not funny

aku dlm phase post-operation...utk sampai ke stage operation neh....sakit aku menanggung tiap2 bulan...xbley nk cerita...cume org yg pernah rasa je yang tahu....aku dah setahun lebih duk di johor...n dah 2 kali undergo operation....call it bad luck or whatever.....i dun know why....
1 st operation, appendix pecah...well time tuh mmg rase nk putus nyawa dah...only god knows....luckily time raya...n aku dkt umah family....so sebab cepat bertindak aku masih bernafas....if aku kt batu pahat...huhu...aku dh innalillah kot....coz aku duk sorg kt sane....but that is my 1st experience being immobilize n incapacitate.....it's hurt...but time heals everything....later...tetibe badan aku naik mendadak...my back start to ache...i thought it is due to my weight...n my abdoment hurt real bad especially during pre-while- post menstruation...n my cycle isn't normal...n i can't move due to the acute pain...n my only friend is "painkiller"....n guess wut....another operation incoming...bcoz of 2 things...my cysts are getting bigger they affected my reproductive system...n the appendicextomy scar sticks like glue to my bowel n abdomen wall..thus reducing my metabolism..here lay the answer of my hormone imbalance n why i'm getting fat though how much i exercise n the reason i feel pain every time i do the sit up........so i hv 2 go through another operation to remove the cysts n freed my bowel from the scar tissues...n it get me thinking.....
when i was happy back then...i was free from ailment.....but now, when everything goes haywire, my health also decreasing...i realize...i'm not happy...no matter how much i try...i'm still not happy....i want to be somewhere else that can make me happy...
No offense to anybody...tp aku sgt rase terseksa n trapt....fitting in the social circle that is not my social circle...macam balik ke zaman aku kt mrsm (except aku ade kwn kt sana)....aku risau lebih lama aku duduk di johor n xhepi....mcm2 ag penyakit yg aku dpt...
it's not funny if my stomach have to be cut every year...it's hurt....n though how much i think lightly or make fun about it....deep inside....it's my goddamn stomach....n i'm so freaking uncomfortable to get through this....

My resolution for new year....

hahaha...aku neh beriye2 berazam tapi jadiknye xtaw ag....tapi aku benar2 bertekad utk jadi seseorang yang aku suka....oleh kerana beberapa faktor yang aku xbley kontrol...aku jadi gemok...kerana gemok...aku malas nak carik pakwe baru (n aku mmg ade suspicion yg kuat bahaw exbf aku curang pasal aku dah gemuk)....n aku xhappy kat tempat aku kerja sekarang (yep, aku tipu diri sendri je cakap yg everything is alright...) but what choice do I have????org lain bley gune reason nak ikut laki utk pindah balik kl...aku jgnkan laki...bf pun xdak....sob sob...(mode drama queen balik)....
sepanjang tahun 2010...aku xhappy...aku jeles dgn ramai org...aku jeles dgn A sebab die dpt sambung belajar sampai PHD, aku jeles dgn B coz badan die makin kering n bley pakai baju lawa2 utk ngorat ramai anak ikan, aku jeles dgn C wlaupun die xlawa tp dpt pakwe hot,aku jeles dgn D coz die gemuk macam aku tp ade pakwe juge....hahaha...tgk aku punye hasad dengki...tp aku setakat jeles je la...xde la sampai nak jumpe bomoh main santau2 org or doakan yg xbaik utk org lain...waras ag beb...tp kerana masalah kejelesan aku yg agak ketara aku jd seorg yg give up...aku malas nak buat sesuatu dgn bersungguh2...coz aku dah bermentaliti "eleh kalau aku buat pun...bukannye dapat ape...." n aku bertambah2 xhepi...
bukan xde org ngorat aku...tp aku maleh nak frust menonggeng agi...pastu dgr ayat rewind2 berulang kali....aku dh bley hafal skrip kaum yg ag satu tuh...sampai aku nak muntah....dari yg kategori anak ikan, bapak org, datuk orang....same je skrip die....aku xhampe...cume sudah bosan.....
Aku nak sangat happy mcm dulu...aku nak jalan2 sane sini, aku nak jadi aktif balik....bley watpe yg aku suke...klu kat tempat yg aku duduk skang, aku betul2 mati kutu...
Aku xmahu dianggap xbersyukur...tapi aku sgt bosan hidup macam ini...hari2 kena jalan menjengket mcm pijak bara...aku keluar g kedai pun org pandang2....everything I do bley jd bahan yg makan diri aku balik...yep aku ade kawan...aku ade izzah n hana h aishah..but people who knows me tahu aku org yg macam mana...aku sgt suke buat hal aku sendri...aku suke merayau2 jln kt shopping mall whenever aku nak, lepak baca kat borders berjam2 tanpa org kisah, main game kt starbuck sesuke hati aku sambil minum lemon shaken tea....tengok wyg cerite yg aku suke 3 movies in a row....g seven eleven tgh malam buta nak carik slurpee...makan kat gerai yg best tanpa org pandang2 mcm jakun gile....n start gosipping...anak dara mana makan sorg2 tgh2 malam nih...so shitty man....
aku xde kebebasan utk makan, utk tgk wyg, utk shopping or utk bace buku yg aku suke kat sini....nak jogging apetah lagi....aku ngeri dgn mata2 jantan gatal yg memandang...aku saiko bile bangla sebelah rumah aku mengorat aku...or pekerja kedai makan mintak no telefon aku....n ase pathetic...aku ase sedih.....n aku ase low gile.....
Perkara2 di atas turut menyumbang kepada masalah kegemukan aku...doc said...cyst + hormon xseimbang + stress + asik tido = kegemukkan mendadak....damn....aku xmkn byk pun....still aku gemok bcoz of external factor....
n bile tunang best friend aku yg lack sense of humor make fun of my extra weight....wtf...aku sumpah tunang ko gemuk balik...hohoho..jahatnye aku..lucky him....he's so lucky dat he is my friend's fiance...klu x...sudah lama kena makan penyepak...
same goes to other people....esp my mom...everytime i eat something...die kata...badan ko dah naik...sedangkan aku baru je nak menyuap makanan.....then xpyh la masak...so aku xpyh makan....why masak if pastu bising2...i eat what you cook...not like i eat some extra food excessively......if there's nothing 4 me to eat....I won't eat...that's me...I'm not some glutton that eat everything in front of me....
Throughout the year, aku xhappy....n aku nk buat diri aku happy 4 next year...I'm gonna start exercising...walaupun aku tahu fee gym kat batu pahat absurd gile punye mahal kalah fitness first...but I want to get in shape again..I realise...if i can undergo so many big things in my life....getting back in shape won't be as painful as what i was going through.....
I want to be myself again...the petite me...the rotten me....the bitchy me...I want to learn to say No, to do things for myself n never bother about what will other people say...I want to be able to look in the mirror n not hating myself....that's enough for me....i hope i can make it achievable....

aku melalak lagi....

tadi tetibe jari jemari gatal menaip nama si dia di google...aku jarang melakukan aktiviti xberfaedah ini sebenarnye...tapi oleh kerana aku dlm misi menyiasat identiti dan background sorg mamat pilot aku aku kenali secara xsengaja..aku pun berkata pada diri sendiri...sambil menyelam usya lah kaki awek2....
rupe2nye si A telah membuat satu blog....dan die macam hepi je...xde pule menyebut tentang awek baru or awek lama...kire chick free la...but yg buat aku sendu tahap cipan beranak tu...bile tgk pics2 yg diupload semuanye pics yg aku tangkap dgn kamera aku...cheapskate btol....huwa huwa huwa...aku xtaula die xde kamera canggih or bukan stock camwhore...walaupun dulu encik A suke camwhore dgn aku....but aku ase sgt xadil gile...coz die simpan pics2 die yg aku amek...chisss....ko putuskan hubungan dgn aku selambe cheeseburger...tp pics2 yg aku amik, ko simpan...sob sob sob....hamba rase sungguh hampeh dan bermuram durja kala ini....confirm aku bungkus diri dalam TOTO dan meraung ag.....cheesecake betul la diri aku sendri nih...tu la...gatal tgn lagi...omputih kan dah cakap...ignorant is bliss...yg ko xphm2 bahasa lg tu pehal....padan muke aku...

bla bla bla....

weeee....dah lame xupdate....lately tiap kali nak update je...connection kt skola asik haus plus aku maleh nk update blog kat skola...nampak sgt mcm aku curi tulang....so aku decided nk pakai broadband balik....n update d blog wit d comfort of my home...
During the past two days...aku n member g main air terjun....sgt brrrrrrr....coz aku dpt pakej mandi air terjun n air hujan....but aku xupdate blog aku psl air terjun...itu aku akan letak kt the other blog...since this blog...is more to touchy touchy feely feely....so aku concentrate dkt perkara yg saiko atau penuh emosi....or jiwang karat...
The best things about hanging out with a friend...is sesi berkongsi perasaan...n then again...of coz la akan sentuh pasal laki....
So kitorg pun berdiskusi tentang letting go....one of my friend said that...between boys n girls...it's the guy that always having the problem about letting go...even though the love is gone...they will still try to hang on to it...i don't know what the reason is...it might be the greed or their possessive nature...I don't know what to make of it...
I'm still mending my broken heart...still lying to myself that he will come back...but I don't know....i really have no idea...
my two parts of the brain are so full of craps....voices keep talking to me...as if trying to help me justify the unjustifiable stuff....fix the unfixable...unscrewed the screwed....N i'm lost in the translation....
In my right hand, I have to decide whether i should stay n being just friend with someone i used to love wit all my heart...I still hurt when he said those words to me....THE LOVE HAS GONE....why love is so important that when we run out of it we start throwing everything away...the good and the bad....n if the love is gone....why giving me flowers...why treats me with the nice steaks in town, why buy me expensive clothes with less function and what about buying me my favorite books.,...why being nice to me when you practically dump me months or years ago..And i still don't understand how I could chill and watch movie with him plenty of time after the break up..how still exchange smses whenever he's out from that middle earth...i could not justify it...if it just a habit formation...and it sticks...why does the love doesn't stick???? and why after all these years he wants to see me again...I just wish I'm not reading too much into it...after my bleeding heart is able to dry....it's easy for me to falter...coz it is not a F***king movie...where the prince n princess live happily ever after....somehow I wish that he was wrong...and I was right....the love has not gone...it still there...we just lost it...the way i lost it when he decided to end it....but my heart still ache...i pray to god that he will quickly get married so that I can put a real end to it....
on the other hand...i thought i already find someone who is just fine...just right...where when both combine...it could complete each other...but then again...reality slapped me on the face....I was tricked...n i start I asking myself what's real...coz i really don't know....I know nothing about him as I thought i did....all those words he said...i don't know if it lies or the truth....and I feel stupid...coz I thought I am a clever person....guys couldn't play trick on me...and his act was real enough to fool me....those words with lots of emotion...the puppy eye...it makes me want to drive my head to the wall....n though i keep telling people n myself that I don't buy him anymore....but deep inside I really want to believe in him....
And I find myself stuck...the first guy who is unwilling to let go...when it's about time to....or the guy you never ever take an effort to wish for my birthday or asking about my health....who server the ties exactly at the moment we are done....and I still hoping to settle the score with him....I am so damn pathetic...
I know i should move on...i just have to meet the guy and hit it...but look at me...i grow double my size....my health is not pristine as it used to be....I'm getting more n more selfish n annoying everyday...I don't know how to be nice to guys coz I think they are a bunch of D***heads....I don't know how to go back in the game anymore....
Even though I want to...but I can't...I dun know if it is considered as weird...but I"ve been traumatized with the whole experience...and I could never look at things the way I do now that I've grown up n aged...and I past the playing stage....I don't want to go back to the dating zone....n i'm too freak out to settle.....i know i should find for the solution...but part of me saying...it's not worth it anymore....
i'm not a person who cheat their partner....but everywhere i look...it makes me lost hope in the word trust anymore....i've erased it from my vocab list....

am I too old for a romance....

I'm not a person who believe in love at the first sight...and after series of failing relationship...it makes me getting angrier and angrier with man...but when watching romantic drama series...deep inside my heart...i still think that there is a hope...

I have a difficult personality...the truth is..I do think that I'm not in love with the boys i had relationship with before...I do love them..I do share the same things in common with them, i do get along with them...but I'm not strong enough with them...I can't imagine living my life with them..I always finding ways to run or pushing them away in the end...deep inside my heart I knew...it will never work...I just knew it....

God knows I never cheat...it's true..i ever like someone else when I'm with a relationship with someone else..but I do not cheat....hence being cheated several times drive me to the wall...I'm no angel...but If you can't accept me the way I am...why start it? Why gives me hopes,showering me with empty promises....when it's all end up like a piece of useless junk....n in the end you chose someone else...someone else who better than me...do you have any idea how it affects my self-confidence??

It's hurt so bad that it creates a hollow in my heart...I don't know why it hurt so much...but the fact that you choose someone else over me is hurting me. Love has nothing to do with it. it is the fact that i've been abandoned that smothering me.I'm not good at dealing with rejection. So when I open my heart just to fail..it's really drives a blow to my face. I feel like a sore loser...being dumped by a loser...that's the worst...then how can i look at man without being skeptical...I becoming more n more like sylvia plath everyday...

And I think about my teenage life,about the way i handle romance...i chose to run away, to dilly dally, to amuse myself with affection then jump out of it...I always end up dating the other guy when the guy that I like is other person...I don't know why i do what i do...but it just me...maybe deep inside I'm addicted to pain of losing more than anything....

I have no expectation anymore...secretly I wish i don't have to be bothered by this anymore...but I'm still a girl...n I have feeling...n the emptiness inside me...needed to be filled...I just wish i could function normally like other people...coz even having a conversation with a man freaking me out lately....

Film Director-Writer ANTHONY WONG KFC Voice of Tomorrow

Why don't you try with me???

As we stepped into the adulthood ville, no matter how much we want things to stay the same...it will surely left you devastated..friends whom you thought would have stood by you so long, who would never turn you away...changed their color until you could never recognize them anymore. The environment that blanketed you so warmly and cushioned your step with cotton candy had changed into an alien surrounding that make you heart beat turn faster and faster and you start tip toeing cautiously for the fear of stepping on the hidden booby trap. You are stuck and unhappy.

Most of us feel the same way, and sometimes we just don't know how to escape from it. Everyone is facing the same problem. Some choose to find escapism, some choose to get lost in the maze to the point of no return and few take efforts to find themselves. As for me, I still in the process of finding myself, though things have not really improved the way I want it to be, but I guess I'm doing just fine.

I see some of my boat partner ending up getting sea sick from the journey while some drown themselves in. I'm not in the position to judge coz i've been dealing with the same problem. But since, we know that this boat is taking us to somewhere we never know, I choose to be less of a drama queen (although sometimes I did "soap operaing" things) and try to work things out.

Life sucks!! Admit it. Life sucks when you are forced to move away from home, living in the social circle which is not your social circle, fitting in so as not to be isolated, pointing your head permanently towards the earth, plastering your face with the smile as a mask, buying things you don't need so as not to hurt someone's feeling,deafened your eyes and tied your tongue and pretend to be ignorant just to be liked by others...it is shitty...but that's life...that's what we've been through.

When i had a boyfriend, I always managed to find time to sulk and complaining and complaining until he got tired of hearing, it might be hard to admit. But I know i had it coming when we broke up.I forgot that he has his own problem to deal with and why should he care about what i've been through??? He's not the one who ask me to move 100miles from my home, he's not the one who ask me to work, it's not his fault i can't fit in,it's not his fault if I've been bullied, he has his own life to live, why should he be burdened with something that's not his doing at the first place and why should he listen?? It's dawn onto me, that my life is for me to deal with. Everybody is unhappy, why bother them.

If you miss your friend, find them. Drive miles away if you really care, don't just wait for them to knock on your door.And when they decide to knock your neighbor's door you start complaining about how nearby you are and your friend don't even take effort to knock.In friendship, it takes a lot of effort to glue it together. Coz friends always come last, When you are happy with your husband or your boyfriend..you don't bother to share your happy moment with you friends, but when you arguing with you hunny bunny, then you sought for your friend's attention. And when they fail to give the attention you need the most, you sulk and said they don't care...when you don't even care to say hi and actually care to know whether your friend is happy or sad or in a good shape or grieving with broken relationship.And you start comparing your life like you are the only victim in the universe.

If you are so unhappy with your life, find time for yourself. Stop saying shitty things about how lucky this or that fella is. coz the difference between people who get what they want and don't get what they want is they taking the effort to make it possible. I find my escapism in doing something I like that does not bother other people. I read the comics, I play games, I travel wherever I want, I do all these to make me happy. So stop saying "it is good for you to be free as a bird unlike me", "it is good when you have no commitment unlike me", "it is good you don't have any responsibility unlike me", "it is good you have money for yourself unlike me". Because I took effort in doing these things. Driving miles away is not fun, it's tiring. But I choose to do it because it makes me happy.Travelling cost a lot of money, but I choose to do it not because I have plenty of money to spend but because doing it makes me happy.If being by your significant other makes you happy, why should you compare your life with mine??? and said how lucky I am to be free when you have a commitment to fulfill. I didn't ask you to get hitched at the first place. and maybe, i would be dying to be in your place. But I couldn't, so I choose to do what i know to do.

I tried not to be jealous with other people's life and be grateful, and it's really hard especially at night when i return to the home with no one beside my own shadow.Switching the television on the whole night to kill the deafening silence that invading every corner of the house.keep my hand phone in power-less mode as often to kill the urge to call someone at the middle of the night. Trying hard to make a sense of everything. It's not easy. But I try not to blame somebody or God for my misfit. I'm trying so why don't you try with me???

friendship...

semalam member aku tepon aku tanye khabar....tanye aku sihat ke x n etc etc...pastu die tanye pasal member2 aku yg lain...aku jwb terdaya yg mungkin....but mostly aku jwb aku xtau....hmmm....truth is...aku malas nak ambil tau dengan org yang xkisah pasal aku....i have enough friend to suffice my need....so I don't see the purpose of having unnecessary friend who thinks of your existense as nothing but a past memory....

This friend is a good friend. Aku masih igt lagi die pernah backing kawan aku mase kawan aku kena maki dengan seorg classmate aku yg kerek bley tahan...this guy is freaking mind his own business fellow, the type of guy who follows the mass but keeps his own identity and passive to the core....he is a sweet little boy who adores girls and protect them. That's why he is having difficulty to find a girlfriend...coz he's too sweet....change please...girls like jerk better than gentleman....

So this friend is a gem...he keeps finding ways to keep in touch with his friends n he cares too much...unlike me who had enough of caring the uncaring friends....And I know deep inside he feels underappreciated coz he knows full well that his friends could never care the way he cares.

Aku sebenarnye malas nak komen lebih2 pasal friendship coz i'm not a good friend myself...mcm aku pernah cakap sebelum neh...klu ko ungrateful and selfish...ko xbley la expect ko dpt kawan yg willing to sacrifice for you n mengadap ko 24 hours a day....aku adalah jenis yg susah nak refuse org yg dalam kesusahan....maksud aku sejak aku besar dan ade kepale otak ni la...dulu...hmmmm...sama taraf je.....So sedikit sebanyak aku faham apa yang mamat nih ingin sampaikan kat aku... aku xtaula a definition of true friend tu mcm mane....but for me is simple...if they willing to text u more than 10 smses for something so trivial in a day....or texting you just to hang out.....or simply texting you to call how you are doing and has no other intention besides your well being...they are good friends....Good friends don't have to be cool enough to make you feel famous...coz you are not the character in the Gossip Girl and you definitely not in need of minions to follow u around...or the other way around...having a cool friend doesn't make you cool...it only makes you look shallow...wake up...the world doesn't revolve around you....

Friend who cares about you is not a friend who leaves 1000 comments in the FB but never bother to have a face to face conversation....admit it...some friends are not worth it....coz even if you are dead...it is no concern of theirs....stop being sentimental or nostalgic...find times to get rid of these 'not-feeling-you' friend...coz they only look for you just make them feel better about themselves...or so as not to be called SNOB....or because they need help....I know it sucks losing a friend...but it is suckier to have undefined friend rather than having imaginary friends....

If your friend has becoming more and more selfish and narcissistic....stay away.....If your friend feel hurt because she thinks she doesn't deserve to be mistreated for being a bitch...just turn a cold shoulder...stop wasting your time telling her what is bothering you...trust me...they won't listen....Friendship is not about trying to maintain it....it's about living it...it's about being there and share the mutual feelings with each other...if the relationship doesn't sync...leave....

Terase dgn aku....????? ade aku kisah????

Well...this is actually the old story....but tetibe aku rase emo bile igt balik...n dat particular person pun asik tanye aku ape salah die.....The answer is simple actually....I don't bother....
This girl pisses me off by texting me and calling me and ask what she had done wrong that makes me not wanting to wish her birthday....WTF.....and usually when she started acting like that...she definitely do something bad towards me....DEFINITELY....
Is she so important that i have to wish for her birthday...when she can casually rule out mine from the diary....I'm not a person with hatred....but I remember clearly giving every one of my friends their birthday present last year including her.....I'm not trying to be calculative or expect a present from her.....but if she forgets my birthday n I'm cool with it...why does she has to call me and sulk because i dun wish her for her birthday....it annoys me...when friendship is taken for granted....and what am I to you????Someone who should remember your birthday?????I might not be a good friend...But I'm trying hard to make things work....but if you don't care, then why should I care???I'm not your mommy or your babysitter....I'm just your friend....And sometimes i do get tired of giving......when the others only do the receiving....
I wish my friends happiness in life....whether i'm part of it or i'm not.....but don't expect me to do something you wouldn't do to me.....

is he worth the wait?

I no longer could justify things with my own logic...not be able to act as normal couple is killing me...Why can't some guys just pay attention to lots of things instead of focusing on one thing. This limitation is turning me off.

I know I demand too much for what i think is too little from my own perspective. What does commitment means? I have no clue and i have no idea. Is abandoning a girl friend for the sake of study really makes a guy become successful. Is woman a form of distraction from getting to what you want to achieve. Why does woman always being a better multitasker compare to man.

If a man says to a woman, why don't you wait and do whatever you want while I'm busting my ass off studying for our future. I'll call you when it's over. I will always find you when I want to find you. So what am I? a doll to play with when you have the time. You pamper and spoilt me when you have the time of your life and when things turns the other way around...all I get is silence and the same old phrase "you don't understand" again and again. Is that what commitment really means? What is the meaning of sugarcoating me with the word future when the present itself left me plenty of room for doubts. If I am better off alone,if i can do all the things myself, if I'm so good at handling myself without getting any help from you, What is the meaning of being together. What is the significant of you in my life.

I am a skeptic person.I tried to change my view on things.To look at things from the brighter side. but the fact that my first REAL love died in a car crash, the second one wanted to become a rock star so bad that he flunk his A-level third time in a row,the fact that i turn a cold shoulder towards my own boyfriend because i have a crush on a jerk whom I don't bother to have any relationship with, to waste my time with just-out-of-school boy who is not really my type and dumping him for his avid availability and quick to call 24 hours a day to check on me, to spend three years of relationship knowing fully well it will go nowhere and avoiding confronting with it till the last minute it's over and currently having a relationship with a boy who hasn't finished his study and uses the word "I don't know" as his mantra. I don't think being a little miss sunshine suited me.

I completely lost my faith in the my-brain-is -where-my-*****-is creature. and if this time, with my current boyfriend, if things still doesn't work. I've HAD it. I'm done. I'm tired and i believe I'm cursed. I'm not the type who flirt, I'm not the type who play sweet little dolly in front of a boy. It is really important for me to find a guy who can see me for my self. But why are those guys who able to do just that will end up wrecking my nerves every second they have. Why can't I be with someone normal? All i need is a guy who can cook, who can do the chores, who can fix things, who can make me listen and obey. Why does this man extinct? Why does the man with charisma and understand girl the most ended up being a homosexual freak.

a friend told me, each of us has our destined companion. And if that person ended up alone at the old age or becoming the second or the third wife. It means, their partner is already dead. What if it is really true? That my first love who is dead was suppose to be my predestined companion.Does that mean, the probability of me having a true love is short lived or simply stumped by his death. Am I gonna end up old and wrinkled alone by myself. Then again I curse man for being reckless with their life. The reason there are so many unmarried woman nowadays is not the fact that these woman now has a career but their supposed predestined partner died earlier because of lung cancer or accident.

Well, as far as myself is concern. I'm really done this time. If things doesn't work. I don't want to try anymore. Every time I look at man one of these days, I feel really annoyed and wish for their extinction. World would be a better place without them.certainly....

disillusion...

hmmmm.....aku dh disillusion....sudah blur dan xde tujuan hidup...aku macam salary man yg menunggu mase kene heart attack dan mati kering....huhhhh

how shitty can things be????

because of one stupid complaint letter sent to the ministry...everything gone haywire...there are people who start to appoint themselves to be morale inspectors and there are people who stupid enough to make a difference between kindness and responsibility.

About the lectures affected. I confess, they are an amazing lecture. They did that part amazingly...but as people who took care of our welfare...do they play their part in that? do they bother to know? do they actually listen to us and make a difference? all we heard is "I don't know. Why don't you ask this person, why don't you ask that person" we've been kicked here and there like a ball....and no solution has been made. If they so much pay attention to what is wrong with us at the first place...they wouldn't put the blank face in front of the KPM when they were asked what is going on with us. They are clueless because they don't know. They dump the responsibility to the admin knowing fully well that the admin itself is unreliable....and though they know what is wrong, they never took our side to begin with coz admin has more power than the students. It's not worth to fight for the students' right, so they just stick to what they do best which is teaching the students. But when something goes wrong, they started to look for people to blame. If they so much paid any interest in our case at the first place.Do you think that all these will happen to them.

And if they claim that we never reach out to them. They better shut their mouth. coz they know fully well what is going on. When we asked for their hand...they passed it to other people. The door is forever shut. Don't tell me that the student didn't try.They tried and all they got was disappointment. And when they got fed up and did something extreme...Now the lecturers start making noises and claim that they are the innocent victim.

It is fair for the students' life to be screwed coz they got a long life to live, they must know that the world doesn't revolve around them and sometimes they don't get what they want? but when it comes to the lecturer who taught us, we took pity in them, we feel remorse and start thinking that we are ungrateful bastard and bitches that made their life difficult. I wonder, if they really care about us, I'm sure they got nothing to be angry of when the KPM probe them with questions. They should be proud of their student for their guts to take some action which are few people can do instead of being outrage and looking for someone to blame.I don't know...should i feel guilty because these person are kind person or should i console myself and make me feel better that whatever happen to them is because they don't do the work properly. In UM, though the lecturer are more self absorbent and stick to themselves, but Dr Juliana as the coordinator at the time, did her work wonderfully. Though UM is bigger than IPIK. Our welfare is being taken care of. We got no worries and no complaint made. That's the different between people who actually do their job and didn't do their job.

And as for my cohort itself. What more I could say. I saw this pattern again and again that it made me feel nausea. Kiss asser is most prominent one, yang suke kumpul jawatan tapi xbuat kerje, yang buat kerja sikit tapi bising je lebih, yang baik dgn semua lecture tp buat kerja mcm bangang and claim they are too busy doing the works (ape die buat pun aku xtau), and budak yg mulut bising kat belakang bagai nak rak...kat depan...tunduk,kaki menggigil2...senyap seribu bahasa...and ade yg xamik kisah langsung coz they are to busy with themselves. Aku pun mebi antara golongan ni agaknye. Whatever. Tapi one thing I know about myself, if I knew something is wrong...i will against it. Kalau aku bley betray kawan sendri bile die buat salah...xmustahil aku bley betray pihak lain kalau diorg buat salah walaupun diorg baik dgn aku.

baik dgn tanggungjawab adalah perkara berbeza. Dulu bile aku dpt tau kawan aku nk songlap duit yg dikumpul untuk dinner...aku terus reject proposal die. Imagine, bile aku sendri call restoran tu...seorng cume kena byr rm40, but mangkuk tuh tekan sampai rm60. Kalau aku layankan die dan ikut idea die just becoz die baik dgn aku....do you think it is fair for the rest of the cohort? and aku bukan jenis yg bagitau satu dunia ape yg aku buat. aku buat dulu, the rest klu org dapat tau...itu terpulang pada diorg. N kalau mamat tuh bengang dgn aku psl hal tu and nak fitnah aku bukan2...sampai kate aku songlap duit biro ekonomi...go ahead...sekali pun aku xserang die.sekalipun aku xckp ape2 coz aku masih igt die kwn aku...and aku tau, bile org dah kantoi and takut org lain tau salah die...die akan divert the attention and cakap dielah victim.aku yg aniaya dia,akulah yg jahat. I remember each and everyone yg buat tuduhan tu pada aku. i will forgive but i won't forget. Aku xkate aku betul...but i didn't go to other people n spread nonsense or fitnah about my own friend which some of us memang suka buat. Aku xpaham mentaliti yg suka melaga-lagakan org, menghebahkan keburukan org kat org lain...n bile kena btg hidung sendiri.Mengamuk xtentu pasal. Gile hina...xkisah la kawan xkawan...hina tetap hina.

And aku xsuke mentaliti pengecut dan bacul. Belakang cakap berdegar2..tapi dpn pengecut....and bile ade problem saling tuding menuding jari kat member sendiri. Gilee aku benci org macam nih....tension tension

I need a break..but i don't know where to start..

I'm freaking desperate with my life right now...i really need a human touch...but it just a freaking crazy thing to hug just any person within my reach...my mom called me crying...about the same old stuff...how my sister treat her with disrespect in front of other people...but she keep coming back to my sis...like some kind of a magnet...after all my sis is still her daughter....

raised and brought up by lack of physical contact with my parents...i'm clueless on how to react in this situation...I'm not a physical person...I even hurt people with barely my tongue as a weapon...n I miss my Boyfriend more than anything...but all i did was lashing him with my words until his heart bleed and his mind disoriented...but the truth is I just want to touch him more than anything in this world...it's been 3 months since i saw his face...n everyday i'm getting more disturbed with things around me. My paranoia, my lack of optimism, my double-faced attitude...is kicking my ass until I could not sit in comfort....My life is a total mess...but I'm too tired to fix it....

Can I Survive With RM2207 per Month?

I used to feel rich when i studied...I received RM700 per month from my scholarship. The money are more than enough to survive the month....i could buy anything I wanted. But when I work, and my salary at the moment is three times equal my scholarship...i still have a problem on how much i could spend...overall...these are the list of things that I 'must pay' per month
1. RM300 for the car loan...i still use the same car my father bought me during my first year in university...and since i has started working..so i have to continue paying the loan myself.
2.RM250 for my house rent per month.
3.RM200 for ASB loan.
4.RM300 for my stupid Maxis Bill.
5.RM100 for my bills (electricity,astro,water supply)
6.RM50 for my duit kutu.
7.RM120 for my fuel usage.
8.RM 500 for my parents...
and the balance is what i have to survive in a month...
plus i have to put aside some money for car maintainance, road tax, insurance....this is freaking crazy man...money is not enough....

maxis sucks

Maxis adalah satu sebab kepokaian aku setiap bulan...dem...berape kali aku cakap dekat operator maxis yg bangang tuh...that everytime aku punye bil reach rm200 terus bar...but dalam bil yg aku dpt tiap2 bulan mesti xpernah exact rm200...the previous month aku punyer bil cecah rm300...what a stupid idiot...aku pun xtau lah...so i decide i had enough all their bullshit and makan duit...aku nak terminate je postpaid Maxis yang macam bangang...
Maxis is shitty because...besides makan duit buta bulan2...coverage die macam bangang.....imagine aku yg tinggal dekat Batu Pahat n KL boleh ade coverage disturbance....bile aku bising...operator bodoh tu...boleh kate satelit Maxis ade problem...xbley buat ape2...coz tu technical punya problem...kan bodo punye jawapan....dah la teleservice tuh kena charge...pastu boleh bg jawapan bodoh macam tuh.....abistu Celcom dengan Digi tuh gune satelit ape??? Bukan satelit yang sama ke?
Kata Maxis perkhidmatan telecommunikasi terunggul...Ananda Krishna tuh...setiap tahun masuk top ten billionair terkaya Malaysia...tapi masalah satelit xbley fix....this is the biggest scam of all....aku gune both broadband Celcom dgn Maxis...n the result is....broadband Maxis...is shit ass...aku bayar RM138 per month just utk dapat connection edge...even dekat tempat hotspot...pastu boleh suke ati mak bapak die je nak disconnect bile die suke....baik aku gune broadband celcom yg rm50 je tiap bulan and aku masih boleh surf sampai tahap hspa (tahap connection tertinggi dalam kategori broadband) dekat area batu pahat neh......Maxis sangat rubbish....
As a conclusion...Maxis is a type of telecommunication scammer that rob us blind in daylight...plus...sesuka hati jual nombor kite kat scammer2 lain....sejak aku guna maxis...dah berjuta2 sms scam yg aku dpt...gambar sensasi la...video terkini la...on cinta la...on kelakar la....stupid Maxis...

virginity....

Tak berapa lama dulu,ade seorg kwn aku..miss A..dlm keadaan agak miserable...story kat aku yg dia kena belasah dgn bf dia...the reason coz bf dia find out dia dh xvirgin ag...aku pun nk pengsan mase dgr...but i keep it cool...benda dh jadi...klu aku marah miss A pun...tak guna dah...dan aku lg rase nak lempang jantan tuh lebih dari nak lempang Miss A sebab jantan tuh pukul pompuan.dasar jantan dayus...

Aku pun malas nak tanye banyak2 how her bf found out psl dia dh x dara...but i do think bf die pun 2x5 kot...xkn dia guna ahli nujum kot find out psl mende tuh....

Bercakap pasal virginity nih bukan boleh main lepas mulut je...coz aku neh pun pompuan...sekarang alhamdulillah aku masih mampu jaga perbuatan aku...but esok lusa...i don't know...mintak tuhan jaga aku dari semua tu...

since aku bukanlah orang yang layak berceramah menggunakan hadis dan firman...so aku akan stick to the logical thinking...yup..rite...chenta itu buta...but akal tu xbuta...at least we as a girl mesti tau ape yg kita nak...not ape yg bf kita nak...life kena ada expectation...coz it's not black n white...ari nih bf ko sayang ko...esok die bley campak ko mcm tuh je...selagi xdak ikatan yg mengesahkan dia memang 100% hak ko...dun take the risk...haloo....laki org pun bley curang kt bini die...apetah lg yg xkawin....the world is their playground and the girls are their bunnies...

bab give up virginity nih...aku ase memang terjadi kat pompuan semua golongan kot...xde label2 dah skang neh...yg pakai tudung pun bersepah2 xde dara...yg pakai tudung labuh pun begitu juga...so xbley cakap budak xpakai tudung or pakai seksi2 neh jahat...coz kita bukan tuhan nk judge org tuh jahat ke baik ke...

bagi aku ada 3 golongan pompuan yg dh xvirgin neh...golongan pertama ialah golongan yang xpernah ada bf...n kurang bergaul dgn budak laki mase pembesaran mereka...spend so much time alone and most of the time only having a real conversation with guys in the chatroom, so bila ada org show affection...diorg sgt naive smpi xbley differentiate passion with lust...especially if the guys spoilt them with love and barang mahal2....terhutang budi then tergadai body...biasenye pemangse mereka adalah lelaki yg dh kerja..normally laki org la...tp ade gak yg bujang...muka dari tahap sederhana ke hodoh...jarang laki ensem buat macam neh..sebab they can get better..xpayah nk beli brg mahal2 or blanje makan in order nak nampak baik n gain the girl's trust...n they dun hv to waste time chatting...they can just go the nearby club,grab mane2 awek hot,singgah convenience shop beli condom,buat projek..tido and esok pagi babai....

ade course mate aku kt U dulu,terjebak dgn mende neh...luckily after all the commotion (xyahla aku nk explain kat sini,tp 4 phase [caressing,copulating,conceiving n aborting] tuh dah abis redah kot) that guy jadikan gak dia 2nd wife...so moral of the story...baik bukak mata luas2...banyakkan pergaulan dgn budak laki so later bley differentiate laki tuh cap ape....xpe klu banyak pakwe pun...asal tau jaga diri...dari ade sorg pakwe...tp terbarai2....lagi jahanam macam tuh...

Golongan kedua pulak,adalah golongan kurang kasih sayang dan perhatian...dalam kes kawan aku yang Miss A ni,dia jatuh dalam kategori kedua. she lost both of her parents,xde tempat nk mengadu,xde org nak tegur n bimbing dia...or marah dia kalau buat silap...though she has many friends..it doesn't help...dh mmg nature kot kawan xmembantu dalam menguatkan prinsip dan keyakinan diri...friends can never replace parents...so be grateful ok...betape annoying pun parents korg membebel...you still have them...mane ko pegi...ade yg kt rumah tu yang risaukan kau....some of us are not dat lucky...due to that she try to find love, to reach out to someone to dote to....due to lack of self esteem...dia jadi seorang yang menurut..xde prinsip diri n diperkotak katikkan oleh lelaki....n being at the wrong place at the wrong time...whut more can u expect....after kena belasah...she still stay...sebab sayang...dem...when u hv no money,no parents,no job,no life,no prospect...nothing to look forward to...you akan jd bodo juga..coz at the moment u xbley buat ape2 pun...n hv to rely on other person even though he's a real jerk..with hope dat by giving up her virginity for him...by doing all the unreasonable stuff he told her can make him love her more....i really feel her for that...luckily sekarang dia dah move on n bangun balik and sudah ditch dat bastard....good for her...hope she will find a good man out there...

golongan yang ketiga neh...memang bohsia dah..jenis yg dah xkesah langsung dah pasal virginity2 neh...dh xbley cakap ape dah...bohsia xsemestinya bengap n xsekolah...yg sekolah tinggi pun bohsia juga...cuma cara lain2...yg bohsia low class neh...biasenye yg sudah sangap...xpandang rupa.xpandang harta..sape2 pun boleh...asal dapat...yg high class lak..normally klu dia mmg anak org kaya or elitis...diorg xkisah pasal harta...janji jantan tuh HOT....tp mana yg xkaya but still nak ber soSIAL tuh...kena la tgk yg poket tebal...muka xbley pandang dah..janji duit masyuk....

bagi aku..xsemua perempuan yg dah hilang virginity tuh jahat..or jalang....xdinafikan pompuan2 yg terlanjur tuh asalnya memang baik..but somewhere along the line...kena goda terus cair...tp ade gak yang memang carik pasal sendri...depends la...sebab klu lelaki xgatal...benda tuh xkan jadi...unfair la klu kita panggil perempuan yg xde dara tuh slut...sebab laki yg buat dia hilang dara tuh lagi teruk kot....sangat2 dayus..dah buat salah xnak tanggungjawab...sewius aku pandang hina laki mcm tuh...n then lagi nak buat aku tembak diorg dengan pistol...mase kawin,pandai pulak cari yg elok...nak yg anak dara...bertudung litup bagai...tolongla cermin muka sikit...nak zuriat elok konon..klu benih dia dh tak elok...spray la kt container kelas A pun....tetap xelok....hidup la ko dgn menghancurkan hidup org lain...jawabla dgn tuhan nanti...

Memang betul,cinta akan menjadikan kita kurang bijak....baru kenal sehari dah macam kenal setahun...aku pun kadang2 bila dgn bf...tipula xrase ape...aku bukan lesbian kot...tp alhamdulillah...buat mase nih...bf aku agak rasional lagi...coz dia pk..klu ape2 jd...klu terlajak...dia nak bagi aku mkn ape nnt....hm...aku xtau la tip nih berguna ke x kan...tp cubela praktikkan kalau boleh....lelaki dgn nafsu seks memang xboleh dipisahkan...but korang bley tahu laki tuh...betul2 sayang kt korang ke x dari cara diorg bagi explanation kt korang bile diorg nak buat projek...klu lelaki tuh dgn confident cakap yg dia akan kawin dgn ko,akan jaga ko elok2...n cakap kat ko jgn risau...yg dia akan bertanggungjawab....u better be alert ok....coz he's fake...aku sure punye...time die kate mende2 nih...die tengah sebok meraba dan meramas mana2 bahagian dgn tangan dia..or tgh imagine scene yg bukan2..ewwwww....the real man xkan cakap camtuh ok....lelaki yang baik xkan buat promise dlm keadaan horny....dun trust men when they are horny....never ever....lelaki yg sayang kat ko...dia akan doubt his own action..even die tengah horny time tu..dia biasenye akan stop n they wake up n feel nervous....coz die tau klu dia blew up...responsibility tuh sgt besar.....if the man loves you...ko seduce die bagai nak rak pun....walaupun die mmg mahu sgt2...dia xsanggup nk buat....so klu dpt bf mcm neh...pls stick to him ok...coz he's a gem...dun giv bullshit excuses yang that type of man dun exist...they exist..u just hv to open ur eyes n search 4 them...trial n error babe...i'm lucky coz that man is my bf...hopefully tuhan takdirkan jodoh aku dgn dia...n kekal sampai mati....

As a girl, jgn sesekali kita takut kita tak laku or xde sape nk kat kita....virginity neh satu2 harta yg perempuan xkira miskin or kaya ada.Virginity itu adalah pendinding kita.and macam mana aku jaga kehormatan aku.macam tu juga aku expect significant other aku tuh jage kehormatan dia...coz relationship is sacred...trust itu important element...so sebelum ko decide nk going further with someone...biase2kan diri tanya soalan maut..seperti...awak teruna lagi ke? awak gay ke x? kenapa awak nak kawan dgn saya...setakat nak berkenalan or nak buat bini?..lantakla ape pandangan laki tuh kat ko pas ko tanye soalan2 cam2....klu die nak benci ko ape ke? coz klu dia rase piss off...he doesn't deserve u....org yg ikhlas dan tidak ada apa2 yg hendak disembunyikan akan jawab dgn tenang dan rileks...die xkan menggelupur cepat....or terdiam tibe2....make sure ko tanye soalan tuh secara tiba2...so die xde masa nak mengarang jawapan kat ko...

Most of the girls yg aku kenal yg suda xvirgin...cabaran utama mereka adalah menahan diri daripada melakukan perbuatan terkutuk tuh...coz it's commonly known dat sex is the most pleasurable thing on earth....so klu nk refrain dari buat benda tuh sangat2 susah....coz ko dah pernah rasa...that's why ada girl yg dah xkisah pun dgn sape die buat asalkan dia dapat lepaskan .that's why for girls yg masih virgin n peringatan kat aku juga...keep ur virginity intact..so at least ko bley jaga diri ko dari jatuh ke tangan jantan2 yang macam haram....selagi ko virgin...klu ko horny pun ko masih bley jaga diri and berfikir dgn rasional....least chances ko nk terjebak dlm benda2 tak elok...so the rule is don't start....and do it with someone who truly loves you....not with just anybody...u are expensive unless u make urself cheap.....

lagu lame...lyn je...

unpretty

hmm...aku mahu sesuatu yg normal....

aku tau aku kurang kenormalan tapi aku juga berhak mendapat sesuatu yang normal dan sihat....lately dgn latihan2 cukup yang telah diberikan...aku rasa aku boleh menjadi perfect candidate utk jawatan mistress....dating yg secare sorok2,gayut tepun secara sorok2 sampai kene kuar rumah or menyorok bawah bantal....jumpa sebulan sekali,or dua bulan sekali...dah jd rutin....sedangkan significant other aku (n xbf2 aku yg dulu) masih bujang trang tang tang dan bukan laki2 orang...dulu dan kini....situasi masih xberubah....aku jd pening...biar org silih berganti...masalah tetap sama...kadang2 aku yg dok sorok...kadang2 mereka....aku sudah malas nak menyorok2...aku dah tua...aku dah letih...same letih bile kuar dating pastu tgk wyg,makan,tgk wayang,makan,tengok wyg,makan,karaoke,main bowling.....di tempat yg orang xkenal aku....wuuu....aku suda xmau main sorok2...tp aku juga xboleh buat apa2....tgn terikat....sedey...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....bila la akan dpt timing yg betul nih.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Penonton sekarang lebih bijak???betul ke???

ayat-ayat cliche nih selalu kedengaran dimana untuk justify kenapa filem itu atau filem ini tak patut di ban and kenapa penonton diberi kebebasan tgk movie apa yg diorg nak...aku xsure la...tang mana yang bijak tu kan...sebab aku rasa penonton makin lama makin bangang...terutama sekali makbapak...
bayangkan bila ko masuk kelas,bila ko tanye apa cita-cita murid ko,dia jawab mat rempit...tiba2 aku rasa nak lempang makbapak budak tu,nak lempang stesyen tv,nak lempang produser yang buat filem...lu pikir la sendri kenapa budak2 boleh pk jd mat rempit sgt cool berbanding jd doktor...berapa kerat filem kt negara malaysia yg berkisar pasal pekerjaan yg bagus2...kat negara barat..citer pasal lawyer,beribu lemon diterbitkan,citer pasal doktor..dari ER ke house..mcm2 style ade, citer pasal cikgu ade,cerita pasal polis,pasal tentera...
Tapi kat Malaysia..apa ada???...bila pak cik Yusuf Haslam buat cerita Gerak Khas,bukan nak support...kutuk lebih adalah...sekurang2nya,pak cik yusuf ada nilai moral yg tinggi untuk memartabatkan profesyen polis.Produser Malaysia xhabis2 buat cerita pasal cinta,angker or realiti hidup la kononnye...tp knowledge input zero...asik2 mesti ada scene samseng...scene tembak2...scene org jahat,scene berebut awek/balak,scene tunjuk bagus,scene cintan cintun,scene emo nangis lebey2,scene berkemban2,and many more...malas nak cakap...xakan abis....so tang mana yang boleh membuatkan penonton jadi bijak tuh,aku pun xtau la...skang nih lak...dh ade production yang buat citer yg menghina sifat fizikal org...bila budak2 kutuk kawan2 diorg jongang ke juling ke kat sekolah..sampai melalak2 kawan tu..aku nak sepak mulut sape pulak?nak salahkan sape?kalau xde demand...bende2 mengarut mcm tuh xkan disiarkan.tlg la jgn compare dgn forrest gump ke ,I am sam ke...dari title pun dah lain...org putih xpyh letak forrest lembam ke, sam syndrom down ke...but cerita touching...xde scene nangis lebey2 pun....muka sean penn dgn tom hank punye la emotionless...pun bley menang award.so pk la kat mane salahnye...sebab klu tanye produser,diorg musti akan bg jawapan...itu semua permintaan penonton...klu x diorg xterbitkan cerita2 macam tu.
Insiden2 mcm ni mengingat kan aku tentang pengalaman aku sendri.....masa aku tengok movie Sweeney Todd..12am in the morning (midnight)ade mak bapak bangang bawak anak diorg which still at the toddler age 2-3 years old,g tgk citer tu...everyone who knows about sweeney todd sume tau citer tu punye sadis,gore and scary..and it is beyond rationale thinking utk bwk budak kecik tgk citer tu..tambah2 waktu midnight tuh bukan waktu diorg tido ke?bayangkan kena dgr budak tu merengek2 nak tido dekat mak bapak die yg bangang.korang rase seronok ke?..and it's not the first time it happened...last time mase aku tengok wolfman..pukul 9 malam...waktu weekday...ari selasa...ada lagi sepasang mak bapak bangang bawak toddler...2 or 3 years old gak gi tgk movie tu...sedangkan terang2 movie tu 18sg....n dh tengah malam buta...halooo...kalau ye pun nak tgk movie...beli dvd tgk kt umah boleh x?bayangkan budak2 yg dh besar pun takut nak g toilet mlm2 pas tgk cerita seram...ini budak kecik...xterpikir ke kesan psycology kat budak tu...dan penonton2 lain yang terpaksa dgr anak ko meraung2.
so aku rase,sape yg nk mempertahankan yg penonton sudah jd lebih bijak...kena g buat research betul2 la...ade banyak lg nak point out sebenarnye...tp cukupla sampai kat sini aku membebel...sebab kalau tambah lagi...nnt ade lak org yg panas ati...hmmm...bak kata Nabil...lu pk la sendri....sekurang2nya encik Nabil itu jujur bgtau yg filem lakonan dia sendri xbagus....but business is business...dats why diorg panggil bidang perfileman neh....industri perfileman bukan seni perfileman...but since korg yg bg duit beli tiket nk tgk cerita diorg...boleh x jd lagi bijak sikit bila memilih cerita apa yang korang nak tonton tu...and then mak bapak kt rumah tu,tlg la pilih cerita yg semenggah nak bg anak tgk...aku rase baik korang buang duit g apply channel disney ke,nickelodeon ke...dari korang tgk astro ria dgn prima tuh...xabis2 citer ngarut2....dalam 100 cerita...10 je yg ada kelainan...yang lain....hmmm....xtau nak cakap ape....

10 minit bersama mak cik Bedah...

lokasi:kat kenduri kawin jiran aku.
Mak cik bedah: sedapnye bau minyak wangi kamu nih...berkenan lak mak cik...one drop perfume ke??? yg mane satu rase2nye??teringin mak cik nak beli???
aku:oh...ni bukan one drop perfume punye mak cik....ni beckham...
mak cik bedah:beckham tu ape ???(aku dah perasan mamat dpn aku macam tersedak2 sket)
aku:beckham tu pemain bola...
mak cik bedah:omputih ke?
aku:a'ah orang england...
mak cik bedah:pemain bola sepak pun buat minyak wangi...tapi kenape die wat minyak wangi pompuan?
aku:laki pun ade juge mak cik...ikut la nak beli yang mane...
mak cik bedah:berape ringgit??
aku:35 ml baru seratus lebih...
mak cik bedah:hissshh...mahal la...xpe la...mak cik gune one drop perfume je la...
aku: (senyum je...aku memang dah expect outcome mcm nih...)

it's moo moo here, moo moo there...here a moo, there a moo..everywhere moo moo...

based on the statistic,four out of five "real" relationship that i had (real means it's mutual n not one sided or unrequited) are actually with Taurian...they fit the pattern and possess the criteria that always attract me and killing me at the same time...there are times that i can't help but feel cursed.
I always tell myself and people around me that i don't believe in love at the first sight...and i'm still not buying it now...but attraction does work at the first sight...and when attraction strikes, either you take a step back or you going further. And if you are going further,before you know it,you are trapped..and you can say goodbye to the exit door because the only way you can get out is through the sewage that full of shit...
All ends well in those four relationship,no bruises...only swollen eyes for couple of days, wounded pride, be it my side or theirs, still hangs out like old buddy,still knowing and understand each other more than anyone else,nothing's change except for the lovey dovey part.And the question that's been circling in my mind...if the symptom is so crystal clear and you knew that it would come to this,why you still take the chance?
I know i'm stupid,i should have learnt something when i screwed things up. But Taurian indeed are lovely creatures, they don't talk much, easy to please,workaholic,crazy about money and most of all, not domineering. i feel a sense of comfort and in control because i know they are not the type who fuss over things.And although I know perfectly well that this package also comes along with a time bomb that could explode any time...i practically turn a blind eye....because t's hard to resist them, it just like a having a Baskin and Robbins ice cream with your favorite flavour, it's fattening and could kill you but you insist on having it because it makes you feel good now and regret it later.
Someone should create a horoscop detector, so people like me can stop screwing up. I indeed have a relationship with the scorpion, the crazy bastard with inferiority complex who believes that by cursing right there and then earned him some respect and love...and i really pissed off with him until now.See...i hate him and I don't ever wish to see him again...ever...but not the other four...i have no reason to hate them and therefore i hate myself for my inability to hate the person who break my heart.I have lots of Taurian male friend,And they are so captivating, so gentle and so pleasant to be around.They are the type who i could spend the rest of my life without having to add in the flair of love into the picture. I always believe that they would be a good dad.So why can't things work out between me and the Taurian.
You know what piss me the most? it is when i thought i'm attracted to someone, and decided i could go far with this person...and dreaded asking the question because knowing fully well that he is a Taurian which is so far..100% accurate.and i just grit my teeth after know the fact and start gambling that the coin would actually flipped on the other side this time...it irritates me in every possible way it could...
In the nutshell, i think i have a Taurian curse...so the next time i'm into someone..and if it's turn out he's the bull...i just run and hide...out of his sight as quickly as i can...for thy are terrified with the bull monster more than anything else one of these days...though it might sound like an attempt to evade the real problem which is ME by blaming the horoscope thingy...i still believe i am cursed...

Kem motivasi from the corner of my mind...

aku dari kecik sampai besar menyampah sungguh nak gi kem-kem yang membina motivasi dan jati diri ni. Sebabnye ada beberapa slot yang aku tak suka buat dan bila kena buat,aku buat nak tak nak kena marah-marah dengan fasilitator...dah la aku kene bayar pergi kem tu pastu kena marah lagi...sengal.
Tadi sekolah aku buat la kem motivasi untuk student darjah 6. dan bila sampai acara muhasabah diri ataupun dengan kata lain acara bersyahduan,menangis sampai nak keluar biji mata...aku mulalah menyampah.kalau bukan sebab aku guru darjah 6,aku memang nak cabut je.so terpaksa la aku tengok drama air mata berjurai-jurai.Jangan salah sangka aku ni keras hati,aku pun nangis juga.tapi tangisan aku bukan untuk public.Damn...aku paling tak suka,bila fasilitator dah cakap ayat-ayat sedih tahap bersamamu,pastu bila die tengok ade budak xsedey...die gi kat budak tu pastu saiko-saiko kat dia,and then bila berjaya buat budak tuh nangis...akutengok macam fasilitator tu dapat kepuasan pulak.Aku tau aku saiko sebab berpendapat macam ni,tapi mungkin fasilitator tu rasa dia gagal kalau tak berjaya buat budak menangis.Aku ingat masa darjah 6 dulu,bila aku xnangis,selambe je cikgu aku cakap aku keras kepala.What shit? Tahu tak lagi susah nak tahan menangis dari nak tahan ketawa.Salah ke kalau aku tak nangis.Aku tak nangis sebab apa yang fasilitator tu cakap adalah skrip yang dah terancang and apa yang dia cakap tu pulak sebenarnya conscience kita,memang dah terpendam dalam kepala otak and memang hari-hari kena buat.Kena hormat orang tua,kna hargai jasa mereka,kena belajar bersungguh-sungguh.Jadi orang berguna...bagi aku sangat cliche kot.Bukan time tu je kena nangis....hari2 kot....
Dulu everyday bila sampai slot tuh...aku sentiasa bayangkan aku kena culik pastu duduk dalam bilik gelap and then kena torture psychologically sampai aku break down....macam citer2 spy dgn citer2 mafia kat dalam TV tuh...mase nak gather info kan selalu bagi ayat2 saiko...macam "u tak sayang family you ke? kalau you mati nanti,macam mana hidup diorang? your mom only has one son...you want to see hem hurt...and then bile ko dah break down...dah fall apart...ko vomit semua info...and ko tetap kena bunuh....macam fasilitator kem motivasi yang dibayar untuk kendalikan slot ni...dia bagi ko saiko sampai ko break down,nangis-nangis and mengaku semua kesalahan ko but in the end....dia tetap ambil duit ko for the mental torture fee.Hmmm...aku rase seelok-eloknya nak muhasabah diri adalah dengan bersendirian,antara ko dengan tuhan...bukannye public display...coz time ni ramai orang yang end up bukan ade kesedaran pun lagi banyak faker adalah..dah semua orang nangis...nangis je la sekali...kang kalau tak nangis kang orang pandang slack....abis kena kutuk....
Lagi satu,aku paling xsuka kena paksa2 time pergi kem,aku tahu tujuan kem nih untuk menguatkan disiplin...aku akur,tapi agak-agak jenis kem itu pun...masa aku kem time SPM dulu kat MRSM...it's one of the best experience i had...aku ingat lagi kitorang kena divide into teams and kena campak dalam hutan during midnight and cari jalan balik sendri ke kem...kat situ ade team work,ada leardership and ada startegy...so aku sangat excited kot.and then aku nak compare dengan slot masa aku wat untuk pendidikan luar kat university dulu,diorang bangunkan budak malam2 buta,pastu blindfoldkan mata,pegang tali,bawak gi mana2 tah...and then drop us out of nowhere,xbagi bukak mata...and expect us to stay there until they pick us up...aku pun xtau ape objective activity tu sebenarnye...diorang kata for survival la,nak overcome fear la...what everla...tapi the way i look at it....klu ye pun nak merasa perasaan orang buta...kenapa campak aku entah mana2 pastu suro tunggu kat situ macam orang bodo...and then ade pulak orang main2 baling pasir...tarik cuping telinga,usik2...huuuuu...sengal...aku igt lagi betapa annoyednye aku time tu sampai aku bantai tido...sewius shit aku tido....balik kem aku kena maki pasal tido...diorg siap rakam gambar aku tido dengan nyenyak sekali di dalam hutan mane entah....tp yg aku xbley blah tu...aku igt lagi ade budak sebelah aku...tak tau la sape...sebab time tu mate kene ikat....berlari g cari toilet...xtahan nak buang air...gile klaka...
bagi aku yang bukan fasi nih...kadang2 aku rase diorg nih byk songeh...nak tunjuk garang tak bertempat...treat orang macam orang bodo....diorang tak tau ke respect cannot be earned by fear and forced discipline to akan menyebabkan ramai orang jadi psychopath....
However...tak semua pasal kem motivasi aku tak suka...cuma aku agak memilih aktiviti...itu je...aku suka aktivity yang melibatkan unity and team work....treasure hunt ke,rafting ke,compass management ke,LDK ke,anything yang involving team building and trust....untuk orang yang ade trust issue macam aku nih (well,my trust issue is really complex,that's why i rather learn things on my own dari suro orang ajar...pasal tu la aku xreti2 berenang sampai sekarang...aku igt lagi mase kecik bapak aku konon nak ajar aku berenang...sekali die benam aku dalam air.....gile aku fobia....aku dah xpercaye die dah....pastu kalau die ajak aku berenang,aku cabut lari...and then ada 2nd occasion,aku tengah main sungai and tiba-tiba tergelincir dalam air...aku practically drowning kot...and then punyala ramai orang keliling aku...sorang pun xsedar aku dah lemas....terkial-kial la tangan aku menggapai batu2 yang ada in oder to resurface...and luckily aku masih hidup....and from that moment on aku sedar...i can only rely on myself to live....n that incident left a big impact in my life....so bila orang kate kat aku,not to worry or not to fret or whatever...jgn harap aku nak percaya...that's why...aku suka wat keje aku sendri.Tak rely dekat orang lain...and that's why i keep my eyes close kalau group mate aku buat taik pasal assignment...aku dah prepare kot...aku tau mesti akan ada hal punya...so selalunye aku akan buat back up or trying to take control....in other word....gila kuasa juga la...some people might call in reliability...but for me...I simply saving my own ass...so aku tk kisah klu ppl take advantage on me...sebab aku buat semua tu untuk kepentingan aku...n then when my problem solved....astalavista bebeh...(seperti biase...aku melalut)...so balik ke cerita sebenar...aktiviti yg involved trust building nih agak menolong aku overcome trust issue aku...so aku kurang jugela paranoid dgn orang lain...n then mase ni la kita bley tau true colour seseorang...yang selfish ke,yg stuck up ke,yg chicken ke...yang cakap besar ke...it's so freaking funny kot....semua tu nampak live....aku pernah tengok budak...berlagak macam hero...sekali pas flying fox muntah....duhhhh...hilang macho....ada tu pompuan gedik2 nangis kena gigit nyamuk....xselesa tido dalam khemah...aku gigit kang baru tau...balik rumah la weh....huhuhu...aku tak taula time kem motivasi aku biasenye jatuh dalam kategori mana...sebab aku adalah orang yang sgt bergantung kepada mood...time aku nak buat sesuatu memang aku buat...tapi kalau aku tak nak...ko buatla ape pun....unmoved....begitu stuck up nye aku....but overall...kem motivasi nih bagus sebenarnye...cuma kena buang slot2 yang merepek....malam yg shahdu2 tu xpayah buat la...itu buat time Qiamulail ke..time solat sunat ke...pastu aktiviti jgn bagi yang merepek2 and elakkan jangan tunjuk kuasa lebih2....budak2 tuh pegi kem bayar....bukannye free...mane bley selambe2 nak tengking diorang...

abistu...nak aku buat ape lagi????

cuti tahun baru cina nih baru ingat nak rilek kan kepale otak...tapi makin serabut pulak....semua asik tanye soalan yg same...panas dah telinge aku mendengar...
mase aku gi rumah sepupu aku..ziarah dia bersalin anak kedua...makcik aku dok membebel kat aku..."ima dah dua anak...ko bile lagi...muda ima lagi dari ko" yang aku hangin tu...laki sepupu aku tuh pun same bancuh aku...selambe je cakap.."25 tahun tuh dah kira umur expired date anak dara,baik ko kawin cepat2"...fuh..kalau mamat tuh salah seorang kawan aku...memang dia dah makan tapak kaki aku dah...huuuu...sengal...
mak aku dok bising kat aku...jgn memilih sgt la,nak yg ensem la, itu la,ini la...hmmm...ensem sangat ke en.Naz itu....ish ish...jahat sungguh aku ini...aku sudah explain sama mak aku...aku tak memilih pun..dah tak sampai jodoh lagi..aku nak buat macam mana.kalau aku suruh en.Naz meminang aku,dia nak bagi aku makan ape...budak tu baru nak mula hidup...anak sulung pulak tu,nak tolong mak bapak dia lagi...mak aku dok cakap...kalau en.Naz tuh,makin tua makin ramai orang nak...klu aku nih...dah tua..sape yg nak...pakcik2 tua pun dah pandai demand nak yg bergetah....lu pikirla sendri...
ni pagi tadi,bapak aku lak bagi ceramah dia...merah telinga juge la aku menadah mendengar kata2 pujangga di pagi2 hari....bapak aku ni pun satu...dulu dok bising xbg aku gatal nak kawin awal...siap tetapkan selagi xamik master,umur belum cukup 30,jgn gedik nk kawin...tp skang,peer pressure punye pasal...aku pulak dibantai balik....
pathetic sgt ke klu aku nih masih bujang...klu iye pun aku ready nk kawin...tp klu xde org yg ready nk kawin dgn aku pun,xgune juge....aku xdela sedesperate tu lagi...tp org2 di sekeliling aku membuat aku exasperated....sangat serabut ma...lepas abis blaja nih,aku asik nak melenting je...aku tension...badan aku pun mcm bdn doremon cume aku lagi comel la...dengan makcik2 asik tanye bile kenduri...nk merase makan nasi minyak....aku malas la nak dengar....bile aku kate "lantak pi la"..mak aku pulak bantai aku balik...cakap aku berlagak...nnt jd anak dara tua la,itu la ini la...abis tu nak aku buat ape????
awat kakak aku dulu orang xbising2...rilek je die....asal time aku orang beria2 memberi pendapat....
diorg igt aku xsakit jiwa ke???nak aku wat camne lagi baru mulut nak senyap...aku dah xlarat la..bukan aku pun yang tentukan jodoh...walaupun aku sayang en.Naz..tp klu tuhan kate jodoh aku bukan dgn die...xkan aku nak paksa dia juga...salah aku ke sebab suka org yg mcm budak2...wuuuu...mane ade org tengok kriteria stabil,berkerjaya,bijak pandai,berharta mase die fall in love...itu semua lepas dah bertahun2 baru amik port...
mak aku kate aku mcm budak2...buat benda xpikir panjang....aku xtau nak pikir panjang macam mane lagi...aku tanye gak kawan2 aku,laki camne yg diorg nak kawin....bagi punye la banyak kriteria canggih manggih...but in the end they settle for less for the sake of love...ko nak yg kacak bergaye zaman sekarang...ko dpt gay...ko nak yg romantik ko dapat laki org,nak yg kaya...hmmm confirm2 la hodoh...kalau xhodoh pun...sex maniac....amboi amboi amboi...sesedap rase je mulut aku ni...tp mane ade bende yg perfect dlm dunia nih...
pernah juge le aku rase swayed dan meluahkan ketidaksedapan hati aku pada masa depan kepada en.Naz...n aku tau die rase uncomfortable...mesti dia rase helpless gila....sebab dia xboleh buat ape2...ni bukan filem or drama...cakap i luv u,u luv me...trus bley kawin....n then aku anak dara org..makbapak jaga elok...bukan bley kawin cincai2 je....nak kene bunuh dgn makbapak aku berani la buat...aku nak la kawin dgn meriah...lagipun aku bukannye sangap nak kawin sgt sampai kene buat cincai2....asal kawin...janji dapat(paham2 la ye)..
aku teringin juga nak tanya mak aku,kriteria lelaki stabil,berkerjaya,hensem,kaya dan berpendidikan tinggi tu nak ke dekat aku....bukan sebab aku mengalamii masalah inferiority complex...tapi aku mahu menjadi seorg realist...aku bukan artis or anak datuk atau tan sri nak demand2 yg over the top,lgpun pride aku xmembenarkan aku berada di kedudukan lebih rendah dari seorg lelaki yg bakal jd laki aku...alo,aku dahla pendek...perangai cam haram...ko nak aku sopan2,gedik2,ala2 perempuan melayu terakhir semata2 nak tangkap the ultimate bachelor jd laki aku....xsmpi seminggu...habis pekung di dada terbuka...sah2 die carik lain juga...xsame taraf...
aku just nk rase fall helplessly in love wit someone n dia pun rase macam tu kat aku...n then dia bley terima aku seadanya,aku korek idung ke,datang sawan ke,aku gemok ke,die xkisah....kan bagus macam tuh...so aku xyah waste my time being the faker sebab nk ngorat lelaki buat laki.....bak lagu black eye peas...what u see is what u get....senang...xpyh byk keje....
tp mak aku bukan paham pun....hmm...malasla aku nak explain mende2 trivial kat dia...buat gaduh je...aku tau die mesti nk yg terbaik buat aku....tp yg terbaik belum tentu buat aku bahagia...
makcik aku kate jgn tunggu org,biar org tunggu kita...hahahaha...heavennye kalau ade org tunggu aku...aku nih bukan nye disney princess yg akan dipikat prince charming on the white horse..salah ke klu aku jd realistik...salahke kalau aku xkawin awal,salahke kalau aku tunggu beberapa tahun utk kebahagiaan aku...i want to be with the one..the only one until my last breath...tp klu at this moment benda tu not achievable..xkanla aku kena sambar je mane2 mamat jd laki aku...utk tutup mulut org...
seriusla..klu mende ni keep on going like this..aku mebi akan kene high blood pressure or jadi parasite single...xkuar rumah,xkeje....duk berkurung je dlm bilik...menyusahkan mak bapak aku sampai tua...jd antis sosial tahap gaban....aku dah mati akal dah...kadang2 aku rasa mcm aku dah buat salah pulak sebab xberjaya tangkap ultimate bachelor n kawin cpt2....kegagalan aku ini membuatkan aku sgt hampeh di mata masyarakat rupa2nya....

pissed off...

ade member aku tanye...asal aku lame xonline kt Fb,pas main game aku blah....to tell the truth aku menyampah dah nak online...coz sejak akhir2 nih aku nye home page dipenuhi dgn kata-kata negatif...sampai aku xdpt menahan dari menyumpah seranah..
aku nih pun risau gak pasal KISSM dgn BTN xbuat lg...but bile aku dgr ade kwn2 yg dh dpt g interview SPP,i'm happy for them..tp ade gak yg bising...macam bagus sgt sampai nak kutuk2 kementerian xconsiderate buat interview time Tahun Baru China,kalau yg chinese tu aku bley paham la..ini yg melayu pun duk merengek2...rase nak tampar pun ade...orang dah panggil tuh pegi je la..ko ingat ko sorang je ke cikgu kat malaysia nihb sampai kementerian kene menyembah ko..berape byk gaji ko byr interviewer tuh...nih la jenis org yg xtau bersyukur.Setakat xdpt balik rumah jgn bising la wes..aku yg dpt batu pahat pun dh lame xbalik KL.macam dpt ceruk hulu sgt.dgn gaji yg ade tuh,yg confirm2 lebey dari aku yg dpt batu pahat nih...xpyh byk bunyik..mcm la hidup melarat...klu sekarang xbelajar berdikari,bile lagi nak belajar.ingat aku duduk batu pahat nih hidup senang ke,dah la duduk sorang2.ape2 jd kt aku pun bukan org tau.survive sendri.xde member sebaye kt skola,xkenal sape2 kt kg Senggarang nih.kene buli kat sekolah,kene buat tu buat nih...xde pun nak bising2...grow up la...mane ade bende yg satisfactory dlm dunia nih.korang ingat aku bley idup ke kat sini,tgk dari lifestyle aku,nk kene adapt dgn suasana kampung.aku dari kecik duk KL kot.bukan budak johor,pahang,terengganu,perak or melaka.dari kecik dah lepak KLCC,KL Plaza(sampai tower record dah pindah KLCC,makan ice cream mc D dpn Sungai Wang..g try tester kt LOT 10.g konsert,g gig...dari time the moffats tgh hot dulu,time no doubt turun Malaysia..that's my event,that's my scene...,dgn perbezaan budaya yg ketara...aku sendiri rase terkongkong kat sini.but 4 the sake of adapting,sebab sedar diri aku nih siape,i live in community,in organisation,yang aku dh pledge akan berkhidmat sebaik mungkin,aku tundukkan kepala menghadap benda2 yg aku xfamiliar,yang aku sendri xbley terima,dgn harapan one day things will change...n believe it is for the best.
aku boring la dgn cikgu2 nih,igt jadi cikgu nih keje welfare ke.klu ambik medic,xde keje.xde lak dirog menyalak kat kerajaan,klu amik engineering ke,lawyer ke,xdpt keje..xde lak comdemn kerajaan..tp klu jd cikgu..xde keje je bising nak mampus...aku paling xsetuju sistem KPLI...konon nk memartabatkan perguruan..but then when that unemployed graduates suck at their pointer and no one will employ them...ko campak masuk KPLI suro jd cikgu...if it was that easy to become a teacher...tell me why shoudl i waste my six years of youth to study in the uni and working my ass to the bone to get the honor just to be treated in equal footing with those KPLI....yg in the first place,hv no intention of becoming a teacher except for the fact,xde keje...or sebab dah kawin,laki suro berenti keje,jadi cikgu so ade mase jage anak kat rumah....so damn f**** irrelevance....pastu bile suro pegi pedalaman...banyak bunyi lak...pk sendri la nape ko xdpt keje...igt kementerian tu bapak ko punye...
aku pun xsuke dgn sistem kerajaan,tapi xde la sampai semua bende aku nk comdemn...klu perangai cikgu2 sendri mcm bitch....pk la,camne ko nak ubah kerajaan yg sedia ada nih....rome wasn't built in a day...n jd cikgu bukan mcm makan ais cream...klu xnk susah... carik keje lain la....xyah bising2 merungut itu ini...menyakitkan mate aku nk bace bende2 camtu...grow up babies...mmg aku xbagus but at least i'm not whining at almost everything...

loneliness can drives you to the wall....

During my teenage years...i had this day dreaming habit....i tend to get lost in my own thought when i was left alone...i had this English teacher who would scream her lungs out at me every time i got distracted in her class...i didn't feel angry at her though..i just didn't bother...so apathetic...
Some people said that I think too much,i think of unnecessary things,getting worried over nothing..and worse of all,i started getting head ache from all this thinking..people asked me...what is it that's in my head.to tell the truth.I don't remember much,but i do feel that the feeling of insecurity bitting me little by little..as a teenager,i feel more bitter than happy... every time i try to remember...i only feel bitter....the messed up infatuation, the lost self-esteem,the worst way of doing things, the hateful environment...yup...i really did feel bitter...somehow,the feeling of love didn't reach me...
I did not remember much about what i did back then...but the only thing i remember the most,the only thing that's vivid was my dream...i call it dream not because it is achievable but it sounds a lot more logical than fantasy.I dream of a neatly mowed hilly green grass field,three boys,the asphalt road,the big tree with lots of branches,a red convertible,the blue sky, the wind,and the golden ray from the sun....i could hear the sound of laughter,the smell of the grass brought by the breeze,the image of one of the boy swaying his body upside down the branch,i could see they race each other along the road only to be stopped by a deep ravine at the end of the road...there is an ocean...big wide blue ocean....and the sparrows fly freely in the sky...the boys started shouting,they shout the loudest as if competing against each other...the louder they shout the more birds fly towards the sky as if to run away from the noise that perturbing them....and then the boys broke down to tears,cried like there's no more tomorrow...and i would cry...
Does it sound disturbing to you guys?? ha ha,i never quite make it until now the significance of my dream...i don't get it why they doing things they did...it's all in my head time and time and again...i didn't even know why i came out with such dream in my mind...and i feel frustrated until now because no matter how hard i try to focus...i still can't see those boys faces and it's killing me....the mystery remain unsolved....
And you know that there are some people who has felt sensation of nostalgic moment occurred to them incidentally or coincidentally when they smell or hear or see something that reminded them of the past.sort of like a deja-vu...when u feel the sense of familiarity and try to make something out of it but couldn't...you know it happened to you before...and you tried hard to try to remember the moment...but all you could get is the feeling...
i often had that kind of sensation during the last drop of rainfall....when i was a teenager,my favorite moment was when i walked along the pathway near my school field...while i proceeded with my step a little at a time and my hand caressing along the fence, i can feel the cold breeze blowing himself upon me,blanketing me with icy feeling,it shivered me to my spine,then i inhaled the freshly cleaned air....and wishful thinking that time would stop..i wanted to stay like this forever...
sometimes,in a spur of the moment...those recollection comes to me in a totally different surrounding.every time it occurs,i always try to figure out..why do i feel that way...and it always succeeded in making me crave to go back there though i know...even if i walk along the path million times in the present,i won't get the feeling anymore....but i really missing it...though i don't want to go back,deep in my heart i always wish to reliving it again one more that,i don't want the whole part...just one tiny little part....the crucial part on that very one day...because every time the feeling comes to me,all i remember is my failure of that particular day....the stupidest action take by immature girl who tried to act mature..that particular day that change everything....

berborak dengan guru besar..

Aku memulakan tugas sebagai setiausaha bilik guru dengan menampal jadual2 kelas dan guru2 di bilik guru.Selepas itu,aku ditugaskan oleh tuan pengerusi membuat memo makluman kutipan derma terhadap semua guru di sekolah aku.Sedang aku mencari guru besar untuk meminta tandatangan pada surat derma ikhlas pembinaan masjid di Padang itu,aku jumpa dia tengah layan blues dekat sebuah kelas darjah 6 yg kosong.so aku pun ketuk pintu,dan die pun suro masuk.
rite on time die nak sign je,tetibe ade incoming call..chiss kacau daun...die pun pot pet pot pet dekat setengah jam la juge...guru besar aku klu borak memang lama..klu time meeting selalu abis lambat pasal die asik bercakap.aku confirm kebuluran tiap kali pas abis meeting.bile die hang up je.die check2 akunyer memo tuh,pastu sign...n then die suro aku duduk jap.die ade hal nak cakap dgn aku sket katenye...jeng jeng jeng...aku dh cuak dah...aku igt die nak sound aku psl asik dtg lmbt walaupun die lebih lambat dari aku...rupe2nye die nak tanye aku ade ape2 masalah ke sepanjang kerja kat sini.
aku kate kat die...biase je. adat la org baru kerja. Pastu guru besar kate,cikgu2 lain ade buli aku ke,kalau xtahan bgtau die..aku pun xmaule nak jd tukang ngadu...so aku kate semua pun ok.die tanye lg,boleh sesuaikan diri duduk kampung?yup aku memang org bandar,n xpernah duk kampung..so memang la takes time nk adapt...tp so far so good.tetibe die kate, die respect kat aku.coz sejak dari mula sampai sekolah tu until now,aku xpernah sekali pun merengek kat die mintak tukar balik KL.n then mase mula2 dtg sini pun,aku adjust life aku dgn cepat.xrely dekat org utk cari rumah,buat hal aku sendri n xmengharapkan orang...masuk belia lagi...kire walaupun aku orang bandar,n lifestyle aku lain gila dari penduduk kt sini..aku masih bley bawak diri..n then bley lak sewa rumah tinggal sorang2..kira untuk orang2 kampung,budak perempuan yang tinggal seorang nih macam sesuatu yg sgt berani...hins hins hins...idung aku kembang...
aku kate la kat die...kalau ikut hati memang aku xberape ok...but i'm in strangers land kot...xyah nk g sabah or sarawak...culture tempat nih dgn kl sgt lain kot...bayangkan aku yg muke snob gile ni..yg kerek tahap gaban nih...yg spoilt rotten sume bende mak aku buatkan dari A sampai Z nih.sekarang kene sengih non stop depan mak cik2 kat sini supaya dapat diterima...sgt faker kot....tuh belum masuk bab kena buli lagi.belum lagi bab kene usik dgn pakcik2 lagi,kena jelingan tajam isteri2 mereka pula.Tuh belum masuk bab mentaliti.cara hidup aku,social circle aku...sgt lain kot...kat sini aku sangap gile nak tgk lelaki muda....dpt tua sikit 2 tahun ke 3 tahun ke pun dah kira ok.ini tidak, sume pun laki org...kat sekolah aku xdak laki bujang langsung...mau nye aku xmereng...asik kene mengadap muke pakcik2 tue nih hari2...cikgu pompuan pun mostly dah kawin...kalau yg xkawin lagi tuh...umur dh lanjut juge...so level of thinking dh xserupa...ade yg dekat2 umur,asik cite pasal barang kemas,gelang kristal,tudung,keronsang,baju kerawang,baju sulam....duhhhhhhh....lemah...tapi dah namenye kerja...redha la kan.
then, guru besar cakap.tadi kwn die, Mr X tepon,mintak tlg die cakapkan dkt YB Fuad Zarkasi (timb. menteri pendidikan merangkap ahli parlimen batu pahat) supaye cablekan anak die supaya dpt area senggarang juge.aku tanye anak mr X tu laki ke pompuan.dah kawen ke belom.amik course ape.GB jawab budak laki,xkawin ag,amik pismp.aku pun kate,budak tuh dpt mane??GB cakap dekat sarawak.Budak tuh pergi, xsampai 2 3 hari cabut balik johor.xtahan duk sane.Atas alasan,xde tempat sembahyang la,kat tempat tu banyak anjing la,kat sungai ade buaye la.and macam2 alasan yg typical.and then GB tanye pendapat aku,patut x die tlg budak nih...aku pun jwb...klu saye,saye xkan tolong...government spent more than RM70000 for each person untuk budak2 nih....RM70000 bukan sikit....so supposedly time nih diorng byr balik duit rakyat yg diorg gune utk belajar dulu.it's not the time to be babies.lagi2 budak lelaki,kalau susah macam tu pun xboleh nak hadapi,macam mana kalau masa depan nanti ada benda yg lagi berat dan teruk dari benda nih jadi.
Aku pun story la,kawan2 aku ramai yg dpt rural area...tp xde lg yg mati kebulur xmakan,kena baham dgn buaya or hidup melarat.budak2 nih pun bukan nye org yg hidup susah2 dulu.ade gak budak kl yg manje gile,tp masih boleh survive idup kt borneo sane.Macam aku sendri,sgt berharap dpt borneo.tp xde rezeki,dpt batu pahat.aku redha.so xadil la klu mak bapak budak tu sampai nak cable kan anak dia.Perbuatan cable tuh sendri dh salah sebab mengambil hak orang lain.kire zalim la tu.Guru besar pun angguk2 mendengar point aku.
Sambil2 tu,die pun sempat la buka cerita,nabi dulu berjihad nak sebarkan islam sampai sanggup pergi berdakwah kat Taif...dgn dicemuh,dihina,dibaling batu semua...tapi nabi tahankan...mengajar tu kan jihad...kalau nk berjihad pun ko nak yg senang...ape la maknanye jihad tu...fuhhh...bley tahan gak GB aku nih.....
aku cakap kat dia,td aku tgk tv,psl perjumpaan pelajar luar negara di UK dgn Timb perdana menteri.ada pelajar tanya,kenapa mcm ada double standard anta sekolah di semenanjung dgn sekolah di sabah sarawak.Tan sri Muhyiddin cakap, kerajaan dah buat yg terbaik.dah latih guru untuk berkhidmat dkt sabah n sarawak.but everytime hantar, ade je guru yg xpergi.kalau sorg dua xpe,ini beratus2...so salah kerajaan ke atau salah guru tu sendiri yg bermentaliti nak idup senang.benda ni cume jadi dikalangan guru sahaja bukan pada sektor2 awam lain seperti doktor,jururawat,polis,askar dan kastam..n being a teacher is lucky sebab, like it or not..since government dah byk bayar untuk kite,masih ada panggilan kedua untuk kita if kita dah reject the first posting...but starting this year, tadi guru besar dah cakap...pekeliling dah keluar,kalau guru tu xlapor diri dan xmahu berkhidmat di tempat dia ditugaskan...dia akan terus disenaraihitamkan dan diminta membayar balik biasiswa yg diberikan...dah xde panggilan kedua.
Ari tu pun Fuad Zarkasi pernah cakap, mase ada majlis kat sekolah aku.dia kate,sape2 yg mintak tlg dia untuk cable kan anak2 masuk SBP ke, pindahkan tempat posting ke....die xkan layan..aku xtau la betul ke x...biasele...politician...but hopefully die buat betul2 la...sebab cikguakan jadi yg dewasa,pendidik bangse...klu ko awal2 main tipu...lu pikir la sendiri...
Pas abis borak tuh,aku pun gerak la turun bawah.before aku blah,GB kate..."awak keje kat sini elok2,pas confirm je..kalau awak nak sambung belajar,nanti saya recommend..saya memang suka guru2 nak sambung belajar.kita nak buat sesuatu biar teratur..awak cari pengalaman dulu...kumpul duit dulu..lepas tu baru decide nak buat apa...baru semua lancar...kalau ade ape2 masalah jumpa saya.."aku pun cakap Ok dan blah...hmmm...to tell the truth,i'm going to stick here long enough because of the GB...die mcm life line utk future aku nnt...huhuhu...if that GB is willing to recommend u to further ur study...he is one hell of a good GB...