During my teenage years...i had this day dreaming habit....i tend to get lost in my own thought when i was left alone...i had this English teacher who would scream her lungs out at me every time i got distracted in her class...i didn't feel angry at her though..i just didn't bother...so apathetic...
Some people said that I think too much,i think of unnecessary things,getting worried over nothing..and worse of all,i started getting head ache from all this thinking..people asked me...what is it that's in my head.to tell the truth.I don't remember much,but i do feel that the feeling of insecurity bitting me little by little..as a teenager,i feel more bitter than happy... every time i try to remember...i only feel bitter....the messed up infatuation, the lost self-esteem,the worst way of doing things, the hateful environment...yup...i really did feel bitter...somehow,the feeling of love didn't reach me...
I did not remember much about what i did back then...but the only thing i remember the most,the only thing that's vivid was my dream...i call it dream not because it is achievable but it sounds a lot more logical than fantasy.I dream of a neatly mowed hilly green grass field,three boys,the asphalt road,the big tree with lots of branches,a red convertible,the blue sky, the wind,and the golden ray from the sun....i could hear the sound of laughter,the smell of the grass brought by the breeze,the image of one of the boy swaying his body upside down the branch,i could see they race each other along the road only to be stopped by a deep ravine at the end of the road...there is an ocean...big wide blue ocean....and the sparrows fly freely in the sky...the boys started shouting,they shout the loudest as if competing against each other...the louder they shout the more birds fly towards the sky as if to run away from the noise that perturbing them....and then the boys broke down to tears,cried like there's no more tomorrow...and i would cry...
Does it sound disturbing to you guys?? ha ha,i never quite make it until now the significance of my dream...i don't get it why they doing things they did...it's all in my head time and time and again...i didn't even know why i came out with such dream in my mind...and i feel frustrated until now because no matter how hard i try to focus...i still can't see those boys faces and it's killing me....the mystery remain unsolved....
And you know that there are some people who has felt sensation of nostalgic moment occurred to them incidentally or coincidentally when they smell or hear or see something that reminded them of the past.sort of like a deja-vu...when u feel the sense of familiarity and try to make something out of it but couldn't...you know it happened to you before...and you tried hard to try to remember the moment...but all you could get is the feeling...
i often had that kind of sensation during the last drop of rainfall....when i was a teenager,my favorite moment was when i walked along the pathway near my school field...while i proceeded with my step a little at a time and my hand caressing along the fence, i can feel the cold breeze blowing himself upon me,blanketing me with icy feeling,it shivered me to my spine,then i inhaled the freshly cleaned air....and wishful thinking that time would stop..i wanted to stay like this forever...
sometimes,in a spur of the moment...those recollection comes to me in a totally different surrounding.every time it occurs,i always try to figure out..why do i feel that way...and it always succeeded in making me crave to go back there though i know...even if i walk along the path million times in the present,i won't get the feeling anymore....but i really missing it...though i don't want to go back,deep in my heart i always wish to reliving it again one more that,i don't want the whole part...just one tiny little part....the crucial part on that very one day...because every time the feeling comes to me,all i remember is my failure of that particular day....the stupidest action take by immature girl who tried to act mature..that particular day that change everything....
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