I guess I am the egg.....

A male friend of mine try to hook me up with his friend...a nice guy at the age of 31.... a Malay Singaporean citizen but working in one of the private college in Kl as a lecturer for culinary classes...he's smart, know how to cook and a home boy (yeah..most of my male friends are aware about the specificity....) or else they won't bother play cupid....

We exchange emails, picture of each others and SMS messages. I am not so hopeful myself, as I'm not at the top of my best self.....take everything as slowly as I could....he seems very intelligent when we converse with each other...and seems very respectful. He avoid using all the remarks I have allergies on like calling me honey, baby, sweety or such nonsense....he doesn't even try to use a baby language a.k.a ( retarded mode of lovey dovey for lovesick teenagers type of conversation) with me....I give him credit for that....he seems mature...but considering his age...it's reasonable for him to display that characteristic...

So he thought, it is about time we go to the next stage...meeting for real...I truly hate this part....I really don't want to do that...part of me refuse to be turned down after the first meeting. Hesitantly about the idea, i try to buy some times....giving excuses every time he try to bring the issue up....the truth is, I'm just not ready....

So my friend called me and asked WTF am I doing...I told him, I'm not ready in which he replied...grow old and wither by yourself then....I don't know how to right your messed up head anymore...I asked him...this man you hook me up with....do you think he would even consider me in real life? He replied "I don't know Amy, he seems nice enough, his track record with girlfriend possibly shorter than you are. You two could be friend, at least....You know it's kinda hard to find a Malay Malaysian male that really approved of the way you lead your life....and this guy doesn't care shit about stuff" 

Being really offended about the 'statement of how I live my life', I can't help but raise my voice...and said just because you are happily married now, you can't simply tell me that I lead my life the wrong way...You used to be like me...you used to be screw up too....don't you forget who you were....

Realizing he went too far, he apologize but he still insist that he's really mad with me. I told him, I'm just not ready. I will work things out somehow....thanks for being so concern.....

The truth is, i'm just tired....I told my other friend...I'm tired of convincing people....I'm tired of constantly being judged for being myself...the pass experience still haunt me...hearing words like I am not good enough is killing every confident bones in my body....I just don't want to get hurt again..I never be good enough... i never be good enough....after everything I did, i never be good enough....it's not enough that I don't slut myself around...I must condone to certain custom to preserve my Malayness.....it's not enough that I have a somehow level headed conscience and faith...I must abide and condone to culture and customs practices that emphasize on physical appearances for the sake of convincing other people...that I am really good....like preaching to others is good, like being so self-absorbed about my own religion is good...it's not enough that I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't just open my leg to man....I must be a hypocrite too....like being all goody

two shoes to impress guys..covering myself from head to toes to show that I'm really really good..fuck that....I don't care...If I have to wither and die by myself...so be it....I'm tired...

Remember the story about the carrot, the egg and the coffee...when you put them into the boiling water, the carrot went soft, the egg went hard and the coffee gave good smell....You know what...I am the egg...the hard boiled egg....I hate carrot and coffee gives me migraine....so egg will be just fine....

kawan-kawanku....

Dear friend, after so much consideration... I decided to lay some ground about the way we connect with each other, as a friend said "it's not a good habit, you know, talking about other people, especially your friend" although it's hard to swallow..I think I need to take her advice.So help me change by

1) remind me that it's wrong when I decides to talk about other people especially a friend..although how freaking mad I am with them....or for whatever reason...

2) Don't call or sms me to ask about other people's life....whoever they are...(if you want to ask about my life...that would be very much welcomed)...
I know I sounded like a hypocrite biatch by saying this...but doing the number 1, makes me feel bad about myself in the long run although it's fun to judge people and gossip about them and the number 2 makes me want to slap your face....

And for the additional remarks...if you are not my close friend and you really want to know about my life...feel free to inbox me..but make sure you are really concern about me...and not just because you are busybody....yeah...I am busybody too...I'm curious about a lot of things...I don't want to be poyo here and claim myself as sudah insaf or bertaubat nasuha....coz in the future..the possibility I revert to talking about other people again is high....I'm a female creature...and that's what female does....but just remind me about it....you know...not in the sort of like berceramah way macam ko sorang je alim pengikut ahli Sunnah Waljamaah...but as a friend...with laugh and jokes....if it's not too hard to do that...and stop asking me about other people...I don't want to be other people's representative...I'm not qualified for that...I'm obsolete and unreliable...but if you want to share stories about other people...I don't mind listening....

And one more thing, don't argue with me...i don't have that strength anymore...don't be so defensive....If you keep arguing with me...I just keep quiet and say no more...I know I'm not always right and sometimes I even act like possessing the IQ equals to a bimbo...but it just my nature to act childishly for my defense mechanism...so if I'm trying your patience...trust me, my patience is running dry too....

And don't snap at me when I'm not finished talking or look down on me or patronizing me the same way you did with your little siblings....I am not...there are things that you know better...but there are things I do know too...don't even think that you are in a better position than me that you are always right all the time...we have to be respectful towards each other...we must....I don't want to lose the few friends I have anymore....you know, the one who really cares about me...so if you guys really concern about me..so dengan rasa rendah dirinya..help me help myself, help me be a better person... urggghhhh....poyo nye aku....

Selfish is the new me....

Selfish is the best to describe me at the moment....I am aware of this changes in me recently....not that i really a caring person before anyway...
Why am I becoming even worse than before? I used to be the type who gives a ride to just about anyone, who willing to lend a hand to people when they are in need, who would be willing to step in to get people out of a deep shit.....but now...something inside me keep telling me...."back off...it has nothing to do with you"...
I really have no idea how people think of me...but I get the feeling..for them, I'm just a selfish stuck up bitch who has low inferiority complex....just nice enough to work with but not nice enough to hang out with....perhaps I'm uptight or I really just don't care or it's my nature to push people away...especially the new acquaintances....
Perhaps aging makes you become less tolerant in bullshits....a friend told me off one day saying "when you spend to much time facebooking, you become absorbed in your own little world and everyone's else doesn't matter.....it's a sign of selfishness...." there's a truth in her words....coz I refuse to have a life outside my own life....to start over with the new friendship...to tolerate more crappy things....perhaps I'm just tired or I just don't want to be a burden or a chain to restrain other people....or perhaps I just don't want to look stupid or illiterate....
For god sake...I'm 28 years old...I love to have fun...and my definition of having fun is going to some concerts and gigs...or just having a fun relaxing healthy outdoor activity..or going to a spa treatment..travelling and exploring new things...that's the way I really am....I'm really a jester...someone who makes stupid jokes...bring some laughter to the people...but everybody knows I'm awkward at socializing...I hate crowds....and now, every one is so busy leading their own life that I have no friend to travel with...to jog with...to go to the beach....
And of course the sight of seeing people whose definition of fun by consuming Irish nectar and party all night make me sick....smoking, drinking or partying are not healthy...although I'm well aware that slothing on my couch and eat whatever is on the fridge is not  healthy too....perhaps that's the reason why I keep my mouth zipped and look the other way...coz I am no better...
I know I should just be honest, be friendlier,be more concern...but I don't have that kind of strength anymore...I know deep inside...everyone is good...but my conscience keep telling me...that it's better for everyone that I'm not involved...that I'm not in the picture at all...
I'm done trying to win people's heart....I did that for more than 3 years....but I still haven't managed to earn a new friend...three years where people only find me when they want to use me....I know things are different here...but something telling me..."If I have no use for them...they won't bother to stay with me...."
I really feel bad for what I did, for things I avoid to do....like giving a ride when the heavy rain falls...not visiting a colleague when they are warded in the hospital...for not comforting when they are in trouble...its bad for my conscience...but good for everybody else..like you don't have to ask me to hang out with you guys for the sake of courtesy....you don't have to cover up anything if I wasn't there....you can breath easy....so it's fine with me....really....

the annoyed and the annoying....

Hahaha..I have an urge to slap somebody's face.... the whole Sulu Intrusion on Sabah irks me in some ways different than it should be...
I'm not an expert when it comes to territorial disputes...hell...those things are heavy....but it just my luck that before this incident happen...my group has to do the presentation and written assignment for regional security in ASEAN...and guess what....my part is territorial disputes...although it is more focused on China VS South East Asia.....but upon reading the whole thing I could manage to gather from different resources....even my group mate has mentioned about how Philippines still hold on to Sabah until now....it just normal for me to start digging...in order to understand the situation better....and regarding this issue...looking back at the whole content of our group presentation...I studied that Malaysia is a training center for Psy-Ops and Psy-War tactical combat for counter terrorism ..so out of curiosity...I start reading more on that stuff....and i realize....OMG...that was beyond heavy...and complicated...like a pair of tangled strings.....you can't just untangle one but all of them...
And it comes to my knowledge that my cousin has a direct involvement in the incident....it's only natural for me to be nosy and ask him things....but he replied by saying...I could not say more about the whole thing..but trust me it's not a drama...I could die tomorrow and it's not a drama...me holding the gun is real...me have to blow people's head is real...so just pray that I will be save back home....
So in order to respect that...I try as hard to shut my mouth (not working i guess)....and thanks to my shallow knowledge of the whole thing...well, although I learn about security...it is not really my forte or passion...i just indulge them to fill my curiosity....well...I'm a pacifist (duhhhhh....) so I believe that conflict is best resolved without bloodbath....but most people find this soft approach as a joke...a sign of weakness...what more can I say....terrorist has human right too (puiiihhhh....) I don't really condone with the way things work regarding this issue....but who cares....there's nothing much I can do but pray for the safety of our warriors and the people there....
And of course....as a human being...I can't help but being biased and easily influenced...well, it's an  open secret that I don't like Anwar Ibrahim (yes..you can repeat that again and again and I won't sue you), seeing his picture with this Missuari Lad....it's only normal to think that he has something to do with the incident....well if he isn't then, why the picture? why the newspaper reports from our neighbor mentioned him?...who feed them with this information....and why? why? why do they meet? but does it matter now?
I might be misled to believe what I want to believe....but it doesn't change a thing...the Sulu standoff is real....and the whole Malaysia feel the heat...
Lets not be political about this incident...I'm done talking about him anyway coz I have a hunch this incident is beyond him....perhaps it a butterfly effect...one thing leads to another big thing....as a common people without the power of knowledge and the perfect tool to utilize it....it's kinda difficult for us to judge...to analyse thing...coz we have to look at thing from different aspects and angles....we cannot accept one thing and discard the rest..well the think tank exist for a reason....so I think it's better to take off my curiosity hat temporarily and observe the whole thing from afar and pray that it will be over soon....
So for those who keep on dramatize the whole issue, who keep finding fault, who knows how to criticize....but fled the scene when shit got serious...I just don't think you have a right to actually say anything at all...I wasn't there so I have no right to comment on things....you were there and fled the scene...and you dare say like you are the victim and it is everybody's fault....it's only natural that I feel sick at you...

Ini semua Poyo....

Rase nk lempang je status angkuh seorg rakan yg mengatakan duit BR1M rm500 tu, beli susu anak dia sebulan pun xlepas apetah lagi utk beli brg runcit setahun....mungkin dia pun bermasalah so xbley breast feed or bg anak minum susu murah...tp perlu ke memperlekeh kan duit BR1M sampai macam tu sekali? Teringat aku pada murid2 aku yg betul2 susah di kampung...rm500 bg mak bapak diorg amat besar...duit itu cukup beli beras setahun....kot ye pun ko nak menghina kerajaan or nak menghina PM...tp ayat tu sila jaga...setiap cikgu kat sekolah tahu berapa banyak zakat, bantuan baitulmal, bantuan JKM dan bantuan ihsan kerajaan, RMT, program susu dan vitamin yang diperuntukkan untuk pelajar-pelajar..seburuk2 kerajaan yg korang kutuk ni skang bagi pendidikan  percuma utk primary education dgn secondary education. Kerajaan memang xperfect, corrupt.....tp xde semua yg diorg buat korang boleh perlekehkan...cuba jadi manusia yang ada otak yang boleh membezakan ideologi politik dengan kehidupan sebenar..kalau kau tak mampu membantu...jgn kritik apa yg orang lain buat...at least aku main peranan untuk bentuk generasi masa depan jadi orang berguna...kau buat apa...menghentam mengutuk kerajaan...tapi ape sumbangan ko kepada negara ko...ooopsss....aku lupe...ko byr income tax.....puihhhh....tokey casino Genting yg byr  million2 income tax pun xbising macam ko....
and lagi satu...pergh...sedap ayat minah ni...kata rm10 xbley beli apa kt Malaysia...tp klu 10 sing Dollar, byk bley beli....terguling aku jap....ko try beli air mineral kt Singapore dgn 10 Sing Dollar tu...tgk berapa botol ko bley beli....lecturer aku kata..."when talking about how Malaysia wants to stop the water supply to Singapore....I sense the real terror in their eyes..." coz rakan2 sekalian, the water at the moment we speak now is damn expensive there..ko try g beli murtabak singapore dekat restoran zam zam dgn duit 10 sing Dollar tu...dapat x?..aku beli murtabak ayam Malaysia paling mahal kat Restoran Q Bistro pun baru rm6.00++...do the math la sis...  unless klu ko convert duit 10 sing Dollar tu ke rm or rupiah....bley la beli kain batik dua pasang kt Tanjung Balai....
Kalau Malaysia nak naikkan value rm....boleh je....tp dgn kos sedia ada sekarang ni...ko mampu? flat HDB skang pun arge nak dekat 2 juta....klu xkawin xbley beli rumah....kene tunggu mak bapak mati...baru bley waris rumah....itu pun kena kawin dulu....don't always look at the greener side la....sampai ko lupa comfort yg ade kat tempat sendiri....
Sama juga, bila orang asik cakap....Malaysia ni dah xselamat...polis makan gaji buta....well polis memang sepatutnya jalankan tanggungjawab...tp HELLO....look at the mirror please....bile ko nampak org bergaduh tgh jalan....or kene rompak...kene ragut....berapa percentage yg akan tolong...bile ko tgk jiran ko bertengkar...terjerit pekik...berapa ramai yg pergi ketuk pintu rumah diorg....alih2...bila de bini ke, anak ke, or laki mati kena bunuh....keluar la jawapan cliche dari jiran tetangga "oh...kami memang selalu nampak kesan lebam pada mangsa, ibu mangsa memang selalu memukul mangsa, pasangan ini memang kerap bertengkar....bla bla bla...."tp coz bukan masalah ko...ko malas nak amik port kan....sedangkan nampak kucing kena sepak pun...ko buat dek....orang buta nk lintas jalan ko pandang lalu je....orang tua dlm LRT pun ko xbg tempat duduk....walaupun kes culik budak makin berleluasa...tp masih ramai mak bapak yg lambat ambil anak dari sekolah, tinggalkan anak dalam kereta, or biarkan anak pergi kedai sendiri....
quoted from my coursemate "I would like to have a peace of mind knowing that my sister is safe although she walks alone in the middle of the night...even at 2am in the morning........" seriously dude...where do you think you live? Bandar Seri Begawan where the population is 400000 people....name me one place that have 100% certainty that you will be safe to walk alone at the middle of the night.....none....the predator is always lurking....you are the one who has to make a change...what kind of parents or brother who will let their daughter or sister go out at the middle of the night alone...you want an urban life, where life goes on 24 hours...you want to have some fun going to the club at the wee hour...or lepaking at some mamak stall....but the spillover effect of this so called urbanization is the increase of crime, bro..like the other side of the coin..you cannot just have one side....you must have both....does stopping the overflow of the migrants help in eradicating crime...statistic shows...the person who likely to kill you is someone who close to you who have an intimate relationship with you....so start using your brain and be good...change yourself...be more caring...more nosy...if there is a girl crying at the middle of the mall...stop and ask her what's wrong...if someone crying for help....go immediately to help them...if you are so scared to go alone to pick your car at the parking lot...insist for the guard to accompany you there..."just be vigilant and alert....crime will always happen...but we can change the way we deal with it...
Aku tau macam mane rasa takut...rumah aku pernah kena pecah masuk...sekali di rumah sewa...sekali di rumah aku di Ampang ni sendiri, and aku pernah face to face jumpe orang yg attemp nk pecah masuk rumah aku mase aku duk PJ dulu...kereta aku pernah kena pecah.....aku pernah duduk rumah sorang2....so aku bukak TV sampai pagi utk buat rumah aku bising...sebab tak mau pencuri masuk...and masa aku bwk kereta aku pernah kena ikut dgn motor 2 kali....nasib baik aku perasan and xstraight balik rumah...aku berhenti dekat depan kedai makan yg byk org...baru la motor tu chow...walaupun xde kes yg melibatkan hidup dan mati...but I had my share of fear and paranoia...but I blame the criminal, orang yg pecah masuk rumah aku..orang yg pecah masuk kereta aku...orang yg ikut kereta aku....bukan blame polis sebab xjaga...rumah sewa aku dulu...polis round setiap malam...bile aku call polis...xsampai 5 minit diorg dh respond...so they do their job...but since xde org terbunuh kan...dan cuma kehilangan harta benda je...so diorg xde la amik port sgt...so klu korg rase ape polis buat xcukup bagus...pe kate ko join persatuan penduduk or JKKK tempat ko....and buat aktiviti rukun tentangga waktu malam...aku kat Batu Pahat dulu join ok....coz aku duk sorg...n aku pompuan....so aku ase dgn care n buat aku ase selamat....so xyah nak kate aku poyo or pandai cakap je....
So....ideal world is not an easy path....lagi2 kalau semua orang tahu cakap...tau kritik tapi xbuat apa2 utk perubahan....start from yourself...jadilah orang yg menyumbang walaupun sedikit...bukan hanya tau mengambil dan terus mengambil....aku sedar diri xperfect...dan orang yg baca post ni pun mesti rase....owah Amy sangat poyo...tp skang baru puas ati aku....hahahahaha...ahhh...sunggu poyo....

A good news...perhaps....

I got the email just now, I kind of expecting going to Milan for my internship.....but it seems like the wind try to bring be to Frankfurt..and beggars can't be choosers right.....I totally have no clue about German...I was so preoccupied with the enchanting Italy and the story of good fellas and wiseguys....the land of Pompei....Vienna riverbank, Da Vinci last supper, Vatican City...and the city of fashion itself....never ever considered about Germany at all...hopefully, things will turn out ok....I'm wondering....will Frankfurt be enchanting enough....hahaha...my knowledge on German is limited to Volkswagen and beer fest ....and the subway tube.....i would like to see myself survive there....

It just how it ends....

A friend describes me as someone with erratic behavior....although I might look easy to be read but nothing about me is predictable...therefore, every time I come out with surprises...for people, they knew it all along, and kinda expected that...it just like a paradox...that I'm so random and being random is what people expected from me...
A friend said, that by aging...it makes me lame, that I whine more, that I shun myself from people, that I find fault in everything and I choose to avoid awkward situation. She said, years back...I was so quick with my words, I speak my mind freely, I was so brazen and strong, and I'm not the one who speak one thing and do another...I always stick to my word....almost all the time...
But now, I faltered...I am scared. I felt the old me, withered. There used to be a time that I'm so crazy about gadgetry...especially when it comes to gaming consoles,  I'm apt at building my own custom PC...I knew a lot about techie stuff, but now I don't even know that there is a video format called Matroshka. And I make a fool of myself in front of a boy 6 years younger than me, all along I thought Matroshka is a page that provide the sub...and he's so kind to explain it to me. Deep inside, he must be laughing at my foolishness...
 I'm lost at fixing my laptop. Window 7 is such a bitch and my current laptop doesn't have a CD drive. What the fuck is with this SVChost.exe keep occupying my CPU usage....a cousin suggested I open my laptop and take a look at a motherboard to figure out if there any fried pieces...I did...and I'm not able to find anything wrong, or I'm just plain stupid...that I should just pay someone else to do this for me...
Well, I guess it just me overreacting....but the feeling I have is comparable to the primadona who owns the stage, but realize she getting old and replaceable....I've reached the point that suddenly, I'm not good at anything even what I'm supposed to be good at...and of course it annoys me..
It's not only skill related things that i'm not good at...lately, it spread to my social contact, my inability to express my feelings, my anger and my frustration the right way. If it's one sided communication like this,I can do it easy, looking at the white screen and just typing craps....i could go on forever. But facing people, and simply tell them what's been bothering me without getting really angry is a bitch too....so I just suppress myself and in the end getting even more angry.
It's all about the small stuffs that I thought not worth mentioning, not worth to be brought up, not worth to even put so much thought into it....but it's been bugging me bit by bit....and eat me inside...at first I told myself, do not be bothered so much, it's not my problem at the first place, it's not my territory to meddle with, and it doesn't concern me. But, I've reached the limit, and my time bomb is ticked to zero. I just blew up. I just don't want to give a fuck.
A friend I just knew told me, to stop judging. That it's not good to judge. Little did she knew, I'm way past judging. If it's about something people did, and their foolishness or even their way to find escapism, I would tolerate that....but not knowing your boundaries, showing a full chunk of hypocrisy..have no or little respect on other people just because they think they are above everybody.....that makes me snap.
Other friend said, "I'm impressed that it takes you this long to snap....I have given up long time a go....and the  only thing that keep me going is you"....and I ask her "Is that so obvious?"....she replied by saying "heck, it's obvious" I asked her "So yo don't think what I did now, is a form of betrayal...and me telling you this stuff is not badmouthing?" She said "It's not a news...we always knew..and we kinda hope, that you'll be the one who do the last blow"...hahahaha....how foolish I am....but I'm too weak to even do that now....
A friend who never actually dare to said something so harsh to me actually said "Lately, you have become pathetic, I expected more from the old you...why are you so weak? why are you so scared to just tell the truth..to finish things off" and I tell her "It's not my place to say anything, it's not even my job to keep things at bay....people have their own life and priority...." she asked "so you just enjoying the show until that somebody hit rock bottom...don't you feel hurt? coz at the moment we speak, it's not only you...it's about other people that's been hurt...." damn it...I hurt people too.....i hurt them in every way....but...the difference is, some people decides to stay....
A friend asks "If you really do the last blow, what will happen? since you are the last in line" sigh....I used to worry about it too....but then I realize ...it's not my problem....people change, people get new friends everyday....I'm not needed as much as I used to....considering all factors....it just the perfect time to back off...now that I only think for myself....i can stop judging, I can stop messing my head about things non related to me...It's not like a have a responsibility to stay anyway.....there are things that I regret, there are things that I don't...I don't regret the friendship....I regret it takes longer for me to make up my mind...
A friend asks "So, What's next?"
Who knows....i haven't put much thought into it anyway....back then, there's always somebody who would entertain me about this issue, fueling the burning fire in me...there's always incident behind my back, in front of me, that added to the wound...it accumulating and it reach to the point...I don't want to care anymore, i stop giving excuses anymore...it's never my problem to start with...I've reached to the point that even if things go the way I expected it to be...the phrase "I told you so..." hold no meaning anymore......It just the way things are......it's nobody's fault....it just how things end.....
Now I'm gonna spend more time with people who really appreciate me for being there, who accept my foolishness, my weaknesses, who wouldn't be ashamed of me, who would still think I'm cool despite the fact that I'm changing into Miss Scrooge....who said "I miss you" to me.....and really mean it....I just hope, the karma won't get to me....although each day I wake up....I knew deep in my heart it will get to me sooner or later....but I've learnt my lesson....and I have to move on....face my own karma and deal with it.....
The moral of this story is....every time, you start to judge...look at yourself in the mirror, every time you try to want to read people and understand them, try to look at the mirror and read your own self first...every time you start thinking that you know better, just look at the mirror and ask yourself "do you even know who you are?".......