wake up call

Last week a friend called me...and we talked for more than one hour...i let out all my negative feelings....she actually got me coz she felt the same....the difference is now i have to face it everyday...and her...once in a while....but somehow...because of my failure to actually handle the issue in adult like manner...i become a jerk....and act like everyone out there is my enemy...and shield myself away from them, my paranoia level is quite high.....
Looking back, it's really about some small issues...but they keep on piling up little by little and bite me every second...and of course people don't get it.... I've been avoiding talking about the issues although it is generally known to others because i thought it is not my problem....i never consider it my problem until it comes to me straight in the face....so one thing leads to another, had a first person view over some incidents....people are losing it....and it will be a matter of time before i follow suit too....
Unlike before, this time i can't just avoid it...my choice are either to swallow until the time bomb ticks to zero...or talk it out like an adult....either way, i will definitely lose it...this friend of mine talked about stuffs, the more i think of them, and the more i reflect everything....it really bugs me....unlike her, i don't have a privilege to stay away....sooner or later i have to deal with it....the problem is...how to be nice when doing it..
I admit i'm arrogant and a bit show off....me and my bimboness...can't be separated....but somehow, seeing others and not be judgemental is hard....when do we know that we cross the line from judging to just be rude and looking down to people because we think we are better than others?....coz sometimes i do talk shit about other people....therefore i have no right to call other person as arrogant....but certain behavior, when it's repeated often enough, wears me out....
I get a lot of reminder these days about the way I act and react to my surrounding, to say that i'm not mad....is bullshit....it is a known fact i'm not very good in the "taking advice when i don't need them" department... it's suffocating....and i do bitch to the wrong people...resulting to exhausting them with my whine when the real issues remain unsolved. and I hate myself for doing that...i wish i have the guts to just say stuff like "why don't you try to look at yourself in the mirror? i ain't perfect...and you neither...." to somebody and shake her to wake her up....but probably, it's me who still asleep....
but when your words start to hurt people who close to you, who once or still your friend because you thought you are way above them..and your way of seeing things is right and other people are either deluded or wrong....it's just so damn arrogant....friends are the last people you need to prove yourself to...coz a good friend is a friend who'll accept you for who you are...once you've cross the line and hurt them...what's left?? it's easier to make new friends, to mingle with the coolest crowd...but the fact remains, after lots of years....you want to forsake the great friendship just to fill your life with the current one..i could never fathom things like that.....things change, priorities change, it's good to live in the present...but when the friendship seems forced....and you just don't care anymore, why do you feel the need to stay and hurt others...
it reminds me of primary school friends, some of them i wouldn't mind hanging out....and being silly with while some i prefer not to see even their shadow....but to say that i favor them less than my secondary school friends or university friends is absurd...friends are friends...and you have to respect them and put them on equal value....when you feel that the friendship doesn't work, it's time to take the exit and move on....don't hurt them, just stay away...i feel hurt...but i don't care shit about small stuff, but others feel hurt too....and thinking back the way i hurt my friends...sometimes once in a while i do apologize to them..whatever disputes we have with each other, at the end of the day...it's best to apologize and move on with our life....
So, i really don't know how to put it into words...it's a wake up call for me too....I too am guilty as others...but when lots of people been complaining about it, and i got the heat of what's going on and it's burning me too..i ain't perfect and full of weaknesses .does that mean i have to keep my mouth shut and pretend it ain't my problem any longer.....when i feel an urge to slap somebody at the face so that she can see the reality...the real and not the fake reality that she claims to know a lot.....i guess we do need a wake up call...