diorg....aku suka fatiha buat lawak sadis, aku suka kacau shida...aku suka bila shikin bukak cerita gosip....sungguh resourceful...until aku kena batang hidung sendri...but that's friendship rite...klu elok je all the time.....you must be faking it.....totally faking it......
N salahke kalau aku kawan dgn budak lelaki....aku anggap kawan lelaki aku mcm adik beradik sendri...aku xpernah fikir buruk pasal mereka...tp bila mereka sudah ada awek....aku pulak rasa tension bila awek mereka fikir yg bukan2....n i wonder...kalau aku mahu sgt dgn bf kamu....aku sudah ngorat dari dulu bah....before u get into the picture...n why so serious?????? aku xmahu dia....sebab itu aku kawan saja sama dia....if I really ade hati sama mereka...i would tell them straight on the face...jom couple....aku xmain la mende2 bullshit seperti teman tp mesra neh.....or mengacau bf orang coz aku syok kt mereka.....xkuasa...xde kellasssss la klu aku wat gitu....klu betul aku syok kt milik org lain...dgn segala hormat dan penuh jati diri nye aku blah dari muka mamat tu....x sudi ok.....ego aku lebih tinggi....
damn....aku bukan player pun...out of five relationships...2 kali aku kena dump, sekali pakwe aku curang...so do the math...either aku memang xbest...or aku mmg awek yg hampeh....so issue aku flirt dgn lelaki2 mcm mustahil kedengaran......i'm not some freaking mindless bimbo who would go out just with anybody.......I'm a snob....I'm hateful.....boys avoid me...n it suits me just fine...
Coz aku sgt jahat dgn lelaki yg aku xminat...ko sms aku...aku delete...ko pm aku kt ym, aku remove.....ko nk chat dgn aku kt fb....aku offline kan diri aku....ko call....jgn harap aku angkat....n i won't even bother to comment your status on fb.....or klu ko jumpe aku dpn2 pun aku akan cakap aku busy...so xde mase nk borak....n plus klu ko seorg yg poyo gile babi n ade masalah inferiority complex..n bercakap tentang bende2 emo dgn aku..i will tell you straight on the face "ye...aku x suke ko sebab ko xbest, xensem,xkaye, n xde degree, xde master, xde phd, xde kereta, gaji kecik.....i could go on forever...so don't ever try to patronize me with your silly defensive acts....
but.....sebab aku buat bende2 macam nih la....memjadikan aku lebih yakin yg aku xkan gatal2 nk ngorat budak lelaki...hohoho....even though aku mungkin ade crush dekat dia......but i don't dare to try....biasela...buat baik di balas baik, buat jahat di balas jahat....bt one thing for sure....i won't fake things to make you feel better.....so hate me...despise me....mak ok jer....
n aku paling xsuka bile org kate kt aku "ko bukan xsuke ke minah tu...nape ko backing die pulak?"...perlukah aku meletakkan emosi pada benda yg xde kene mengena dgn emosi......ia seperti menyuruh aku jgn kesiankan nora danish yg diceraikan sewaktu tgh mengandung...whatever personal feud aku ada dgn seseorg tu...xbermaksud aku akan menghentam dia dari semua sudut...sedangkan kawan aku sendri kadang2 tikam au dari belakang...so my enemy would do otherwise...they are not that bad all the time...walaupun aku menyampah dgn cik M tentang pembawaan karakter berlagak mangsa dia...but I have to respect the fact...die  xdela kurang ajar sgt dgn aku pun....or bila org kutuk another miss M about things yg outrageous...aku pun rage jugak....coz i don't think she should be treated that way....especially the remarks comes from someone yg lebih kurang je dgn die....sgt tak tgk muka kt cermin ok.....
That's why aku rasa dlm relationship banyak gray area...relationship xde kena mengena dgn lelaki atau perempuan, betul atau salah, kawan atau lawan.....it consists of everything.... not just this and that....