Only today I realize when talking to my mom about how few our relatives are..if we visit them all...it only takes one day to make a round..somehow I miss my grandma...she died during the fasting month back in 2009 because of cancer..I remember crying every time I feel so tired taking care of her..taking turn with my mom and my aunt..I got the night, my aunt got the day and my mom got the weekend. for months, I drove to the hospital at the evening and came back early in the morning...My car all covered with the bird poo and it caused me to cry again..every time I came late, and it's time for her to change the diaper..she would start scolding me, and I cried again..in time like that, it reminds me of my friend who has to go through the same situation for a long period of time..and she get through it just fine..deep inside I wish I could be as strong as her..still admire her for that..for the hardship she had to go through..things always work out for her in the end...Looking back, I'm glad i took care of my grandma during her time of sickness...sometimes I think for everything I received today, I owe it to her bless..Well, me and mom always fight...and I always have doubt if something were to happen, would I be able to care for her...like she cared for me when I was hospitalized for whatever reasons..It kinda give her a headache though..huhu..Well, I just want to be healthy again..so that she wouldn't have to worry so much that she has to spend another hour in the hospital taking care of me or facing the possibility that I would die before her...LOL...I'm so drama queen...
Well, sigh.....it's kinda hurt to say this without butthurting people's feeling...but I don't really feel the same enthusiasm when it comes to Raya...I don't even know if I have a baju raya for this year...(lol...usually my mom would prepare me one)...but I do not see anything hanging on my clothes shelf yet...lol...and I don't want to ask coz when you are 28, it's sounds so ridiculous to ask for a baju raya from my mom...but whatever, I have enough stock of baju kurung...and it's just one day celebration in which i would spent most of the time watching tv..and eat the stuffed rice and chicken curry in front the TV...kinda wish i could eat groundnut sauce though...or some lemang with beef rendang...yeah I better buy them later...it's kind of funny to think, that one of my foreigner friends ask me if I could bring him some raya dishes...and I was like, hahaha...well, I could try to buy them later and he asked...your mom doesn't make those things meh? it makes me laugh...Well, in my mom's defense...she's a good cook...but what's the point of cooking too much..when nobody will eat them...I guess, we are the family who prefer to eat out together rather than to dine home together...we dine home eating normal every day food...for something fancy and intricate..no need to go to such hassle...just TAPAU...
Well, if I happen to live alone again, i would have to start cooking my own food then...I love making desert, fruit salad, fruit juice...anything sweet anything fruity...damn...I want to buy a juicer, a microwave, an oven, a rice cooker, a Tefal pan, a Wok, a pot....a toaster....whatever...I still don't like cooking though..but I want to try....
Dang I'm impressed at my ability to digress from the real topic...
Monday, August 5, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I DON'T CARE IF PEOPLE WANT TO BE MAD AT ME FOR SAYING THIS...BUT I HAD ENOUGH...
I don't know whether I could be blunt and say it publicly...I did some reading and asked around some Syrian friends about what actually happen there...what is it that actually happens..these people are the liberals, the minority in Syria..most of them says, people were killed everyday in the name of religion..but everyone knows...it's the greatest lie...it's just two power hungry group of people battling each other and use religion to justify their battle...in the name of Allah..Sigh...well for me,everything is so puzzling..things start with a single spark of cruelty towards children..and suddenly you have a full-fledged militia armed with highly sophisticated weaponry and gadgets rebelling against the govt. Russia backed the govt. while US backed the rebel..Russia warned US not to interfere or else Israel won't be safe..Russia teamed up with Iran stand behind Assad..and suddenly Assad has Hezbollah inside his pocket too....and US, despite not earning a mandate from UN...keep supplying the weapon to the rebel..in Egypt..Morsi was overthrown..the Christian in Egypt had enough..after 2 years..nothing changed much...apparently a Muslim country don't work so well with them..Morsi backed Palestinian up and sourcing help to the rebel in Syria.this need money and it's understandable why some of the Egyptian especially the non-Muslim got so fed up..Egypt is under crisis..the money is not enough to feed it's own citizens...back in Syria, the civil war keep on rampaging..out of the blue it the battle between the rebel vs the govt. turn into the battle between syiah and Sunni....things becoming fucked up and messy...it reminds me of my Indonesian friend's words...In indonesia alone there are more than 70 sects for Muslim..everyone is fighting about which version is better, which people is imbecile, which group will get the ticket to heaven but few remember that they do share the same God...that very same God..Allah...Allah is Omnipotent, Allah doesn't need to be defended, Allah love everyone just the same as long as the person recognize that Allah is the god..the powerful and the merciful..in Syria..the tension rise because of a political battle between two parties who put greed above everything else...they use religion because it is the easiest way to manipulate people's emotion..but people of religion..while you are so busy cursing...and hurling insult, pray for god to punish the imbecile..few ponders...is life of religion about fighting and violence...during the dark ages we learnt that religion keep people in the dark..the people with higher power, filled with greed,claiming to have a special relationship with god, abused the religion for their own benefit, Many people died...from the cruelty of the Church or fighting in the war defending the god...after the church is overthrown..and renaissance era surfaced...people still have fear and they do not wish for another dark ages...they realize the religion is flawed because the human is flawed...be it Sunni or Syiah...both sides has it's flaw...people grew up believing that their faith is the absolute...but who knows anymore...Islam is the youngest book based religion...it doesn't even reach 2000 years old...that's how young it is compared to other religion...but within the short period of time..things got screwed up and now it seems like there are hundreds or thousands version of Islam...who screwed Islam up? Us....it's not others...it's us..we accept everything feed to us..we don't even question...we put the holy man above everything else...his words are our mantra...we make the ustaz become the celebrity..we approve of the ustaz although some of his words doesn't make sense...we are the lamb craving for our messiah..our shepherd to show us the right way...so quick to believe, so quick to put our trust into..use your head and ask yourself "Does it matter whether it's Syiah or Sunni? if I can't be a good human being? did we not look at ourselves in the mirror and reflect? what's the point of being a Sunni if I agreed on spilling blood...What's the point of being a Syiah if I kill people...? the war can be avoided not only if we have the same version of Islam...but the war can be avoided if we put a priority of being a human first before everything else...I fear that one day the same thing will happen in Malaysia...I fear that one of my brothers and sisters will put a gun on my head just because I might see and understand things differently..why the hate? after all we do share the same god...let Allah decide this...and we as human beings just do our job to worship Allah...in ways we think is the right way...
your real enemy couldn't care less about religion..your enemy only cares about making money and saving their asses...while we are busy fighting each other and left behind economically and intellectually...they raking money profiting from our battle against each other...I went to the Al:Arqam restaurant and eat the food from the table...they may have different ways of worshiping Allah but the food they serve on the table is as good as any Malay Sunni, they might have more than one wife, but they treated me respectfully ...they might be what people called deviant...but these deviants, despite being isolated and banned in their own country...actually owned Malay Restaurant Franchise all over the world...and nobody seems to notice..I've met people from different sect than me...who treated me good...I've faced mistreatment from people who share the same sect as me...it makes me realise, whether to be good or to be an asshole...you don't need to be in a certain religion or a certain sect..it's all up to you...
your real enemy couldn't care less about religion..your enemy only cares about making money and saving their asses...while we are busy fighting each other and left behind economically and intellectually...they raking money profiting from our battle against each other...I went to the Al:Arqam restaurant and eat the food from the table...they may have different ways of worshiping Allah but the food they serve on the table is as good as any Malay Sunni, they might have more than one wife, but they treated me respectfully ...they might be what people called deviant...but these deviants, despite being isolated and banned in their own country...actually owned Malay Restaurant Franchise all over the world...and nobody seems to notice..I've met people from different sect than me...who treated me good...I've faced mistreatment from people who share the same sect as me...it makes me realise, whether to be good or to be an asshole...you don't need to be in a certain religion or a certain sect..it's all up to you...
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I fell in love with Tyrion Lannister.
I fell in love with Tyrion Lannister since the first time he opens his mouth...can it at least be a reference on what I see in guys....he ain't perfect but he's perfect for me...Sansa might not love him....but she's happy when she's with him..we don't necessarily have to fall in love head over heels over the person in order to be with them...or blinded by the physical characteristics they portray...I admire guys with brain whom feel empathetic towards the mistreated and at the same time cruel towards his equally cruel enemy...knowing his own limit at the same time still fearless knowing his death is looming..treated woman with respect and love them still, although he's facing countless betrayal in the past an will be again betrayed in the future..
He has no intention to sit on the iron throne because he's too bright to understand the throne is equal to early death..He knows fully well if it's not for his heritage and his father's wealth, he will die long ago abandoned on some street. He survives on his wits, but stay true to himself and never stab anyone on the back despite the fact that for countless times he was stabbed, hurt and slayed to near death. He possesses the mind of a snake yet ain't a coward when faced with a challenge..he talk his way out of his tough spot and has his way of kindness towards people with misfortune.
He enjoys his short time as a king's hand and playing witty games with his side-kick, at the same time he's not greedy to want more. He always thinking ahead, and most of the time keep a level head and using his brain to weed out betrayers. Unlike his father, he plays his card clean and avoid spilling senseless blood.
He accepts the fact that born in a family which thirst for power so strong and so cruel, he has to face so many hatred and insult from his family's enemy...yet, when people scorn him or treated him coldly because of his heritage, he bear no hatred and from time to time, defying is own father with sharp remarks talking in favor of his family's enemy.
He's the type who embrace his shortcoming, swallowing it with sadness silently and tuck it gently in the corner of his heart. He has a big heart. He's respectful towards Sansa and loves Shae so dearly. And when he meets Penny...he feel the same sort of solidarity. I just wish, he has his perfect ending at the end of Game of Thrones, perhaps become the king's hand for Daenerys when she's crowned as the rightful heir for the throne..
He has no intention to sit on the iron throne because he's too bright to understand the throne is equal to early death..He knows fully well if it's not for his heritage and his father's wealth, he will die long ago abandoned on some street. He survives on his wits, but stay true to himself and never stab anyone on the back despite the fact that for countless times he was stabbed, hurt and slayed to near death. He possesses the mind of a snake yet ain't a coward when faced with a challenge..he talk his way out of his tough spot and has his way of kindness towards people with misfortune.
He enjoys his short time as a king's hand and playing witty games with his side-kick, at the same time he's not greedy to want more. He always thinking ahead, and most of the time keep a level head and using his brain to weed out betrayers. Unlike his father, he plays his card clean and avoid spilling senseless blood.
He accepts the fact that born in a family which thirst for power so strong and so cruel, he has to face so many hatred and insult from his family's enemy...yet, when people scorn him or treated him coldly because of his heritage, he bear no hatred and from time to time, defying is own father with sharp remarks talking in favor of his family's enemy.
He's the type who embrace his shortcoming, swallowing it with sadness silently and tuck it gently in the corner of his heart. He has a big heart. He's respectful towards Sansa and loves Shae so dearly. And when he meets Penny...he feel the same sort of solidarity. I just wish, he has his perfect ending at the end of Game of Thrones, perhaps become the king's hand for Daenerys when she's crowned as the rightful heir for the throne..
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
You are who you are...no matter where you are...(My experience in Germany) may contain adult materials...
This will be the last week I'm in Germany...well...since I was here...I only manage to have one post that has nothing to do with living in Germany...
So, now that I'm not so busy coz I've finished my internship..I would like to post something about my experience here...
I'm having a great time, I gain my self confidence back (something that is deprived of me when I was in Malaysia) I travel a lot within these two months...and even some of the Germans and Malaysian friends who have been in Germany for a longer time than me said "Damn Amy, even I never been to that place yet..."
Do I gain friends here...YES.. how do I know them? Some I know from the couch surfing sites, some from the contact I got from the officers at MATRADE, some from the trade fair, some from the people I know from Gelegenheit or the people that I'm sharing the train ride with..there are mixture of males and females...
They show me around and ask me to hang out with them when they don't have a class, just finish their work, or simply ask me to travel with them....do I trust them 100%? No...but I was taught since the early age, that God will protect me, if I rely on God for protection...
I've met some bad fruits, some guys openly ask me to share the bed with them which I refuse...some are hot as hell...but I do remember that they just want to get between my legs because I'm something exotic for them...the fun will be over once they get what they want...but I also gain number of friends whom are honest, doing a good job protecting me and very respectful...after all, it's all depends on the type of crowd you are joining...I do hang out with them at the bar, while they are drinking a beer and vodka...I drink lemonade or cola...we talk about lots of stuff...they asked " Is the reason you don't consume a liquor because you area Muslim?" which I reply politely.."It's my personal choice..I like to be in control all the time, and liquor would cloud my judgement.." nodding politely, and they will reply "I've met many Muslim women who drinks liquor like water.." which I replied "I'm not so uptight because I'm a Muslim...but that's who I am...I like to be in control because I freak out easily when I'm not in a position of control..it's a habit that is difficult to get rid of...if I were born in any other religion, my view about life is still the same...i still don't consume alcohol...or if I happen to be brought up in the culture that consume liquor as parts of their daily life..I still won't enjoy drinking very much..." they will ask question "but if you never try, you never know how much you like them..?" to this question I answer "I'm not so innocent goody two shoe type of girl who see the different world from afar and judge...I do have experience testing and sampling some of the liquids...and I'm not fond of what it feels to my tongue, my throat and my stomach...I'm quite practical about things that I consume..although sometimes I eat a lot of junks food...but junk food take a longer side effect than booze or drugs...and I don't think I'm capable of controlling myself when I'm drunk..plus I don't want to be an idiot for whatever things I would do later...and regretting it when I woke up in the morning.."
Well, I don't expect number of them will be my friends in the long run due to my uptight self or innocence...but they do stay, when we are not hanging out at the bar, we walk at the park, have barbecues, they let me crash their couches and very respectful about boundaries..and so far they kind of accepting about keeping things platonic. Sometimes we exchange stories and views about relationship...they said they do get lonely, they need someone to talk to, someone who just willing to listen...some people chose to have NSA relationship in order to fill the hole inside their heart but not all man thinking about it all the time...men are vulnerable too..like woman, they are afraid of being abandoned and jilted...that's why they act like a pig most of the times....
So I ask question from time to time, will they simply sleep with any woman? most answer "If the girl wanted to...there's always a sign..we can read the body language, although man can be stupid when it comes to reading woman...but when sex involve...they are quick to decipher the code...well, if you meet a girl for the first time or twice, and their bodies are leaning towards you most of the time, touching you here and there. Wearing a revealing clothes and allow you to ogle their cleavages...don't tell me that they just want to have coffee.." hahaha..this reminds me of my friend...she wrote in her book, I don't remember her exact quote..but I get the gist...one of the quickest way for the guy to decide if the girl is fuckable is by using this method.. the guy will try to feed the girl with food...any food will do, if the girl is willing to open their mouth in order to be fed by the guy....then BAMM...the guy will get the signal that the girl is willing to open their mouth for things other than food too..So girls, if he's not your boyfriend, or you just met...pick the food with your own hands, or chopstick, or spoon politely from them...and shove the food down your throat by yourself in order not to send the wrong signal...
Sometimes I have a talk with my landlady...she's a Malay woman who have been in Germany nearly 30 years...she moved here from Malaysia after getting her SPM result at the age of 17,married a German guy at the age of 28...change her citizenship to German and now working at MATRADE...she practically more German than Malaysian anyway...she lives in German longer than she lives in Malaysia...she had some crazy days in the past...she once young and when you are alone...lots of things can happen..but she always keep in mind that..I bring with me my parents reputation...what I am is the image of education they've given me..although they are not here, although I think I'm a grownup who can take care of my own affair...but if something happen...it's towards them that I have to turn to...I am who I am...and no matter where I go...that's the way I will bring myself...
I smirk a little thinking that...some of my friends that without even have to go to foreign land, they already embracing the foreign culture in their very own land..sometimes act more foreign than the foreigner themselves....talking about culture shock...
I share stories about my experience going to the spa with my landlady and with my two Malaysian friends...one who also has the experience going and liking it so much (duhhh....guys...) and one who never been there yet...and I feel like a child when most people laugh at me in Germany due to my awkwardness...not going to elaborate on that.....and my landlady proudly said "You are a grown up now...here is my present to you" she placed a kain batik sarong for me to wear in the sauna on my lap....one reason is because I could pass out wearing a bath robe in a sauna...and second is to remind me that, I can still bring my Malayness even in the German sauna room...
Do I get to know someone special here? YES....but I'm not going to publicize what's going on, because after 5 failed relationship...I learn to be careful not to be open about it and not to share it with the public...but all i can say...after number of times hanging out...he's respectful enough not to ask me to drink with him and made sure to order lemonade or Ingwer (ginger) beer for me,he doesn't smoke or he never try to ask me to be in bed with him (perhaps he's gay hahaha..my friend seems to think so) I dare not venture the path of inquiring him about that coz I don't want to ruin the innocence feeling that I have about him and although I 'm not the most pious girl on the planet I would like to keep my virginity intact for my future husband...(yeah, you can smirk too..I allow it)...and sometimes he accompanies me to take a look around, ,to hang out at the parks,, sometimes visiting church...(he's an avid fan of church tourism) and proudly claim that he has been to more than 500 churches (if i'm not mistaken) all over the world...OK, for this part...I feel shameful with myself...well, considering that I'm not an avid fan of mosque tourism...i do feel inadequate...be not afraid, he's not into some cult or anything, he just love the architecture and the norms of different churches...which I have to admit...most of the buildings are very beautiful...He is still studying, and the future is still far ahead...and I still have my own life to lead....he gives me a confidence to get me back to where I used to...and I'm thankful for him....I don't want to be greedy and expecting more considering I'll be going back to Malaysia anyway...but we promise to keep in contact...i just leave things at the hands of GOD...
So over all, I've grown up a bit and I'm becoming less rigid, more trusting towards people...and I gain my self-confidence..some of friends I knew here actually said "Amy, you blend in perfectly...you are in every aspect a German..from the tight assed attitude, sharp remarks and the face that clearly disapprove of anything that doesn't go with your standard...." and some give remarks "You have the vulnerable look that people feel obliged to protect until you open your mouth and say something....it drives an arrow to people's heart..make people want to hug you and choke you at the same time"
My high school friend who has been here for more than 4 years and now residing in London told me that he feel a strange calmness in Germany...every time the plane touches the ground he can't help but smiling by himself...he will go back to Malaysia for good after a year in London...and he said, some part of him stays in Germany...life is hard, and you get to be very lonely but you learn to adapt, people are not too keen to look at you differently, they don't judge, and although you are alone in the crowd and got lost...there are always people who reach out their hands for you..you just have to be trustful and accept the good...and the working environment, the labor law...are superbly amazing...except for the 46% income tax and 19% VAT.which I think is fair because the locals and the expats are treated the same and paid the same..people keep asking me "how much the pay the expats get in Malaysia?" and I will tell them "more than what the local would dream of getting." Malaysia is the heaven for the expats...high pay, low income tax, accommodation benefits, transport benefits...so if you are a foreigner..and want to have the taste of Malaysia...be an expat..we are always accepting...just don't be a typical expats who spent most of their time hanging out at the bukit bintang or hartamas area...allow yourself to be bitten my mosquitoes, travel the wild, taste some belacan and experience what diarrhea feels like when you eat the street food, and feel the ultimate dizziness when you take the bus or the train with air-condition as cold as the Antarctica...when the temp. outside is close to 40 degrees....other than that....life's awesome....
Do I change? I don't know...I do feel changed...but I'm not a good judge of my own character...I let you be the judge of that....
So, now that I'm not so busy coz I've finished my internship..I would like to post something about my experience here...
I'm having a great time, I gain my self confidence back (something that is deprived of me when I was in Malaysia) I travel a lot within these two months...and even some of the Germans and Malaysian friends who have been in Germany for a longer time than me said "Damn Amy, even I never been to that place yet..."
Do I gain friends here...YES.. how do I know them? Some I know from the couch surfing sites, some from the contact I got from the officers at MATRADE, some from the trade fair, some from the people I know from Gelegenheit or the people that I'm sharing the train ride with..there are mixture of males and females...
They show me around and ask me to hang out with them when they don't have a class, just finish their work, or simply ask me to travel with them....do I trust them 100%? No...but I was taught since the early age, that God will protect me, if I rely on God for protection...
I've met some bad fruits, some guys openly ask me to share the bed with them which I refuse...some are hot as hell...but I do remember that they just want to get between my legs because I'm something exotic for them...the fun will be over once they get what they want...but I also gain number of friends whom are honest, doing a good job protecting me and very respectful...after all, it's all depends on the type of crowd you are joining...I do hang out with them at the bar, while they are drinking a beer and vodka...I drink lemonade or cola...we talk about lots of stuff...they asked " Is the reason you don't consume a liquor because you area Muslim?" which I reply politely.."It's my personal choice..I like to be in control all the time, and liquor would cloud my judgement.." nodding politely, and they will reply "I've met many Muslim women who drinks liquor like water.." which I replied "I'm not so uptight because I'm a Muslim...but that's who I am...I like to be in control because I freak out easily when I'm not in a position of control..it's a habit that is difficult to get rid of...if I were born in any other religion, my view about life is still the same...i still don't consume alcohol...or if I happen to be brought up in the culture that consume liquor as parts of their daily life..I still won't enjoy drinking very much..." they will ask question "but if you never try, you never know how much you like them..?" to this question I answer "I'm not so innocent goody two shoe type of girl who see the different world from afar and judge...I do have experience testing and sampling some of the liquids...and I'm not fond of what it feels to my tongue, my throat and my stomach...I'm quite practical about things that I consume..although sometimes I eat a lot of junks food...but junk food take a longer side effect than booze or drugs...and I don't think I'm capable of controlling myself when I'm drunk..plus I don't want to be an idiot for whatever things I would do later...and regretting it when I woke up in the morning.."
Well, I don't expect number of them will be my friends in the long run due to my uptight self or innocence...but they do stay, when we are not hanging out at the bar, we walk at the park, have barbecues, they let me crash their couches and very respectful about boundaries..and so far they kind of accepting about keeping things platonic. Sometimes we exchange stories and views about relationship...they said they do get lonely, they need someone to talk to, someone who just willing to listen...some people chose to have NSA relationship in order to fill the hole inside their heart but not all man thinking about it all the time...men are vulnerable too..like woman, they are afraid of being abandoned and jilted...that's why they act like a pig most of the times....
So I ask question from time to time, will they simply sleep with any woman? most answer "If the girl wanted to...there's always a sign..we can read the body language, although man can be stupid when it comes to reading woman...but when sex involve...they are quick to decipher the code...well, if you meet a girl for the first time or twice, and their bodies are leaning towards you most of the time, touching you here and there. Wearing a revealing clothes and allow you to ogle their cleavages...don't tell me that they just want to have coffee.." hahaha..this reminds me of my friend...she wrote in her book, I don't remember her exact quote..but I get the gist...one of the quickest way for the guy to decide if the girl is fuckable is by using this method.. the guy will try to feed the girl with food...any food will do, if the girl is willing to open their mouth in order to be fed by the guy....then BAMM...the guy will get the signal that the girl is willing to open their mouth for things other than food too..So girls, if he's not your boyfriend, or you just met...pick the food with your own hands, or chopstick, or spoon politely from them...and shove the food down your throat by yourself in order not to send the wrong signal...
Sometimes I have a talk with my landlady...she's a Malay woman who have been in Germany nearly 30 years...she moved here from Malaysia after getting her SPM result at the age of 17,married a German guy at the age of 28...change her citizenship to German and now working at MATRADE...she practically more German than Malaysian anyway...she lives in German longer than she lives in Malaysia...she had some crazy days in the past...she once young and when you are alone...lots of things can happen..but she always keep in mind that..I bring with me my parents reputation...what I am is the image of education they've given me..although they are not here, although I think I'm a grownup who can take care of my own affair...but if something happen...it's towards them that I have to turn to...I am who I am...and no matter where I go...that's the way I will bring myself...
I smirk a little thinking that...some of my friends that without even have to go to foreign land, they already embracing the foreign culture in their very own land..sometimes act more foreign than the foreigner themselves....talking about culture shock...
I share stories about my experience going to the spa with my landlady and with my two Malaysian friends...one who also has the experience going and liking it so much (duhhh....guys...) and one who never been there yet...and I feel like a child when most people laugh at me in Germany due to my awkwardness...not going to elaborate on that.....and my landlady proudly said "You are a grown up now...here is my present to you" she placed a kain batik sarong for me to wear in the sauna on my lap....one reason is because I could pass out wearing a bath robe in a sauna...and second is to remind me that, I can still bring my Malayness even in the German sauna room...
Do I get to know someone special here? YES....but I'm not going to publicize what's going on, because after 5 failed relationship...I learn to be careful not to be open about it and not to share it with the public...but all i can say...after number of times hanging out...he's respectful enough not to ask me to drink with him and made sure to order lemonade or Ingwer (ginger) beer for me,he doesn't smoke or he never try to ask me to be in bed with him (perhaps he's gay hahaha..my friend seems to think so) I dare not venture the path of inquiring him about that coz I don't want to ruin the innocence feeling that I have about him and although I 'm not the most pious girl on the planet I would like to keep my virginity intact for my future husband...(yeah, you can smirk too..I allow it)...and sometimes he accompanies me to take a look around, ,to hang out at the parks,, sometimes visiting church...(he's an avid fan of church tourism) and proudly claim that he has been to more than 500 churches (if i'm not mistaken) all over the world...OK, for this part...I feel shameful with myself...well, considering that I'm not an avid fan of mosque tourism...i do feel inadequate...be not afraid, he's not into some cult or anything, he just love the architecture and the norms of different churches...which I have to admit...most of the buildings are very beautiful...He is still studying, and the future is still far ahead...and I still have my own life to lead....he gives me a confidence to get me back to where I used to...and I'm thankful for him....I don't want to be greedy and expecting more considering I'll be going back to Malaysia anyway...but we promise to keep in contact...i just leave things at the hands of GOD...
So over all, I've grown up a bit and I'm becoming less rigid, more trusting towards people...and I gain my self-confidence..some of friends I knew here actually said "Amy, you blend in perfectly...you are in every aspect a German..from the tight assed attitude, sharp remarks and the face that clearly disapprove of anything that doesn't go with your standard...." and some give remarks "You have the vulnerable look that people feel obliged to protect until you open your mouth and say something....it drives an arrow to people's heart..make people want to hug you and choke you at the same time"
My high school friend who has been here for more than 4 years and now residing in London told me that he feel a strange calmness in Germany...every time the plane touches the ground he can't help but smiling by himself...he will go back to Malaysia for good after a year in London...and he said, some part of him stays in Germany...life is hard, and you get to be very lonely but you learn to adapt, people are not too keen to look at you differently, they don't judge, and although you are alone in the crowd and got lost...there are always people who reach out their hands for you..you just have to be trustful and accept the good...and the working environment, the labor law...are superbly amazing...except for the 46% income tax and 19% VAT.which I think is fair because the locals and the expats are treated the same and paid the same..people keep asking me "how much the pay the expats get in Malaysia?" and I will tell them "more than what the local would dream of getting." Malaysia is the heaven for the expats...high pay, low income tax, accommodation benefits, transport benefits...so if you are a foreigner..and want to have the taste of Malaysia...be an expat..we are always accepting...just don't be a typical expats who spent most of their time hanging out at the bukit bintang or hartamas area...allow yourself to be bitten my mosquitoes, travel the wild, taste some belacan and experience what diarrhea feels like when you eat the street food, and feel the ultimate dizziness when you take the bus or the train with air-condition as cold as the Antarctica...when the temp. outside is close to 40 degrees....other than that....life's awesome....
Do I change? I don't know...I do feel changed...but I'm not a good judge of my own character...I let you be the judge of that....
Friday, June 28, 2013
My dirty little secret......
Well, this is my dirty little secret..I always wanted to be part of PEMANDU team since its inception 4 years ago..one of my dear friends was able to join the team and I was so freaking jealous with him..he's only 2 years older than me back then, and he was fast-tracked from the university straight to the office..he's the one who inspires me to be seriously indulging policy making field..but my brain ability is not as good for thinking and i don't come from the elite background to leverage me to go up as fast as his pace...sometimes i wish i could be as good as he is...From time to time i will compare the list of my own achievements with his and i feel so small
I make a promise to myself..that one day i will be able to look at him without having to feel the jealousy swelling up in me...he has it all..perfect life, perfect job, perfect background, pretty wife, cute pair of children, pleasant attitude..and I'm not surprise in 5 years to come, he will be nominated as one of the YB nominee considering how good he is....and I feel ugly loathing at how perfect his life is and how mine sucks..but I always believe, if I work hard enough..things will change...I want to be able to stand tall, to not being inferior, to be equally good and to do something that make myself proud..I'm not greedy to change the world or this country...I just want to change ME...i'm tired of feeling insecure and inferior or feeling I'm not good enough...
I'm aware that people would say that I'm lucky...I may get certain things easy...but I too suffer from bad things...I compensate...I try not to be too greedy coz I don't want to be frustrated later when things don't go my way...I kinda hope I'm a positive person...and really want to be one..guess I have to work harder and stop complaining so much...and I should use my brain more....
I make a promise to myself..that one day i will be able to look at him without having to feel the jealousy swelling up in me...he has it all..perfect life, perfect job, perfect background, pretty wife, cute pair of children, pleasant attitude..and I'm not surprise in 5 years to come, he will be nominated as one of the YB nominee considering how good he is....and I feel ugly loathing at how perfect his life is and how mine sucks..but I always believe, if I work hard enough..things will change...I want to be able to stand tall, to not being inferior, to be equally good and to do something that make myself proud..I'm not greedy to change the world or this country...I just want to change ME...i'm tired of feeling insecure and inferior or feeling I'm not good enough...
I'm aware that people would say that I'm lucky...I may get certain things easy...but I too suffer from bad things...I compensate...I try not to be too greedy coz I don't want to be frustrated later when things don't go my way...I kinda hope I'm a positive person...and really want to be one..guess I have to work harder and stop complaining so much...and I should use my brain more....
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Embracing the screw up....
The perks of being a wallflower brings back memories of my crazy moment
of adolescence...when there's always a moment I just wish I could die
and disappear...the remorse and the guilty feeling you have for having
someone you really actually care about gone and no matter how loud you
shout and no matter how hard you beg for God to make things right this
time...your loved one will never come back..The phrase "We all accept
love that we think we deserve.." is what has been playing in my mind and
becoming the reason why I'm such a screw up when it comes to
relationship..
I just feel guilty to live..from that day onwards, keep on thinking my pain and broken heart is the only way I could atone my sin...to love is to feel pain for the pain I inflicted unto others..and after 9 years, I guess I would never get over the things that screwed me up...I just love with the expectation I would be hurt in the end and I deserve it...addicted to it...until I couldn't take it and I just stop...I'm really tired that I shoved everything aside and live life try not to think about it anymore...i just waiting for my day to disappear...
Like when some of my friends told me, if the person you are destined to be with is dead...that's the reason why you can't find someone whom you truly love or truly love you but fret not, if you are not attach to anyone, when you die, you might get to meet him in the afterlife...and I think I reach to that level of screw up because after several people said about the same thing...I guess believing it wouldn't be so crazy..rather to think that I'm cursed...
I'm not that super psycho with multiple complex kid back then...but like other people I do have layers...some lies to cover things up...some wishful thinking that I could turn around and just erase the past, live life and enjoy it...do some crazy stuffs...some not so innocent stuff...exploring the possibility...living so as my life not to be wasted...doing something meaningful...despite all odds...despite all people perception...
I wasn't a brat...I wasn't a spoiled kid...but that thing....it hits me..I lost someone I care enough to trade my life with..and then I lost another friend...It gave me a creep...it turned my life around..such rebelliousness is not worth death..such brazen act can't help you escape it...I realize for every action, there is a consequence..people could get hurt...life could be lost...I was suicidal that I was hysterical...
My mom would scold me when I started to act like a loony...sitting at the corner in the dark...my mom would say...so now do you really want to be friend with the devil? Well, my mom is not the type who pat your back or hug your shoulders...although she knew what was going on and aware of me wailing from time to time...she didn't show it...and she partially blame herself for not being a good role model for us..blaming herself when her kids didn't show the quality of other parents' normal children do...
My brother said, we get hurt too early in life...and when we do love...we love too young and we are not ready that it leaves an impact so great...that every time a new relationship occur, we have an expectation it would be temporary...we live in fear that we start counting days for to it be over...and then we do something crazy...we are the broken glasses that's been glued all over, again and again, that no matter how much promise were made...we no longer have the courage to believe...
My brother said, some people are better off alone. And thanks to our parents...we are so good in that department...everyone in my family, no matter how close we are to each other...deep inside...we all know...we couldn't live with other people...or each other...we just barely living and tolerating...we love each other the most when we are far away from each other...
Thanks to my screw up friends and my screw up siblings...they make me feel less crazy...they make me feel that I could survive another day and the next...we have this unspoken rules about never bringing it up...never talk about it...just swallow your guilt and cut some wrist or starve yourself to the point of anorexic, yet still hang out...playing with each others hair...talking about stuff at school, a new job, a new car, the new video game released...but never ever said anything about the day we often wrong...the day the mistake were made and couldn't be undo..and although some smart asses would try to cross the line and joke about it...we looked the other way and move on and secretly feeling relief....because as time goes by, we separated and getting farther...we finally feel that we can breath...we can laugh without searching into each others eyes the sign of insanity...we can look to other people straight and not giving away anything...and we can be ourselves...
I just feel guilty to live..from that day onwards, keep on thinking my pain and broken heart is the only way I could atone my sin...to love is to feel pain for the pain I inflicted unto others..and after 9 years, I guess I would never get over the things that screwed me up...I just love with the expectation I would be hurt in the end and I deserve it...addicted to it...until I couldn't take it and I just stop...I'm really tired that I shoved everything aside and live life try not to think about it anymore...i just waiting for my day to disappear...
Like when some of my friends told me, if the person you are destined to be with is dead...that's the reason why you can't find someone whom you truly love or truly love you but fret not, if you are not attach to anyone, when you die, you might get to meet him in the afterlife...and I think I reach to that level of screw up because after several people said about the same thing...I guess believing it wouldn't be so crazy..rather to think that I'm cursed...
I'm not that super psycho with multiple complex kid back then...but like other people I do have layers...some lies to cover things up...some wishful thinking that I could turn around and just erase the past, live life and enjoy it...do some crazy stuffs...some not so innocent stuff...exploring the possibility...living so as my life not to be wasted...doing something meaningful...despite all odds...despite all people perception...
I wasn't a brat...I wasn't a spoiled kid...but that thing....it hits me..I lost someone I care enough to trade my life with..and then I lost another friend...It gave me a creep...it turned my life around..such rebelliousness is not worth death..such brazen act can't help you escape it...I realize for every action, there is a consequence..people could get hurt...life could be lost...I was suicidal that I was hysterical...
My mom would scold me when I started to act like a loony...sitting at the corner in the dark...my mom would say...so now do you really want to be friend with the devil? Well, my mom is not the type who pat your back or hug your shoulders...although she knew what was going on and aware of me wailing from time to time...she didn't show it...and she partially blame herself for not being a good role model for us..blaming herself when her kids didn't show the quality of other parents' normal children do...
My brother said, we get hurt too early in life...and when we do love...we love too young and we are not ready that it leaves an impact so great...that every time a new relationship occur, we have an expectation it would be temporary...we live in fear that we start counting days for to it be over...and then we do something crazy...we are the broken glasses that's been glued all over, again and again, that no matter how much promise were made...we no longer have the courage to believe...
My brother said, some people are better off alone. And thanks to our parents...we are so good in that department...everyone in my family, no matter how close we are to each other...deep inside...we all know...we couldn't live with other people...or each other...we just barely living and tolerating...we love each other the most when we are far away from each other...
Thanks to my screw up friends and my screw up siblings...they make me feel less crazy...they make me feel that I could survive another day and the next...we have this unspoken rules about never bringing it up...never talk about it...just swallow your guilt and cut some wrist or starve yourself to the point of anorexic, yet still hang out...playing with each others hair...talking about stuff at school, a new job, a new car, the new video game released...but never ever said anything about the day we often wrong...the day the mistake were made and couldn't be undo..and although some smart asses would try to cross the line and joke about it...we looked the other way and move on and secretly feeling relief....because as time goes by, we separated and getting farther...we finally feel that we can breath...we can laugh without searching into each others eyes the sign of insanity...we can look to other people straight and not giving away anything...and we can be ourselves...
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Just got dumped...hahaha...i think so....
I always knew it would come to this end...not that I care so much....just told my friend that I got dumped by his friend....possibly because he can't seem to register that I've told him million times...I'm not hot, I'm not sexy....I'm fat...and I don't feel good about myself...he insisted that we meet and let him decide by himself....fuck that....most guys are shallow anyway...so to give him the option to dump me...we meet after my Deutsche language class...told him, i have no expectation...and hearing him said "yeah...we better off as friend...."No hard feeling for me coz I know, the way I am now.....whatever...I don't care...I'm just mad being forced to do something I know what the ending will be...plus the wasted time.....shitty huh....
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