It just how it ends....

A friend describes me as someone with erratic behavior....although I might look easy to be read but nothing about me is predictable...therefore, every time I come out with surprises...for people, they knew it all along, and kinda expected that...it just like a paradox...that I'm so random and being random is what people expected from me...
A friend said, that by aging...it makes me lame, that I whine more, that I shun myself from people, that I find fault in everything and I choose to avoid awkward situation. She said, years back...I was so quick with my words, I speak my mind freely, I was so brazen and strong, and I'm not the one who speak one thing and do another...I always stick to my word....almost all the time...
But now, I faltered...I am scared. I felt the old me, withered. There used to be a time that I'm so crazy about gadgetry...especially when it comes to gaming consoles,  I'm apt at building my own custom PC...I knew a lot about techie stuff, but now I don't even know that there is a video format called Matroshka. And I make a fool of myself in front of a boy 6 years younger than me, all along I thought Matroshka is a page that provide the sub...and he's so kind to explain it to me. Deep inside, he must be laughing at my foolishness...
 I'm lost at fixing my laptop. Window 7 is such a bitch and my current laptop doesn't have a CD drive. What the fuck is with this SVChost.exe keep occupying my CPU usage....a cousin suggested I open my laptop and take a look at a motherboard to figure out if there any fried pieces...I did...and I'm not able to find anything wrong, or I'm just plain stupid...that I should just pay someone else to do this for me...
Well, I guess it just me overreacting....but the feeling I have is comparable to the primadona who owns the stage, but realize she getting old and replaceable....I've reached the point that suddenly, I'm not good at anything even what I'm supposed to be good at...and of course it annoys me..
It's not only skill related things that i'm not good at...lately, it spread to my social contact, my inability to express my feelings, my anger and my frustration the right way. If it's one sided communication like this,I can do it easy, looking at the white screen and just typing craps....i could go on forever. But facing people, and simply tell them what's been bothering me without getting really angry is a bitch too....so I just suppress myself and in the end getting even more angry.
It's all about the small stuffs that I thought not worth mentioning, not worth to be brought up, not worth to even put so much thought into it....but it's been bugging me bit by bit....and eat me inside...at first I told myself, do not be bothered so much, it's not my problem at the first place, it's not my territory to meddle with, and it doesn't concern me. But, I've reached the limit, and my time bomb is ticked to zero. I just blew up. I just don't want to give a fuck.
A friend I just knew told me, to stop judging. That it's not good to judge. Little did she knew, I'm way past judging. If it's about something people did, and their foolishness or even their way to find escapism, I would tolerate that....but not knowing your boundaries, showing a full chunk of hypocrisy..have no or little respect on other people just because they think they are above everybody.....that makes me snap.
Other friend said, "I'm impressed that it takes you this long to snap....I have given up long time a go....and the  only thing that keep me going is you"....and I ask her "Is that so obvious?"....she replied by saying "heck, it's obvious" I asked her "So yo don't think what I did now, is a form of betrayal...and me telling you this stuff is not badmouthing?" She said "It's not a news...we always knew..and we kinda hope, that you'll be the one who do the last blow"...hahahaha....how foolish I am....but I'm too weak to even do that now....
A friend who never actually dare to said something so harsh to me actually said "Lately, you have become pathetic, I expected more from the old you...why are you so weak? why are you so scared to just tell the truth..to finish things off" and I tell her "It's not my place to say anything, it's not even my job to keep things at bay....people have their own life and priority...." she asked "so you just enjoying the show until that somebody hit rock bottom...don't you feel hurt? coz at the moment we speak, it's not only you...it's about other people that's been hurt...." damn it...I hurt people too.....i hurt them in every way....but...the difference is, some people decides to stay....
A friend asks "If you really do the last blow, what will happen? since you are the last in line" sigh....I used to worry about it too....but then I realize ...it's not my problem....people change, people get new friends everyday....I'm not needed as much as I used to....considering all factors....it just the perfect time to back off...now that I only think for myself....i can stop judging, I can stop messing my head about things non related to me...It's not like a have a responsibility to stay anyway.....there are things that I regret, there are things that I don't...I don't regret the friendship....I regret it takes longer for me to make up my mind...
A friend asks "So, What's next?"
Who knows....i haven't put much thought into it anyway....back then, there's always somebody who would entertain me about this issue, fueling the burning fire in me...there's always incident behind my back, in front of me, that added to the wound...it accumulating and it reach to the point...I don't want to care anymore, i stop giving excuses anymore...it's never my problem to start with...I've reached to the point that even if things go the way I expected it to be...the phrase "I told you so..." hold no meaning anymore......It just the way things are......it's nobody's fault....it just how things end.....
Now I'm gonna spend more time with people who really appreciate me for being there, who accept my foolishness, my weaknesses, who wouldn't be ashamed of me, who would still think I'm cool despite the fact that I'm changing into Miss Scrooge....who said "I miss you" to me.....and really mean it....I just hope, the karma won't get to me....although each day I wake up....I knew deep in my heart it will get to me sooner or later....but I've learnt my lesson....and I have to move on....face my own karma and deal with it.....
The moral of this story is....every time, you start to judge...look at yourself in the mirror, every time you try to want to read people and understand them, try to look at the mirror and read your own self first...every time you start thinking that you know better, just look at the mirror and ask yourself "do you even know who you are?".......