My dirty little secret......

Well, this is my dirty little secret..I always wanted to be part of PEMANDU team since its inception 4 years ago..one of my dear friends was able to join the team and I was so freaking jealous with him..he's only 2 years older than me back then, and he was fast-tracked from the university straight to the office..he's the one who inspires me to be seriously indulging policy making field..but my brain ability is not as good for thinking and i don't come from the elite background to leverage me to go up as fast as his pace...sometimes i wish i could be as good as he is...From time to time i will compare the list of my own achievements with his and i feel so small
I make a promise to myself..that one day i will be able to look at him without having to feel the jealousy swelling up in me...he has it all..perfect life, perfect job, perfect background, pretty wife, cute pair of children, pleasant attitude..and I'm not surprise in 5 years to come, he will be nominated as one of the YB nominee considering how good he is....and I feel ugly loathing at how perfect his life is and how mine sucks..but I always believe, if I work hard enough..things will change...I want to be able to stand tall, to not being inferior, to be equally good and to do something that make myself proud..I'm not greedy to change the world or this country...I just want to change ME...i'm tired of feeling insecure and inferior or feeling I'm not good enough...
I'm aware that people would say that I'm lucky...I may get certain things easy...but I too suffer from bad things...I compensate...I try not to be too greedy coz I don't want to be frustrated later when things don't go my way...I kinda hope I'm a positive person...and really want to be one..guess I have to work harder and stop complaining so much...and I should use my brain more....

Embracing the screw up....

The perks of being a wallflower brings back memories of my crazy moment of adolescence...when there's always a moment I just wish I could die and disappear...the remorse and the guilty feeling you have for having someone you really actually care about gone and no matter how loud you shout and no matter how hard you beg for God to make things right this time...your loved one will never come back..The phrase "We all accept love that we think we deserve.." is what has been playing in my mind and becoming the reason why I'm such a screw up when it comes to relationship..
I just feel guilty to live..from that day onwards, keep on thinking my pain and broken heart is the only way I could atone my sin...to love is to feel pain for the pain I inflicted unto others..and after 9 years, I guess I would never get over the things that screwed me up...I just love with the expectation I would be hurt in the end and I deserve it...addicted to it...until I couldn't take it and I just stop...I'm really tired that I shoved everything aside and live life try not to think about it anymore...i just waiting for my day to disappear...
Like when some of my friends told me, if the person you are destined to be with is dead...that's the reason why you can't find someone whom you truly love or truly love you but fret not, if you are not attach to anyone, when you die, you might get to meet him in the afterlife...and I think I reach to that level of screw up because after several people said about the same thing...I guess believing it wouldn't be so crazy..rather to think that I'm cursed...
I'm not that super psycho with multiple complex kid back then...but like other people I do have layers...some lies to cover things up...some wishful thinking that I could turn around and just erase the past, live life and enjoy it...do some crazy stuffs...some not so innocent stuff...exploring the possibility...living so as my life not to be wasted...doing something meaningful...despite all odds...despite all people perception...
I wasn't a brat...I wasn't a spoiled kid...but that thing....it hits me..I lost someone I care enough to trade my life with..and then I lost another friend...It gave me a creep...it turned my life around..such rebelliousness is not worth death..such brazen act can't help you escape it...I realize for every action, there is a consequence..people could get hurt...life could be lost...I was suicidal that I was hysterical...
My mom would scold me when I started to act like a loony...sitting at the corner in the dark...my mom would say...so now do you really want to be friend with the devil? Well, my mom is not the type who pat your back or hug your shoulders...although she knew what was going on and aware of me wailing from time to time...she didn't show it...and she partially blame herself for not being a good role model for us..blaming herself when her kids didn't show the quality of other parents' normal children do...
My brother said, we get hurt too early in life...and when we do love...we love too young and we are not ready that it leaves an impact so great...that every time a new relationship occur, we have an expectation it would be temporary...we live in fear that we start counting days for to it be over...and then we do something crazy...we are the broken glasses that's been glued all over, again and again, that no matter how much promise were made...we no longer have the courage to believe...
My brother said, some people are better off alone. And thanks to our parents...we are so good in that department...everyone in my family, no matter how close we are to each other...deep inside...we all know...we couldn't live with other people...or each other...we just barely living and tolerating...we love each other the most when we are far away from each other...
Thanks to my screw up friends and my screw up siblings...they make me feel less crazy...they make me feel that I could survive another day and the next...we have this unspoken rules about never bringing it up...never talk about it...just swallow your guilt and cut some wrist or starve yourself to the point of anorexic, yet still hang out...playing with each others hair...talking about stuff at school, a new job, a new car, the new video game released...but never ever said anything about the day we often wrong...the day the mistake were made and couldn't be undo..and although some smart asses would try to cross the line and joke about it...we looked the other way and move on and secretly feeling relief....because as time goes by, we separated and getting farther...we finally feel that we can breath...we can laugh without searching into each others eyes the sign of insanity...we can look to other people straight and not giving away anything...and we can be ourselves...

Just got dumped...hahaha...i think so....

I always knew it would come to this end...not that I care so much....just told my friend that I got dumped by his friend....possibly because he can't seem to register that I've told him million times...I'm not hot, I'm not sexy....I'm fat...and I don't feel good about myself...he insisted that we meet and let him decide by himself....fuck that....most guys are shallow anyway...so to give him the option to dump me...we meet after my Deutsche language class...told him, i have no expectation...and hearing him said "yeah...we better off as friend...."No hard feeling for me coz I know, the way I am now.....whatever...I don't care...I'm just mad being forced to do something I know what the ending will be...plus the wasted time.....shitty huh....

I guess I am the egg.....

A male friend of mine try to hook me up with his friend...a nice guy at the age of 31.... a Malay Singaporean citizen but working in one of the private college in Kl as a lecturer for culinary classes...he's smart, know how to cook and a home boy (yeah..most of my male friends are aware about the specificity....) or else they won't bother play cupid....

We exchange emails, picture of each others and SMS messages. I am not so hopeful myself, as I'm not at the top of my best self.....take everything as slowly as I could....he seems very intelligent when we converse with each other...and seems very respectful. He avoid using all the remarks I have allergies on like calling me honey, baby, sweety or such nonsense....he doesn't even try to use a baby language a.k.a ( retarded mode of lovey dovey for lovesick teenagers type of conversation) with me....I give him credit for that....he seems mature...but considering his age...it's reasonable for him to display that characteristic...

So he thought, it is about time we go to the next stage...meeting for real...I truly hate this part....I really don't want to do that...part of me refuse to be turned down after the first meeting. Hesitantly about the idea, i try to buy some times....giving excuses every time he try to bring the issue up....the truth is, I'm just not ready....

So my friend called me and asked WTF am I doing...I told him, I'm not ready in which he replied...grow old and wither by yourself then....I don't know how to right your messed up head anymore...I asked him...this man you hook me up with....do you think he would even consider me in real life? He replied "I don't know Amy, he seems nice enough, his track record with girlfriend possibly shorter than you are. You two could be friend, at least....You know it's kinda hard to find a Malay Malaysian male that really approved of the way you lead your life....and this guy doesn't care shit about stuff" 

Being really offended about the 'statement of how I live my life', I can't help but raise my voice...and said just because you are happily married now, you can't simply tell me that I lead my life the wrong way...You used to be like me...you used to be screw up too....don't you forget who you were....

Realizing he went too far, he apologize but he still insist that he's really mad with me. I told him, I'm just not ready. I will work things out somehow....thanks for being so concern.....

The truth is, i'm just tired....I told my other friend...I'm tired of convincing people....I'm tired of constantly being judged for being myself...the pass experience still haunt me...hearing words like I am not good enough is killing every confident bones in my body....I just don't want to get hurt again..I never be good enough... i never be good enough....after everything I did, i never be good enough....it's not enough that I don't slut myself around...I must condone to certain custom to preserve my Malayness.....it's not enough that I have a somehow level headed conscience and faith...I must abide and condone to culture and customs practices that emphasize on physical appearances for the sake of convincing other people...that I am really good....like preaching to others is good, like being so self-absorbed about my own religion is good...it's not enough that I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't just open my leg to man....I must be a hypocrite too....like being all goody

two shoes to impress guys..covering myself from head to toes to show that I'm really really good..fuck that....I don't care...If I have to wither and die by myself...so be it....I'm tired...

Remember the story about the carrot, the egg and the coffee...when you put them into the boiling water, the carrot went soft, the egg went hard and the coffee gave good smell....You know what...I am the egg...the hard boiled egg....I hate carrot and coffee gives me migraine....so egg will be just fine....

kawan-kawanku....

Dear friend, after so much consideration... I decided to lay some ground about the way we connect with each other, as a friend said "it's not a good habit, you know, talking about other people, especially your friend" although it's hard to swallow..I think I need to take her advice.So help me change by

1) remind me that it's wrong when I decides to talk about other people especially a friend..although how freaking mad I am with them....or for whatever reason...

2) Don't call or sms me to ask about other people's life....whoever they are...(if you want to ask about my life...that would be very much welcomed)...
I know I sounded like a hypocrite biatch by saying this...but doing the number 1, makes me feel bad about myself in the long run although it's fun to judge people and gossip about them and the number 2 makes me want to slap your face....

And for the additional remarks...if you are not my close friend and you really want to know about my life...feel free to inbox me..but make sure you are really concern about me...and not just because you are busybody....yeah...I am busybody too...I'm curious about a lot of things...I don't want to be poyo here and claim myself as sudah insaf or bertaubat nasuha....coz in the future..the possibility I revert to talking about other people again is high....I'm a female creature...and that's what female does....but just remind me about it....you know...not in the sort of like berceramah way macam ko sorang je alim pengikut ahli Sunnah Waljamaah...but as a friend...with laugh and jokes....if it's not too hard to do that...and stop asking me about other people...I don't want to be other people's representative...I'm not qualified for that...I'm obsolete and unreliable...but if you want to share stories about other people...I don't mind listening....

And one more thing, don't argue with me...i don't have that strength anymore...don't be so defensive....If you keep arguing with me...I just keep quiet and say no more...I know I'm not always right and sometimes I even act like possessing the IQ equals to a bimbo...but it just my nature to act childishly for my defense mechanism...so if I'm trying your patience...trust me, my patience is running dry too....

And don't snap at me when I'm not finished talking or look down on me or patronizing me the same way you did with your little siblings....I am not...there are things that you know better...but there are things I do know too...don't even think that you are in a better position than me that you are always right all the time...we have to be respectful towards each other...we must....I don't want to lose the few friends I have anymore....you know, the one who really cares about me...so if you guys really concern about me..so dengan rasa rendah dirinya..help me help myself, help me be a better person... urggghhhh....poyo nye aku....

Selfish is the new me....

Selfish is the best to describe me at the moment....I am aware of this changes in me recently....not that i really a caring person before anyway...
Why am I becoming even worse than before? I used to be the type who gives a ride to just about anyone, who willing to lend a hand to people when they are in need, who would be willing to step in to get people out of a deep shit.....but now...something inside me keep telling me...."back off...it has nothing to do with you"...
I really have no idea how people think of me...but I get the feeling..for them, I'm just a selfish stuck up bitch who has low inferiority complex....just nice enough to work with but not nice enough to hang out with....perhaps I'm uptight or I really just don't care or it's my nature to push people away...especially the new acquaintances....
Perhaps aging makes you become less tolerant in bullshits....a friend told me off one day saying "when you spend to much time facebooking, you become absorbed in your own little world and everyone's else doesn't matter.....it's a sign of selfishness...." there's a truth in her words....coz I refuse to have a life outside my own life....to start over with the new friendship...to tolerate more crappy things....perhaps I'm just tired or I just don't want to be a burden or a chain to restrain other people....or perhaps I just don't want to look stupid or illiterate....
For god sake...I'm 28 years old...I love to have fun...and my definition of having fun is going to some concerts and gigs...or just having a fun relaxing healthy outdoor activity..or going to a spa treatment..travelling and exploring new things...that's the way I really am....I'm really a jester...someone who makes stupid jokes...bring some laughter to the people...but everybody knows I'm awkward at socializing...I hate crowds....and now, every one is so busy leading their own life that I have no friend to travel with...to jog with...to go to the beach....
And of course the sight of seeing people whose definition of fun by consuming Irish nectar and party all night make me sick....smoking, drinking or partying are not healthy...although I'm well aware that slothing on my couch and eat whatever is on the fridge is not  healthy too....perhaps that's the reason why I keep my mouth zipped and look the other way...coz I am no better...
I know I should just be honest, be friendlier,be more concern...but I don't have that kind of strength anymore...I know deep inside...everyone is good...but my conscience keep telling me...that it's better for everyone that I'm not involved...that I'm not in the picture at all...
I'm done trying to win people's heart....I did that for more than 3 years....but I still haven't managed to earn a new friend...three years where people only find me when they want to use me....I know things are different here...but something telling me..."If I have no use for them...they won't bother to stay with me...."
I really feel bad for what I did, for things I avoid to do....like giving a ride when the heavy rain falls...not visiting a colleague when they are warded in the hospital...for not comforting when they are in trouble...its bad for my conscience...but good for everybody else..like you don't have to ask me to hang out with you guys for the sake of courtesy....you don't have to cover up anything if I wasn't there....you can breath easy....so it's fine with me....really....

the annoyed and the annoying....

Hahaha..I have an urge to slap somebody's face.... the whole Sulu Intrusion on Sabah irks me in some ways different than it should be...
I'm not an expert when it comes to territorial disputes...hell...those things are heavy....but it just my luck that before this incident happen...my group has to do the presentation and written assignment for regional security in ASEAN...and guess what....my part is territorial disputes...although it is more focused on China VS South East Asia.....but upon reading the whole thing I could manage to gather from different resources....even my group mate has mentioned about how Philippines still hold on to Sabah until now....it just normal for me to start digging...in order to understand the situation better....and regarding this issue...looking back at the whole content of our group presentation...I studied that Malaysia is a training center for Psy-Ops and Psy-War tactical combat for counter terrorism ..so out of curiosity...I start reading more on that stuff....and i realize....OMG...that was beyond heavy...and complicated...like a pair of tangled strings.....you can't just untangle one but all of them...
And it comes to my knowledge that my cousin has a direct involvement in the incident....it's only natural for me to be nosy and ask him things....but he replied by saying...I could not say more about the whole thing..but trust me it's not a drama...I could die tomorrow and it's not a drama...me holding the gun is real...me have to blow people's head is real...so just pray that I will be save back home....
So in order to respect that...I try as hard to shut my mouth (not working i guess)....and thanks to my shallow knowledge of the whole thing...well, although I learn about security...it is not really my forte or passion...i just indulge them to fill my curiosity....well...I'm a pacifist (duhhhhh....) so I believe that conflict is best resolved without bloodbath....but most people find this soft approach as a joke...a sign of weakness...what more can I say....terrorist has human right too (puiiihhhh....) I don't really condone with the way things work regarding this issue....but who cares....there's nothing much I can do but pray for the safety of our warriors and the people there....
And of course....as a human being...I can't help but being biased and easily influenced...well, it's an  open secret that I don't like Anwar Ibrahim (yes..you can repeat that again and again and I won't sue you), seeing his picture with this Missuari Lad....it's only normal to think that he has something to do with the incident....well if he isn't then, why the picture? why the newspaper reports from our neighbor mentioned him?...who feed them with this information....and why? why? why do they meet? but does it matter now?
I might be misled to believe what I want to believe....but it doesn't change a thing...the Sulu standoff is real....and the whole Malaysia feel the heat...
Lets not be political about this incident...I'm done talking about him anyway coz I have a hunch this incident is beyond him....perhaps it a butterfly effect...one thing leads to another big thing....as a common people without the power of knowledge and the perfect tool to utilize it....it's kinda difficult for us to judge...to analyse thing...coz we have to look at thing from different aspects and angles....we cannot accept one thing and discard the rest..well the think tank exist for a reason....so I think it's better to take off my curiosity hat temporarily and observe the whole thing from afar and pray that it will be over soon....
So for those who keep on dramatize the whole issue, who keep finding fault, who knows how to criticize....but fled the scene when shit got serious...I just don't think you have a right to actually say anything at all...I wasn't there so I have no right to comment on things....you were there and fled the scene...and you dare say like you are the victim and it is everybody's fault....it's only natural that I feel sick at you...