Selfish is the new me....

Selfish is the best to describe me at the moment....I am aware of this changes in me recently....not that i really a caring person before anyway...
Why am I becoming even worse than before? I used to be the type who gives a ride to just about anyone, who willing to lend a hand to people when they are in need, who would be willing to step in to get people out of a deep shit.....but now...something inside me keep telling me...."back off...it has nothing to do with you"...
I really have no idea how people think of me...but I get the feeling..for them, I'm just a selfish stuck up bitch who has low inferiority complex....just nice enough to work with but not nice enough to hang out with....perhaps I'm uptight or I really just don't care or it's my nature to push people away...especially the new acquaintances....
Perhaps aging makes you become less tolerant in bullshits....a friend told me off one day saying "when you spend to much time facebooking, you become absorbed in your own little world and everyone's else doesn't matter.....it's a sign of selfishness...." there's a truth in her words....coz I refuse to have a life outside my own life....to start over with the new friendship...to tolerate more crappy things....perhaps I'm just tired or I just don't want to be a burden or a chain to restrain other people....or perhaps I just don't want to look stupid or illiterate....
For god sake...I'm 28 years old...I love to have fun...and my definition of having fun is going to some concerts and gigs...or just having a fun relaxing healthy outdoor activity..or going to a spa treatment..travelling and exploring new things...that's the way I really am....I'm really a jester...someone who makes stupid jokes...bring some laughter to the people...but everybody knows I'm awkward at socializing...I hate crowds....and now, every one is so busy leading their own life that I have no friend to travel with...to jog with...to go to the beach....
And of course the sight of seeing people whose definition of fun by consuming Irish nectar and party all night make me sick....smoking, drinking or partying are not healthy...although I'm well aware that slothing on my couch and eat whatever is on the fridge is not  healthy too....perhaps that's the reason why I keep my mouth zipped and look the other way...coz I am no better...
I know I should just be honest, be friendlier,be more concern...but I don't have that kind of strength anymore...I know deep inside...everyone is good...but my conscience keep telling me...that it's better for everyone that I'm not involved...that I'm not in the picture at all...
I'm done trying to win people's heart....I did that for more than 3 years....but I still haven't managed to earn a new friend...three years where people only find me when they want to use me....I know things are different here...but something telling me..."If I have no use for them...they won't bother to stay with me...."
I really feel bad for what I did, for things I avoid to do....like giving a ride when the heavy rain falls...not visiting a colleague when they are warded in the hospital...for not comforting when they are in trouble...its bad for my conscience...but good for everybody else..like you don't have to ask me to hang out with you guys for the sake of courtesy....you don't have to cover up anything if I wasn't there....you can breath easy....so it's fine with me....really....