sangat suka handbag...

Teringinnye nak beli handbag mahal2....tp klu duit gaji dah abis ke handbag...nnt xbley lak nk beli mende lain...hai...inilah dilema perempuan bernafsu dgn handbag....baru aku paham perasaan seorang cikgu yg dah berkeluarga bile die tgk aku asik tukar handbag...tp cap cokia je la...level gaji aku stakat mampu beli carlo rino dgn Elle je...Guess pun beli time sale...baru mampu..klu lg atas dari tu..telan air liur je la...unless klu laki kau kaya bagak...bley la jolok poket die...kalau dapat laki same level...pastu ade anak anak ag...terpaksa pendamkan je...keperluan anak anak lebih penting....aku yg single ni pun dah duk berkira...apetah ag diorg....bapak aku pun dh sound...duk umah jgn nk makan pree je....mak aku je yg baik....itupun malu la nk pau...mak dh xkeje...
Kalau diikutkan boleh je aku beli coach ke salvator ferragamo ke Tous ke....tapi pastu....aku duk umah makan maggi je la....pastu jalan kaki g sekolah...sebab duit minyak dah lari kt handbag....
mesti de org kate mendelah minat hndbag...tp diorg pun de mende yg diorg minat....contohnye...diorg sanggup beli overpriced iphone dgn ipad just to show off kt org....kunun hipster la sgt...moden la sgt sebab pakai smartphone...pastu kutuk hanset cokia aku...ade aku kisah..hahaha...Adik aku de cakap dgn ari tu suro share duit belikan mak aku galaxy tab....aku tetiba dok teringat sorang aunty yg aku jumpe mase tgh makan kat restaurant...bawak ipad...pastu die dgn kawan2 senamrobik die duk gelak kuk kik kuk kik...tgk youtube....pastu aku bygkan mak aku dgn mak cik2 aku yg berkumpul tgk youtube tu...fuhhhh....seb baik mak aku xnk...lap top die yg sedia ada ni pun cuma jd fb machine....klu beli galaxy tab....jd youtube machine lak kang...
alalala....dh melalut lak aku....patah balik psl cerita handbag...igt dah kerja....bley la beli segala handbag yg aku ske...rupe2nye...aku jd makin cheapskate....lg takut nk beli....woooo......betul la org kate....belanjakan duit yg kite xcari sendri adalah...the best in the world....

imperfection is me...

So i made you mad with my words
I'm sorry but imperfection is me
So you think I'm bitchy
I'm sorry but imperfection is me
So somehow you get your butt hurt because of what I said
I'm sorry but imperfection is me
So I annoy you with all the nonsense I bring to the table
I'm sorry but imperfection is me
So i may look like an idiot bimbo to you
I'm sorry but imperfection is me

Everyday...we think we know better
Everyday...we think we are the better judge when things happened
Everyday...we think the rest of population are simply morons
Everyday...we think some people are attention whore
Every freaking day....we think these losers need a life

Little did we know...
Imperfection is everyone's privilege....
The hardest things in life is to be nice
towards the people you don't give a damn about...
So be nice to me...and everybody
though it's like letting the needle poking your butt..
and maybe i'll be nice towards the people like me...
and the world will be a greater place for everyone
and the hope for mankind  will still exist

Masalah jiwa kronik?

Neh dah masuk kali keberapa aku mimpi dia neh...ape neh otak??? jgn lah dok wat mende bukan2...kang elok2 xde ape....aku lak yg perasan.......mebi aku ase comfortable dgn die coz die mmg type yg aku suke.....stock suke duk umah...suke masak, pandai mengemas umah, senang nak bawak shopping...bley bergumbira2...x berlagak macho...tp die sangat kuat pegangan diri woo..mcm xde harapan je aku nak control die..and sangat garang......seriously aku takut klu nk tgk die marah.....agak terancam jugak le....aku jarang kena marah dgn lelaki kan...hahaha...pasal tu la diorg blah kot....sebab asek memendam rasa....
Aku dah melebihi suku abad...malas dah nak fikir psl feeling2 nih.....so kepala otak....please jadi waras....don't ruin your friendship dgn mende yg bukan2......jgn bg aku masalah jiwa pulak.....banyak mende lain aku boleh fikir.....elok2 aku ok je....kang pasal mende mcm neh, aku pulak yg melebih2 pikir bukan2...sedangkan orang tu xde ape pun......

resolusi 2012 (mintak2 la dapat)

1.Mahu kurus
2.Mahu kumpul duit banyak-banyak
3.Mahu sambung master
4.Mahu beli rumah
5.Mahu cari pakwe untuk dibuat suami satu hari nnt
6.Mahu belajar pakai tudung lawa2 supaya xnmpk mcm makcik n considering pakai tudung full time....
7.Mahu mengajar dengan lebih bagus
8.Mahu kurangkan stalking orang
9.Mahu jd lagi best
10. Mahu jadi budak baik (damn reprhase perempuan yang lebih elok perangainya....)
11.Mahu buat umrah.....

it takes more than that......

aku dpt sms dari nombor yg xde dlm senarai contact aku...lama aku fikir coz the number seems familiar....the sms is simple...a selamat hari raya wish and a smiley face....n suddenly i feel sick, feels my chest getting cold n makes me want to vomit.....how dare he??????a year has gone by....he left....n just disappear.....an act of a real man.....n he has guts to text me now with d smiley face.....as if that smiley face could make things right...as if that smiley face would wash away my heart ache....as if that smiley face will help mending my broken self....
I used to wish that he will come around n grow up.....my god...we have lived for more than quarter century....he should have known better how to make things ok.....the adult way.....pretending everything is alright after a year of disappearance is not cool....sending a cowardly sms with a smiley face can't erase the fact that i'm too disappointed with him....
he's too weak to even settle the score, too weak to tell the truth, to weak to even stand up for himself.....n i feel angry.....he should know better....he suppose to stay invisible if he still think like a child....my love has withered n my respect is gone....n i wonder WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING??????
it ruins my day 100%.....even when a boy i know said i'm still hot despite the fact that i'm gaining weight.....can't help make me happy....thanks for letting me know i could never count on you for everything....including apologizing like a man......

The gray area in relationship...(the ugly side of me)

kadang2 rasa frustrated bila orang asik mempertikaikan hubungan aku dengan mana-mana orang....why does things have to be black and white?...kenapa aku xbley backing orang yg aku xsuka? kenapa aku xbley kawan dgn lelaki yg ade awek? kenapa aku mesti buat baik dgn kawan aku sepanjang masa? hahahahaha.....
Aku suka buat prank.....itu satu perangai yg memang xbley nk buang......so kadang2 prank aku sgt jahat dan nmpk seperti aku melakukan pembulian....so sorry ida n aesha....korang adalah mangsa tegar aku......walaupun aku suka diorg...tp part diorg yg annoying tu mmg jd element penting untuk aku bahan diorg.....but it's part n parcel in friendship.....klu xde ejek2 mmg xsah la....contohnye aishah dgn izzah suka bertekak depan public....hahaha....n people say it's childish....but that's friendship....plus hanna and jahwati dgn ayat2 makan dalam tahap super saiya yg aku sendri xbley achieve level nye.....i should be offended n despise them for lashing me right in front of my face.....but they are being themselves...n everybody knows what they say is the ugly truth....n i miss ayat makan dalam jahwati so much now...coz she's like my other tongue....n aku rindu ida coz i'm so freaking miss hugging her.....n i miss it when she plays with my hair....n my hair is my kryptonite.....not all people can touch it..... I only allow three of my acquaintances to touch my hair....(my exes doesn't count in this equation)....2 of them are male...and Ida.....if you get to touch my hair...that means i grow fond of you n i will act like a child in front of you.....there are three persons that no matter how hard i try to be adult in front of them...it won't work.....i switch to being a kid.....n for those two male acquaintances.....i love them as much as i love my big brother if I ever have one....mcm cerita animation disney brother bear...itulah feeling aku kat diorg....n for ida...seriously aku jeles n menyampah dgn laki die...coz aku rase die mcm merampas ida dari aku....hahahahaha.....sort of like siblings rivalry nk attention dari mak......
n aku suka mamas sebab aku suka die....sometimes dia delusional...but aku pun same gak.....n shikin n fatiha n shida.....so what klu pernah bergaduh n back stab each other...at least aku pernah suka diorg n aku masih suka diorg....aku suka fatiha buat lawak sadis, aku suka kacau shida...aku suka bila shikin bukak cerita gosip....sungguh resourceful...until aku kena batang hidung sendri...but that's friendship rite...klu elok je all the time.....you must be faking it.....totally faking it......
N salahke kalau aku kawan dgn budak lelaki....aku anggap kawan lelaki aku mcm adik beradik sendri...aku xpernah fikir buruk pasal mereka...tp bila mereka sudah ada awek....aku pulak rasa tension bila awek mereka fikir yg bukan2....n i wonder...kalau aku mahu sgt dgn bf kamu....aku sudah ngorat dari dulu bah....before u get into the picture...n why so serious?????? aku xmahu dia....sebab itu aku kawan saja sama dia....if I really ade hati sama mereka...i would tell them straight on the face...jom couple....aku xmain la mende2 bullshit seperti teman tp mesra neh.....or mengacau bf orang coz aku syok kt mereka.....xkuasa...xde kellasssss la klu aku wat gitu....klu betul aku syok kt milik org lain...dgn segala hormat dan penuh jati diri nye aku blah dari muka mamat tu....x sudi ok.....ego aku lebih tinggi....
damn....aku bukan player pun...out of five relationships...2 kali aku kena dump, sekali pakwe aku curang...so do the math...either aku memang xbest...or aku mmg awek yg hampeh....so issue aku flirt dgn lelaki2 mcm mustahil kedengaran......i'm not some freaking mindless bimbo who would go out just with anybody.......I'm a snob....I'm hateful.....boys avoid me...n it suits me just fine...
Coz aku sgt jahat dgn lelaki yg aku xminat...ko sms aku...aku delete...ko pm aku kt ym, aku remove.....ko nk chat dgn aku kt fb....aku offline kan diri aku....ko call....jgn harap aku angkat....n i won't even bother to comment your status on fb.....or klu ko jumpe aku dpn2 pun aku akan cakap aku busy...so xde mase nk borak....n plus klu ko seorg yg poyo gile babi n ade masalah inferiority complex..n bercakap tentang bende2 emo dgn aku..i will tell you straight on the face "ye...aku x suke ko sebab ko xbest, xensem,xkaye, n xde degree, xde master, xde phd, xde kereta, gaji kecik.....i could go on forever...so don't ever try to patronize me with your silly defensive acts....
but.....sebab aku buat bende2 macam nih la....memjadikan aku lebih yakin yg aku xkan gatal2 nk ngorat budak lelaki...hohoho....even though aku mungkin ade crush dekat dia......but i don't dare to try....biasela...buat baik di balas baik, buat jahat di balas jahat....bt one thing for sure....i won't fake things to make you feel better.....so hate me...despise me....mak ok jer....
n aku paling xsuka bile org kate kt aku "ko bukan xsuke ke minah tu...nape ko backing die pulak?"...perlukah aku meletakkan emosi pada benda yg xde kene mengena dgn emosi......ia seperti menyuruh aku jgn kesiankan nora danish yg diceraikan sewaktu tgh mengandung...whatever personal feud aku ada dgn seseorg tu...xbermaksud aku akan menghentam dia dari semua sudut...sedangkan kawan aku sendri kadang2 tikam au dari belakang...so my enemy would do otherwise...they are not that bad all the time...walaupun aku menyampah dgn cik M tentang pembawaan karakter berlagak mangsa dia...but I have to respect the fact...die  xdela kurang ajar sgt dgn aku pun....or bila org kutuk another miss M about things yg outrageous...aku pun rage jugak....coz i don't think she should be treated that way....especially the remarks comes from someone yg lebih kurang je dgn die....sgt tak tgk muka kt cermin ok.....
That's why aku rasa dlm relationship banyak gray area...relationship xde kena mengena dgn lelaki atau perempuan, betul atau salah, kawan atau lawan.....it consists of everything.... not just this and that....

talking crap....rage.......

I love Thursday.....the only day in a week that i don't have to rush to the class, updating my lp or teach anything......and some teachers say......nape amy bley dpt free period the whole day......anda jeles????? and ade saya kisah......every day except friday.....aku rushing masuk klass....makan x sempat, kadang2 LP pun xsempat buat......sekali masuk satu kelas 3 period.....dari start sekolah sampai balik.....break cuma waktu rehat.....but i don't go around bitching about someone's leisure time...bley lepak kt kantin sejam dua......so fair and square la.....
about 3 weeks ago, aku accident....xdela fatal pun....tp kereta aku ranap la gak.....n some of my friends know what leads to that accident.....not enough rest......almost every week.......aku g kursus....klu dekat2 xpe...n kalau sehari dua pun xpe...ini jauh2..tempoh lak ade yg sampai seminggu....kdg2 kursus yg xde kena mengena dgn aku...bile aku ngadu dgn guru besar....guru besar ckp ayat stereotype...."xpe la amy, awak muda ag....blom kawin ag....xde tanggungjawab"....dang.....n kerja kt sekolah aku terbengkalai satu2......terpaksa la pulak aku stayback......nak menyiapkan kerja2 kt sekolah. mak aku pun sound2 aku.....pehal aku asik g kursus...pastu x balik kl sampai sebulan dua....klu call lak asik tgh kursus.....hampeh....
Aku xtau la aku neh masuk dalam kategori mangsa buli ke kat sekolah aku....coz physically aku xrasa dibuli....hohoho....emotionally pun x.....tp professionally ade la sket2......sesama panitia bahasa inggeris aku ok jer...n aku bley accept lebihan kerja...coz dari awal tahun mmg dah ada rangka pengurusan for each english teacher...so the work xbertindih2.....n since aku baru n i am one of two optionist in the school, so byk benda aku kena take over (kpm punye requirement)...they want optionist teacher for every program and dasar baru yang diorg jalankan....so aku pun terpaksa di kambing hitamkan...but being a new teacher with responsibility is suck.....you can't just earn respect overnight.....bile aku jd JU sppk......n nk update file....aku xbley simply memekak n suro cikgu2 update file diorg.....they are older than me......setiap kali aku nk buat in-house training, aku rasa macam pengemis masa coz every one pun asik busy.....pas sekolah xbley....nak anta anak sekolah agama....time sekolah xbley....kacau waktu pnp....ari sabtu xbley.....sebab setiap ari sabtu pun ade aktiviti...klu wat in house.....bile ag nak break....sudahnye...bile org datang pantau....mulalah keluar ayat sengal "mintak maaf, kami xtau....kami xdimaklumkan pun pasal perkara ini" my FOOT!!!!!....n pasal filing.....aku punye fail pun berlambak2.....pastu kena jaga fail orang lain pulak.....asik nk remind2 org, "update file"...."update file"...."bulan neh mesti key in at satu assessment"..."portfolio guru tolong update"...penat la wes.......jgn la lepas tangan....klu org dtg....xde la malu sangat....nnt name aku yg buruk....sekolah ade JU.....tp ade cikgu yg xupdate file.......
Selama ni, ape yg aku bg korang buat pekasam kan....lesson plan punye template dh berkulat dalam file ko..xpernah nk tgk....bile kena observe n lp ko salah buat....ko kate xdpt format LP baru......kat aku juga ko tuding jari....cd dah jd pekasam...xbukak2....n bile ppd/jpnj/lpm datang tanye....ko bley buat don't know cakap.....saya tak tau apa2....sedangkan cd ko xpernah buka.....aku kdg2 rasa sengal dgn cikgu2 yg macam neh......
baru jap td aku kena bebel dgn mat salleh sorang neh (mentor native speaker) pasal time table sekolah aku yg macam WTF.....semua cikgu asik busy je.....bukan la aku nk cakap ape....aku perasan kt sekolah aku....cikgu BI working like an ass.....non stop......so aku xdelah rasa diri aku dimangsakan sangat.coz semua cikgu bi pun gitu...tp mebi guru besar aku rasa....cikgu bi lg reliable wat kerja kot....so semua benda campak kt cikgu bi....n JPNJ yg baik hati selalu jalankan program2 AKADEMIK yg kadang2 xberapa produktif juga menyumbang kepada kesuntukan masa guru bi di sekolah.....yg mat salleh ni pun xbley la nak samekan sk dgn sjk......di sjk subjek bi ade 5 period je.....unlike sk yg ade 10 period seminggu..itu baru satu kelas......belum 3 ke 4 ke lagi.....
Memandangkan aku sendri pun asik kena perli dgn mat salleh ni sebab diri aku yg macam chipsmore...aku kdg2 sengal n ase mcm nk bergaduh pulak dgn die.....frankly speaking....aku suke gile g kursus native speaker.....coz aku bujang n xde life kt sini.....but aku bukan majoriti....so aku have to go with the flow...n klu aku ade kerja lain n xde masa nk melepak dgn dia sejam dua talking about non-related stuffs......bear with it la....xkan la sebab aku jd penyelaras kursus zon senggarang...aku kena mengadap muka die je....dh la aku sengal bile ade cikgu xdtg....pastu xreti2 nk bg surat kursus ke, mc ke, ape ke.....gua malas mintak la beb..bg sendri bley x...aku malas nk mengkantoikan org bile ppd mintak report..n malas nk menipu utk diorg......neh sampai teacher's log aku pun orang sapu xpulang2....nk copy n paste activity.....what shit.....teacher's log isi sendri la....itu pun nk tiru ke???? warghhhh....aku rage gile.....asal semua org makin pemalas neh.....n aku lak yg kena bancuh.....aku budak baru....ko nak suruh aku sound cikgu yg lagi berapa tahun nak bersara....gile ape.......mat salleh nih....ade gak yg kena dgn aku ni kang......
Seriously,aku xbermasalah mengajar n aku suka masuk kelas....tp bila aku masuk bilik guru....aku jd sengal....sebab tu aku asik lari g bilik komputer....aku tgk cikgu2 neh main lepas tangan je...or main pass pass kerja......pastu dh xde sape nk..dh la relief liat nk masuk....jap g aku la kena panggil gb..kene suro itu ini...fed up....fed up......kalau la xdisebabkan aku nak transfer KL nnt dalam keadaan reputasi yg baik....ingin juga aku rage....macam kursus ari tu.....konon xde sape yg bley g...cuma aku je yg bley g....tetibe aku accident....bley lak carik org ganti aku....klu wat awal2 kn senang....xde la aku accident....menyampah......
sebenarnya....aku dah xlarat dah duk sini.......aku nk transfer balik kl...nk carik pakwe org kl.....nk bersosial seperti manusia normal di kl....aku kt sini dah macam kera sumbang....rakan sebaya cuma minah 3 org itu yg duduk jauh2 dari aku.I'm not a mak cik friendly person....klu g kenduri....aku ase macam lost......nak duk dgn budak2...aku dah besar....nk duk dgn makcik2.....hapah aku xpaham menda diorg cakap.....nk duk dgn pakcik2 kang kena baling kasut lak.....but klu duk dgn pakcik.....skop perbualan luas sket...cakap pasal handphone baru, laptop baru, website mane nk download lagu,cakap pasal tempat2 menarik di Malaysia, camne nk travel g sini, tempat makan mane b;ey singgah kat sini, jln shortcut ade ktne, cakap pasal isu semasa, bla bla bla......klu duk dgn makcik....mesti cakap pasal anak, pasal menantu, pasal kerja, pasl dah kawin ke blom, pasal langsir, pasal pinggan mangkuk, ngumpat jiran sebelah rumah aku....bla bla bla......damn.....aku suka duk umah je, bace komik, makan, main game......kat batu pahat aku tidak boleh menjalankan lifestyle aku yg cenggini.....aku nk balik woooo.......