Ini semua Poyo....

Rase nk lempang je status angkuh seorg rakan yg mengatakan duit BR1M rm500 tu, beli susu anak dia sebulan pun xlepas apetah lagi utk beli brg runcit setahun....mungkin dia pun bermasalah so xbley breast feed or bg anak minum susu murah...tp perlu ke memperlekeh kan duit BR1M sampai macam tu sekali? Teringat aku pada murid2 aku yg betul2 susah di kampung...rm500 bg mak bapak diorg amat besar...duit itu cukup beli beras setahun....kot ye pun ko nak menghina kerajaan or nak menghina PM...tp ayat tu sila jaga...setiap cikgu kat sekolah tahu berapa banyak zakat, bantuan baitulmal, bantuan JKM dan bantuan ihsan kerajaan, RMT, program susu dan vitamin yang diperuntukkan untuk pelajar-pelajar..seburuk2 kerajaan yg korang kutuk ni skang bagi pendidikan  percuma utk primary education dgn secondary education. Kerajaan memang xperfect, corrupt.....tp xde semua yg diorg buat korang boleh perlekehkan...cuba jadi manusia yang ada otak yang boleh membezakan ideologi politik dengan kehidupan sebenar..kalau kau tak mampu membantu...jgn kritik apa yg orang lain buat...at least aku main peranan untuk bentuk generasi masa depan jadi orang berguna...kau buat apa...menghentam mengutuk kerajaan...tapi ape sumbangan ko kepada negara ko...ooopsss....aku lupe...ko byr income tax.....puihhhh....tokey casino Genting yg byr  million2 income tax pun xbising macam ko....
and lagi satu...pergh...sedap ayat minah ni...kata rm10 xbley beli apa kt Malaysia...tp klu 10 sing Dollar, byk bley beli....terguling aku jap....ko try beli air mineral kt Singapore dgn 10 Sing Dollar tu...tgk berapa botol ko bley beli....lecturer aku kata..."when talking about how Malaysia wants to stop the water supply to Singapore....I sense the real terror in their eyes..." coz rakan2 sekalian, the water at the moment we speak now is damn expensive there..ko try g beli murtabak singapore dekat restoran zam zam dgn duit 10 sing Dollar tu...dapat x?..aku beli murtabak ayam Malaysia paling mahal kat Restoran Q Bistro pun baru rm6.00++...do the math la sis...  unless klu ko convert duit 10 sing Dollar tu ke rm or rupiah....bley la beli kain batik dua pasang kt Tanjung Balai....
Kalau Malaysia nak naikkan value rm....boleh je....tp dgn kos sedia ada sekarang ni...ko mampu? flat HDB skang pun arge nak dekat 2 juta....klu xkawin xbley beli rumah....kene tunggu mak bapak mati...baru bley waris rumah....itu pun kena kawin dulu....don't always look at the greener side la....sampai ko lupa comfort yg ade kat tempat sendiri....
Sama juga, bila orang asik cakap....Malaysia ni dah xselamat...polis makan gaji buta....well polis memang sepatutnya jalankan tanggungjawab...tp HELLO....look at the mirror please....bile ko nampak org bergaduh tgh jalan....or kene rompak...kene ragut....berapa percentage yg akan tolong...bile ko tgk jiran ko bertengkar...terjerit pekik...berapa ramai yg pergi ketuk pintu rumah diorg....alih2...bila de bini ke, anak ke, or laki mati kena bunuh....keluar la jawapan cliche dari jiran tetangga "oh...kami memang selalu nampak kesan lebam pada mangsa, ibu mangsa memang selalu memukul mangsa, pasangan ini memang kerap bertengkar....bla bla bla...."tp coz bukan masalah ko...ko malas nak amik port kan....sedangkan nampak kucing kena sepak pun...ko buat dek....orang buta nk lintas jalan ko pandang lalu je....orang tua dlm LRT pun ko xbg tempat duduk....walaupun kes culik budak makin berleluasa...tp masih ramai mak bapak yg lambat ambil anak dari sekolah, tinggalkan anak dalam kereta, or biarkan anak pergi kedai sendiri....
quoted from my coursemate "I would like to have a peace of mind knowing that my sister is safe although she walks alone in the middle of the night...even at 2am in the morning........" seriously dude...where do you think you live? Bandar Seri Begawan where the population is 400000 people....name me one place that have 100% certainty that you will be safe to walk alone at the middle of the night.....none....the predator is always lurking....you are the one who has to make a change...what kind of parents or brother who will let their daughter or sister go out at the middle of the night alone...you want an urban life, where life goes on 24 hours...you want to have some fun going to the club at the wee hour...or lepaking at some mamak stall....but the spillover effect of this so called urbanization is the increase of crime, bro..like the other side of the coin..you cannot just have one side....you must have both....does stopping the overflow of the migrants help in eradicating crime...statistic shows...the person who likely to kill you is someone who close to you who have an intimate relationship with you....so start using your brain and be good...change yourself...be more caring...more nosy...if there is a girl crying at the middle of the mall...stop and ask her what's wrong...if someone crying for help....go immediately to help them...if you are so scared to go alone to pick your car at the parking lot...insist for the guard to accompany you there..."just be vigilant and alert....crime will always happen...but we can change the way we deal with it...
Aku tau macam mane rasa takut...rumah aku pernah kena pecah masuk...sekali di rumah sewa...sekali di rumah aku di Ampang ni sendiri, and aku pernah face to face jumpe orang yg attemp nk pecah masuk rumah aku mase aku duk PJ dulu...kereta aku pernah kena pecah.....aku pernah duduk rumah sorang2....so aku bukak TV sampai pagi utk buat rumah aku bising...sebab tak mau pencuri masuk...and masa aku bwk kereta aku pernah kena ikut dgn motor 2 kali....nasib baik aku perasan and xstraight balik rumah...aku berhenti dekat depan kedai makan yg byk org...baru la motor tu chow...walaupun xde kes yg melibatkan hidup dan mati...but I had my share of fear and paranoia...but I blame the criminal, orang yg pecah masuk rumah aku..orang yg pecah masuk kereta aku...orang yg ikut kereta aku....bukan blame polis sebab xjaga...rumah sewa aku dulu...polis round setiap malam...bile aku call polis...xsampai 5 minit diorg dh respond...so they do their job...but since xde org terbunuh kan...dan cuma kehilangan harta benda je...so diorg xde la amik port sgt...so klu korg rase ape polis buat xcukup bagus...pe kate ko join persatuan penduduk or JKKK tempat ko....and buat aktiviti rukun tentangga waktu malam...aku kat Batu Pahat dulu join ok....coz aku duk sorg...n aku pompuan....so aku ase dgn care n buat aku ase selamat....so xyah nak kate aku poyo or pandai cakap je....
So....ideal world is not an easy path....lagi2 kalau semua orang tahu cakap...tau kritik tapi xbuat apa2 utk perubahan....start from yourself...jadilah orang yg menyumbang walaupun sedikit...bukan hanya tau mengambil dan terus mengambil....aku sedar diri xperfect...dan orang yg baca post ni pun mesti rase....owah Amy sangat poyo...tp skang baru puas ati aku....hahahahaha...ahhh...sunggu poyo....

A good news...perhaps....

I got the email just now, I kind of expecting going to Milan for my internship.....but it seems like the wind try to bring be to Frankfurt..and beggars can't be choosers right.....I totally have no clue about German...I was so preoccupied with the enchanting Italy and the story of good fellas and wiseguys....the land of Pompei....Vienna riverbank, Da Vinci last supper, Vatican City...and the city of fashion itself....never ever considered about Germany at all...hopefully, things will turn out ok....I'm wondering....will Frankfurt be enchanting enough....hahaha...my knowledge on German is limited to Volkswagen and beer fest ....and the subway tube.....i would like to see myself survive there....

It just how it ends....

A friend describes me as someone with erratic behavior....although I might look easy to be read but nothing about me is predictable...therefore, every time I come out with surprises...for people, they knew it all along, and kinda expected that...it just like a paradox...that I'm so random and being random is what people expected from me...
A friend said, that by aging...it makes me lame, that I whine more, that I shun myself from people, that I find fault in everything and I choose to avoid awkward situation. She said, years back...I was so quick with my words, I speak my mind freely, I was so brazen and strong, and I'm not the one who speak one thing and do another...I always stick to my word....almost all the time...
But now, I faltered...I am scared. I felt the old me, withered. There used to be a time that I'm so crazy about gadgetry...especially when it comes to gaming consoles,  I'm apt at building my own custom PC...I knew a lot about techie stuff, but now I don't even know that there is a video format called Matroshka. And I make a fool of myself in front of a boy 6 years younger than me, all along I thought Matroshka is a page that provide the sub...and he's so kind to explain it to me. Deep inside, he must be laughing at my foolishness...
 I'm lost at fixing my laptop. Window 7 is such a bitch and my current laptop doesn't have a CD drive. What the fuck is with this SVChost.exe keep occupying my CPU usage....a cousin suggested I open my laptop and take a look at a motherboard to figure out if there any fried pieces...I did...and I'm not able to find anything wrong, or I'm just plain stupid...that I should just pay someone else to do this for me...
Well, I guess it just me overreacting....but the feeling I have is comparable to the primadona who owns the stage, but realize she getting old and replaceable....I've reached the point that suddenly, I'm not good at anything even what I'm supposed to be good at...and of course it annoys me..
It's not only skill related things that i'm not good at...lately, it spread to my social contact, my inability to express my feelings, my anger and my frustration the right way. If it's one sided communication like this,I can do it easy, looking at the white screen and just typing craps....i could go on forever. But facing people, and simply tell them what's been bothering me without getting really angry is a bitch too....so I just suppress myself and in the end getting even more angry.
It's all about the small stuffs that I thought not worth mentioning, not worth to be brought up, not worth to even put so much thought into it....but it's been bugging me bit by bit....and eat me inside...at first I told myself, do not be bothered so much, it's not my problem at the first place, it's not my territory to meddle with, and it doesn't concern me. But, I've reached the limit, and my time bomb is ticked to zero. I just blew up. I just don't want to give a fuck.
A friend I just knew told me, to stop judging. That it's not good to judge. Little did she knew, I'm way past judging. If it's about something people did, and their foolishness or even their way to find escapism, I would tolerate that....but not knowing your boundaries, showing a full chunk of hypocrisy..have no or little respect on other people just because they think they are above everybody.....that makes me snap.
Other friend said, "I'm impressed that it takes you this long to snap....I have given up long time a go....and the  only thing that keep me going is you"....and I ask her "Is that so obvious?"....she replied by saying "heck, it's obvious" I asked her "So yo don't think what I did now, is a form of betrayal...and me telling you this stuff is not badmouthing?" She said "It's not a news...we always knew..and we kinda hope, that you'll be the one who do the last blow"...hahahaha....how foolish I am....but I'm too weak to even do that now....
A friend who never actually dare to said something so harsh to me actually said "Lately, you have become pathetic, I expected more from the old you...why are you so weak? why are you so scared to just tell the truth..to finish things off" and I tell her "It's not my place to say anything, it's not even my job to keep things at bay....people have their own life and priority...." she asked "so you just enjoying the show until that somebody hit rock bottom...don't you feel hurt? coz at the moment we speak, it's not only you...it's about other people that's been hurt...." damn it...I hurt people too.....i hurt them in every way....but...the difference is, some people decides to stay....
A friend asks "If you really do the last blow, what will happen? since you are the last in line" sigh....I used to worry about it too....but then I realize ...it's not my problem....people change, people get new friends everyday....I'm not needed as much as I used to....considering all factors....it just the perfect time to back off...now that I only think for myself....i can stop judging, I can stop messing my head about things non related to me...It's not like a have a responsibility to stay anyway.....there are things that I regret, there are things that I don't...I don't regret the friendship....I regret it takes longer for me to make up my mind...
A friend asks "So, What's next?"
Who knows....i haven't put much thought into it anyway....back then, there's always somebody who would entertain me about this issue, fueling the burning fire in me...there's always incident behind my back, in front of me, that added to the wound...it accumulating and it reach to the point...I don't want to care anymore, i stop giving excuses anymore...it's never my problem to start with...I've reached to the point that even if things go the way I expected it to be...the phrase "I told you so..." hold no meaning anymore......It just the way things are......it's nobody's fault....it just how things end.....
Now I'm gonna spend more time with people who really appreciate me for being there, who accept my foolishness, my weaknesses, who wouldn't be ashamed of me, who would still think I'm cool despite the fact that I'm changing into Miss Scrooge....who said "I miss you" to me.....and really mean it....I just hope, the karma won't get to me....although each day I wake up....I knew deep in my heart it will get to me sooner or later....but I've learnt my lesson....and I have to move on....face my own karma and deal with it.....
The moral of this story is....every time, you start to judge...look at yourself in the mirror, every time you try to want to read people and understand them, try to look at the mirror and read your own self first...every time you start thinking that you know better, just look at the mirror and ask yourself "do you even know who you are?".......