Racistly funny...I give you the Malayan Trilogy

Currently reading The Malayan Trilogy by Anthony Burgess...hillariously racist....and no race left untouched...be it Malay, Chinese, Indian, Punjabi, Sikh, Chetty, Achenese, Bugis, the Sakais, Siamese, American, Australian and the British themselves...well, the book is restricted but not banned...if you look hard enough...you might find it...the book revolves around booze, hot temperature, communist, hot mat salleh chicks, sultan with many concubines, the horny sikh, chinese towkeys, MCKK (name changed of course..but it wouldn't take a genius to guess) kids with lousy white teachers and administrators, the white policemen who would often take a so called 5 minute naps after lunch, the black magic like santau and love potion, pork craving, spitting, bleching, fighting, kniving, fornicating..the book is funny and dangerously impolite..so if you have a faint heart...don't bother reading it...but it's nice to know the racist things people could come out with...especially about our grandparents' generation...no matter what race they are....

Dear my Malay friends..my take on being Malaysian and unity...

Do you know that one of my idols is Prof. Emeritus Khoo Kay Kim. He could be claimed as the most prominent Malaysian historian by far. He knows more about Malaysia more than any Malays know, and he speaks Malay language as Fluently as any Malays..He publishes lots of books, journals and articles and often invited to give a speech or lecture about Malaysian history and oftentimes invited to give analysis on politics...and yes..he's not a Malay...

Have you ever heard about Prof Madya Lim Swee Tin, who brought the Malay Literature to the international level? Ever read his work, Puisi 100 tahun Kuala Lumpur? if you didn't..go and read it now...and yes again..He's not a Malay...

I happen to learn under this guy named Prof Sivamurugan Pandian. Besides being invited to talk in the news a lot to share his brain juice with the audience, he happened to teach me a Malaysian History...and guess what...he too is not a Malay...but is very fluent in Malay language...

But these three guys, act more Malay than any Malay that I met...they speak Malay Language fluently that make me feel ashamed with myself, they are so patriotic about Malaysia more than some of the Malay I ever met...so what the heck now I'm trying to talk about...

I've been living in a Malay only community and I studied for two years in one and I know how fucked up our Malay mentality is..not to mention when it comes to religion where we can so freely call other people kafir just because we like it...so don't talk about unity if you don't have any idea what it needs to be truly integrated...

I have mix Malay friends whom either parents are from chinese descendent, not long time ago..but second generation, third generation..still asked question...is the food prepared here is Halal...I won't eat here if it's cooked by the Chinese...and I was like....for fuck sake, your mom is a Chinese, your grandma is a Chinese...what is your problem?

If you can't find even the slightest bridging point about unity...what the heck are you talking about pure unity. Superficial unity driven by some political attempt to win the election won't change the disease and corrupted community we are living in...we never want to compensate...we are afraid of losing...It doesn't matter what our race is..we always have our sentiments..unless we get over it...nothing's gonna change...

Just look at Egypt my friend,The Tahrir Square is the witness where the Muslims and the Christian work hand in hand to protect each other to overthrow Hosni Mubarak...they succeeded...but what comes after? Do you think the coup de tat by Asisi is the real issue here...how many report did you read at the paper about churches being burnt...may I ask who burn these churches??? Santa Clause? Asisi? the Malaysian media doesn't cover about it much right?..why?...coz we are too absorbed about morsi being wrongfully kicked out of his seat...and who cares about churches being burnt...and this my friend,.this is what a superficial unity will get you...

I totally don't think our current government doing a good job at all, but considering the alternatives...I really think..people are out of option. The people in general are not ready..the fake coalition won't bring any good..I could give my middle finger to PAS anytime if they said they are willing to work with DAP in a real sense..hell no, that's not gonna happen..what's gonna happen...they will run each state separately...divide them even more...and the gap will become so much wider than it already is...

Just compare the differences between Penang and Kelantan...you don't need a genius to analyze how different they are to each other...it's been proven many times...that they can't even sing the same language again and again...letting them run the country is equal than just letting the civil war to happen...and PKR can't do shit about mending this issue..they are so busy finding the dirt about which corrupted individuals they need to expose while at the same time still finding time to be as sexually active as the other side...but not exclusively to their wife and always so stupid to let the act be accidentally or not accidentally recorded....

Well, what I meant to say is..Politics is not the best tool at all, when it comes to teach the people about unity, about being a Malaysian, about understanding by heart what 5 National Principle even mean...

All of you who talk about unity and real integration really make me sick to my stomach..you don't even know what unity is even when it's served to your face...I still have a problem on how to convince Malay students that they can be as good as their Chinese friends in chess..I still have a problem on how to encourage the Chinese students to be more active in sport...and I still have to deal with lots of drama from the Indian students...I try hard to make them not to notice any differences, make them see beyond their skin colour, make them think that they are equal in every way..looks, brain and physical ability...

Unity is hard...empty talk will not help..especially when the effort is lightweight and done half heartedly..that's why I laugh when people talk about unity....for parents, teach your kids wisely...i can tell you..although my mom work for her Chinese boss for more than 20 years, has more Chinese friends than the Malays, she still unable to teach me what a true unity is..she still bitch and gripe about the stereotypical character of the race rather than pointing out the individual himself/herself is a full fledged asshole....so until we are able to teach our kids about it, and practise it in our everyday life...just shut up...

Those three person I mention above, are the person who go beyond their own race and decided to become a Malaysian in their own way...when people look at them, people don't see their race...they see Malaysian...

Hanging out..

Why do friends stop hanging out with each others?

Well...this issue is quite sensitive to be brought up...a friend once asked me "Why does A doesn't want to hang out with me anymore?" Wow...that's tough....and it's really hard to tell the truth and you often find yourself sugarcoating your words especially if you are the third party...

But sometimes, we have to swallow the bitter pills...if one party cease to hang out with another...just let it be...you might be hurt..you heart will ache...but, things change..somehow, best friends of today might be a stranger of tomorrow..you have to expect that, for some...you are no longer their priority, and your way no longer suit theirs...

Well, for example...if some of my friend find a new religion, a new concept of survival and the way of dealing with their coping mechanism..our old ways won't fit their needs anymore. If you are married with kids, and you go out with the singles, and you spend most time tending to your babies rather than talking to your friends...your friend might lost interest and find you uncool...

Well, recently I was invited to Zouk by some acquaintances..the girls who came with me really know how to drink and enjoyed themselves..they took the dance floor and dance their heart out...and I almost suffocated to death because of the smoke, and I'm thinking to myself, finding reason, making excuses about not to call these youngsters the most stupidest ass I ever met..but, hey...I try not to be judgemental...just let them deal with their shit..

This part is the hardest to handle, I practically have to make my glass of coke full all the time..and giving excuses like I need to drive later..to stop them from pouring anything into my glass...so I took out a PSP and play it while others were so busy dancing to the beat and consuming the whiskey and vodka on the table..yeah, and the girl who invited me drink so much that she vomit so bad later (jeezz...the toilet is even worse than the Mamak's.) While sitting beside some group of Japanese people at the next table. Someone said to me "Wow, you are the first girl I saw playing PSP in the club.." I don't know whether it's a compliment or not, hahaha...as if I care...

and why do I bring this up? because I remember some sugar coated words given to me, when I asked someone "Why did B lie to me?" so, this girl came out with excuses such as "awh..she just want to protect you.." and I was like...wow, protecting me or protecting herself? Is she afraid I'm going to badmouth about her to others...well, yeah...I guess..when the lies keep piling up and she keeps on putting a straight face in front of me. Yeah, i would definitely whine and start talking shit...I don't want to be part of her life, or join her in any event with new friends what so ever...just don't fucking lie..and me badmouthing is just a pinch of the salt to the already made dish...people talk, and if you don't bother to listen to a word of advice...my job is done...but I will still give a shit each time you fucking mess with me..

When I was in Germany, I realized something in me has changed..I actually calculate my steps in everything I do, becoming more secretive and not willing to vomit unnecessary details in my every move..being so secretive about what I do, where I go and with whom. The Germans are very private people, they don't like to publish or give exposure about themselves. Some of them actually say, why would they feel the need to documenting every act of foolishness that will make they frown seeing themselves in that unfavorable situation later. Some stuff should stay private, so I learnt and I realize, although my thinking is still very much childish...it's shown in every aspects of my life anyway, but I slowly learn how to separate personal things with my professional things...after I broke up with my 5th boyfriend, and listened to the long winded lecture about how girls should not put everything too much on the social media because of this and that..I discover the hard way that the consequence is not so nice...

Once, the Canadian friend of mine said this to me "Why you always act like an asshole on the internet, when you are actually a nice girl in person?"...hahaha..FB really brings out the bitch in me...but, seriously if someone doesn't bother to know the real you, doesn't even make an effort to hang out with you...why bother trying to be liked. I'm not in a beauty pageant competition or some reality TV show for the most loved person on Earth..I really don't care about not being liked. I would rather people hang out with me despites my assholery and oddity rather than put on a mask, and fit in with people who doesn't even care and look at me like I suffer from a severe mental illness.

Well, Fb mirrors me as some kind of bimbo, asshole, sharp tongue, selfish, always thinks she knows everything, smart ass type of girl...which to some is considered as a very high level of annoying...I guess, FB really amplifies this ugly side of me...so I decided to slow down on my personal stuff in order not to muddy my already scratched reputation...make it so family friendly so that when my mom decided to take a peek, she won't find any sign of obscenity..so as years go by, I becoming aware of certain things I was stupid to understand when I was young and foolish...

Well, I seen and heard some ugly responses from people or strangers judging others especially on FB, that I did not even want to open my mouth to repeat it...coz, I realize..people do talk behind my back too...a lot...so, I don't want to care shit about what other people say about others...it's the least of my priority..and when my friends talked behind my back, I have to admit that I'm full of flaws...so they have a right to voice it out, discuss about me and my flaws...coz I do that from time to time with others too...So i tell to myself, no more pics I don't want my future children to discover, and use it against me when I want to teach them about prudence or self respect. No more pics, if  one day I happen to be the people of power, that people can use to blackmail me, no more pics, that will make people focus more on my lack of moral virtue rather than my ability to get a job done..no more pics, that will make people comment about my fat ugly body...so that's it..

People says, true friends will have each other's back, tell others when they do wrong and bla bla bla...well I guess not, friends who knows you so much are your worst enemy, you hate them the most, especially when they come out with some sort of unwanted advice, or showing the face "I told you so" when you get screwed up...you would rather hang out with friends who encourage your foolish behaviour because that friend understands you the most..we are designed to be selfish..we make our own moral compass and we break it..and we don't want people to judge because we know ourselves better than anybody..and when we do something stupid, we believe we can handle it, we have everything under control and we are definitely not as stupid as any other stupid people who do the same stupid shit...No shit that we are that narcissistic that some people do get annoyed and they secretly wish our bubble burst or the cloud become the rain soon enough...

One friend told me that "I don't want to hang out with C because C is arrogant and always want to win" and deep inside, I say, hey I'm arrogant too...and tactless...one day you might not hang out with me too, if I push your button often enough..

Another friend scolded me "Why you still hang out with them? They gossip a lot...and their mouth travels everywhere..." and deep inside I say, well yeah...I'm not so innocent either..and they do have some positive characters...

So, hang out with friends is not easy...people change...priorities change..one might like a quiet birthday celebration in a restaurant this year, and decided to hang out with the cool crowd and go alcohol binge the next year...so just don't put so much expectation and get hurt when people don't want to hang out with you..just find new friends...people whom you are comfortable with at the moment and stick with them..and when the connection is not so strong anymore...learn where the exit door is..and don't be so quick to pry in your friend personal matters especially when they being respectful enough not to bother with yours...speak only when you are spoken to...

BTW...after all the experience and experiments with some legal, partially legal and illegal stuffs...I realize...I'm really a tight assed person whose definition of fun consist of a very nerdy stuff inexplicable to the mind of the mainstream...I guess in the end, a rebel without a cause have to admit that she is a total lame ass nerd...but i'm okay with it....

Muslims? Assholes?

I think we should refrain ourselves from talking about religion so much...it just happen Muslims are the majority in Malaysia and Islam is the official religion...people like to be associated with religion to show that they are the cultured/ more refined people...and sometimes to prove their point..people go to the extend to do some kind of the so called self-righteous act to prove that they are better than the mass....this hypocrisy doesn't only apply to Islam but to other religion too..and some agnostics also from time to time try to make a point that they are better than the people with religion...they debate,they ridicule, they take great pleasure of the fact that they don't talk like the mass, they don't think like the mass and they feel it's a moral obligation to educate the mass.
The bigotry is not exclusively held by the Muslims..for religious people we call it bigotry, for the non-religious we called it plain ass-holery...the least thing we can do to deal with this issue is to stop talking about it.I for myself not really a pious girl...but there are things called invisible line that should not be crossed..
I had the most torturous time living under the same roof with the extremes..and now having the urge to spit them when they suddenly become so buddy buddy with another extremes from a different group..when I know fully well it's just superficial..my point is..things always come in layers..one cannot just assume and conclude just by consuming what's fed to you...just seeing the tip of the iceberg is not enough...our knowledge is superficial and there are lots of things need to be clarified..one focus too much on the simple logic that they fail to see the bigger picture..if it's so easy to change the mentality..to break the taboo...things would changed a long time ago...apparently, it's not...asking rhetorical questions such as Can Muslims Think won't help changing anything...I'm aware about the draconian law..I'm aware that being born a Malay, I am automatically be a Muslim..but I'm not the one who spent years learning the subject about Islamisation...my knowledge about islam is superficial too that I can't actually argue..because hypothetically I will lose the battle before it even started...
I have 3 non Muslims blonde and blue eyes lecturers who studied the Islamisation for their doctorate, they can argue about Islam more than I can argue about it myself, when I enter the office of my agnostic Indian boss...there are collections of books about Islam and other religions occupying most of his bookshelves...he knows so much about stuff that I actually have no idea myself..
Do these person read and studied about Islam so that they can belittle it? No...they do that because they want to understand. When they understand...they become respectful...One can talk about Islam like they know everything...even the non-muslim now start to say "that's not islam...this is not islam...bla..bla..bla...but one fail to understand..the most religious and pious people have no concern debating about their religion..people who claim to be religious and to be righteous did..Islam is universal..but islam in Malaysia is intertwine by tradition that has been uphold since long long time ago...I hated the idea that I can't touch the dogs although it's an open secret that people know that I snuggle with the dogs like most of the time...it's my freedom to touch them and to play with them...and I took pictures of them...displaying their pic in my fb pic although mostly it resulted with my mom screaming out of her lungs about WTF am I doing and now all my aunts are talking about it..and surely no Malay guy want to marry me now...bla bla bla...but certain line shouldn't be crossed..not because you are scared of being judged...but as a form of respect..as a form not to be an asshole...
People are too sensitive by nature, and sometimes when they are too sensitive they become so quick to judge, to be angry and to be mad..knowing fully aware of this...I don't get it why some find that it is necessary to push the button so much and so often...It just like playing the game who can be ruder? who can be a better troller? who can start a new civil war?
Can Muslims think? Of course they can think...but does that mean everyone of them has to give their view on every thing? Do they even need to tell others about what they really think? The muslims in Malaysia is already divided because of many stupid things..do they need to be divided again because of another stupid things like dog bathing, or just because some girls can't be a beauty queen...or because some rude kids think that it's cute to play with food..We had enough of stupid Muslim on the plate...who crush the cow head as a sign of protest for the temple building, who threaten to burn the Bible which has Allah's name written on it...now we have to deal with another stupidity from the outside...
Why doesn't Christian, Buddha, Hindu or any animistic follower doesn't get enough coverage or controversy regarding their religion? It's simply because their religion is the minority and not stated in as the official religion in the constitution....If Malaysia by any chance, has the fire-worshipping religion as our official religion..I can assure you...there still be people who butt-hurt easily, and others who make fun or the fire-worshipping religion just for the fun of it...or some so called true to cause individual who wants to educate people about how fire can burn the whole house down..
Religion is flawed because human is flawed...even psychopath is born with religion, but when he murder people..would people associate his action with his religion or with the state of his mind..so we just stop talking about religion...stop questioning them to the wrong crowd..and just stop paying attention...assuming that religion is an armor to protect you...just remember what captain america said to iron man "Big man in a suit of armor, take that off and what are you?"
It doesn't take religion to be an asshole...it just take you...

My Drama as hari raya nearing....

Only today I realize when talking to my mom about how few our relatives are..if we visit them all...it only takes one day to make a round..somehow I miss my grandma...she died during the fasting month back in 2009 because of cancer..I remember crying every time I feel so tired taking care of her..taking turn with my mom and my aunt..I got the night, my aunt got the day and my mom got the weekend. for months, I drove to the hospital at the evening and came back early in the morning...My car all covered with the bird poo and it caused me to cry again..every time I came late, and it's time for her to change the diaper..she would start scolding me, and I cried again..in time like that, it reminds me of my friend who has to go through the same situation for a long period of time..and she get through it just fine..deep inside I wish I could be as strong as her..still admire her for that..for the hardship she had to go through..things always work out for her in the end...Looking back, I'm glad i took care of my grandma during her time of sickness...sometimes I think for everything I received today, I owe it to her bless..Well, me and mom always fight...and I always have doubt if something were to happen, would I be able to care for her...like she cared for me when I was hospitalized for whatever reasons..It kinda give her a headache though..huhu..Well, I just want to be healthy again..so that she wouldn't have to worry so much that she has to spend another hour in the hospital taking care of me or facing the possibility that I would die before her...LOL...I'm so drama queen...
Well, sigh.....it's kinda hurt to say this without butthurting people's feeling...but I don't really feel the same enthusiasm when it comes to Raya...I don't even know if I have a baju raya for this year...(lol...usually my mom would prepare me one)...but I do not see anything hanging on my clothes shelf yet...lol...and I don't want to ask coz when you are 28, it's sounds so ridiculous to ask for a baju raya from my mom...but whatever, I have enough stock of baju kurung...and it's just one day celebration in which i would spent most of the time watching tv..and eat the stuffed rice and chicken curry in front the TV...kinda wish i could eat groundnut sauce though...or some lemang with beef rendang...yeah I better buy them later...it's kind of funny to think, that one of my foreigner friends ask me if I could bring him some raya dishes...and I was like, hahaha...well, I could try to buy them later and he asked...your mom doesn't make those things meh? it makes me laugh...Well, in my mom's defense...she's a good cook...but what's the point of cooking too much..when nobody will eat them...I guess, we are the family who prefer to eat out together rather than to dine home together...we dine home eating normal every day food...for something fancy and intricate..no need to go to such hassle...just TAPAU...
Well, if I happen to live alone again, i would have to start cooking my own food then...I love making desert, fruit salad, fruit juice...anything sweet anything fruity...damn...I want to buy a juicer, a microwave, an oven, a rice cooker, a Tefal pan, a Wok, a pot....a toaster....whatever...I still don't like cooking though..but I want to try....
Dang I'm impressed at my ability to digress from the real topic...

I DON'T CARE IF PEOPLE WANT TO BE MAD AT ME FOR SAYING THIS...BUT I HAD ENOUGH...

I don't know whether I could be blunt and say it publicly...I did some reading and asked around some Syrian friends about what actually happen there...what is it that actually happens..these people are the liberals, the minority in Syria..most of them says, people were killed everyday in the name of religion..but everyone knows...it's the greatest lie...it's just two power hungry group of people battling each other and use religion to justify their battle...in the name of Allah..Sigh...well for me,everything is so puzzling..things start with a single spark of cruelty towards children..and suddenly you have a full-fledged militia armed with highly sophisticated weaponry and gadgets rebelling against the govt. Russia backed the govt. while US backed the rebel..Russia warned US not to interfere or else Israel won't be safe..Russia teamed up with Iran stand behind Assad..and suddenly Assad has Hezbollah inside his pocket too....and US, despite not earning a mandate from UN...keep supplying the weapon to the rebel..in Egypt..Morsi was overthrown..the Christian in Egypt had enough..after 2 years..nothing changed much...apparently a Muslim country don't work so well with them..Morsi backed Palestinian up and sourcing help to the rebel in Syria.this need money and it's understandable why some of the Egyptian especially the non-Muslim got so fed up..Egypt is under crisis..the money is not enough to feed it's own citizens...back in Syria, the civil war keep on rampaging..out of the blue it the battle between the rebel vs the govt. turn into the battle between syiah and Sunni....things becoming fucked up and messy...it reminds me of my Indonesian friend's words...In indonesia alone there are more than 70 sects for Muslim..everyone is fighting about which version is better, which people is imbecile, which group will get the ticket to heaven but few remember that they do share the same God...that very same God..Allah...Allah is Omnipotent, Allah doesn't need to be defended, Allah love everyone just the same as long as the person recognize that Allah is the god..the powerful and the merciful..in Syria..the tension rise because of a political battle between two parties who put greed above everything else...they use religion because it is the easiest way to manipulate people's emotion..but people of religion..while you are so busy cursing...and hurling insult, pray for god to punish the imbecile..few ponders...is life of religion about fighting and violence...during the dark ages we learnt that religion keep people in the dark..the people with higher power, filled with greed,claiming to have a special relationship with god, abused the religion for their own benefit, Many people died...from the cruelty of the Church or fighting in the war defending the god...after the church is overthrown..and renaissance era surfaced...people still have fear and they do not wish for another dark ages...they realize the religion is flawed because the human is flawed...be it Sunni or Syiah...both sides has it's flaw...people grew up believing that their faith is the absolute...but who knows anymore...Islam is the youngest book based religion...it doesn't even reach 2000 years old...that's how young it is compared to other religion...but within the short period of time..things got screwed up and now it seems like there are hundreds or thousands version of Islam...who screwed Islam up? Us....it's not others...it's us..we accept everything feed to us..we don't even question...we put the holy man above everything else...his words are our mantra...we make the ustaz become the celebrity..we approve of the ustaz although some of his words doesn't make sense...we are the lamb craving for our messiah..our shepherd to show us the right way...so quick to believe, so quick to put our trust into..use your head and ask yourself "Does it matter whether it's Syiah or Sunni? if I can't be a good human being? did we not look at ourselves in the mirror and reflect? what's the point of being a Sunni if I agreed on spilling blood...What's the point of being a Syiah if I kill people...? the war can be avoided not only if we have the same version of Islam...but the war can be avoided if we put a priority of being a human first before everything else...I fear that one day the same thing will happen in Malaysia...I fear that one of my brothers and sisters will put a gun on my head just because I might see and understand things differently..why the hate? after all we do share the same god...let Allah decide this...and we as human beings just do our job to worship Allah...in ways we think is the right way...
your real enemy couldn't care less about religion..your enemy only cares about making money and saving their asses...while we are busy fighting each other and left behind economically and intellectually...they raking money profiting from our battle against each other...I went to the Al:Arqam restaurant and eat the food from the table...they may have different ways of worshiping Allah but the food they serve on the table is as good as any Malay Sunni, they might have more than one wife, but they treated me respectfully ...they might be what people called deviant...but these deviants, despite being isolated and banned in their own country...actually owned Malay Restaurant Franchise all over the world...and nobody seems to notice..I've met people from different sect than me...who treated me good...I've faced mistreatment from people who share the same sect as me...it makes me realise, whether to be good or to be an asshole...you don't need to be in a certain religion or a certain sect..it's all up to you...

I fell in love with Tyrion Lannister.

I fell in love with Tyrion Lannister since the first time he opens his mouth...can it at least be a reference on what I see in guys....he ain't perfect but he's perfect for me...Sansa might not love him....but she's happy when she's with him..we don't necessarily have to fall in love head over heels over the person in order to be with them...or blinded by the physical characteristics they portray...I admire guys with brain whom feel empathetic towards the mistreated and at the same time cruel towards his equally cruel enemy...knowing his own limit at the same time still fearless knowing his death is looming..treated woman with respect and love them still, although he's facing countless betrayal in the past an will be again betrayed in the future..
He has no intention to sit on the iron throne because he's too bright to understand the throne is equal to early death..He knows fully well if it's not for his heritage and his father's wealth, he will die long ago abandoned on some street. He survives on his wits, but stay true to himself and never stab anyone on the back despite the fact that for countless times he was stabbed, hurt and slayed to near death. He possesses the mind of a snake yet ain't a coward when faced with a challenge..he talk his way out of his tough spot and has his way of kindness towards people with misfortune.
He enjoys his short time as a king's hand and playing witty games with his side-kick, at the same time he's not greedy to want more. He always thinking ahead, and most of the time keep a level head and using his brain to weed out betrayers. Unlike his father, he plays his card clean and avoid spilling senseless blood.
He accepts the fact that born in a family which thirst for power so strong and so cruel, he has to face so many hatred and insult from his family's enemy...yet, when people scorn him or treated him coldly because of his heritage, he bear no hatred and from time to time, defying is own father with sharp remarks talking in favor of his family's enemy.
He's the type who embrace his shortcoming, swallowing it with sadness silently and tuck it gently in the corner of his heart. He has a big heart. He's respectful towards Sansa and loves Shae so dearly. And when he meets Penny...he feel the same sort of solidarity. I just wish, he has his perfect ending at the end of Game of Thrones, perhaps become the king's hand for Daenerys when she's crowned as the rightful heir for the throne..

You are who you are...no matter where you are...(My experience in Germany) may contain adult materials...

This will be the last week I'm in Germany...well...since I was here...I only manage to have one post that has nothing to do with living in Germany...
So, now that I'm not so busy coz I've finished my internship..I would like to post something about my experience here...
I'm having a great time, I gain my self confidence back (something that is deprived of me when I was in Malaysia) I travel a lot within these two months...and even some of the Germans and Malaysian friends who have been in Germany for a  longer time  than me said "Damn Amy, even I never been to that place yet..."
Do I gain friends here...YES.. how do I know them? Some I know from the couch surfing sites, some from the contact I got from the officers at MATRADE, some from the trade fair, some from the people I know from Gelegenheit or the people that I'm sharing the train ride with..there are mixture of males and females...
They show me around and ask me to hang out with them when they don't have a class, just finish their work, or simply ask me to travel with them....do I trust them 100%? No...but I was taught since the early age, that God will protect me, if I rely on God for protection...
I've met some bad fruits, some guys openly ask me to share the bed with them which I refuse...some are hot as hell...but I do remember that they just want to get between my legs because I'm something exotic for them...the fun will be over once they get what they want...but I also gain number of friends whom are honest, doing a good job protecting me and very respectful...after all, it's all depends on the type of crowd you are joining...I do hang out with them at the bar, while they are drinking a beer and vodka...I drink lemonade or cola...we talk about lots of stuff...they asked " Is the reason you don't consume a liquor because you area Muslim?" which I reply politely.."It's my personal choice..I like to be in control all the time, and liquor would cloud my judgement.." nodding politely, and they will reply "I've met many Muslim women who drinks liquor like water.." which I replied "I'm not so uptight because I'm a Muslim...but that's who I am...I like to be in control because I freak out easily when I'm not in a position of control..it's a habit that is difficult to get rid of...if I were born in any other religion, my view about life is still the same...i still don't consume alcohol...or if I happen to be brought up in the culture that consume liquor as parts of their daily life..I still won't enjoy drinking very much..." they will ask question "but if you never try, you never know how much you like them..?" to this question I answer "I'm not so innocent goody two shoe type of girl who see the different world from afar and judge...I do have experience testing and sampling some of the liquids...and I'm not fond of what it feels to my tongue, my throat and my stomach...I'm quite practical about things that I consume..although sometimes I eat a lot of junks food...but junk food take a longer side effect than booze or drugs...and I don't think I'm capable of controlling myself when I'm drunk..plus I don't want to be an idiot for whatever things I would do later...and regretting it when I woke up in the morning.."
Well, I don't expect number of them will be my friends in the long run due to my uptight self or innocence...but they do stay, when we are not hanging out at the bar, we walk at the park, have barbecues, they let me crash their couches and very respectful about boundaries..and so far they kind of accepting about keeping things platonic. Sometimes we exchange stories and views about relationship...they said they do get lonely, they need someone to talk to, someone who just willing to listen...some people chose to have NSA relationship in order to fill the hole inside their heart but not all man thinking about it all the time...men are vulnerable too..like woman, they are afraid of being abandoned and jilted...that's why they act like a pig most of the times....
So I ask question from time to time, will they simply sleep with any woman? most answer "If the girl wanted to...there's always a sign..we can read the body language, although man can be stupid when it comes to reading woman...but when sex involve...they are quick to decipher the code...well, if you meet a girl for the first time or twice, and their bodies are leaning towards you most of the time, touching you here and there. Wearing a revealing clothes and allow you to ogle their cleavages...don't tell me that they just want to have coffee.." hahaha..this reminds me of my friend...she wrote in her book, I don't remember her exact quote..but I get the gist...one of the quickest way for the guy to decide if the girl is fuckable is by using this method.. the guy will try to feed the girl with food...any food will do, if the girl is willing to open their mouth in order to be fed by the guy....then BAMM...the guy will get the signal that the girl is willing to open their mouth for things other than food too..So girls, if he's not your boyfriend, or you just met...pick the food with your own hands, or chopstick, or spoon politely from them...and shove the food down your throat by yourself in order not to send the wrong signal...
Sometimes I have a talk with my landlady...she's a Malay woman who have been in Germany nearly 30 years...she moved here from Malaysia after getting her SPM result at the age of 17,married a German guy at the age of 28...change her citizenship to German and now working at MATRADE...she practically more German than Malaysian anyway...she lives in German longer than she lives in Malaysia...she had some crazy days in the past...she once young and when you are alone...lots of things can happen..but she always keep in mind that..I bring with me my parents reputation...what I am is the image of education they've given me..although they are not here, although I think I'm a grownup who can take care of my own affair...but if something happen...it's towards them that I have to turn to...I am who I am...and no matter where I go...that's the way I will bring myself...
I smirk a little thinking that...some of my friends that without even have to go to foreign land, they already embracing the foreign culture in their very own land..sometimes act more foreign than the foreigner themselves....talking about culture shock...
I share stories about my experience going to the spa with my landlady and with my two Malaysian friends...one who also has the experience going and liking it so much (duhhh....guys...) and one who never been there yet...and I feel like a child when most people laugh at me in Germany due to my awkwardness...not going to elaborate on that.....and my landlady proudly said "You are a grown up now...here is my present to you" she placed a kain batik sarong for me to wear in the sauna on my lap....one reason is because I could pass out wearing a bath robe in a sauna...and second is to remind me that, I can still bring my Malayness even in the German sauna room...
Do I get to know someone special here? YES....but I'm not going to publicize what's going on, because after 5 failed relationship...I learn to be careful not to be open about it and not to share it with the public...but all i can say...after number of times hanging out...he's respectful enough not to ask me to drink with him and made sure to order lemonade or Ingwer (ginger) beer for me,he doesn't smoke or he never try to ask me to be in bed with him  (perhaps he's gay hahaha..my friend seems to think so) I dare not venture the path of inquiring him about that coz I don't want to ruin the innocence feeling that I have about him and although I 'm not the most pious girl on the planet I would like to keep my virginity intact for my future husband...(yeah, you can smirk too..I allow it)...and sometimes he accompanies me to take a look around, ,to hang out at the parks,, sometimes  visiting church...(he's an avid fan of church tourism) and proudly claim that he has been to more than 500 churches (if i'm not mistaken) all over the world...OK, for this part...I feel shameful with myself...well, considering that I'm not an avid fan of mosque tourism...i do feel inadequate...be not afraid, he's not into some cult or anything, he just love the architecture and the norms of different churches...which I have to admit...most of the buildings are very beautiful...He is still studying, and the future is still far ahead...and  I still have my own life to lead....he gives me a confidence to get me back to where I used to...and I'm thankful for him....I don't want to be greedy and expecting more considering I'll be going back to Malaysia anyway...but we promise to keep in contact...i just leave things at the hands of GOD...
So over all, I've grown up a bit and I'm becoming less rigid, more trusting towards people...and I gain my self-confidence..some of friends I knew here actually said "Amy, you blend in perfectly...you are in every aspect a German..from the tight assed attitude, sharp remarks and the face that clearly disapprove of anything that doesn't go with your standard...." and some give remarks "You have the vulnerable look that people feel obliged to protect until you open your mouth and say something....it drives an arrow to people's heart..make people want to hug you and choke you at the same time"
My high school friend who has been here for more than 4 years and now residing in London told me that he feel a strange calmness in Germany...every time the plane touches the ground he can't help but smiling by himself...he will go back to Malaysia for good after a year in London...and he said, some part of him stays in Germany...life is hard, and you get to be very lonely but you learn to adapt, people are not too keen to look at you differently, they don't judge, and although you are alone in the crowd and got lost...there are always people who reach out their hands for you..you just have to be trustful and accept the good...and the working environment, the labor law...are superbly amazing...except for the 46% income tax and 19% VAT.which I think is fair because the locals and the expats are treated the same and paid the same..people keep asking me "how much the pay the expats get in Malaysia?" and I will tell them "more than what the local would dream of getting." Malaysia is the heaven for the expats...high pay, low income tax, accommodation benefits, transport benefits...so if you are a foreigner..and want to have the taste of Malaysia...be an expat..we are always accepting...just don't be a typical expats who spent most of their time hanging out at the bukit bintang or hartamas area...allow yourself to be bitten my mosquitoes, travel the wild, taste some belacan and experience what diarrhea feels like when you eat the street food, and feel the ultimate dizziness when you take the bus or the train with air-condition as cold as the Antarctica...when the temp. outside is close to 40 degrees....other than that....life's awesome....
Do I change? I don't know...I do feel changed...but I'm not a good judge of my own character...I let you be the judge of that....

My dirty little secret......

Well, this is my dirty little secret..I always wanted to be part of PEMANDU team since its inception 4 years ago..one of my dear friends was able to join the team and I was so freaking jealous with him..he's only 2 years older than me back then, and he was fast-tracked from the university straight to the office..he's the one who inspires me to be seriously indulging policy making field..but my brain ability is not as good for thinking and i don't come from the elite background to leverage me to go up as fast as his pace...sometimes i wish i could be as good as he is...From time to time i will compare the list of my own achievements with his and i feel so small
I make a promise to myself..that one day i will be able to look at him without having to feel the jealousy swelling up in me...he has it all..perfect life, perfect job, perfect background, pretty wife, cute pair of children, pleasant attitude..and I'm not surprise in 5 years to come, he will be nominated as one of the YB nominee considering how good he is....and I feel ugly loathing at how perfect his life is and how mine sucks..but I always believe, if I work hard enough..things will change...I want to be able to stand tall, to not being inferior, to be equally good and to do something that make myself proud..I'm not greedy to change the world or this country...I just want to change ME...i'm tired of feeling insecure and inferior or feeling I'm not good enough...
I'm aware that people would say that I'm lucky...I may get certain things easy...but I too suffer from bad things...I compensate...I try not to be too greedy coz I don't want to be frustrated later when things don't go my way...I kinda hope I'm a positive person...and really want to be one..guess I have to work harder and stop complaining so much...and I should use my brain more....

Embracing the screw up....

The perks of being a wallflower brings back memories of my crazy moment of adolescence...when there's always a moment I just wish I could die and disappear...the remorse and the guilty feeling you have for having someone you really actually care about gone and no matter how loud you shout and no matter how hard you beg for God to make things right this time...your loved one will never come back..The phrase "We all accept love that we think we deserve.." is what has been playing in my mind and becoming the reason why I'm such a screw up when it comes to relationship..
I just feel guilty to live..from that day onwards, keep on thinking my pain and broken heart is the only way I could atone my sin...to love is to feel pain for the pain I inflicted unto others..and after 9 years, I guess I would never get over the things that screwed me up...I just love with the expectation I would be hurt in the end and I deserve it...addicted to it...until I couldn't take it and I just stop...I'm really tired that I shoved everything aside and live life try not to think about it anymore...i just waiting for my day to disappear...
Like when some of my friends told me, if the person you are destined to be with is dead...that's the reason why you can't find someone whom you truly love or truly love you but fret not, if you are not attach to anyone, when you die, you might get to meet him in the afterlife...and I think I reach to that level of screw up because after several people said about the same thing...I guess believing it wouldn't be so crazy..rather to think that I'm cursed...
I'm not that super psycho with multiple complex kid back then...but like other people I do have layers...some lies to cover things up...some wishful thinking that I could turn around and just erase the past, live life and enjoy it...do some crazy stuffs...some not so innocent stuff...exploring the possibility...living so as my life not to be wasted...doing something meaningful...despite all odds...despite all people perception...
I wasn't a brat...I wasn't a spoiled kid...but that thing....it hits me..I lost someone I care enough to trade my life with..and then I lost another friend...It gave me a creep...it turned my life around..such rebelliousness is not worth death..such brazen act can't help you escape it...I realize for every action, there is a consequence..people could get hurt...life could be lost...I was suicidal that I was hysterical...
My mom would scold me when I started to act like a loony...sitting at the corner in the dark...my mom would say...so now do you really want to be friend with the devil? Well, my mom is not the type who pat your back or hug your shoulders...although she knew what was going on and aware of me wailing from time to time...she didn't show it...and she partially blame herself for not being a good role model for us..blaming herself when her kids didn't show the quality of other parents' normal children do...
My brother said, we get hurt too early in life...and when we do love...we love too young and we are not ready that it leaves an impact so great...that every time a new relationship occur, we have an expectation it would be temporary...we live in fear that we start counting days for to it be over...and then we do something crazy...we are the broken glasses that's been glued all over, again and again, that no matter how much promise were made...we no longer have the courage to believe...
My brother said, some people are better off alone. And thanks to our parents...we are so good in that department...everyone in my family, no matter how close we are to each other...deep inside...we all know...we couldn't live with other people...or each other...we just barely living and tolerating...we love each other the most when we are far away from each other...
Thanks to my screw up friends and my screw up siblings...they make me feel less crazy...they make me feel that I could survive another day and the next...we have this unspoken rules about never bringing it up...never talk about it...just swallow your guilt and cut some wrist or starve yourself to the point of anorexic, yet still hang out...playing with each others hair...talking about stuff at school, a new job, a new car, the new video game released...but never ever said anything about the day we often wrong...the day the mistake were made and couldn't be undo..and although some smart asses would try to cross the line and joke about it...we looked the other way and move on and secretly feeling relief....because as time goes by, we separated and getting farther...we finally feel that we can breath...we can laugh without searching into each others eyes the sign of insanity...we can look to other people straight and not giving away anything...and we can be ourselves...

Just got dumped...hahaha...i think so....

I always knew it would come to this end...not that I care so much....just told my friend that I got dumped by his friend....possibly because he can't seem to register that I've told him million times...I'm not hot, I'm not sexy....I'm fat...and I don't feel good about myself...he insisted that we meet and let him decide by himself....fuck that....most guys are shallow anyway...so to give him the option to dump me...we meet after my Deutsche language class...told him, i have no expectation...and hearing him said "yeah...we better off as friend...."No hard feeling for me coz I know, the way I am now.....whatever...I don't care...I'm just mad being forced to do something I know what the ending will be...plus the wasted time.....shitty huh....

I guess I am the egg.....

A male friend of mine try to hook me up with his friend...a nice guy at the age of 31.... a Malay Singaporean citizen but working in one of the private college in Kl as a lecturer for culinary classes...he's smart, know how to cook and a home boy (yeah..most of my male friends are aware about the specificity....) or else they won't bother play cupid....

We exchange emails, picture of each others and SMS messages. I am not so hopeful myself, as I'm not at the top of my best self.....take everything as slowly as I could....he seems very intelligent when we converse with each other...and seems very respectful. He avoid using all the remarks I have allergies on like calling me honey, baby, sweety or such nonsense....he doesn't even try to use a baby language a.k.a ( retarded mode of lovey dovey for lovesick teenagers type of conversation) with me....I give him credit for that....he seems mature...but considering his age...it's reasonable for him to display that characteristic...

So he thought, it is about time we go to the next stage...meeting for real...I truly hate this part....I really don't want to do that...part of me refuse to be turned down after the first meeting. Hesitantly about the idea, i try to buy some times....giving excuses every time he try to bring the issue up....the truth is, I'm just not ready....

So my friend called me and asked WTF am I doing...I told him, I'm not ready in which he replied...grow old and wither by yourself then....I don't know how to right your messed up head anymore...I asked him...this man you hook me up with....do you think he would even consider me in real life? He replied "I don't know Amy, he seems nice enough, his track record with girlfriend possibly shorter than you are. You two could be friend, at least....You know it's kinda hard to find a Malay Malaysian male that really approved of the way you lead your life....and this guy doesn't care shit about stuff" 

Being really offended about the 'statement of how I live my life', I can't help but raise my voice...and said just because you are happily married now, you can't simply tell me that I lead my life the wrong way...You used to be like me...you used to be screw up too....don't you forget who you were....

Realizing he went too far, he apologize but he still insist that he's really mad with me. I told him, I'm just not ready. I will work things out somehow....thanks for being so concern.....

The truth is, i'm just tired....I told my other friend...I'm tired of convincing people....I'm tired of constantly being judged for being myself...the pass experience still haunt me...hearing words like I am not good enough is killing every confident bones in my body....I just don't want to get hurt again..I never be good enough... i never be good enough....after everything I did, i never be good enough....it's not enough that I don't slut myself around...I must condone to certain custom to preserve my Malayness.....it's not enough that I have a somehow level headed conscience and faith...I must abide and condone to culture and customs practices that emphasize on physical appearances for the sake of convincing other people...that I am really good....like preaching to others is good, like being so self-absorbed about my own religion is good...it's not enough that I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't just open my leg to man....I must be a hypocrite too....like being all goody

two shoes to impress guys..covering myself from head to toes to show that I'm really really good..fuck that....I don't care...If I have to wither and die by myself...so be it....I'm tired...

Remember the story about the carrot, the egg and the coffee...when you put them into the boiling water, the carrot went soft, the egg went hard and the coffee gave good smell....You know what...I am the egg...the hard boiled egg....I hate carrot and coffee gives me migraine....so egg will be just fine....

kawan-kawanku....

Dear friend, after so much consideration... I decided to lay some ground about the way we connect with each other, as a friend said "it's not a good habit, you know, talking about other people, especially your friend" although it's hard to swallow..I think I need to take her advice.So help me change by

1) remind me that it's wrong when I decides to talk about other people especially a friend..although how freaking mad I am with them....or for whatever reason...

2) Don't call or sms me to ask about other people's life....whoever they are...(if you want to ask about my life...that would be very much welcomed)...
I know I sounded like a hypocrite biatch by saying this...but doing the number 1, makes me feel bad about myself in the long run although it's fun to judge people and gossip about them and the number 2 makes me want to slap your face....

And for the additional remarks...if you are not my close friend and you really want to know about my life...feel free to inbox me..but make sure you are really concern about me...and not just because you are busybody....yeah...I am busybody too...I'm curious about a lot of things...I don't want to be poyo here and claim myself as sudah insaf or bertaubat nasuha....coz in the future..the possibility I revert to talking about other people again is high....I'm a female creature...and that's what female does....but just remind me about it....you know...not in the sort of like berceramah way macam ko sorang je alim pengikut ahli Sunnah Waljamaah...but as a friend...with laugh and jokes....if it's not too hard to do that...and stop asking me about other people...I don't want to be other people's representative...I'm not qualified for that...I'm obsolete and unreliable...but if you want to share stories about other people...I don't mind listening....

And one more thing, don't argue with me...i don't have that strength anymore...don't be so defensive....If you keep arguing with me...I just keep quiet and say no more...I know I'm not always right and sometimes I even act like possessing the IQ equals to a bimbo...but it just my nature to act childishly for my defense mechanism...so if I'm trying your patience...trust me, my patience is running dry too....

And don't snap at me when I'm not finished talking or look down on me or patronizing me the same way you did with your little siblings....I am not...there are things that you know better...but there are things I do know too...don't even think that you are in a better position than me that you are always right all the time...we have to be respectful towards each other...we must....I don't want to lose the few friends I have anymore....you know, the one who really cares about me...so if you guys really concern about me..so dengan rasa rendah dirinya..help me help myself, help me be a better person... urggghhhh....poyo nye aku....

Selfish is the new me....

Selfish is the best to describe me at the moment....I am aware of this changes in me recently....not that i really a caring person before anyway...
Why am I becoming even worse than before? I used to be the type who gives a ride to just about anyone, who willing to lend a hand to people when they are in need, who would be willing to step in to get people out of a deep shit.....but now...something inside me keep telling me...."back off...it has nothing to do with you"...
I really have no idea how people think of me...but I get the feeling..for them, I'm just a selfish stuck up bitch who has low inferiority complex....just nice enough to work with but not nice enough to hang out with....perhaps I'm uptight or I really just don't care or it's my nature to push people away...especially the new acquaintances....
Perhaps aging makes you become less tolerant in bullshits....a friend told me off one day saying "when you spend to much time facebooking, you become absorbed in your own little world and everyone's else doesn't matter.....it's a sign of selfishness...." there's a truth in her words....coz I refuse to have a life outside my own life....to start over with the new friendship...to tolerate more crappy things....perhaps I'm just tired or I just don't want to be a burden or a chain to restrain other people....or perhaps I just don't want to look stupid or illiterate....
For god sake...I'm 28 years old...I love to have fun...and my definition of having fun is going to some concerts and gigs...or just having a fun relaxing healthy outdoor activity..or going to a spa treatment..travelling and exploring new things...that's the way I really am....I'm really a jester...someone who makes stupid jokes...bring some laughter to the people...but everybody knows I'm awkward at socializing...I hate crowds....and now, every one is so busy leading their own life that I have no friend to travel with...to jog with...to go to the beach....
And of course the sight of seeing people whose definition of fun by consuming Irish nectar and party all night make me sick....smoking, drinking or partying are not healthy...although I'm well aware that slothing on my couch and eat whatever is on the fridge is not  healthy too....perhaps that's the reason why I keep my mouth zipped and look the other way...coz I am no better...
I know I should just be honest, be friendlier,be more concern...but I don't have that kind of strength anymore...I know deep inside...everyone is good...but my conscience keep telling me...that it's better for everyone that I'm not involved...that I'm not in the picture at all...
I'm done trying to win people's heart....I did that for more than 3 years....but I still haven't managed to earn a new friend...three years where people only find me when they want to use me....I know things are different here...but something telling me..."If I have no use for them...they won't bother to stay with me...."
I really feel bad for what I did, for things I avoid to do....like giving a ride when the heavy rain falls...not visiting a colleague when they are warded in the hospital...for not comforting when they are in trouble...its bad for my conscience...but good for everybody else..like you don't have to ask me to hang out with you guys for the sake of courtesy....you don't have to cover up anything if I wasn't there....you can breath easy....so it's fine with me....really....

the annoyed and the annoying....

Hahaha..I have an urge to slap somebody's face.... the whole Sulu Intrusion on Sabah irks me in some ways different than it should be...
I'm not an expert when it comes to territorial disputes...hell...those things are heavy....but it just my luck that before this incident happen...my group has to do the presentation and written assignment for regional security in ASEAN...and guess what....my part is territorial disputes...although it is more focused on China VS South East Asia.....but upon reading the whole thing I could manage to gather from different resources....even my group mate has mentioned about how Philippines still hold on to Sabah until now....it just normal for me to start digging...in order to understand the situation better....and regarding this issue...looking back at the whole content of our group presentation...I studied that Malaysia is a training center for Psy-Ops and Psy-War tactical combat for counter terrorism ..so out of curiosity...I start reading more on that stuff....and i realize....OMG...that was beyond heavy...and complicated...like a pair of tangled strings.....you can't just untangle one but all of them...
And it comes to my knowledge that my cousin has a direct involvement in the incident....it's only natural for me to be nosy and ask him things....but he replied by saying...I could not say more about the whole thing..but trust me it's not a drama...I could die tomorrow and it's not a drama...me holding the gun is real...me have to blow people's head is real...so just pray that I will be save back home....
So in order to respect that...I try as hard to shut my mouth (not working i guess)....and thanks to my shallow knowledge of the whole thing...well, although I learn about security...it is not really my forte or passion...i just indulge them to fill my curiosity....well...I'm a pacifist (duhhhhh....) so I believe that conflict is best resolved without bloodbath....but most people find this soft approach as a joke...a sign of weakness...what more can I say....terrorist has human right too (puiiihhhh....) I don't really condone with the way things work regarding this issue....but who cares....there's nothing much I can do but pray for the safety of our warriors and the people there....
And of course....as a human being...I can't help but being biased and easily influenced...well, it's an  open secret that I don't like Anwar Ibrahim (yes..you can repeat that again and again and I won't sue you), seeing his picture with this Missuari Lad....it's only normal to think that he has something to do with the incident....well if he isn't then, why the picture? why the newspaper reports from our neighbor mentioned him?...who feed them with this information....and why? why? why do they meet? but does it matter now?
I might be misled to believe what I want to believe....but it doesn't change a thing...the Sulu standoff is real....and the whole Malaysia feel the heat...
Lets not be political about this incident...I'm done talking about him anyway coz I have a hunch this incident is beyond him....perhaps it a butterfly effect...one thing leads to another big thing....as a common people without the power of knowledge and the perfect tool to utilize it....it's kinda difficult for us to judge...to analyse thing...coz we have to look at thing from different aspects and angles....we cannot accept one thing and discard the rest..well the think tank exist for a reason....so I think it's better to take off my curiosity hat temporarily and observe the whole thing from afar and pray that it will be over soon....
So for those who keep on dramatize the whole issue, who keep finding fault, who knows how to criticize....but fled the scene when shit got serious...I just don't think you have a right to actually say anything at all...I wasn't there so I have no right to comment on things....you were there and fled the scene...and you dare say like you are the victim and it is everybody's fault....it's only natural that I feel sick at you...

Ini semua Poyo....

Rase nk lempang je status angkuh seorg rakan yg mengatakan duit BR1M rm500 tu, beli susu anak dia sebulan pun xlepas apetah lagi utk beli brg runcit setahun....mungkin dia pun bermasalah so xbley breast feed or bg anak minum susu murah...tp perlu ke memperlekeh kan duit BR1M sampai macam tu sekali? Teringat aku pada murid2 aku yg betul2 susah di kampung...rm500 bg mak bapak diorg amat besar...duit itu cukup beli beras setahun....kot ye pun ko nak menghina kerajaan or nak menghina PM...tp ayat tu sila jaga...setiap cikgu kat sekolah tahu berapa banyak zakat, bantuan baitulmal, bantuan JKM dan bantuan ihsan kerajaan, RMT, program susu dan vitamin yang diperuntukkan untuk pelajar-pelajar..seburuk2 kerajaan yg korang kutuk ni skang bagi pendidikan  percuma utk primary education dgn secondary education. Kerajaan memang xperfect, corrupt.....tp xde semua yg diorg buat korang boleh perlekehkan...cuba jadi manusia yang ada otak yang boleh membezakan ideologi politik dengan kehidupan sebenar..kalau kau tak mampu membantu...jgn kritik apa yg orang lain buat...at least aku main peranan untuk bentuk generasi masa depan jadi orang berguna...kau buat apa...menghentam mengutuk kerajaan...tapi ape sumbangan ko kepada negara ko...ooopsss....aku lupe...ko byr income tax.....puihhhh....tokey casino Genting yg byr  million2 income tax pun xbising macam ko....
and lagi satu...pergh...sedap ayat minah ni...kata rm10 xbley beli apa kt Malaysia...tp klu 10 sing Dollar, byk bley beli....terguling aku jap....ko try beli air mineral kt Singapore dgn 10 Sing Dollar tu...tgk berapa botol ko bley beli....lecturer aku kata..."when talking about how Malaysia wants to stop the water supply to Singapore....I sense the real terror in their eyes..." coz rakan2 sekalian, the water at the moment we speak now is damn expensive there..ko try g beli murtabak singapore dekat restoran zam zam dgn duit 10 sing Dollar tu...dapat x?..aku beli murtabak ayam Malaysia paling mahal kat Restoran Q Bistro pun baru rm6.00++...do the math la sis...  unless klu ko convert duit 10 sing Dollar tu ke rm or rupiah....bley la beli kain batik dua pasang kt Tanjung Balai....
Kalau Malaysia nak naikkan value rm....boleh je....tp dgn kos sedia ada sekarang ni...ko mampu? flat HDB skang pun arge nak dekat 2 juta....klu xkawin xbley beli rumah....kene tunggu mak bapak mati...baru bley waris rumah....itu pun kena kawin dulu....don't always look at the greener side la....sampai ko lupa comfort yg ade kat tempat sendiri....
Sama juga, bila orang asik cakap....Malaysia ni dah xselamat...polis makan gaji buta....well polis memang sepatutnya jalankan tanggungjawab...tp HELLO....look at the mirror please....bile ko nampak org bergaduh tgh jalan....or kene rompak...kene ragut....berapa percentage yg akan tolong...bile ko tgk jiran ko bertengkar...terjerit pekik...berapa ramai yg pergi ketuk pintu rumah diorg....alih2...bila de bini ke, anak ke, or laki mati kena bunuh....keluar la jawapan cliche dari jiran tetangga "oh...kami memang selalu nampak kesan lebam pada mangsa, ibu mangsa memang selalu memukul mangsa, pasangan ini memang kerap bertengkar....bla bla bla...."tp coz bukan masalah ko...ko malas nak amik port kan....sedangkan nampak kucing kena sepak pun...ko buat dek....orang buta nk lintas jalan ko pandang lalu je....orang tua dlm LRT pun ko xbg tempat duduk....walaupun kes culik budak makin berleluasa...tp masih ramai mak bapak yg lambat ambil anak dari sekolah, tinggalkan anak dalam kereta, or biarkan anak pergi kedai sendiri....
quoted from my coursemate "I would like to have a peace of mind knowing that my sister is safe although she walks alone in the middle of the night...even at 2am in the morning........" seriously dude...where do you think you live? Bandar Seri Begawan where the population is 400000 people....name me one place that have 100% certainty that you will be safe to walk alone at the middle of the night.....none....the predator is always lurking....you are the one who has to make a change...what kind of parents or brother who will let their daughter or sister go out at the middle of the night alone...you want an urban life, where life goes on 24 hours...you want to have some fun going to the club at the wee hour...or lepaking at some mamak stall....but the spillover effect of this so called urbanization is the increase of crime, bro..like the other side of the coin..you cannot just have one side....you must have both....does stopping the overflow of the migrants help in eradicating crime...statistic shows...the person who likely to kill you is someone who close to you who have an intimate relationship with you....so start using your brain and be good...change yourself...be more caring...more nosy...if there is a girl crying at the middle of the mall...stop and ask her what's wrong...if someone crying for help....go immediately to help them...if you are so scared to go alone to pick your car at the parking lot...insist for the guard to accompany you there..."just be vigilant and alert....crime will always happen...but we can change the way we deal with it...
Aku tau macam mane rasa takut...rumah aku pernah kena pecah masuk...sekali di rumah sewa...sekali di rumah aku di Ampang ni sendiri, and aku pernah face to face jumpe orang yg attemp nk pecah masuk rumah aku mase aku duk PJ dulu...kereta aku pernah kena pecah.....aku pernah duduk rumah sorang2....so aku bukak TV sampai pagi utk buat rumah aku bising...sebab tak mau pencuri masuk...and masa aku bwk kereta aku pernah kena ikut dgn motor 2 kali....nasib baik aku perasan and xstraight balik rumah...aku berhenti dekat depan kedai makan yg byk org...baru la motor tu chow...walaupun xde kes yg melibatkan hidup dan mati...but I had my share of fear and paranoia...but I blame the criminal, orang yg pecah masuk rumah aku..orang yg pecah masuk kereta aku...orang yg ikut kereta aku....bukan blame polis sebab xjaga...rumah sewa aku dulu...polis round setiap malam...bile aku call polis...xsampai 5 minit diorg dh respond...so they do their job...but since xde org terbunuh kan...dan cuma kehilangan harta benda je...so diorg xde la amik port sgt...so klu korg rase ape polis buat xcukup bagus...pe kate ko join persatuan penduduk or JKKK tempat ko....and buat aktiviti rukun tentangga waktu malam...aku kat Batu Pahat dulu join ok....coz aku duk sorg...n aku pompuan....so aku ase dgn care n buat aku ase selamat....so xyah nak kate aku poyo or pandai cakap je....
So....ideal world is not an easy path....lagi2 kalau semua orang tahu cakap...tau kritik tapi xbuat apa2 utk perubahan....start from yourself...jadilah orang yg menyumbang walaupun sedikit...bukan hanya tau mengambil dan terus mengambil....aku sedar diri xperfect...dan orang yg baca post ni pun mesti rase....owah Amy sangat poyo...tp skang baru puas ati aku....hahahahaha...ahhh...sunggu poyo....

A good news...perhaps....

I got the email just now, I kind of expecting going to Milan for my internship.....but it seems like the wind try to bring be to Frankfurt..and beggars can't be choosers right.....I totally have no clue about German...I was so preoccupied with the enchanting Italy and the story of good fellas and wiseguys....the land of Pompei....Vienna riverbank, Da Vinci last supper, Vatican City...and the city of fashion itself....never ever considered about Germany at all...hopefully, things will turn out ok....I'm wondering....will Frankfurt be enchanting enough....hahaha...my knowledge on German is limited to Volkswagen and beer fest ....and the subway tube.....i would like to see myself survive there....

It just how it ends....

A friend describes me as someone with erratic behavior....although I might look easy to be read but nothing about me is predictable...therefore, every time I come out with surprises...for people, they knew it all along, and kinda expected that...it just like a paradox...that I'm so random and being random is what people expected from me...
A friend said, that by aging...it makes me lame, that I whine more, that I shun myself from people, that I find fault in everything and I choose to avoid awkward situation. She said, years back...I was so quick with my words, I speak my mind freely, I was so brazen and strong, and I'm not the one who speak one thing and do another...I always stick to my word....almost all the time...
But now, I faltered...I am scared. I felt the old me, withered. There used to be a time that I'm so crazy about gadgetry...especially when it comes to gaming consoles,  I'm apt at building my own custom PC...I knew a lot about techie stuff, but now I don't even know that there is a video format called Matroshka. And I make a fool of myself in front of a boy 6 years younger than me, all along I thought Matroshka is a page that provide the sub...and he's so kind to explain it to me. Deep inside, he must be laughing at my foolishness...
 I'm lost at fixing my laptop. Window 7 is such a bitch and my current laptop doesn't have a CD drive. What the fuck is with this SVChost.exe keep occupying my CPU usage....a cousin suggested I open my laptop and take a look at a motherboard to figure out if there any fried pieces...I did...and I'm not able to find anything wrong, or I'm just plain stupid...that I should just pay someone else to do this for me...
Well, I guess it just me overreacting....but the feeling I have is comparable to the primadona who owns the stage, but realize she getting old and replaceable....I've reached the point that suddenly, I'm not good at anything even what I'm supposed to be good at...and of course it annoys me..
It's not only skill related things that i'm not good at...lately, it spread to my social contact, my inability to express my feelings, my anger and my frustration the right way. If it's one sided communication like this,I can do it easy, looking at the white screen and just typing craps....i could go on forever. But facing people, and simply tell them what's been bothering me without getting really angry is a bitch too....so I just suppress myself and in the end getting even more angry.
It's all about the small stuffs that I thought not worth mentioning, not worth to be brought up, not worth to even put so much thought into it....but it's been bugging me bit by bit....and eat me inside...at first I told myself, do not be bothered so much, it's not my problem at the first place, it's not my territory to meddle with, and it doesn't concern me. But, I've reached the limit, and my time bomb is ticked to zero. I just blew up. I just don't want to give a fuck.
A friend I just knew told me, to stop judging. That it's not good to judge. Little did she knew, I'm way past judging. If it's about something people did, and their foolishness or even their way to find escapism, I would tolerate that....but not knowing your boundaries, showing a full chunk of hypocrisy..have no or little respect on other people just because they think they are above everybody.....that makes me snap.
Other friend said, "I'm impressed that it takes you this long to snap....I have given up long time a go....and the  only thing that keep me going is you"....and I ask her "Is that so obvious?"....she replied by saying "heck, it's obvious" I asked her "So yo don't think what I did now, is a form of betrayal...and me telling you this stuff is not badmouthing?" She said "It's not a news...we always knew..and we kinda hope, that you'll be the one who do the last blow"...hahahaha....how foolish I am....but I'm too weak to even do that now....
A friend who never actually dare to said something so harsh to me actually said "Lately, you have become pathetic, I expected more from the old you...why are you so weak? why are you so scared to just tell the truth..to finish things off" and I tell her "It's not my place to say anything, it's not even my job to keep things at bay....people have their own life and priority...." she asked "so you just enjoying the show until that somebody hit rock bottom...don't you feel hurt? coz at the moment we speak, it's not only you...it's about other people that's been hurt...." damn it...I hurt people too.....i hurt them in every way....but...the difference is, some people decides to stay....
A friend asks "If you really do the last blow, what will happen? since you are the last in line" sigh....I used to worry about it too....but then I realize ...it's not my problem....people change, people get new friends everyday....I'm not needed as much as I used to....considering all factors....it just the perfect time to back off...now that I only think for myself....i can stop judging, I can stop messing my head about things non related to me...It's not like a have a responsibility to stay anyway.....there are things that I regret, there are things that I don't...I don't regret the friendship....I regret it takes longer for me to make up my mind...
A friend asks "So, What's next?"
Who knows....i haven't put much thought into it anyway....back then, there's always somebody who would entertain me about this issue, fueling the burning fire in me...there's always incident behind my back, in front of me, that added to the wound...it accumulating and it reach to the point...I don't want to care anymore, i stop giving excuses anymore...it's never my problem to start with...I've reached to the point that even if things go the way I expected it to be...the phrase "I told you so..." hold no meaning anymore......It just the way things are......it's nobody's fault....it just how things end.....
Now I'm gonna spend more time with people who really appreciate me for being there, who accept my foolishness, my weaknesses, who wouldn't be ashamed of me, who would still think I'm cool despite the fact that I'm changing into Miss Scrooge....who said "I miss you" to me.....and really mean it....I just hope, the karma won't get to me....although each day I wake up....I knew deep in my heart it will get to me sooner or later....but I've learnt my lesson....and I have to move on....face my own karma and deal with it.....
The moral of this story is....every time, you start to judge...look at yourself in the mirror, every time you try to want to read people and understand them, try to look at the mirror and read your own self first...every time you start thinking that you know better, just look at the mirror and ask yourself "do you even know who you are?".......

experience interview penduduk...

Sementara aku menunggu adik aku bangun untuk hantar aku g workshop amik kereta...alang2...aku update blog....last week...aku jadi enumerators untuk suruhanjaya tenaga, kena la gi perumahan perumahan di Malaysia...untuk jalankan kaji selidik tentang pematuhan keselamatan elektrik di kalangan pengguna....dari rumah kampung ke rumah high end....semua social starta perlu dijenguk untuk dijadikan sampel....aku mmg suka buat kerja2 macam ni...walaupun agak penat coz kita boleh jumpa orang secara terus...dari situ baru kita tahu apa yg sebenarnya berlaku....Aku dah pergi 4 kawasan perumah flat...dua di Shah Alam, satu di Damansara dan satu di Petaling Jaya...di Shah Alam...majoriti penduduknya bagus. Persekitaran rumah bersih, sampah xbanyak kelihatan, bila interview....even surirumah pun peka tentang keselamatan elektrik...memang wajar surirumah yg patut tahu...sebab banyak masalah kecemasan elektrik berlaku di rumah dan culpritnya kanak-kanak...maintainance soal ke dua...aku memang puji attitude diorg...kebersihan diorg dan kepekaan diorg....but things are different dekat dua tempat yg lain...Flora Damansara...bunyinya gah....tetapi, bila tengok dari atas ke bawah...pampers bertaburan...sampah2 diletakkan di depan rumah dan sangat berbau...aku sebagai penghuni rumah flat sendri...yg rasa penduduk tempat aku pun kadang2 macam xg sekolah pun tiba2 rasa bersyukur....belum masuk kes terserempak dgn mat2 gian..respond yg aku dapat pun pelik2.....so memang agak scary la experience aku sewaktu wat kajiselidik kat flora damansara...di flat taman dato harun pula...suasana agak gelap...kebersihan agak memuaskan, penduduk pun responsive...tetapi surirumahnya, dari segi pengetahuan agak terkebelakang...alasan yg diberi..."akak ni duk rumah je dik...ape pun tau"...hati aku bagai kena tumbuk, aku xboleh kalau orang perempuan dalam era millenium bg ayat mcm zaman 60 an punye...11 tahun ko mendapat pendidikan formal di Malaysia...unless kalau ko kawin awal n berhenti sekolah....so ayat "saya xtau apa2 tu...amat mencarik2 jantung feminisme aku....di saat perempuan di negara lain bertarung nyawa utk mendapatkan hak utk equal education....ko dgn rela hati melepaskan hak untuk mengambil tahu kerana ko surirumah..."
Kajiselidik di Kondo...lebih senang dapat respond...aku g Acapella dan Bayu Puteri...most of them sangat ramah...tp ade jugak yg condemn xhengat...mula2 aku seram juga...coz aku de perception residence dekat kondo ni agak individualistic dan materialistic...but kalau kite approach diorg dengan cara yg berhemah...diorg memang xde masalah berikan kerjasama...The same goes bila pergi taman perumahan...and rumah2 kampung....bila pergi ke Kampung Melayu Subang...pakcik2 di sana...yg sudah bersara memang knowledgable dan sangat responsive....banyak yg bagi cadangan yang membina....aku de gak sempat interview beberapa orang OKU....banyak yg diorg tahu pasal akta dan keselamatan elektrik...kelainan upaya x menghalang diorg untuk belajar...do aku yg sempurna sifat ni pun malu2 dgn diorg...
Aku disappointed sikit bile interview student U or kolej...aku sempat Interview budak UITM n MSU...hmm...banyak yg diorg xtau...or xmahu ambil tahu...respond pun kureng...tp xsemua....ada gak student yg bagus dan prihatin....terpulang kepada individu masing2....so aku sgt happy buat research macam ni....walaupun penat...n orang pun takut2...yelah sekarang ni orang nk menipu macam2 gaya...tp lepas dah diberi penerangan...pak guard pun sgt helpful siap bawak kitorg dari rumah ke rumah...management perumahan pun bg kerjasama....semua pun berjalan dengan lancar...and aku sendiri dapat belajar banyak perkara tentang rakyat Malaysia...contoh di Bayu Puteri...dalam 20 respondent aku....semua pun cakap management buat wiring dengan bagus...tapi ade satu uncle...complaint pasal rumahnya selalu overload...bila aku tanye power source nye 3 phase or single phase...dia xdpt bg jawapan...bila aku bg penerangan kt dia klu power source single phase maknanye kita tak boleh guna letrik berlebihan...sebab nanti overload...seterika, laptop, air cond, microwave and dapur elektrik tak boleh diguna kan serentak or share power source yg sama....sebab tu fius selalu tendang....klu pasang 3 phase pun tp kalau guna aircond 3 4 serentak, pasang lap top byk2,using macam kedai punya usage....pun fius tendang juga...bila aku explain gitu...uncle tu slow sikit.... the same mase aku g kt taman perumahan dato harun...de pakcik marah2...kononnya bil TNB rumah dia sampai rm200 sebulan...terdetik hati aku...aku kt rumah de 4 orang, pagi2 guna heater utk mandi, seterika, laptop, washing machine, peti ais, kipas, tv memang selalu gune...tp bil tiap2 bulan xpernah ag cecah rm40...so aku tanye pakcik tu...pakcik pasang aircond berapa banyak ye...dengan pantas die menjawab..."3 biji je...."....hmmm...padan la...aku cakap dalam hati je...nak cakap lebih...dia pun dah berumur....
Tapi dengan respond2 yg aku dapat,aku dapat belajar banyak perkara...contoh nya,1. rakyat tahu hak untuk membuat aduan...tp xambil tahu, 2. Rakyat tak tahu apa2, dan xmahu ambil tahu 3. Rakyat yang memang ambil tahu, dan gunakan hak untuk membuat aduan....so sedikit sebanyak, aku dapat rasakan susah pembuat dasar...nak berfikir...macam mana nak mendidik orang ramai, macam mana nak buat dasar yg xmembeban orang ramai....sebab aku sendri yg jadi macai di bawah ni pun...mengeluh juga bila nak berdepan dengan rakyat...tp ada baik nya pembuat dasar sendiri ambil masa turun padang, selami hati rakyat...fahami masalah mereka...sebelum keluarkan sesuatu dasar...research je xcukup...sentuhan personal tu penting, sentimen tu penting...aku sendri rase sgt rendah diri dan humble...sebab bila duduk dengan penduduk2 ni...cerita pasal elektrik, pengalaman diorg, beban diorg....tp xboleh nak buat ape2.....ape yg aku boleh buat adalah sebarkan no hotline Suruhanjaya Tenaga kepada semua respondent yg aku interview, supaya diorg pulak boleh sebarkan kat kenalan diorg....

bad breath....

I wake up with the constant stabbing pain at my upper right jaw from the front to the back. My throat is sore. My nostril feel itchy. It's not pleasant. I've been suffering the same thing after the infection. It keeps getting worse. And my breath stink.
At first, I thought it's because of my teeth. But I'm the diligent type. I brush my teeth, I floss. I use mouthwash. I go to dentist for scaling and filling. I polish my teeth. The dentist says that my teeth are clean. The problem it's not my teeth.
One day, my jaw hurt really bad that I felt like pulling off all my teeth at once. I straightaway went to the dentist. The dentist said, it's not my teeth that caused the pain. He pressed my upper cheek and my forehead. It was painful. The dentist referred me to ENT at PPUM. The doctor said I have sinus infection. I was given antibiotic and some medicine to control it. She said, the infection gave me the bad breath.
I thought after a dosage of antibiotic. things would get better. But the doc said. The infection at the sinus area takes time to recover. because our sinus cavity is always wet, plus I have a sensitive nose and allergies that will keep producing the mucus.The living place of the culprit. So therefore although I take the antibiotic, the bacteria will not be ridden so easily. Most of the time. It develops immunity. I took the medicine to dry up my mucus. But the dosage is quite heavy back then, it caused me to feel sleepy and dizzy most of the time. but later, I got used to it. But after 2 years. it doesn't make a different. I've been through numbers of antibiotics with variation of dosage from Augmentine to avelox to Zinmat. Avelox caused me depression and tremor as the side effect and Augmentin made me bleed. But dosage after dosage. The problem still remain.
Every time I wake up, the pain exist and the taste that lingers in my mouth is bitter. I can't help it that my nose is sensitive. we are talking about Malaysia where the spores are everywhere. The food we ate has toxin too. When it comes to the food I eat,i'm allergic to belacan, keropok lekor, prawn, squid, crab, budu, cincaluk, cili api, dried shrimp.....these are the basic ingredient in Malaysia dishes.....that's why i prefer to eat western food...When it comes to the air I breath, the haze, the pollen, the spores, the unknown metal particles, the heavy chemical particles triggers my allergic reaction..it' produces more mucus  and it makes my whole skin itchy..I'm constantly dependent on antihistamine to contain it. But in the long run, it caused my nose to become more sensitive than ever.
As the last resort, the doc suggested operation. I went along with the plan. Anything that make me better. I'm on it. The operation did work temporarily. I am no longer coughing like mad. I used to cough endlessly because of the mucus. I no longer have runny nose that block my nostril. But the problem with the bad breath comes after 2 or 3 weeks...after the bacteria manage to overcome the antibiotic. So the doctor decided, no more antibiotic. The doc said, there's a possibility...the bacteria were immune with antibiotic. The doc stop all the medication. So at the moment, I'm on the medication detox. I take no pill, except for the antihistamine and drink lots of orange juice.
But i have to see people, interact with people. People are judgmental, they are the creature of judgement. I can't go around telling people my sad story to each of them and hope they will understand. When I am with the kids, they often ask, and I explain to them. No, my teeth is not rotten. It's my nose. Sooner or later, they get over it. But, it's a different story with adult. adults are not so accepting as the kids. They don't try to understand, they avoid it.
I don't want to make people be uncomfortable around me. I feel uncomfortable too. It's my fucking breath. It's my life, my job. It caused me to have inferiority complex. Every time I see people, I try not to be paranoid. They judge. Because if i were in their position. I would judge too. That's why I don't want to hang out in the big crowd, I don't want to know someone new. Who doesn't have any idea about my problem. It's kind of hard to interact. I try to distance myself from people. But in reality, I can't.
My mom keep insisting that I have to get married any sooner. but with the condition I have. There's no way I'm going to embarrass myself out there and be judged by the guy I met. No freaking way. I don't know when will this problem of mine will be cured. And I don't want to make people understand and symphatize with me. I just want them to leave me alone until I'm able to cure it.