I miss my TESL buddies...

This morning we had the discussion related to ethnicity in Malaysia and how the disunity among the races in the local university is pointed out very obviously...most of the classes started to reflect their experiences with other races....the bad and the good....it somehow makes me miss my TESL buddies a lot...
Due to the fact that i fared quite poorly in my SPM result...I put the blame on myself for my inability to fit in the homogenous society of my boarding school due to my previous multicultural educational background. but sometimes, I have the thought, if only i stayed in SAB....things would have been better. But then again, in bad times, you get to know who your friends are....I'm not perfect..but some people did reach out to me, did become my friend and accepted me for being myself..and I'm grateful for that...
After that experience, I really put emphasize on never again I want to be in that situation. Unlike my other boarding school friends who chose to further their tertiary education by going to Matriculation colleges or institutions that end with Mara at the back...and since I got D in my chemistry subject..that automatically disqualify me to apply for JPA scholarship although I did very well in the other subjects...I still have a grudge towards my chemistry teacher because of that... I will never recognize her as a good teacher. For almost a year I studied by myself in order to avoid confrontation with her, she kept giving me emotional blackmail, saying that if I continuously show my rebellious side of me...she will 'haram' kan all the knowledge she had taught me. Her sister was equally bad. They kept on insisting that the student must respect them but they never look at themselves at the mirror...they acted like crazy women...scolding and shouting...and expected us to kiss their hands when the class ended...I could never understand that kind of culture, although I am a teacher...I never insisted that the pupils must kiss my hands. What annoyed me the most was the fact that these two women were always dress in a Jubah and waist length cloak...but their attitudes didn't represent their belief..it made me formed a negative perception about the muslimah with the waist length cloak..i could never look at them under the positive light...
So when the educational ministry offered the scholarship for TESL. I grabbed it. I didn't come from a rich family background and most of our education fund was sourced to my sister since she chose to study in the IPTS. So me and my younger brother decided to be resourceful and looking for any type of scholarship to fund our tertiary education...our parents play no part in deciding our tertiary education, perhaps they have learnt a valuable lesson when they forced their way into our education by putting my sister in UIA matriculation and me in MRSM....hoping that our rebellious tendencies will be reduced..or perhaps they at the time were influence by the rising of the Muslim awareness, realising that they were quite liberal in the way they brought us up, they thought by putting us in the blanket of homogenous community will help us find a way back to our root...evidently their action backfired...the tension within our family arose....and due to that they give us an absolute freedom to choose our own paths...but under a condition that we cannot fully rely on them for financial support..they will still give me and my brother allowances...but most of the money goes to our sister...
TESL scholarship is the best way out, and I don't hate the idea of becoming an English teacher. Because back then, they were always the nicest towards me. They inspired me of becoming an English teacher that  not only respected but loved by the students. They taught me about acceptance, about how everyone is equal. They teach me not to be judgemental and always go beyond the racial barrier. They made me realise that when teaching, we don't see the student according to their races...we just see some eager faces wanting to learn, to be appreciated, to be recognized, to be heard...they desire our attention to acknowledge them in the class...they need compliment when they are doing good and support when they perform badly...so although my passion somehow always related to politics...TESL wasn't such a bad idea at all..
My undergraduate study was the greatest moment of my life. Somehow I feel like I'm being rebirth, we came from different corner of Malaysia. each with our own value, lifestyle and perception...and we managed to withstand each other for 6 years and remain united....of course there are times when the grass was not always greener, we have good moment, we have bad moment....but the understanding and the acceptance developed towards each other is the most remarkable. Just by thinking about our TESL cohort can bring a smile to my face. All the retarded moment, the not so sane moment, the rebellious moment, the perverted moment....imprinted in my mind and make me feel nostalgic.
I remember at the beginning, we were prejudiced towards each other, we were divided into 6 homerooms and 3 classes which were 1.1, 1.2 and 1.3...1.1 was described as a rowdy bunch..always creating chaos and annoy the seniors by being too noisy. The 1.2 was described as the passive bunch, they are very good at getting things done,but they keep quiet most of the time. The 1.3 was described as a lazy bunch, although later it turn out most of the 4 flatters came from them.
I was placed in 1.1. We have the most number of guys compared to other classes.. but their influence are hardly recognized due to the fact that they are outnumbered by the girls...and it turn out we have lots of outspoken and gila kuasa classmates at the time. So the girls practically dominating everything about running the class...all the guys can do is nod. But despite this fact, we always thought our foundation year as our honeymoon year. We celebrated our birthday by throwing party every three months, we collected the money  and did some fundraising so that we could actually go to the vacation together. We had our fun time with the lecturers and some of the not so fun time. but what amused me the most, the race was never an issue..we talked, we joked about racial stuffs...never even considered about how sensitive the issues were treated outside...now that I look back...it kinda shaped the way I bring myself nowadays...i'm always so tactless in my words before...and the openness that I had experienced actually make it worse. if I were to talk the same way I did with them with the people outside, most people would feel offended....
For example, some of my friends openly admitting that they are bananas..and they felt no shame admitting it, while others might find it offensive. So, every time the chinese started speaking chinese language to them,  their facial expression was priceless....and we laugh a lot because of that... some of us are quite perverted in the innocent way....thanks to them i learn a lot about lemon and hentai.... well I have to admit i did play my part in it....we learnt a lot of puns and words with double meaning...and some of them are really hilarious....we had a fair share of the sleepyhead, whom always manage to stay awake most of the time except when the lecture started, we had the latecomers also known as budak2 skuter...coz skuter is often related to slowness (the lack of speed)...we have the noisy bunch whose laugh were even funnier than the joke itself, we have the rebellious bunch who will find every opportunity to go against the lecturer... we have the outspoken people who voices out their dissatisfaction towards certain issues face to face to the lecturer and we have the drama queens to add up some spices....
Never in my life i see so much freedom of expression being practiced almost every time except when we in the comfort of our own cohort....and I knew at the time, I found a place in which I belong. When we don't agree with something, we are quick to voice it out, without even thinking about the consequence, we formed a strong belief and committed to it...but we always manage to find the common ground. If we think that the lecturer is practising double standard..we are not afraid to voice it out...If we think that the lecturer decision is quite ridiculous, we will obviously retaliate.
We have so many strong characters within the cohort...each with their own persona and ideology. Leadership Wise, they are equally good. But I admire Jia Rong the most, her authoritarian ways of doing things, not necessarily agreeable to others, but it's always works out. We have Teoh, the perfectionist and idealist of our community, We have Kia Hooi who always calm and collected when handling things, the hard working Rahah who always come out with ideas and motivation to realise the ideas, Mamai who plan and organise things nicely, we have Asha who always so convincing in everything she said...these people are the person responsible in shaping the culture of our cohort. Our cohort is always being branded as the black sheep, coz we chose to go against the lecturer most of the time, but academically...our achievement as a general exceeds any other cohort...despite our rebelliousness...we are still able to get good grades....
I have my chance working with lots of coursemates from different background, and I like working with them...I like working with Jia Rong and Melissa because most of the time we ended up laughing about something hilarious that has nothing to do with what we are actually working on, this thing always manage to drive the lecturer mad...because they always came out with some witty retorts when the lecturer asked them about what they are doing...I love working with Gladys because I like her view, she just like a walking encyclopedia to me. The way she shows her view on things are very concise and sharp, she never fail to amaze me. I also love working with Ervinna, she always being so helpful, so ever ready to work with..we develop mutual understanding and filling in each other's limitation...it just occur to me that most of the time. I seldom work with my own friend, I find that working with my own friend is quite distracting...because you have to worry about personal aspects of your relationship. Well, i always being so non committal about relationship and friendship. the thought of having to spend my time and work with the same person is quite suffocating. Those who knew me well, will get the idea. You can become my bestest friend in the world, but if you ask me to work with you...I would say...NO. So i always act as an open agent accepting anybody who would want to work with me. and the system work just fine.
When working together, I always avoid being the leader, because I find that whenever I'm in charged.. the result is not what I have anticipated. I hate to work with people who only rely on me to tell them what to do...Fortunately my partners and my group member are always the initiative lot, full of ideas and resourceful...we contributed in ways that we did best...and I really love the experience....
And when the time comes for us to study in UM...we find no problem to fit in. The lecturers at first are quite sceptical because of the negative perception they had with our senior. But later, they begin to warm up to us,  the perception has changed...at that time they actually quite doubtful about our excellence in academic performance... it turns out their doubt was unfounded...because our result are getting even better than before...they become so proud of us for the fact not only all of us graduating with honour, but one of our cohort was chosen to receive a royal degree for the Bumiputera, something that education faculty would never dream to achieve....and I myself so proud of my friend Fatiha....she deserves it....and during the convocation day...when the education faculty graduates stand up symbolising the honour of graduating excellently....the feeling is indescribable...
Most of the time, the teachers are often affiliated with lack of training, inability to perform the task, lack of resourcefulness, even the profession of the teacher itself is considered as a last resort of the graduates who didn't manage to get a job...but us the product of the twinning programme between IPG and IPTA, defying the odds and became even better than the product of IPTA itself...prove to people that we can do it...that academic excellence can be reached if we really put our mind to it...we can proudly claim that we are the quality product...looking back I always so proud of becoming TESLians....
I don't care even some people look down on us and underestimating us by saying that TESL is an easy course...walk the talk man....i don't care shit about your course, if you are unable to get good grades, blame yourself...there's no such things as EASY course, we are busting our ass for the grades...we may look like the unaffected bunch...who can enjoy ourselves during the examination time, some people even asked when did you study? It's hard to find you doing revision or reading stuffs...but you always manage to get good grades...dear friend, we make it looks easy because we chose to....and we are not reading simply because the exam is around the corner...it's already implanted and accumulated through times and when the time comes...they will be written on the paper....just like what my friend always said "it's all in my head"....
At this moment...i really miss my buddies...I miss bullying Ieda, I miss sharing sarcasm remarks with Jahwati, I miss all the hilarious joke and retarded moment i shared with Jia Rong and Melissa, I miss the witty Aini with her witty remarks..i still remember how she fight ardently with the lecturer over a microphone..., I miss Muhafiz the "so called Capt.Jack, I miss Keri my hobbit mischievous partner..I miss Sze Mei and her funny jokes, I miss Ervinna who always so accepting towards me, I miss Anis Amira and Rohani, I just miss everybody.....luckily I'm still in contact with Gladys, Fatiha, Hanna, Zizi,Mamas and of course Aishah and Izzah....but perhaps someday...somebody will plan a reunion to gather us together....being part of the TESL cohort 2 students by far...is one of the best experience I ever had....

I'm 27 now....

Hoho....I'm 27 now, and my life is going great....looking back, I always have regret...words that i said, absurdity in my action, to err is human...aren't we all just a screwed up bunch....

Although it's hard to admit, but my greatest regret is about repressing my true feeling when i should just be honest....now I don't have a chance to even do that.. after telling so many lies to myself that things always get better the next time, I will become more level headed, more optimist in my view...I will improve...things would change somehow,I come to the point that I have to accept the fact...things would never change.

There are always the time that you reached the peak of suicidal, when you just think life has no meaning any more, when you lose someone whom is so dear to you... and going on is something you refuse to do... but life is like the river flowing, no matter how much you struggle to go against it, you'll get tired eventually and just go with the flow...life isn't a bed of roses...but will death promise us something better?

I've wrote about this before, that I probably won't live long enough to enjoy my retirement...but I'm not a God to decide on something like that...and they say bad people live longer...so considering I'm no angel myself, I probably live long enough to see myself become the villain... 

I've been wanting so bad that I would do anything to make it happen, but you won't always get what you want. Sometimes you have to learn to let go. Sometimes it is important that our happiness is short lived, rather than it slowly become something boring, something hurtful and full of hatred...

Knowing myself better than anyone, I know I will be good at the surviving department...I might go crazy and act like a bitch...but I will be a strong bitch....the smart ass bitch, that always have a clever retort over any remark given to me. 

The most important thing, treat your loved one better. Your family, your friends or your partner. I lost that chance before and I'm not so keen to have any more experience dealing with the grief of what if...

banyak sgt ke kerja cikgu?

"banyak sgt ke kerja cikgu? aku tgk diorg ni asyik merungut2 je wat kerja?" kate seorang makhluk Allah kepada aku...sentap jugak beb...sebenarnya tanggungjawab utama guru adalah membuat rancangan pelajaran harian dan melaksanakannya di dalam bilik darjah...yg ni memang kena buat..klu xbuat boleh kena saman ribu2...kerja2 pengkeranian yg lain adalah value added package menjadi seorang guru..macam ko pakai bil...kunun byr rm50 ringgit sebulan...tetibe dtg hidden charge sane sini...bg guru2 yg ikhlas...itu xmenjadi masalah besar...bak kate orang tua2...klu semua nak berkira, xyah la jd cikgu...but semua tu ada limit...guru dah banyak berkorban untuk murid..dari duit ringgit sampai la ke masa yg dihabiskan...kalau nak mengungkit memang habis pahala amal jariah...pasal kerja pengkeranian tu...sebenarnya..kalau pentadbiran sekolah tu cekap...semua kerja pun boleh jadi senang...kalau dari awal tahun dah diadakan jadual dan checklist..dan diedarkan kan kepada guru...lengkap dengan waktu meeting, waktu submit exam paper,waktu exam, waktu kemasukan markah, waktu masuk instrument dalam fail perkembangan murid, waktu check berat tinggi budak, waktu update smm, waktu camping, waktu event2 besar kat sekolah, waktu ko-kurikulum, waktu field trip, waktu hari sukan, waktu kejohanan2 yg penting, waktu gotong royong, dan waktu2 yg sewaktu dengannye...cikgu2 pun senang nak refer and prioritise..bila dah siap, tick aje...wat copy utk documentation...tapi kalau pentadbiran sendri cuma tahu mengarah..n kalu setakat bg takwim yg ade tulis cuti sekolah je, tak peka dengan tarikh2 penting...tak susun perancangan dengan elok...last minit tukar2 arahan...guru2 yg jd mangsa...mungkin sebab tu cikgu banyak merungut...pentadbiran sekali bagi kerja bertimbun-timbun...tapi nak dalam masa yg cepat...sedangkan guru masih kena mengajar seperti biasa....bukan boleh curi2 buat dalam kelas....n klu kerja lebih masa bukan boleh claim overtime...ade cikgu yg cincai....sebab terkejar2 nak selesaikan benda yg ni...PnP lintang pukang...budak2 disuruh baca buku sendiri...sementara dia sibuk menyiapkan tugas yg diberi....kat sini lah terjadinya kecuaian....
Tak dinafikan,ada cikgu yg memang pemalas..ade kerja ke xde kerja ke...PnP macam tu juga, tp bila kerja2 pengkeranian makin menimbun, sesetengah cikgu berada dalam dilema nak utamakan yg mana satu....bila dah start juggling...mulalah cikgu2 merungut...lagi2 kalau tetibe kerajaan nk wat event2 mengejut, sekali jemput budak2 sekolah ramai2....cikgu jugak yg kena iring...cancel trip jalan2 bersama2 keluarga tercinta....nak harap mak bapak budak2 tu sendri yg iring...xde maknenye....sedangkan event tu bukan event sekolah...tp cikgu2 masih kena bertanggungjawab terhadap murid-murid...mak bapak skang pantang anak jatuh sikit...laju je nak menyaman....
as a conclusion, kalau semua orang faham tugas dan peranan masing-masing, semua kerja akan jadi senang, pentadbiran kena la main banyak peranan n sediakan fasiliti dan kemudahan yg cukup....sediakan kertas yang cukup, dakwat printer yang cukup, akses internet yg laju, mesin binding, mesin photostat, stationaries yg lengkap, PA yg cekap, PT yang membantu, baru la kerja cikgu pun smooth....ini tidak, dari A sampai Z asyik harapkan cikgu je...dah la kerja kena buat, duit sendri asyik keluar, kalau claim pun belum tentu dapat...motivasi guru pun berkurangan...lepas 2 3 tahun mengajar...dah rasa x seronok....aku pernah dapat sekolah yg pentadbiran dia best...n aku pernah dapat sekolah yg pentadbiran dia cam bangang...aku pernah sehari dan semalam duk sekolah wat kerja n xmerungut....and aku pernah sehari semalam duk sekolah wat kerja yg bukan kerja aku dan menyumpah maki hamun xigt dunia....guru pun manusia...ade mase mood ok, ada masa mood foul....kalau kena kerja bawah pentadbiran yg entah ape-ape....siapa yg xpanas....
Tapi semua ni berlaku mungkin ada hikmahnya...mungkin untuk mendidik guru supaya lebih efficient dan organised...walaupun pentadbiran yg kat atas tu tunggang langgang...sekurang2nya guru2 boleh belajar untuk mandiri dan ambil inisiatif sendiri supaya kerja sendiri tidak terjejas....sekali sekala merungut itu ok...tp kalau selalu orang pun bosan juga....a reminder for myself yg selalu aktif dalam bidang perungutan ini....bila kita encounter satu masalah and kita berjaya menyelesaikan masalah itu...kita dah develop diri kita...we become stronger than yesterday....so pokok pangkalnya...terpulanglah kepada guru tu sendiri nak letak diri diorang dekat mana...coz kerja xkan pernah habis...if you can't change the system...you must find a way to makes things easier for you....and kerjasama tu penting...sorry to say...kalau ko dapat colleague yg best n supportive, n sanggup wat kerja sama-sama....it's a heaven...but kalau ko dapat colleague yg suka menjatuhkan, save their own asses, n rasa diri sendri lagi bagus dari orang lain n xnk membantu....it's a hell....I've experienced both....if you can't adapt...back off and do things by yourself...if rase lost n xtau, be resourceful....tanya colleague yg lain...n klu they turn a cold shoulder by saying "entah la...cari la sendri" or "akak xtau la..." be even more resourceful...cari kat forum or internet...tanya kawan2 yg tahu....jadi cikgu kena sentiasa berkongsi dan bertukar pendapat....xsetuju xpe...janji ada exchange of information....bila kita tahu ape yg kita kena buat...kerja lagi cepat siap....
n walaupun benda ni paling susah nak dilakukan....but kita kena separate hal personal dengan hal kerja..hal personal dan kerjaya sama penting...xbley lebihkan salah satu...i learnt the hard way...sebab xjaga kesihatan...kerja aku terjejas...nasib baik kerja government...klu private...confirm aku dh kena sacked...sekali mc sampai sebulan...mahu x dasyat....so i learn my lesson...jaga kesihatan supaya aku boleh jalankan kerja aku dengan sempurna....Alhamdulillah..kerana MC aku yg amat dasyat itu...aku xberani nak amik MC yg sehari...klu demam teruk pun aku datang....coz nak imbal balik MC yg berminggu2 tu...CRK pun xpernah amik ag dari mula mengajar...hohohohoho.....but side effect MC lame2...balik sekolah...kerja bertimbun2.....pandai2 la ko nak selesaikan mane dulu...janji kerja siap....
kesimpulannya, merungut tu part and parcel ko jd cikgu...cuma kadang2 ia jd extreme bila orang kt atas tu kadang2 macam xpernah jd cikgu lagaknya....mula memberi arahan2 mengarut dan menyusahkan...so pandai-pandailah....merungut xsalah....tapi kalau selalu, orang pun menyampah....hoho..faham tu Amy....ko merungut banyak sangat...orang menyampah tau.....remember Amy, whiner none the wiser....

Naik LRT

Sejak dah tua2 ni...ngelat betul klu kena naik LRT...dulu time sekolah...pagi2 dh bgn...pkl 6.30, mesti kne naik lrt...supaya bley kejar bas kat majestic n dapat g sekolah on time....harapan....LRT siap dibuat masa umur aku 12 tahun...so pas naik sekolah menengah, naik LRT memang jadi rutin harian....klu2 tgh emo bosan gile, mula la wat kerja gila, naik kat Pudu pastu pusing ke Sultan Ismail n patah balik ke Sri Petaling...baru balik Ampang....dulu pengguna LRT xramai macam skang....n klu pakai baju sekolah dapat rate murah...half price kalau xsilap....huhu...rindunye zaman naik bas kena bayar 40 sen je...sebab tu klu budak2 sekolah lain dok sorok baju sekolah diorg...kitorg lak pakai baju uniform dgn t-shirt sekolah g mane2...tgk wyg de diskaun, main boling pun de diskaun...n klu de pakcik polis or orang yg prihatin menegur...ponteng sekolah ke dik...laju menjawab...tgk bagde lak pak cik...kitorg sekolah pg la....huhu...standard sekolah menengah klu form1 dengan form 2 kena sekolah petang....so xbyk sekolah yg form 1 dengan form 2 sekolah pg...budget exclusive la konon...
Time kt MRSM, klu time cuti,sampai je kt Puduraya....mengangkut lah beg naik LRT kat Plaza Rakyat. kalau turun kat Pekeliling, naik la LRT kat Titiwangsa...wa mane de mintak parents amik..mcm la diorg banyak mase pun nak amik...and wa kadang2 balik pun xgitau...tau2 je dh smpi depan pintu rumah....
Time lepas blajar, de la cuti panjang...g la keje kt KLCC...time tu trus beli pas bulanan...RM108 klu xsilap...bley naik sekali LRT STAR dgn PUTRA....time tu, kerja abis betul2 pukul 11...so kena lari2 kejar LRT...coz kalau miss, kena balik naik teksi...harga teksi kalau atas pukul 12...dah double....so golongan Marhaen macam aku ni memang xdapat dipisahkan dengan LRT...
tapi segalanya berubah bila bapak aku bg kereta...aku sudah lupa dengan LRT....kalau mak aku paksa aku pergi Jalan TAR naik LRT...muncung aku kalah Donald Duck...aku sudah malas menjinjit barang2, berdiri menunggu LRT di dalam kesesakan umat manusia di KL ini....akhirnya...lemak2 di badan aku makin bertambah hari demi hari...seiring dengan usia kereta aku....
So bile aku buat keputusan nak naik LRT balik, macam2 juga dugaan yang aku hadapi...dulu aku rase coach LRT STAR ni sejuk je...skang ni...aku rase mcm xcukup oxigen...aku ni dh la cepat berpeluh...so bila naik LRT...lagi2 klu time ramai orang...perasaan melekit itu tidak dapat digambarkan...ini lah hasil lemak2 yg berkumpul itu...mungkin betul kata orang...orang gemuk memang cepat dan banyak berpeluh...so aku sendri rase tak best dgn peluh2 yg berpusu2 keluar di setiap rongga kulit aku....pengajaran yg aku dapat...aku pakai berlayer2 deodorant...n sapu bedak Dettol satu badan utk elak masalah peluh ini....n pastikan aku ikat rambut supaya rambut aku x kena peluh...naik LRT ni macam pergi GYM pulak...
n bila naik LRT, ko kena organize brg2 mengikut priority...dulu semua bawak angkut masuk kereta..kalau dah lambat...handphone dgn wallet pun tertinggal kat rumah....sekarang bile naik LRT  bwk barang2 kena pilih mengikut keperluan...yg penting sekali kena ada wallet, handphone dan payung...pastu buku, stationary, baru brg2 lain...beg make up, baju ganti, lap top...cuma dibawa bila diperlukan...klu nak bwk semua...terbarai2 la brg tu...n abis la bahu nk menahan berat...n possiblity misplaced n tertinggal dalam LRT sgt tinggi...
Since schedule LRT ni dah fixed, so ko kena pay attention pkl berapa ko kena kuar supaya xtertinggal train...or supaya ko dapat sampai on time...lambat keluar sikit...bermakna ko kena tunggu next train...so klu selama ni aku dgn sesuka ati je pkl brape aku nk kuar bila naik kereta...bila naik LRT...aku kena ikut la masa yg diberi...klu x..confirm lambat dari aku bwk kereta...
Last sekali...naik LRT, ko kena banyak jalan....kadang2 escalator rosak...ko kena naik tangga turun tangga, lalu tunnel...adehai...dengan nak bwk barang2 ag...dengan nak jalan ag....nasib baik la, member aku sudi pick up aku kt stesyen LRT...klu die xamik...aku kena tunggu bas...dan jalan lagi....kalau naik bas,...bukan suke ati mak bapak bley berenti kat tempat kite nak...kena tunggu kt bus stop terdekat....semua tu memerlukan stamina....so setiap kali aku sampai rumah....aku memang tergolek2 dulu....aduhai penat...padanlah aku gemuk...
but then again....naik LRT ni dapat menguatkan fizikal dan mental aku yg dah lemak ke sana sini naik kereta...walaupun arge tiket...g balik RM8 lebih kurang dgn arge minyak kereta aku g balik gak...tp banyak yg aku dapat...so marilah kite naik LRT....tp lg best klu RAPID bley wat balik student price.....aku cheapskate ok....

act my age...

Act my age...easier said than done...huh??? How does 27 year old female act her age?? do we have a guideline for that? some says age just numbers and some says the older you are, the wiser you get...and the more mature you have become...Can someone enlighten me in what form does maturity takes place... If maturity conveys the meaning of don't be too quick with your words or don't speak without good foundation of reasoning....then...I'm sure I fall behind in the arena...coz for fuck sake....I always speak my mind....It often crappy but sometimes it rings...Hell I'm not perfect...I'm a screw up...but aren't we all?
If we look at our image in the mirror...and reflect all the embarrassing things we've done, all the mistakes we made...I'm sure if there is a way to turn back time...we would do anything to reverse our wrongdoing.... But by undoing all those stuff...would it be able to change the way we are...can nature be changed so easily? Aren't we genetically born with it?? Isn't life a cycle?..one day we are doing the judging and the next, it's our turn to be judged....
Deep inside we know...day by day...something inside us has changed...though on the surface everything looks the same...but inside the flesh we own...our souls either hardened or softened from the exposure of variations of emotions or incidents that revolving our life...people's predicaments have no certain characteristics that fit every individual...If we are unable to read each other's mind...what gives the idea that we could make people abide by the same rule as us..
I am 27 and single, that's the fact.....most women my age in Malaysia are married and some even have babies.... am I expected to act like them? I was born a Malay, and most of the Malay women in Malaysia are conditioned to play their role as the tradition has laid upon them... so if i choose to refuse the role... does it make me any less Malay? I'm not questioning the way things are going...I'm just questioning my freedom not to follow things that I'm taught to obey just because I was born in it...If I'm fine with the way things are...why should people judge and make fun of it...
If I'm a bitch and it makes man sick of it...what should I do? bending myself and be a hypocrite hoping to be amiable enough so that I could have a ring on my finger? I might be stupid...but I see things...when it comes to relationship with men and women, oftentimes it ended up ugly and I don't like it...I'm too strong willed to back down, to humble my head just to make things work..I once compromised...twice or maybe thrice.... but compromise doesn't get me anywhere...If my weaknesses or my ugliness is too much for others to handle...why should I try and stay? Why should I beg? I used to be scared to be alone, unloved...but as I grow..I begin to accept the way things are...I'm fine being alone...I might get tired...I might cry...heck...I even fell down the stairs at the middle of the night with a fractured wrist, a bruised back and a bump at my head....and no one is there to help me get up.... I'm fine with curling up in bed alone withholding the pain....and swallowed the pills so that I can sleep through it...I'm used to waking up with a head ache and burning body and stay in the shower and lost track of time letting the water running through every part of my body to let it cool...I'm fine being in the operation theater without someone holding my hand...I've been through my tough time and deal with it alone...it changed the way I look at things... it taught me to do things on my own and stop depending on other people to work things out for me....coz I simply don't have that privilege... so it really doesn't matter to me...perhaps now I live with my mom...but if the time comes for me to be out there on my own again...I will survive it....like any other person before me....because that's what life is all about....
For you, I might be stupid, I might be immature..I'm a spoilt rotten kid who refuse to grow up....you can judge me...but you don't have a right to say...I am this way because I don't act my age....

budak-budak dan kita...

Sempena nak dekat hari kanak-kanak ni...saje je nk wat post pasal diorg...aku ni xkahwin ag...anak sendri pun xde ag...so experience aku dgn diorg cuma waktu aku mengajar...3 years je baru mengajar...tp de mcm2 cerita pasal budak2 yg aku sendri alami dengan mata kepala sendri...
Aku sebenarnya xsuka budak...bukan benci ke, menyampah ke....cuma aku xsuka semak..budak kan banyak songeh, banyak kerenah..suka usik barang n sepahkan, suka sorok barang, or amik barang ko tanpa kebenaran...kebetulan jarak umur aku dengan adik kecik aku 14 tahun jauhnya...menyebabkan aku dgn adik aku tu asyik bercakar...dulu ex aku pernah kata yg aku ni control freak...setiap kali die kuar dgn aku n adik aku...die nampak, mesti aku nak control every aspect yg adik aku buat..sampai adik aku rase rimas...frankly, mungkin sebab adik aku tu spitting image of me...the mini me...aku nampak dia mengikut segala perkara yg sama aku pernah buat yg agak embarrassing so i chose to intervene...but since he is the mini me...perangai aku yg keras kepala dan nak menang tu pun dia mengikut sama... bile die dah besar sikit ni...barulah kurang memcari pasal dengan aku...tp pantang nampak muka aku...mula la nk paw duit aku..
Dulu aku wonder gak, since aku xberapa ngam dengan budak, bley ke aku jd cikgu yg baik...compare dgn kawan aku yg excited gile nampak baby...nak ambil gambar, nak cubit2 muka baby yg comel tu...I still don't get it until now....walaupun aku dah ade anak sedare, tp dgn Aila yg baru umur setahun lebih tu pun aku bley gado...die pun dah pandai nk kenakan aku...asal xpuas ati je, die jerit macam histeria supaya aku kene marah dgn mak aku....ikut ati nk je karate...tp xsampai ati lak...so aku pun doubt ability aku nk handle diorg...
The first time aku deal directly dgn budak yg xde kena mengena dgn aku, mase aku praktikum...dapat sekolah pompuan...admin memang azab....kurus kering aku time tu...derita sengsara...ceh ceh ceh... kelas aku multiracial...the Indian is the majority, followed by  the Malay and the Chinese....the social economic status of the families are from middle income and below...
Aku ajar darjah 2, darjah 4 n darjah 5 time tu, 2 english classes, 1 science class and 1 kajian tempatan class.. so mase ajar darjah 2, de sorang budak ni..beg dia kosong...dari segi penampilan, aku malas cakap banyaklah...paling comot dalam kelas, dia pakai tudung...tp aku rasa macam nak cabut tudung dia...dengan rambut berserabai, baju dah berbau...kasut kotor...budak2 selalu buli dia sampai die nangis...and dia xmau bercakap langsung...so aku xtau macam mana nak communicate dgn dia...aku cakap ape pun dia sengih aje...garu kepala gak aku...aku dalam kepala dah form a schemata...budak ni mesti budak Indonesia ni, coz muka budak tu ada iras2 budak Indonesia...n frankly, since parents diorg busy cari duit, hal2 kebajikan anak memang jatuh nombor 2...
So aku pun mengadu kepada guru kelas, ternganga aku bila dapat tahu minah ni, bapaknya cikgu sekolah juga....memang smart abis...aduhai...nape anak dia terbiar sampai macam ni sekali...buku xde, baju xberbasuh....kesan sambal semalam pun de lagi kat baju...guru kelas pun buka cerita...bapaknya bercerai dengan maknya utk berkahwin dengan orang Indonesia...kebetulan maknye xbekerja, jd terpaksa tinggalkan dengan bapaknya sementara mak dia cari pekerjaan...bapaknya dengan bini baru pula tengah sibuk buat production dah nak masuk anak yg ke-3...sepanjang tahun perkahwinan...keluar seorang anak...so xde siapalah yg kat rumah tu nak ambil tahu hal budak ni....terbiar macam tu je la..aku tanye kat dia, abis napa budak tu xnk cakap? guru kelas dia balas "sapa nak layan dia mi, kat rumah xde sape peduli, xsekolah pun budak2 xsuka, dah comot macam tu, budak2 pun xnk dekat..mungkin sebab tu dia xnak cakap dgn orang."..Well, time tu aku praktikum ag...so aku pun xamik port sgt...coz aku bukannye jenis yg concern gila...so aku wat mcm biase je la..n x de dah aku tanye budak tu ape2..cume time kelas aku..aku prepare satu buku latihan dgn pensil utk die tulis n wat keje...abis klas..aku amik balik simpan...coz aku tau, klu aku bg die bwk balik...memang ghaib la buku tu...de budak tanye "nape teacher bagi "S" buku dgn pensil..kitorg xde dapat pun....mane aci..." aku pun jawab.."kalau ari2 teacher bebel benda yg same...teacher gak penat...at least klu teacher wat camni...die xde alasan xnk wat keje.."de budak yg sengal menjawab "klu camtu esok xnk bwk buku dgn pensil box r...nnt teacher bg" aku tunjuk tapak tangan aku kt diorg..."klu nak rase...buat lah.." n days go by...satu hari budak tu sakit perut...die letak kepala kt meja...muka mcm nk nangis..bila aku tanye nape...die tunjuk perut...kebetulan time tu masa aku nk abis...so aku bawak la die g bilik guru...aku pimpin tangan dia...standard la kan...but budak tu pegang tangan aku kuat2...n dia senyum je...sampai bilik guru...aku letak minyak cap kapak kt perut dia... bile aku tgk perut die yg kerempeng tu aku terus tanye "S lapar ke?" dia angguk...so aku bg roti yg aku beli kt die...(one thing pasal aku...kt meja aku mesti de makanan...bukan utk aku makan..tp dah jd habit)...time tu aku macam tersedar sikit...aku yg selfish mcm ni pun..xsampai ati tgk budak tu...nape bapak kandung dia...mak tiri dia...sanggup wat macam tu kt dia...aku rase kt situ lah permulaannya nape aku nk jd cikgu kot..kadang2 aku rase parents aku suck...tp klu nk compare dgn idup budak2 yg aku pernah ajar...my parents are way better...n sewaktu aku sekolah dulu, cikgu2 aku bukan kisah pun pasal aku...pura2 baik depan aku macam concern gile tp hampeh....belakang aku kutuk aku kaw2...sebab tu aku prefer cikgu yg distance kan diri dia dengan budak, daripada cikgu2 yg kononnya cool selalu lepak dgn budak sedangkan diorg bukan amik kisah pun psl budak, diorg just nk budak tu score supaya dapat maintain reputasi dia n diorg nk budak suke diorg...dulu aku pantang bila cikgu panggil aku masuk bilik guru pastu tanye aku pasal family aku...aku rase nk tampar je cikgu tu...aku tau die bukan kisah pun pasal aku...tp saje nk busybody...so pengalaman aku yg dulu ni...membentuk sikap aku bila jd guru sekarang...
Bile dah abis praktikum, ade la sesi post morterm...de sorg course mate aku yg dah ade anak satu time tu, n kebetulan die lawa....cerita la kt kitorg...yg dekat tempat die praktikum ni ade sorang budak lelaki sgt suka kat die, budak tu suka duk dekat dengan dia, sampai die naik rimas (aku malas la nak masuk cerita psl physical murid tu...), kirenye die xsuka la budak tu....tapi die xtau macam mane nak handle budak tu...coz dah di marah pun budak tu still lagi menggendeng kat die...dlm hati aku terbisik gak...ko dah ade anak pun..belum tentu ko bley handle budak...or bg kasih sayang kat budak...especially kalau budak tu buruk, hodoh, comot dan xlawa....nasib baik lah aku x amik port pasal appearance budak coz aku mase kecik pun selekeh gak...ye la...mak bapak dua2 kerja...seb baik mase kecik aku comel la gak...so dpt balance la selekeh aku dgn kecomelan aku (ceh...perasan)
Bila dah jd cikgu betul....n dah jadi guru kelas...aku cuba kenal siapa budak yg aku ajar, background diorang, perangai diorg....de yg baik, de yg kurang ajar, de yang panjang tangan, de yg mulut xbley diam...setiap budak lain perangai dan setiap budak dapat didikan yg berbeza dari parents diorg...ade hari aku happy masuk kelas...ade hari memang tangan aku laju nak bg pelempang kat budak...
De sorang student aku, darjah 3 time tu kelas belakang...muka comel...kalau cakap dengan aku mesti die bahasakan diri die kite...contohnye "Miss Amy, td kite makan burger...sedap...." tapi die ni ade satu perangai tak best...suka mencuri....kalau setakat curi pemadam kawan..duit kawan..boleh ampun lagi..dia ni maha hebat...curi wallet cikgu dengan handset pun pernah...walhal..walkman orang yg datang wat pameran kat sekolah pun dirembatnya...dan semua kejadian tu berlaku bila aku xmasuk kelas...tau2 je dapat call "Mi...budak ko mencuri ag" aduhai...bila tgk family background die, baru aku faham...bapak dia memang keluar masuk penjara sebab kes pecah rumah...yg buat aku sentap, bapak dia ade dua bini...and dua2 bini dia duduk serumah...anak dah nak masuk sedozen...cikgu2 kat sekolah aku selalu kenakan aku "bapak si A tu tgh cari calon yg ke-3, A tu kemain sayang kat ko...ko x nak ke mi?"...ishhh...tolak bala la aku....aku pun xpaham ape bini bini dia nampak kt orang macam tu...tp walaupun aku tau perangai A yg panjang tangan tu..aku xde lak layan die lain...cuma setiap kali dalam kelas aku suro die duk depan dekat dgn meja aku..and if aku nk kuar or g toilet, aku suro die jage handbag aku,aku siap warning "A...teacher check semua barang yg ade dalam handbag teacher...hilang satu je teacher cari ko..." Alhamdulillah...barang aku xde yg ilang...tp bile igt balik ade gak yg lawak...de satu hari time raye, sekolah wat marhaban...de seorang cikgu lelaki yg garang gak dgn budak...die ni selalu la bantai si A ni sebab dia guru disiplin sekolah...si A ni lari2 kat cikgu ni n kate "cikgu, kite dah tau rumah cikgu..." pastu semua pakat gelak ramai2...aku yg memang lampi ni x paham ape...sampai la de sorang cikgu laki cakap kat cikgu ni "Abis la ko...baik ko buat baik kat die...die dh tau rumah ko...klu x...kena pecah la nnt"...hohoho....siyut je....sebenarnya ramai budak yg nasib xbaik macam A nih....de sorang budak asik kena bantai dgn bapak die...last2 datang sekolah, pulak yg bantai budak...ade yg mak lari tinggalkan anak nk ikut jantan lain, nasib lah bapak diorg jenis bertanggungjawab, kerjanya nelayan je, tp pg2 sebelum g laut...die buatkan sarapan utk anak2....anak2 dia...walaupun xpandai...tp sgt berdikari....de budak lak sgt spoilt...baru darjah 1 dah berani hempas kerusi depan aku...sebab xpuas ati kena denda...de budak lak....bapak dah meninggal...umur bapak die sebelum meninggal 80 lebih...kawin dgn orang indonesia umur 30 an...sgt bangga kerana berjaya mengandungkan bini die tp xsempat idup...untuk jalankan tanggungjawab sebagai bapa...tinggallah bini terkontang-kanting...membesarkan anak berderet hasil kejantanan lelaki tua ini...datang sekolah, anak xterurus, xmandi...berbau...xboleh nak salahkan mak budak tu...dia setengah mati bekerja nk memberi anak2 makan.... ape lah daya yg dia ade...ape yg aku cuma boleh buat...bg die duit blanje n klu de budak bising pasal die busuk, xmandi...aku cakap " dari awak memekak hari2 pasal mende tu, pe kate esok awak ambik sabun dgn tuala bg kt die...suro die mandi kt sekolah...." senyap terus kelas...aku kesian dgn budak macam ni...bukan die mintak pun idup mcm tu...kadang2 ati aku memang nk salahkan mak bapak...klu dah tau xmampu, asal ko beranak pinak banyak2....kot ye pun rezeki tuhan bg...yg ko zalim dgn hak2 anak ko tu ko x fikir...tp siapalah aku nk mempersoalkan benda2 mcm ni...mcm kes baru2 ni...budak aku kena culik dgn mak sendri...parents dah bercerai...custody jatuh kt bapak...so mak die pun amik budak ni time die tgh belajar...igtkan..ko dah penat2 culik...ko jage la elok2....bila aku jumpa budak ni balik...terbeliak mata aku...kulit budak ni yg putih mulus...dah jd hitam legam....rambut ikal dah dibotakkan....parut dekat badan aku xyah cakap la....berair la kejap mata aku...bapak budak ni cakap kt aku " first time die jumpe anak die balik...die terduduk menangis...." bapak die jumpa budak ni kt rumah anak yatim....rupa2nya pakwe mak die dera dia teruk2..satu hari dia dapat lari n ade org jumpe bwk g balai...since polis xde maklumat psl die...polis anta duk rumah anak yatim...sampai la polis dapat kenal pasti identit budak tu....senyap aku dengar bapak die cerita...selama ni..aku igt bapak die over acting je...ye la...mane de mak nak dera anak sendri kan....rupa2nya memang ada...n kita ni sebagai manusia sebenarnya...xboleh nk judge org sewenang-wenangnya...
Bila cakap pasal anak x sah taraf, sekarang memang dah banyak..cuma aku xamik port sangat sebab bukan masalah aku...asal budak tu nak belajar, ape aku peduli siape dia....cuma aku terkejut la sebab ade gak cikgu yg amik peduli....de parents dtg jumpa aku, cakap pasal anak dia...aku memang tau budak tu anak angkat dia je...n aku respect dia dgn suami die...umur makcik ni dah 50 lebih, suami dia pulak kerja security guard je...aku pernah tanya dia "Kakak nak apply kwamp x? kakak layak" dia tolak.."xpe cikgu, anak2 saya ramai yg dah besar...sejak saya bela N ni...rezeki saya murah je...Alhamdulillah" N tu, memang budak baik dan sgt rajin...so aku paham la nape kakak tu bangga sangat dengan anak dia....walaupun anak angkat...kakak tu sambung cerita ag " Dulu, mase mule2 sekolah, N asik nangis nak balik...die xsuka cikgu yg dulu...cikgu tu selalu tanye macam2...pastu layan die teruk, tp tahun ni, N happy je...siap nk g sekolah hari2...siap suruh saye belikan cikgu kain..." fuh...kembang idung aku kejap...walaupun aku dgn N tu, xde la rapat mane pun...tp mungkin sebab aku layan die mcm aku layan budak lain gak...x lebih x kurang...so die rase ok dgn aku...agaknye la kan....
Aku bukan cikgu yg bagus pun...tp aku cuba apa yg terdaya, yg aku boleh buat...kadang2 aku pun screw up juga...macam baru2 ni...de budak xdtg sekolah seminggu...sebelumnya tu de kawan die pun xdtg sekolah seminggu...sebab g bercuti kt Langkawi...right after dapat duit bantuan...terus g satu family...mungkin kebetulan je...tp cukup la buat aku sentap...so bile next weeknye, budak lain lak ponteng seminggu...laju la mulut aku cakap "ha...Q...awak ni pulak bercuti kat mane sampai seminggu xdatang.." cepat je budak tu menjawab "cikgu ni, Mak saya masuk hospital la...saye kena duduk dgn nenek..." pastu bermula lah adegan tangisan....aku pun terus la mintak maaf kt budak ni.....haish..betul la orang katekan...jgn cepat menghukum..kita ni cepat terlupa, dan jarang bertanya....budak2 pun de masalah sendiri...
Ape yg aku boleh buat lepas aku terkhilaf....minta maaf..aku x perfect...pas aku bantai budak...aku mintak maaf, pas aku marah budak, aku mintak maaf....aku salah tulis kt board, aku minta maaf....aku masuk lambat, aku mintak maaf. Aku xmasuk kelas, aku mintak maaf.....lagipun aku rase lg senang mintak maaf dgn budak dari mintak maaf dgn orang dewasa...coz budak lg menghargai n accepting....
Xde bende yg perfect dalam dunia, n xde bende yg senang...cikgu dgn budak2 bukan robot...semua ade cerita hidup masing2...n ape yg berlaku dalam hidup tu affect our behaviour n our attitude...yg penting kita kena belajar dari kesilapan yg pernah kita buat dan pengalaman yg pernah kita lalui...kite sampai bila2 pun xperfect, sampai bila2 pun akan buat silap...tp alangkah bagusnya...kalau de satu tempat yg kita boleh pergi...yg kita tau..orang xjudge kita...aku jumpe tempat tu kt dalam bilik darjah...so aku berharap sangat bila budak2 ni dah besar nanti...bile diorg igt aku...aku xkisah la diorg nk kate aku ni x pandai mengajar ke, ape ke, janji bile diorg igt aku...diorg kate " Owh...Miss Amy...she treats everybody the same...no matter how good or how bad you are..."