busybody n judgmental me....

I watched Resident Evil today.....the movie is cool...as usual...everything you can expect from the franchise..Milla is hot..never miss any of the series actually...but I'm not gonna talk about that...

It's about a bunch of youngsters that sat behind me while I was enjoying my Yakult Cupbone...I can't help but to overhear them coz they talked quite loud...first about they skipping class...apparently they study at the college named Cybernetic....nearby 1shamelin..one of the kids brag about kicking the chair because the lecturer scold him about sleeping in the class...seriously boy? why don't you just sleep at home then? Urgh...not to undermine anyone...but considering he is studying in Cybernetic...I can't help but feel pity towards the lecturer...Everybody knows that the private college lecturers are underpaid and under appreciated...it might sound glamorous, prestigious....but you can't earn respect....because you have to teach kids with slightly less IQ level than the average university students and the only reason that enable the kids to enter the institute is because the parents would do anything to ensure that their children will be able to pursue their tertiary education....including spending the hard earned money to fund their kid's education...mind you I'm not talking about the established n recognized private colleges like Monash, Help or LKW here...I'm just generalising based on my observation..

coming back to the point...this kid dare to kick the chair because he said he deserves respect from the lecture because he pays big money to learn the course. It sounds fucked up right. But this is what happen everyday recently, people of this era are so caught on self-entitlement, they think they deserve better simply because they pay for it...

and then the boys talk about some girls that wear too sexy in the class, some girls wear mini skirt and short pants to the class. They said it's quite distracting n flashy and ugly. I agree on them for that point. Girls, please be respectful n have dignity....it's really up to you what you want to wear...but why wear miniskirt to class...you want to give a free show or you want to learn? but the irony....those boys themselves wear sleeveless....yeah right...your sweaty underarm are so attractive that you want to show to everybody....

Then they talk about Ramen, they said that the restaurant that serve Ramen in the mall is not halal....my jaw literally drop...coz the one who actually brought up the issue has a tattoo on his arm...a permanent to be exact...dafuq man....you can tattoo your skin, but you are paranoid about Halal food, just like people who tonggang arak berbotol2....tp ckp ewwww kat daging babi....

just by sitting next to them, i kinda figure how what their lecturers have to go through everyday....i'm so grateful that i get to deal with young kids....If I were forced to teach these youngsters everyday...i will be suicidal...

Life as a student...

It's tiring....................... i love what i learn...but my stamina isn't what it used to be....when i was undergraduate students..it took a whole semester to finish one subject.and usually for each semester, we have 4 subjects..but being a full time post graduate students...it takes a fortnight to finish 1 subject.and for this semester only, i have to take 5 subjects...I usually sleep late...but now I sleep later than ever...i used to pick my attire...now i just wear what I see...now I get my brother, when he said...the course of my choice is a killer..not because it is difficult...but the time constrain can make people despair...it's only one week...but the rest of us start to feel "vomitty"(hahaha...i create that word) whenever the lecturer start to bombard us with whatever she teaches...i love her, in any normal lecture environment...she is fun....but the idea of hearing the same lecture from morning to evening everyday....(i can't think of anything to say...) Some of my male course mate, have stub of beard under their chin since they don't want to waste time on shaving.some sleep in the car during the break...hopefully this is not whining...coz I enjoy every minute of it...I'm just tired...i guess....perhaps....we are tired...i should start to live healthily, eat healthily and do lot more exercises...the stamina does affect the function of the brain....

just my two cents...

Seorang sepupu yg Islamik berkata..sistem pentadbiran Malaysia dah lapuk...dah xboleh diguna pakai...dah sampai masa bumiputra compete dgn masyarakat lain...dah sampai masa Malaysia jalankan hukum hudud...dah sampai masa Malaysia jalankan pemerintahan Islam sebenar seperti di Egypt...aku cakap kat die "so dengan kerusi yg Pas ada...dan kerusi PKR yg dibahagi 3...cukup x undi dalam parlimen untuk jalankan hukum hudud? possibility Malaysia akan kekal jadi negara Islam pun belum tentu lagi...kalau time tu ko nak jihad...nak reenact May 13 pun tak guna dah... sometimes reality sucks...klu berjaya tumbangkan UMNO pun, what's next? mana lebih penting? survival ekonomi atau survival agama ko..tok guru xkan ada selama2nya nk mentadbir negara...and sorry to say walaupun dalam pas ramai cerdik pandai Islam..tp cerdik pandai ekonomi xramai...tp tu xde masalah sebab kita boleh hire financial expert dari luar kan...n morality pemimpin Islam dalam PKR pun same hampeh dgn kerajaan sedia ada....setahu aku ada undang2 di Malaysia yg menjenayahkan sex berbayar..dah terang2 video rakam Anwar dgn Azmin ber dot dot dengan pelacur..but it's okay...janji jatuhkan UMNO dulu...yg lain cerita kemudian..
Kalau oppositon menang pun,corruption still exist, pervert still roaming the land, unless Hukum Hudud dilaksanakan secara menyeluruh...contohnya: katakan kalau orang islam makan rasuah..kena sebat 10 kali...tapi orang bukan Islam pulak kena denda dan penjara" apelah sangat denda dan penjara berbanding kena sebat...n of course diorg bley bayar punye...they have the money to bribe people, so bayar denda is like a peanut for them...they knew they can buy their way out of the system..crony2 government sekarang...berapa ramai yg Islam....berapa sangat duit yg orang Melayu boleh bg kat pemimpin untuk tutup mulut dan mata diorg berbanding dengan duit bangsa lain yg memonopoli ekonomi Malaysia..balik2 pun sedare mare diorg je....so kalau tukar pemimpin pun... corruption still happen coz ade loophole dalam law tu sendiri...zaman nabi pun ade komuniti Jew juga..but diorg still kena ikut hukum hudud...di Arab Saudi..di Iran..pun ada non-muslim...tp xde pulak hudud diorg buat separuh2...It's still a lose-lose situation untuk orang Islamik macam ko..sekarang ni pun the Malays in Malaysia walaupun menguasai politik tapi economy masih terkebelakang..bukan sebab manja kerana hak2 Bumiputera..tp sebab pemimpin Melayu tu sendri lebih suka utamakan bangsa yg lebih kaya dan tidak berkira menghulur..janji projek dapat...orang melayu seperti anak A Samad Said yang tidak berjaya mendapat tender..akan berkata..pemimpin tidak adil...berat sebelah kepada saudara mara sendiri dan kroni2 sahaja..orang yang tidak mampu memberi rasuah xde peluang menjadi usahawan berjaya..so kita mesti tukar pemimpin supaya kita dapat peluang tender dari pemimpin baru...so wujudlah kroni2 pemimpin baru pulak....terdiri daripada supporter-supporter tegar mereka...it's a vicious cycle untuk average people macam ko yg xde kepentingan or xde cita2 nak jd kaya....
If ko rase dengan pilih Pas ko bakal menegakkan agama Islam kat Malaysia and .kalau prioriti ko nak meningkatkan survival agama......undilah...tapi kena ingat...kalau Pas menang semua kerusi pun, Pas tetap bukan majoriti di parlimen...mungkin rakyat Islam adalah majoriti di Malaysia buat masa sekarang...seperti mana Singapore satu masa dulu lebih ramai rakyat Islam dari bukan Islam..time tu kalau ko nak demo depan masjid pun belum tentu dapat lesen...kalau nak ceramah politik di surau2 pun belum tentu lepas....Azan pun belum tentu boleh berkumandang sekuat sekarang...
Golongan PAS mungkin golongan yang extreme, yg sanggup berjihad dan menumpahkan darah untuk mempertahankan Islam...mungkin sampai masanya umat islam kena berperang untuk mempertahankan hak...tapi untuk orang macam aku...aku prefer if the fire didn't start at all...aku suka duk aman sampai aku mati...kalau Malaysia jadi negara secular pun aku masih sama macam dulu....so aku xkan affected dgn apa pun perlembagaan baru yg akan dibuat dengan kepimpinan baru nanti....coz the fact is loud and clear...vision barisan bakal kepimpinan yg baru nanti akan lebih fokus kepada survival ekonomi dari survival agama yg lebih berpihak pada kaum Melayu aje...
But, if bakal barisan pemimpin baru dah pakat awal-awal, nk bg pentadbiran ikut negeri2....maybe boleh work out....if rasa nak duduk kat kat negeri yg jalankan undang2 secular, boleh pindah negeri2 ni...or kalau nak duduk kat negeri yg jalankan hukum Hudud, bley pindah g negeri2 ni.....maybe it can be worked out...or else...bubarkan Malaysia...bahagi dua...Muslim duduk satu negara, non-muslim duduk satu negara....tgk side mana yg lebih prosper nanti...

i knew this would happen...

To start with, me pursuing master degree...is not something big....everybody does that nowadays...if you have the money, the time and the means to do that....it's not a big deal at all.....
Some of my cousins, my friends and even my younger brother are on the same path...and there are numbers of them that progressing to complete their PHD... compare to them, I just started...and it's a long way to go.
But even among my relatives, I heard something unpleasant about my decision to start being a student again. Mostly, it's about me taking the unpaid study leave. Since my mom isn't working anymore. The money is quite tight, not that I'm helping enough in that department before. Still, RM500 monthly can cover a lot of things around the house. I knew my decision more or less will affect the way things are going in the house, since I am now a freeloader for a year. I talked to my mom recently, she said she's fine with my decision. But, i don't think it's the same for my other siblings. Therefore, I guess i should start prioritising of how I'm going to spend my monthly allowance from the scholarship that I received. Rm1300 per month is not much to sustain all my expenses, but it's still better than nothing. Minus all the car loan, ASB loan and my insurance coverage...the balance that I have in my hands is RM700...been thinking of giving my mom RM200 to pay for the bills..(although my younger brother paid for the bills)..I feel it is conscientious for me to unload his burden a little bit, since he is also pursuing his Master degree with his own pocket money, lucky for him..it doesn't cost him much...since he's taking the part time degree and still working unlike me who chose to be the full timer.
Some ask, why don't I be like my brother. Pursuing master part time, and still working. They say, I act kind of selfish about this matter.
First of all, the course of my choice, doesn't have the part time mode..it is a full course work with compression of three semesters within 1 year. The class starts at 9.00 and finishes at 4.30 every day except for the weekend. From that 9.00 to 4.30, we are going to learn about the same subject, all day, every day for the minimum  of 10 days. And why is that? because my course are taught by visiting professors invited by the institute from variety of countries and universities and they don't stay here long. After, they are done with the topic. They will pack their bag and leave for their country.
And aside from the class, we do have to attend to the forum, the dialogue and seminars held in the institute. So basically, we don't have much time to do anything else besides study and working on project paper, written report and test. Furthermore, I will be taking my internship for two months somewhere oversea... (I have no idea yet where to go...) So, basically, working is not an option at all.
I am so glad I get chosen to study this course, since I'm not the brightest and for sure not the creamiest of the crop. And given that the fact, this course alone cost close to RM10000 per semester, there's no way I could afford it has it not for the financial aid given to me by the institute. The plus side is, I don't have to pay it back and I'm not bound to serve them when I graduated. The only catch is, I have to graduate within 1 year. This expectation is due to the fact that, the student can only graduate if they are able to achieve minimum of B in all the subject they learnt and the project paper...any C candidate is considered failure. If you don't do well, you have to pay the institute back. So, the pressure is quite tough. I just hope I can make it, since it is my passion at the first place, and it's my choice...I have no other option than to work hard.
Some says, I'm lucky to be a government servant because it is easy for me to pursue my master and given the scholarship. Some says, it's easy because I am a Malay. I say, that is rubbish. MOE doesn't offer the scholarship to a mere three years in service teacher. There is one course mate of mine who serve the government for 10 years, before she's given the JPA scholarship to further her study. I bet, she's the eldest among us girls. I use girls because, none of the female students in my course is married. I bet the boys are all still single except for the middle age Briton student that I mistook as one of the associate prof during my 1st day.  I bet, it is intentionally done by the institute in order to ensure full commitment received from the students. So, if you are the government servant, you will understand, that seniority is a core business. You might be great or excellent. But you have to wait patiently for your time to come. If you don't have the patience, and you can afford to study without the financial aid. There's always a self fund method and the part time courses made available for you. But if you are looking for some thing more. The key word is initiative on your part.
And, I'm not so sure I get the financial aid because I am born Malay. Although the so called Quota is often use as a reference to clarify why the so called underperformed Malays able to get scholarship, I work my ass for it, not forgetting some sprinkle of luck and God will. Most of the student in my course received either the financial aid from the institute or JPA recipient.  And they are from all over the place..I can assure you the Malays are not the majority here. There are Malaysian from different races who received the same financial aid as mine...and not only that...the foreign students also receive the same financial aids. They are from German, London, Taiwan, China, Thailand and Indonesia. So, please have some respect in that matter. I don't say that I deserve the scholarship, because I know the fact that there are other people whom are better than me. But like everyone else, I do work hard and now I have the opportunity. This opportunity doesn't come to me, instead I take an effort to look for it myself.
I am ordinary person who has no influential person or connection to back her up. but I do have, a supportive mother and siblings to back me up and some friends that keep supporting me through thick and thin. All i have, is a heart to make myself a better person. I am in preparation to go to another step in my life. I have accepted the fact, that my personal life suck and I am a failure in relationship. So, in order to make me feel better about myself, I'm going to start doing what I do best. Which is to use my head to think and absorbing as much info as I could, to become as much level headed as possible and to be able to make people say "She's got a point there".
By the way, I'm looking for a part time job. If any of you, need help with translating, proof reading, writing job....I would be glad to work...I would do a home tutoring too if you guys need help in mastering English language or some enrichment for that matter...after all...I am an English teacher...though I might not be the excellent one...but I'm good. Don't worry about the money, I work cheap.

day 1 of going back to be the student...

I was so motivated when I woke up this morning...full of expectation...and thrill...after 3 years of paying my due to serve the government...i finally getting a break to pursue what I'm always passionate about..but nothing prepares me for this....after 27 years of being born and bred as KLites...I never thought that one day...hearing the words traffic jam can be so dreadful to me...
Being in a kampung area for 2 years....and working at the afternoon session.....make me forget how bad the jam is...i still living in the time where I have to pay Metramac 50 cent..and the road is quite congested but at the tolerable level.....now it's free...and i feel like driving myself into a trap.. claustrophobic and restless...driving a car at the bicycle speed....from Ampang to Petaling Jaya....I'm having a shock of my life.....going out early at 7.30 at arrive to UM at 9.00....that's insane...it's suppose to be less than an hour trip even with the bad traffic...now the traffic is horrendous...going back is worse...starting my journey at 5.30 and arrive home at 8.00 o'clock...and people say, the price of the car needed to be lowered..and the toll fare should be abolished...f**k that...call me selfish, ignorant, self centered bimbo girl....but i would rather pay the toll...and higher car price....if that could make the road less congested than it already is....
Considering the budget cut...and I can't afford to use AKLEH everyday..I'm considering the other option....LRT sounds just nice.....maybe it's time i do my part as a citizen...to keep the road less congested....and it's good for my health too....lately i haven't done much walking.....it's time for an attitude change...and get out from my lazy ass comfort zone.....not gonna waste my time frowning in the car while looking at the clock and sigh....how much time have I wasted....just because i don't want to walk more mile...back when I was studying a degree in UM...i had an easy life cruising with my car from places to places....now maybe it's time I get the taste of being just a regular no car students....i need to do a lot of adjusting.... whether with my attitude and the way I look at things...maybe by doing something like this will help humbling me down a little bit....

my view of the ministry of education and it's staffs...

During these fortnight, I've been so busy handling my study leave application...the red tape and bureaucratic system did help to makes trivial things become big and things that could be settled within short period of time become long and torturous process....not to point the blame on anyone...but something went really wrong somewhere...so the supposedly smooth system, ended up collapsing....and I was left clueless....so as the officers that i had to deal with...luckily me and my friend were the proactive type...instead of sitting on our ass and expect things magically turn to side with us...we took an effort to climb more stairs...asked around...from Jalan Hang Jebat to Jalan Duta to Putrajaya to Cyberjaya...we knew that our time is running out...so we must move faster and decided quickly...and today, I manage to hand in my form directly to Bahagian Tajaan....i feel relief for a while..after the raya...i probably start to worry again whether my request for study leave will be approved or not.
The mood of these government institute that i stepped on can be described as Hari Raya enthusiast...the staff although still committed to their work, still manage to disappear or going somewhere for whatever purposes...i kinda feel jealous with them...comparing to us the execution party who has to work at the front line such as teachers, doctors, nurses and polices....  the administration party seems to have an enjoyable and comfortable work life..work in the air-conditioned atmosphere, don't even have to deal with inconsiderate people claiming they have the right as a citizen. Even the tukang sapu...can go shopping at carrefour during the work hour....I said to my friend, we are the professionals...but why do we get treated like the second class party in the equation....If we somehow develop their habit, it will be a matter of time that one of us will be facing a huge lawsuit...
I sort of think that there is a double standard in the system we already had. In school, even if the teacher doesn't have a math major, they can't refuse to teach math if the administration order them to teach math. But, when it comes to the administration...whenever asked about something that's not specifically assigned to them, they simply shrug and said..."I don't know...it's not in my job requirement.." and nobody put the blame on them for not knowing...and they said " this thing is not stated in my 'file meja' ". Imagine if these are the teacher's replies when asked something non related to teaching. I can assure, the teacher will get the free lecture about how he should know it all and should care. I wonder if the administration even bother to take a look at the teacher's 'file meja'. I bet they will be surprised at how many miscellaneous and random items the 'file meja' contained.
But, not all the fruits are rotten, there are a few officers whom are quite helpful and guiding us until we manage to complete all the items needed. The favor they are doing towards us are always going to be remembered..However, this experience teach me things about how the ministry of education works...

1. Although you try hard to be professional, in the end of the day you have to realize that you are dealing with the human, and the human you are dealing with can either help you or make your life a living hell. So, the best option is to be nice to them. Don't act superior just because you are. When asking favor from anyone, even though that favor is actually their job. Just be nice and humble enough. Use the polite word and when you feel like pushing them, choose the words that make them turn sympathetic towards us instead of whining or giving order...these people need to feel important...so treat them like they are important...smile always work....and apologizes for causing them extra work help to sooth their ego....
2. Ask around, don't rely on one resource, if you are not satisfy with the answer given to you, go higher and even higher until you get a clarity of what you should do and the action you should have taken. Although the PPD, JPN and MOE are supposedly related to each other, but I can assure not only the system is red taped, the flow of information is affected as well. Take time knowing the right people, to cut short the red tape...so that later, you can expedite things even faster than using the common channel. It's like going to the shopping mall in the peak hour, those who knows the secret passageway to avoid the traffic of people going back and forth will arrive at the destination earlier than who choose to walk with the crowd and whine why the shopping mall is so crowded...when they do nothing to find the easier way to get around....
3. Don't take things lightly, even the trivial matters can be a speed bump that delay the whole process...always be prepared and make sure you always have the original documents and the copies in hand for whatever purposes...When working, I was taught that it is important to keep 'file meja' and 'fail pendua' for all my work and responsibility. This habit though a bit pricey, actually help me organize things better...and I put less reliance on the administration....
4. Whatever you do, do it the proper way...some of my friends are being a bit impatient when dealing with the administration, so they choose to walk away and defy the system. They maybe somehow forgotten that they have signed the "Surat Aku Janji" back in the first year they start teaching....if we somehow disobey what we already taken an oath for...we should consider ourselves as corrupted ourselves...just because the system is oppressing us, doesn't mean we just have to walk away. Sometimes we find it oppressing because we don't know. And we ask the wrong person. And we already create a bad schemata in our brain that the system sucks....but once in a while, we have to reflect ourselves in the mirror...if we chose to run away...or defy the system...who's the real culprit then...

finally...i resurface....

After a week of deactivating....now i activated my fb back...coz i think, now i might be able to function normally....a whole week i've been too depressed....some people make rumors about me and i'm too angry that i could spend hours and days cursing non stop in the FB due to my addiction to make FB as my public diary...knowing my tendency that will backlash on me in the end.Well, i wouldn't look good if I start barking when bitten.being too angry with my pride wounded..the last thing to do is to bare everything on FB..I know i'm not perfect, the fault is partly mine.it's not that I am an angel or something like that..i need to sort my feelings and planning for a vengeance....i don't usually do vengeance....but this time...i can't tolerate anymore bullshit....i started a war..
My GB is always being a bitch....but one thing she's not is stab you from the back....i knew she was never the culprit behind the rumors....it was someone else...some who personally has a grudge on me...someone higher level than me...as soon as I find out....i decided...i will bring her down....
I always hand in things earlier than anybody, do things by the book and keep things to myself, i make sure i leave no loophole..except i sometimes sneakingly marking the exercise book in the classroom .But still it wasn't enough...i realise, not only you have to save your asses, you must utilize your enemy weaknesses to bring her down. to seal her lips and make sure,make her think twice before she started saying bad stuff about you. Let her know, if she try the same stunt again...she will pay a high price for it.
I am always the observant type. When i'm determine to do something, i will spend time working on it...I snooped around, find a loop hole here and there...and attack..and i don't miss the shot...my GPK1 is shot point blank in front of everyone....and I'm satisfied....
This woman been messing with me since the start of year, I don't even know her...but I know, she hated my guts...coz I dared smile sheepishly at her when she practically kissing my GB's butt....(well, those who knew me know that my face can't lie), people always know my thinking without me saying it out loud...my face is my number one betrayer....she gave me 5 KSSR classes to teach...and one KBSR class inclusive of 32 periods...the max to be given to a teacher..especially an English teacher..but I'm not complaining since it's part and parcel for the new teacher in the new school....but each day she started to show her spot, every time i ask her the key to the computer lab....she will give as many as excuses not to let me have the key, then it lead to something else...this form and that form, the stamp pad...she will make everything difficult for me. Then it lead to my RPM book. The teacher is entitled to a new book, if the teacher used up the current one. Once again, she denied my right to get a new book by saying that GB doesn't allow us to get a new book. So i photostatted the RPM book and bind them myself. She scolded me and said that I wasted a whole book to write a lengthy lesson plan..that i'm not smart at utilizing the book. She told me that she doesn't even use half of the book....so one day I decided to take a peek at her RPM and found out, she only teaches three KBSR moral classes....and how dare she compare her 1 page per day lesson plan to mine who has to  teach five KSSR classes, so she can't sit her ass leisurely when we have to do her admin work.the same goes when i asked for the SPPK form, when i said that the exam sec run out of the JSU form and ask her if she has a spare, she simply said "kalau dah habis raxxo je la, minta saya buat apa?" what da heck..how can i raxxo when i don't have the soft copy or the hard copy..you idiot...didn't I just tell you that the exam sec run out of the form......but I keep mum about it....i just thought of her as being a bitch.
But, this time the table has turn, as soon as I found her out that she spread rumor about me....she can't get away anymore...she can kiss the GB's ass...but I can make her look bad enough in front of everybody else..i will humiliate her enough to quiet her mouth.So during the briefing today, I started out simply by pointing the obvious that everybody hasn't dared to talk about...I play the blame game, I purposely talk in front of everybody about how the GPK1 still hasn't registered my e-pangkat and e-operasi so I can't fill in my details as the GB wanted.It's July and I haven't been registered yet...i look her in the eyes....watching her face is priceless....then I start saying how ridiculous it is that the afternoon teacher  to hand in our RPM book to GB before 3 o'clock when the somebody in the upper echelon, although working in the morning session can hand in on 6.00 o'clock or Saturday since she only did a page per day lesson plan. If you demand perfection from your subordinate, shouldn't you show the good example to them. And i said about the RPM being thin and there's no way it could last until the end of the year. Four of my colleagues have to photostat the RPM book ourselves...are we allowed to do so?...you can't make a copy of your register book...so can you actually make a copy of the RPM book? aren't both of them are Hak kerajaan?
Then i start mentioning about the rumor circulating about me, I dare her to prove the evidence about what she said...I explains that i personally asked to be transferred to KL and granted and not because of some disciplinary action taken towards me. If she did not take a long time enough to register me in the e-operasi and e-pangkat...she would have known about this too..she's the GPK1, she should have known...well one thing she didn't know...back in my old school, my ex GB give us permission to take a look at our details in  the e-pangkat, e-operasi and even e-tukar confirmation ourselves, so we know what's in there. How come when i personally typed "guru ini berkelakuan baik" in the ulasan column can be changed to something else.
I know I'm going to pay a high price for this later, but it takes a lot of courage on my side...and i've never been this angry....I may be everything bad....but i did every possible thing i could to improve myself....I'm not perfect...but spreading such lies to degrade me is low.....and she deserve it right in her face....
One thing i learn since I moved here, don't ever trust people to back you up...you must save your own ass...saving my own ass...thanks to the related person...i am able to do just fine....without even to kiss somebody's ass....I'm not trying to be in anyone good book...just don't touch me....and live me alone in my corner....