that mak datin...i wish i could insult her to her face...huh....

Again with that mak datin.....she's driving me crazy....now she is not satisfied with me coz i only give one page genuine task to my pupils and no homework to my class...she said that my task doesn't have much quality compared to 4 pages of photocopied task sheet taken from the comersialised reference book distributed by the English teacher who taught the first class...maybe she forgot that I taught the last class....if they are too lazy to write even five simple sentences and never finish a simple task given as a homework..what would happen if I photocopy what is there in the book so that they can cut and paste them in the exercise book and wait for the task sheet to be fossilized....untouched...and people said teachers know what's best for their students....yeah i suppose what is actually best for the student now is abundance of task that pupils won't be able to accomplish....or simply too lazy to do,instead of doing the task within their own capacity...
Phew....I learn the hard way.....let's photocopy all the task sheets...so you can be a true educator...the more you give tasks to pupils....the better teacher you are....btw I hope the school can provide the teachers with the photocopy machine....becoz the last time i check....the small kampung school that I use to work has that goddamn photostat machine...
The GB always tell me that sk convent jln peel is a mordern big school compared to the small and kampung sk senggarang which in her understanding is located in Muar...yeah right....like 2 hours further perhaps.....i almost laugh hearing that.....she said that I should adjust to working here.. in the so called modern and quicker pace atmosphere....i really want to love this school....but she makes it hard for me....everybody knows i love my previous school dearly....if only sk senggarang could actually be moved to kl.....huhuhu......dream on.....comparing the two it's like i'm living twenty years backward in the new school.....
This is the details about SK Senggarang.....it has a big field...it has a hall....it has sick bay....it has three computer labs equipped with unlimited wifi service 24 hours a day and has 3 separate hot spots..with no password..everyone can use it...it has two preschools, another department for pendidikan khas.....it has parking lots....it has audio room....every computer labs are equipped with LCD projectors..and speakers attached to it.the scanner and the printer..(i never print my own task sheet with my own printer while working there)..and the technician to maintain the system and the operation.....the video room has 34 inches TV with kampus astro package.....and LCD projector of course.....the examination secretary has her own room and her own computer plus printer and scanner....provided by the school.....every subject panel are given with radio.....and the school actually has a great PA system.....the music room is equipped with instrumental guitar, the bass, the electric guitar, the keyboard, the drum set....and the freaking piano.....the staff room is air conditioned.....and has wifi connection.....see i can online even in the toilet.....the school even has LCD projector attached at most of the classrooms.....well yeah....i was spoilt while teaching there....although the teachers there like to claw and tear each other to pieces....but everything is great....great GB..he's now DG48..great organisation....coz they have such things call pengkhususan...teachers won't be caught doing unnecessary stuffs that is not their business in the first place...so i never have to stamp my pupils' exercise book...coz the PA will do that for me....or stamp my daily planner...coz the PA will do that for me....or to photocopy the damn task sheets myself....coz the PA will do that for....my school has the best PA any school would wish to have....and even the security guards actually received the award for best service throughout the entire Johor....and I respected them so much....there's no need for the CCTV...coz they are able to give the best security to the pupils and the teachers....the head of the PTA association is YB from that area and the school's backer is Dato Fuad Zarkashi himself....money shortage?? what the hell is that?? plus..the canteen food is nice and cheap....yeah I forgot to mention...teachers don't have to buy non permanent marker....they just go to the office and PT will give them the new one...everytime...always....not only marker...duster...thumb tack...bullet for the stapler...the envelope....it's there....and talking about teacher's aid...we have a roomful of that...and we can ask PT to buy them if it is within our budget to do so.... it has the thing that we called punch card machine...which we punch our attendance card in it....owh...not forgetting it has two air conditioned meeting room enough to fit 70-80 teachers at one time....and the teachers were never asked to work on Sunday....
now here is the detail about SK convent jln peel...limited parking space..teachers have to come early to find parking spot...unlucky for the afternoon session teacher...coz we are obliged to come as early as twelve o'clock but then having difficulty to park our car..the security guard sucks...there are two cases of pupils missing already....serve the datin well for that....there are two computer labs...one is apparently not working coz all the computers are virus-ridden....it's appalling to know that there is no technician hired to maintain the computers....the other computer lab....has one kapult every five minutes LCD projector minus the remote....the computer is slower than the walking zombie....what's audio room? what's music room? we only have one radio for the whole school. we still use the wired microphone....for god sake...it is wired.....we don't have a field....we don't have a hall.....we only have 9 functioning classroom.....holding the capacity of 600 pupils...the staff room is small with no air condition....the canteen food sucks and expensive...pupils actually pay rm1 to eat nasi lemak with only the sambal....there's not enough text book for the teachers...i don't even know where to look for the teacher's aid....coz they don't have that room....the examination secretary doesn't have her own room...and she has to use an old computer that makes any xp users smile....and that freaking computer is placed inside the admin room...the only wifi available in school is from the p1wimax modem placed inside the GB room....it is password protected...but knowing her...i was able to crack the password within 2 days.....and other teachers are quite shocked when they found out and secretly asking me for the password....piece of cake...i have to print my own task sheet now...sob sob...and photocopy them...with my own money.....sob sob...i write my attendance in a log book....what???? the Datin herself is the chairman for PTA association.....no wonder she could spend thousands of that PTA money to install CCTV....yet we have a teachers' meeting in the classroom....
See Datin... you are right...it's kinda hard for me to adjust..not because of my kampungness..but because of your condescending attitude...coz I've been spoilt too much...I was at a higher place before...people know me and certify me of my capability... although I'm still a newbie..they have trust in me..they see my work and approve of it....people higher than you...my work that you claim to have less quality that commercial book on the market was distributed throughout Johor as guidance for other teachers..so when the reality hits me...it hits me deep....i actually make peace with this school condition.....but you and your overbearing attitude and ridiculous arrogance starts getting on my nerve....you act high and mighty because of the title your husband earn when in the reality we share the same DG.....both of us still at 41....yeah right...you and I...you are a GB...so you have a lot of experience...i respect you for that...but when you start undermining my work and degrading it...you've crossed the line....a smart people will never interfere in the area that they are not familiar with.....so don't mess with mine.....coz when it comes to KSSR...i know a great deal than you.....and the other teacher of yours....but then again....here in KL....i was just a mere English teacher....i love the kids...but i no longer enjoy my job....after three years of teachings...those idealism and romance of teaching that I have is tarnished little by little with shitty things like you and your politics...
Well....i had enough of it...thanks for making it clear to me what I am suppose to do....i'm done changing myself to fit you....now I'm going to do what I'm going to do..and after finish my business here..I will find some place where the passion for teaching is overestimated and statistics of the result is underestimated.......

Hey you....

Hey you....I dreamt about you again...or perhaps i just want to see you so much that i dream of you...this time..you were reading a comic...and i just watched you while lying on the bed....we were just kids...looks like we were about 15 or 16.....
Well...these past three years...things had not go so well for me...you know...felt like i lost control of myself....i know i promise you that i will build a new life...that i will throw away about the past....to tell you the truth...I feel tired again....and I don't know where to start....it seems like a trend now that when i'm clueless and doesn't know what to do...i will keep thinking of you...awww.....I know I'm being delusional again...I know what i'm suppose to do....but at this moment, once again i have an issue with doubt...or probably I'm just being lazy...i started to avoid things that I don't like to deal with....
Well....just in case things doesn't work...and i choose to let go....would you wait for me?? haha...now I'm just pushing my luck with you....but just saying....if it's my turn to get to the other side...will i be able to join you?? you know...recently I've been thinking and absorbing so many ideas...which I'm clueless as to whether to believe or not to believe.....and i wonder...at the other side...will feeling still exist??? you know...such things as love or hatred or frustration or contentment....will we be able to communicate...talk...or we have some kind of telepathy communication....but just in case..i mean i really hope..if it's my turn....please be there for me...
but....just so you know, i'm not trying to quit at this moment...maybe i should give myself another three years to turn things around....You do think i deserve that three years, right?? I always think that you deserve more time...but God knows better and I'm not in a good position to argue with god....but I'm beginning to think that I don't do justice with my life....i should change i guess..be a better person..I'm so full of bad things...hatred, jealousy, pride....but I don't know how to change.....i'm so used to be a negative person...and give other people the uncomfortable condescending vibe...and I still hate older man a great deal...the paranoia won't go away....i'm so worried since I'm not getting any younger.....
Well..enough about these unpleasant stuff..it's been a while since i stop by, maybe tomorrow i will....be sure to greet me....if the tree is big enough  for me to sit under....perhaps tomorrow i will stay longer....i have lots to talk about...well I know...i might just fantasize the whole things...but thanks for being there for me....even in the form of my figment of imagination....your smile does make me feel better...a lil bit....i guess i'm still human after all....

A sign of desperation..

Lately I see, it is becoming a trend for a guy to moan about how they are "forever alone" and no one wants to date them...and I've been web surfing the internet...and to my finding, although maybe a bit inaccurate...these guys wants hot girl....although they keep saying they wanted the girl their type...you know girls who read comics, listen to rock music, play video game and such....but in the end they still choose someone who has no interest with all that....someone who is HOT...when they are not able to get the girl...they start with the friendzoned thingy....about how hot girls only one douche bag and sweet and amiable being like them will never win....they bitch and they whine....
I have this type of guy in my fb list of friends....he is hot, come from a respectable family, although still studying which i find as a bit less appetizing coz he is my age, but i still keep him in my friends' list. He too still keep me as his friend...we never chat, we never exchange messages or comment each other...the one that connect us is through games...he a gamer....which i am...beside online game we have no contact with each other in real life....but he doesn't limit his profile to me...so i could see almost anything in my news page about him....everyday he whines about being lonely...about being shy, about being overlooked by girls...which reminds me of myself....i see the same spitting image of me in him....
so i decided.....why don't i say something about him in my fb about him....more like and invitation to date...i have nothing to lose by the way....the worst thing he could do is delete me from his friends' list.....two days....he still in my news page.....apparently this guy is thick in the skull....he doesn't say anything and yet he still keeping as gaming companion....
but the reaction from my fb friends is quite blowing....three of the guys commented that my status sounds so desperate....hahahaha....after hundred years of women's liberation....invitation to date by a girl is considered desperation...when i thought it's a harmless gesture....but at least i caught a glimpse of the community in which i live in...and i wonder, well although i'm still single...I didn't just hit the street and pick any guy out there...i decline three attempt of date so far...i refuse to step foot in the club or some bar...which i find is quite low if you consider having a relationship with someone there....and didn't go to my mom asking her to find me a husband because i desperately needed one..... but just because of one status i made....now it does sounds like i'm quite desperate..wonder if i make this status 5 years ago....will the perception be different....a harmless invitation to date at the age of 22 years might sound so bold...but when you are 27...it sounds so desperate...sigh.....i rest my case....

Just my luck

While browsing through the newspaper today, I just realized Dr Raymond...My Doc  is in Info Sihat by Mingguan malaysia today...talking about "kembalikan deria bau"...hahaha...never thought such a reputable doc as he is...with all the credentials and everything...will accidentally tear my salur darah....awww....i'm not gonna sue....but i will try to convince him to reduce his fee a lil bit....
My sis talked me about the possibility of suing if I happened to lose my sense of smell...luckily....everything work find.....my mom said i should just consider myself as lucky to be alive....though she also hint to me...that I might have a shorter life span due to my style of living...she will not be shocked if I suddenly croak...drop dead if I keep on living the way I am....
I did make some changes, and i think it's time I'm taking things seriously...with of the pills that I popped into my mouth....I don't think my body can tolerate it much longer...my liver could just shrivel and snap...I wish i could live somewhere where the environment is less toxic....and the source of food is more organic....but now, considering i don't have much time to postpone dealing with my lifestyle problem...i should make the best of everything....
Quitting eating fast food is the challenge...I have to say that at this moment I crave Domino Pizza that it makes me salivate just thinking about it...finding cheap healthy activity to be done alone is a headache...especially when people around you are not so fond of active lifestyle...my younger brother is on a diet and enjoy the healthy lifestyle...unfortunately since he is a boy and his bunch of friends are boys....it's kind of difficult to jump the boat and join them.....
So I'm still looking for any posibble activity that i can do by myself.....that don'r easily get me bored and I am actually having fun doing it...
What I've learnt about these past trip to the hospital.... every time before I go black out...whether during the operation or due to some technical errors in judgement by the doctors....the only one thing I keep thinking..."I haven't done much....I wish could do something I'm good at....I wish I will achieve success doing that...that I'm not merely just living and surviving....but living life to the fullest....I don't want to die today....probably some day...but not today...not before I know what I should do with my life"......but then when i open my eyes...everything has becoming blurr.....sigh...i wish i could do something fruitful about my life before I just drop dead...at least when i died...people will say "owhhh....that's the girl that accomplish something...a life well spent indeed..."

friendship bg aku la....mungkin tidak bgmu.....

will smith ade berkata "if you are not there during my downfall..just don't be there during my success..."...berkawan ni bukan give and take...is not as simple as "nanti aku g kenduri kawin rumah ko, ko mesti g kenduri kawin rumah aku..."it's complicated la...aku xpernah pun tolak kawan aku....datang je, aku terima....xde....aku wat dek je....mebi somewhere along d line ramai yg dah makan hati....dalam fb kemain bising....kat luar...batang idung pun susah nampak....aku xtau la kan aku memang ade bipolar disorder....tp nampaknye simptom tu mmg ade  dah....kadang2 aku nk jumpe gak kawan2 lame...tp takut nnt bile jumpe....xde bende nk cakap...common interest dah kurang la...so jgnlah di ajak aku keluar beramai2...aku igt aku boleh...rupe2nye xbley....my words and my level of sarcasm sudah beyond limit untuk orang yg dah lama xhang out dgn aku....i just don't know how to act normal without being judged as woman with conscience as thin as a tissue paper....people change...mind change...priority change....ramai member dah ade family...aku paham...I'm not complaining pun....sorry la kdg2 aku xupdate....or xbgtau mende2 penting....bapak aku pun kadang2 aku lupe nk bgtau....apatah ag member...korang pun dh ade life sendri...nak hang out....call je...klu aku free...bley la kuar....kdg2 aku malas....aku ag suka mengadap komputer dari mengadap dunia luar....kadang2 aku complaining a lot on FB coz aku malas call membebel kat member2 aku.....murah sket kalau memekak di FB....aku kan cheapskate....most of the time...aku igt fb ni de kwn2 aku je.....banyak dah aku delete org kt fb aku....aku sebenarnye de application unfriend finder...aku aku bley tau sape activate, sape deactivate, sape delete, sape xdelete.....Alhamdulillah...xde sape dlm senarai friend list aku yg delete aku......klu de pun unsubscribe je.....aku pun ramai unsubscribe org kt fb nih.....so wa xde hal.....i know FB is not something private...but since i limited my profile to only friend....so I guess whatever happened in FB...will be in your wise judgement to get it out or otherwise.....yep aku ade block beberape individu....sebab aku rasa hidup aku dan mereka lebih aman jika begitu....I know I'm not perfect...but i just hate hypocrisy look me in the eye when it promises nothing but loveless or maybe grudge perhaps...so daripada aku mengadap tgk muka yg sweet and innocent gile dpn aku tp dalam aku xtau de ape.....dari aku terus berburuk sangka...baik aku block
 (to you...i don't know if you read my blog...i don't block you here because you are free to comment as much as you like in my blog....but in FB....i don't want to see even the shadow of yours...when you are young...you do something stupid....and you promise not to do it again....and being totally crazy at the moment I couldn't think straight....coz unlike your well loved ass....I wasn't watered properly to bloom into such a beautiful rose as you are...so I chose to be a carnation...the retarded version of the rose without the sweet smell that people see mostly at the grave or on the condensed milk can..The only asset is my IQ...but it stop expanding when I'm 17....and I'm left with nothing.....you see...I was born to naturally hate people and beginning to like some of them...and along the way disliking them again...i live an imaginary life coz it made me forget who I am...You don't go home seeing what I've seen....but with that sweet look on your face....you pull out the drama....and people actually believe it...there is never not a moment I wish I could be as sweet as you...but I can't....coz I'm not sweet at all....I don't know how to make people feel better around me...so i lied..and people liked it that i lie..and now when we grew up...I hate you for pretending that everything is okay and try to invade my life....wonder how I didn't smile at you when we saw each other at the restaurant recently....coz I'm done trying....I can't fake our friendship like you did.....and I don't know whose obsession it actually is....I want it to be over....just don't try.....the fakeness makes me want to vomit....and reminds me how we really hate each other although people thought we were actually best friends.....we didn't....and we won't...full stop)
I judge people as bad as people judge me...sometimes I judge my friend.... a lot....more than I judge others.....I always compare and contrast between two person and another more....finding reasons...trying to justify why and how....and WUT??????and if i don't feel like it....i get away from it.....I don't like to be with the person that I judge....i can be nice...but don't give me that hug you give your best friend to...I don't need it...so let go....it's not worth it....and sometimes my friend...yeah...I know you feel like killing me, making a voodoo doll out of me....or just cut my tongue dry....I never have the intention to let you fall....I am a selfish person...a person who just don't say hi to you in public if I don't know you enough....but I won't let you fall...if you want to stand back up...i will lend you a hand....but if you choose to be there...fine...just stay there...and if you are happened to be on top again and being surrounded by your true friend....it's OK...at least once....I was there....and not somewhere else....friendship is to know your friend and to know what best for them and wishing them for the best.....friendship is a chained reaction...you don't have to attach to one person forever...you expand and outgrow the friendship...but the memories are still there...they don't disappear...
I appreciate all my friends...some of them are very good to me, some are mean, some are just hilarious, some are freaking annoying....but only some that you choose to hang with....then again friendship is not give and take.or a bond that bind you forever....it's more like...an opportunity to be in somebody's life....even for a little while....and not regretting it....so klu ade sape2 yg regret berkawan dgn aku.....just leave.....the door is open...and if you stay...i totally appreciate it.....

something disturbing at my school..you be d judge...

Sebenarnya post aku nih ada berkaitan dengan agama sikit...actually 2 3 kali gak la aku pikir nk wat post ni ke tidak...sebab aku xtau bertapa serious kah isu yg akan aku tulis ni...
Esok sepatutnya akan diadakan sambutan maulidur rasul peringkat sekolah...segala kertas kerja, jadual waktu dan aturcara ustazah2 sekolah aku dah disiapkan dan dah dipersetujui 2 minggu yg lepas..memang akan ambil masa sepanjang waktu persekolahan.alih2 td penyelia petang masuk bilik guru, cakap dgn ustazah supaya sambutan maulidur rasul di buat pada lewat petang dan cuma dalam masa setengah jam....imagine sambut maulidurrasul setengah jam...atas alasan GB dapat surat pekeliling tidak boleh sambut majlis pada waktu P&P...klu ikut GB memang xbuat terus...tp penyelia petang kautim supaya majlis tu dibuat selama setengah jam..terkedu aku tgk ustazah yg jd penyelaras acara untuk esok tu...dia terus tanya kat aku "Amy rasa zalim tak dia buat macam ni...ini maulidurrasul ni...nak sambut hari jadi nabi...dia sekat2 samapai bg masa setengah jam je...then ada seorang guru India mencelah..."do you know dia nak buat mesyuarat PIBG pada hari Ahad 8.00-12 tgh hari...It's the time we go to the church....I already explain to her...and she knows christians go to church that day...but she insist to the the meting on that day...klu xmahu dtg...dia suro sign surat tunjuk sebab...what kind of tyranny is this??? imagine kalau I jd GB I cakap dekat cikgu lelaki islam...you jgn pergi sembahyang jumaat...you pergi meeting...kalau x i suruh bg you sign surat tunjuk sebab...mesti you all semua dah mengamuk masuk paper kan...."....this is real??? so you be the judge...klu selama ni aku memang kutuk dia maybe la sebab aku ni bukan pekerja yg bagus...or banyak songeh...tp kalau dah masuk bab agama macam ni...pe citer?