virginity....

Tak berapa lama dulu,ade seorg kwn aku..miss A..dlm keadaan agak miserable...story kat aku yg dia kena belasah dgn bf dia...the reason coz bf dia find out dia dh xvirgin ag...aku pun nk pengsan mase dgr...but i keep it cool...benda dh jadi...klu aku marah miss A pun...tak guna dah...dan aku lg rase nak lempang jantan tuh lebih dari nak lempang Miss A sebab jantan tuh pukul pompuan.dasar jantan dayus...

Aku pun malas nak tanye banyak2 how her bf found out psl dia dh x dara...but i do think bf die pun 2x5 kot...xkn dia guna ahli nujum kot find out psl mende tuh....

Bercakap pasal virginity nih bukan boleh main lepas mulut je...coz aku neh pun pompuan...sekarang alhamdulillah aku masih mampu jaga perbuatan aku...but esok lusa...i don't know...mintak tuhan jaga aku dari semua tu...

since aku bukanlah orang yang layak berceramah menggunakan hadis dan firman...so aku akan stick to the logical thinking...yup..rite...chenta itu buta...but akal tu xbuta...at least we as a girl mesti tau ape yg kita nak...not ape yg bf kita nak...life kena ada expectation...coz it's not black n white...ari nih bf ko sayang ko...esok die bley campak ko mcm tuh je...selagi xdak ikatan yg mengesahkan dia memang 100% hak ko...dun take the risk...haloo....laki org pun bley curang kt bini die...apetah lg yg xkawin....the world is their playground and the girls are their bunnies...

bab give up virginity nih...aku ase memang terjadi kat pompuan semua golongan kot...xde label2 dah skang neh...yg pakai tudung pun bersepah2 xde dara...yg pakai tudung labuh pun begitu juga...so xbley cakap budak xpakai tudung or pakai seksi2 neh jahat...coz kita bukan tuhan nk judge org tuh jahat ke baik ke...

bagi aku ada 3 golongan pompuan yg dh xvirgin neh...golongan pertama ialah golongan yang xpernah ada bf...n kurang bergaul dgn budak laki mase pembesaran mereka...spend so much time alone and most of the time only having a real conversation with guys in the chatroom, so bila ada org show affection...diorg sgt naive smpi xbley differentiate passion with lust...especially if the guys spoilt them with love and barang mahal2....terhutang budi then tergadai body...biasenye pemangse mereka adalah lelaki yg dh kerja..normally laki org la...tp ade gak yg bujang...muka dari tahap sederhana ke hodoh...jarang laki ensem buat macam neh..sebab they can get better..xpayah nk beli brg mahal2 or blanje makan in order nak nampak baik n gain the girl's trust...n they dun hv to waste time chatting...they can just go the nearby club,grab mane2 awek hot,singgah convenience shop beli condom,buat projek..tido and esok pagi babai....

ade course mate aku kt U dulu,terjebak dgn mende neh...luckily after all the commotion (xyahla aku nk explain kat sini,tp 4 phase [caressing,copulating,conceiving n aborting] tuh dah abis redah kot) that guy jadikan gak dia 2nd wife...so moral of the story...baik bukak mata luas2...banyakkan pergaulan dgn budak laki so later bley differentiate laki tuh cap ape....xpe klu banyak pakwe pun...asal tau jaga diri...dari ade sorg pakwe...tp terbarai2....lagi jahanam macam tuh...

Golongan kedua pulak,adalah golongan kurang kasih sayang dan perhatian...dalam kes kawan aku yang Miss A ni,dia jatuh dalam kategori kedua. she lost both of her parents,xde tempat nk mengadu,xde org nak tegur n bimbing dia...or marah dia kalau buat silap...though she has many friends..it doesn't help...dh mmg nature kot kawan xmembantu dalam menguatkan prinsip dan keyakinan diri...friends can never replace parents...so be grateful ok...betape annoying pun parents korg membebel...you still have them...mane ko pegi...ade yg kt rumah tu yang risaukan kau....some of us are not dat lucky...due to that she try to find love, to reach out to someone to dote to....due to lack of self esteem...dia jadi seorang yang menurut..xde prinsip diri n diperkotak katikkan oleh lelaki....n being at the wrong place at the wrong time...whut more can u expect....after kena belasah...she still stay...sebab sayang...dem...when u hv no money,no parents,no job,no life,no prospect...nothing to look forward to...you akan jd bodo juga..coz at the moment u xbley buat ape2 pun...n hv to rely on other person even though he's a real jerk..with hope dat by giving up her virginity for him...by doing all the unreasonable stuff he told her can make him love her more....i really feel her for that...luckily sekarang dia dah move on n bangun balik and sudah ditch dat bastard....good for her...hope she will find a good man out there...

golongan yang ketiga neh...memang bohsia dah..jenis yg dah xkesah langsung dah pasal virginity2 neh...dh xbley cakap ape dah...bohsia xsemestinya bengap n xsekolah...yg sekolah tinggi pun bohsia juga...cuma cara lain2...yg bohsia low class neh...biasenye yg sudah sangap...xpandang rupa.xpandang harta..sape2 pun boleh...asal dapat...yg high class lak..normally klu dia mmg anak org kaya or elitis...diorg xkisah pasal harta...janji jantan tuh HOT....tp mana yg xkaya but still nak ber soSIAL tuh...kena la tgk yg poket tebal...muka xbley pandang dah..janji duit masyuk....

bagi aku..xsemua perempuan yg dah hilang virginity tuh jahat..or jalang....xdinafikan pompuan2 yg terlanjur tuh asalnya memang baik..but somewhere along the line...kena goda terus cair...tp ade gak yang memang carik pasal sendri...depends la...sebab klu lelaki xgatal...benda tuh xkan jadi...unfair la klu kita panggil perempuan yg xde dara tuh slut...sebab laki yg buat dia hilang dara tuh lagi teruk kot....sangat2 dayus..dah buat salah xnak tanggungjawab...sewius aku pandang hina laki mcm tuh...n then lagi nak buat aku tembak diorg dengan pistol...mase kawin,pandai pulak cari yg elok...nak yg anak dara...bertudung litup bagai...tolongla cermin muka sikit...nak zuriat elok konon..klu benih dia dh tak elok...spray la kt container kelas A pun....tetap xelok....hidup la ko dgn menghancurkan hidup org lain...jawabla dgn tuhan nanti...

Memang betul,cinta akan menjadikan kita kurang bijak....baru kenal sehari dah macam kenal setahun...aku pun kadang2 bila dgn bf...tipula xrase ape...aku bukan lesbian kot...tp alhamdulillah...buat mase nih...bf aku agak rasional lagi...coz dia pk..klu ape2 jd...klu terlajak...dia nak bagi aku mkn ape nnt....hm...aku xtau la tip nih berguna ke x kan...tp cubela praktikkan kalau boleh....lelaki dgn nafsu seks memang xboleh dipisahkan...but korang bley tahu laki tuh...betul2 sayang kt korang ke x dari cara diorg bagi explanation kt korang bile diorg nak buat projek...klu lelaki tuh dgn confident cakap yg dia akan kawin dgn ko,akan jaga ko elok2...n cakap kat ko jgn risau...yg dia akan bertanggungjawab....u better be alert ok....coz he's fake...aku sure punye...time die kate mende2 nih...die tengah sebok meraba dan meramas mana2 bahagian dgn tangan dia..or tgh imagine scene yg bukan2..ewwwww....the real man xkan cakap camtuh ok....lelaki yang baik xkan buat promise dlm keadaan horny....dun trust men when they are horny....never ever....lelaki yg sayang kat ko...dia akan doubt his own action..even die tengah horny time tu..dia biasenye akan stop n they wake up n feel nervous....coz die tau klu dia blew up...responsibility tuh sgt besar.....if the man loves you...ko seduce die bagai nak rak pun....walaupun die mmg mahu sgt2...dia xsanggup nk buat....so klu dpt bf mcm neh...pls stick to him ok...coz he's a gem...dun giv bullshit excuses yang that type of man dun exist...they exist..u just hv to open ur eyes n search 4 them...trial n error babe...i'm lucky coz that man is my bf...hopefully tuhan takdirkan jodoh aku dgn dia...n kekal sampai mati....

As a girl, jgn sesekali kita takut kita tak laku or xde sape nk kat kita....virginity neh satu2 harta yg perempuan xkira miskin or kaya ada.Virginity itu adalah pendinding kita.and macam mana aku jaga kehormatan aku.macam tu juga aku expect significant other aku tuh jage kehormatan dia...coz relationship is sacred...trust itu important element...so sebelum ko decide nk going further with someone...biase2kan diri tanya soalan maut..seperti...awak teruna lagi ke? awak gay ke x? kenapa awak nak kawan dgn saya...setakat nak berkenalan or nak buat bini?..lantakla ape pandangan laki tuh kat ko pas ko tanye soalan2 cam2....klu die nak benci ko ape ke? coz klu dia rase piss off...he doesn't deserve u....org yg ikhlas dan tidak ada apa2 yg hendak disembunyikan akan jawab dgn tenang dan rileks...die xkan menggelupur cepat....or terdiam tibe2....make sure ko tanye soalan tuh secara tiba2...so die xde masa nak mengarang jawapan kat ko...

Most of the girls yg aku kenal yg suda xvirgin...cabaran utama mereka adalah menahan diri daripada melakukan perbuatan terkutuk tuh...coz it's commonly known dat sex is the most pleasurable thing on earth....so klu nk refrain dari buat benda tuh sangat2 susah....coz ko dah pernah rasa...that's why ada girl yg dah xkisah pun dgn sape die buat asalkan dia dapat lepaskan .that's why for girls yg masih virgin n peringatan kat aku juga...keep ur virginity intact..so at least ko bley jaga diri ko dari jatuh ke tangan jantan2 yang macam haram....selagi ko virgin...klu ko horny pun ko masih bley jaga diri and berfikir dgn rasional....least chances ko nk terjebak dlm benda2 tak elok...so the rule is don't start....and do it with someone who truly loves you....not with just anybody...u are expensive unless u make urself cheap.....

lagu lame...lyn je...

unpretty

hmm...aku mahu sesuatu yg normal....

aku tau aku kurang kenormalan tapi aku juga berhak mendapat sesuatu yang normal dan sihat....lately dgn latihan2 cukup yang telah diberikan...aku rasa aku boleh menjadi perfect candidate utk jawatan mistress....dating yg secare sorok2,gayut tepun secara sorok2 sampai kene kuar rumah or menyorok bawah bantal....jumpa sebulan sekali,or dua bulan sekali...dah jd rutin....sedangkan significant other aku (n xbf2 aku yg dulu) masih bujang trang tang tang dan bukan laki2 orang...dulu dan kini....situasi masih xberubah....aku jd pening...biar org silih berganti...masalah tetap sama...kadang2 aku yg dok sorok...kadang2 mereka....aku sudah malas nak menyorok2...aku dah tua...aku dah letih...same letih bile kuar dating pastu tgk wyg,makan,tgk wayang,makan,tengok wyg,makan,karaoke,main bowling.....di tempat yg orang xkenal aku....wuuu....aku suda xmau main sorok2...tp aku juga xboleh buat apa2....tgn terikat....sedey...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....bila la akan dpt timing yg betul nih.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Penonton sekarang lebih bijak???betul ke???

ayat-ayat cliche nih selalu kedengaran dimana untuk justify kenapa filem itu atau filem ini tak patut di ban and kenapa penonton diberi kebebasan tgk movie apa yg diorg nak...aku xsure la...tang mana yang bijak tu kan...sebab aku rasa penonton makin lama makin bangang...terutama sekali makbapak...
bayangkan bila ko masuk kelas,bila ko tanye apa cita-cita murid ko,dia jawab mat rempit...tiba2 aku rasa nak lempang makbapak budak tu,nak lempang stesyen tv,nak lempang produser yang buat filem...lu pikir la sendri kenapa budak2 boleh pk jd mat rempit sgt cool berbanding jd doktor...berapa kerat filem kt negara malaysia yg berkisar pasal pekerjaan yg bagus2...kat negara barat..citer pasal lawyer,beribu lemon diterbitkan,citer pasal doktor..dari ER ke house..mcm2 style ade, citer pasal cikgu ade,cerita pasal polis,pasal tentera...
Tapi kat Malaysia..apa ada???...bila pak cik Yusuf Haslam buat cerita Gerak Khas,bukan nak support...kutuk lebih adalah...sekurang2nya,pak cik yusuf ada nilai moral yg tinggi untuk memartabatkan profesyen polis.Produser Malaysia xhabis2 buat cerita pasal cinta,angker or realiti hidup la kononnye...tp knowledge input zero...asik2 mesti ada scene samseng...scene tembak2...scene org jahat,scene berebut awek/balak,scene tunjuk bagus,scene cintan cintun,scene emo nangis lebey2,scene berkemban2,and many more...malas nak cakap...xakan abis....so tang mana yang boleh membuatkan penonton jadi bijak tuh,aku pun xtau la...skang nih lak...dh ade production yang buat citer yg menghina sifat fizikal org...bila budak2 kutuk kawan2 diorg jongang ke juling ke kat sekolah..sampai melalak2 kawan tu..aku nak sepak mulut sape pulak?nak salahkan sape?kalau xde demand...bende2 mengarut mcm tuh xkan disiarkan.tlg la jgn compare dgn forrest gump ke ,I am sam ke...dari title pun dah lain...org putih xpyh letak forrest lembam ke, sam syndrom down ke...but cerita touching...xde scene nangis lebey2 pun....muka sean penn dgn tom hank punye la emotionless...pun bley menang award.so pk la kat mane salahnye...sebab klu tanye produser,diorg musti akan bg jawapan...itu semua permintaan penonton...klu x diorg xterbitkan cerita2 macam tu.
Insiden2 mcm ni mengingat kan aku tentang pengalaman aku sendri.....masa aku tengok movie Sweeney Todd..12am in the morning (midnight)ade mak bapak bangang bawak anak diorg which still at the toddler age 2-3 years old,g tgk citer tu...everyone who knows about sweeney todd sume tau citer tu punye sadis,gore and scary..and it is beyond rationale thinking utk bwk budak kecik tgk citer tu..tambah2 waktu midnight tuh bukan waktu diorg tido ke?bayangkan kena dgr budak tu merengek2 nak tido dekat mak bapak die yg bangang.korang rase seronok ke?..and it's not the first time it happened...last time mase aku tengok wolfman..pukul 9 malam...waktu weekday...ari selasa...ada lagi sepasang mak bapak bangang bawak toddler...2 or 3 years old gak gi tgk movie tu...sedangkan terang2 movie tu 18sg....n dh tengah malam buta...halooo...kalau ye pun nak tgk movie...beli dvd tgk kt umah boleh x?bayangkan budak2 yg dh besar pun takut nak g toilet mlm2 pas tgk cerita seram...ini budak kecik...xterpikir ke kesan psycology kat budak tu...dan penonton2 lain yang terpaksa dgr anak ko meraung2.
so aku rase,sape yg nk mempertahankan yg penonton sudah jd lebih bijak...kena g buat research betul2 la...ade banyak lg nak point out sebenarnye...tp cukupla sampai kat sini aku membebel...sebab kalau tambah lagi...nnt ade lak org yg panas ati...hmmm...bak kata Nabil...lu pk la sendri....sekurang2nya encik Nabil itu jujur bgtau yg filem lakonan dia sendri xbagus....but business is business...dats why diorg panggil bidang perfileman neh....industri perfileman bukan seni perfileman...but since korg yg bg duit beli tiket nk tgk cerita diorg...boleh x jd lagi bijak sikit bila memilih cerita apa yang korang nak tonton tu...and then mak bapak kt rumah tu,tlg la pilih cerita yg semenggah nak bg anak tgk...aku rase baik korang buang duit g apply channel disney ke,nickelodeon ke...dari korang tgk astro ria dgn prima tuh...xabis2 citer ngarut2....dalam 100 cerita...10 je yg ada kelainan...yang lain....hmmm....xtau nak cakap ape....

10 minit bersama mak cik Bedah...

lokasi:kat kenduri kawin jiran aku.
Mak cik bedah: sedapnye bau minyak wangi kamu nih...berkenan lak mak cik...one drop perfume ke??? yg mane satu rase2nye??teringin mak cik nak beli???
aku:oh...ni bukan one drop perfume punye mak cik....ni beckham...
mak cik bedah:beckham tu ape ???(aku dah perasan mamat dpn aku macam tersedak2 sket)
aku:beckham tu pemain bola...
mak cik bedah:omputih ke?
aku:a'ah orang england...
mak cik bedah:pemain bola sepak pun buat minyak wangi...tapi kenape die wat minyak wangi pompuan?
aku:laki pun ade juge mak cik...ikut la nak beli yang mane...
mak cik bedah:berape ringgit??
aku:35 ml baru seratus lebih...
mak cik bedah:hissshh...mahal la...xpe la...mak cik gune one drop perfume je la...
aku: (senyum je...aku memang dah expect outcome mcm nih...)

it's moo moo here, moo moo there...here a moo, there a moo..everywhere moo moo...

based on the statistic,four out of five "real" relationship that i had (real means it's mutual n not one sided or unrequited) are actually with Taurian...they fit the pattern and possess the criteria that always attract me and killing me at the same time...there are times that i can't help but feel cursed.
I always tell myself and people around me that i don't believe in love at the first sight...and i'm still not buying it now...but attraction does work at the first sight...and when attraction strikes, either you take a step back or you going further. And if you are going further,before you know it,you are trapped..and you can say goodbye to the exit door because the only way you can get out is through the sewage that full of shit...
All ends well in those four relationship,no bruises...only swollen eyes for couple of days, wounded pride, be it my side or theirs, still hangs out like old buddy,still knowing and understand each other more than anyone else,nothing's change except for the lovey dovey part.And the question that's been circling in my mind...if the symptom is so crystal clear and you knew that it would come to this,why you still take the chance?
I know i'm stupid,i should have learnt something when i screwed things up. But Taurian indeed are lovely creatures, they don't talk much, easy to please,workaholic,crazy about money and most of all, not domineering. i feel a sense of comfort and in control because i know they are not the type who fuss over things.And although I know perfectly well that this package also comes along with a time bomb that could explode any time...i practically turn a blind eye....because t's hard to resist them, it just like a having a Baskin and Robbins ice cream with your favorite flavour, it's fattening and could kill you but you insist on having it because it makes you feel good now and regret it later.
Someone should create a horoscop detector, so people like me can stop screwing up. I indeed have a relationship with the scorpion, the crazy bastard with inferiority complex who believes that by cursing right there and then earned him some respect and love...and i really pissed off with him until now.See...i hate him and I don't ever wish to see him again...ever...but not the other four...i have no reason to hate them and therefore i hate myself for my inability to hate the person who break my heart.I have lots of Taurian male friend,And they are so captivating, so gentle and so pleasant to be around.They are the type who i could spend the rest of my life without having to add in the flair of love into the picture. I always believe that they would be a good dad.So why can't things work out between me and the Taurian.
You know what piss me the most? it is when i thought i'm attracted to someone, and decided i could go far with this person...and dreaded asking the question because knowing fully well that he is a Taurian which is so far..100% accurate.and i just grit my teeth after know the fact and start gambling that the coin would actually flipped on the other side this time...it irritates me in every possible way it could...
In the nutshell, i think i have a Taurian curse...so the next time i'm into someone..and if it's turn out he's the bull...i just run and hide...out of his sight as quickly as i can...for thy are terrified with the bull monster more than anything else one of these days...though it might sound like an attempt to evade the real problem which is ME by blaming the horoscope thingy...i still believe i am cursed...

Kem motivasi from the corner of my mind...

aku dari kecik sampai besar menyampah sungguh nak gi kem-kem yang membina motivasi dan jati diri ni. Sebabnye ada beberapa slot yang aku tak suka buat dan bila kena buat,aku buat nak tak nak kena marah-marah dengan fasilitator...dah la aku kene bayar pergi kem tu pastu kena marah lagi...sengal.
Tadi sekolah aku buat la kem motivasi untuk student darjah 6. dan bila sampai acara muhasabah diri ataupun dengan kata lain acara bersyahduan,menangis sampai nak keluar biji mata...aku mulalah menyampah.kalau bukan sebab aku guru darjah 6,aku memang nak cabut je.so terpaksa la aku tengok drama air mata berjurai-jurai.Jangan salah sangka aku ni keras hati,aku pun nangis juga.tapi tangisan aku bukan untuk public.Damn...aku paling tak suka,bila fasilitator dah cakap ayat-ayat sedih tahap bersamamu,pastu bila die tengok ade budak xsedey...die gi kat budak tu pastu saiko-saiko kat dia,and then bila berjaya buat budak tuh nangis...akutengok macam fasilitator tu dapat kepuasan pulak.Aku tau aku saiko sebab berpendapat macam ni,tapi mungkin fasilitator tu rasa dia gagal kalau tak berjaya buat budak menangis.Aku ingat masa darjah 6 dulu,bila aku xnangis,selambe je cikgu aku cakap aku keras kepala.What shit? Tahu tak lagi susah nak tahan menangis dari nak tahan ketawa.Salah ke kalau aku tak nangis.Aku tak nangis sebab apa yang fasilitator tu cakap adalah skrip yang dah terancang and apa yang dia cakap tu pulak sebenarnya conscience kita,memang dah terpendam dalam kepala otak and memang hari-hari kena buat.Kena hormat orang tua,kna hargai jasa mereka,kena belajar bersungguh-sungguh.Jadi orang berguna...bagi aku sangat cliche kot.Bukan time tu je kena nangis....hari2 kot....
Dulu everyday bila sampai slot tuh...aku sentiasa bayangkan aku kena culik pastu duduk dalam bilik gelap and then kena torture psychologically sampai aku break down....macam citer2 spy dgn citer2 mafia kat dalam TV tuh...mase nak gather info kan selalu bagi ayat2 saiko...macam "u tak sayang family you ke? kalau you mati nanti,macam mana hidup diorang? your mom only has one son...you want to see hem hurt...and then bile ko dah break down...dah fall apart...ko vomit semua info...and ko tetap kena bunuh....macam fasilitator kem motivasi yang dibayar untuk kendalikan slot ni...dia bagi ko saiko sampai ko break down,nangis-nangis and mengaku semua kesalahan ko but in the end....dia tetap ambil duit ko for the mental torture fee.Hmmm...aku rase seelok-eloknya nak muhasabah diri adalah dengan bersendirian,antara ko dengan tuhan...bukannye public display...coz time ni ramai orang yang end up bukan ade kesedaran pun lagi banyak faker adalah..dah semua orang nangis...nangis je la sekali...kang kalau tak nangis kang orang pandang slack....abis kena kutuk....
Lagi satu,aku paling xsuka kena paksa2 time pergi kem,aku tahu tujuan kem nih untuk menguatkan disiplin...aku akur,tapi agak-agak jenis kem itu pun...masa aku kem time SPM dulu kat MRSM...it's one of the best experience i had...aku ingat lagi kitorang kena divide into teams and kena campak dalam hutan during midnight and cari jalan balik sendri ke kem...kat situ ade team work,ada leardership and ada startegy...so aku sangat excited kot.and then aku nak compare dengan slot masa aku wat untuk pendidikan luar kat university dulu,diorang bangunkan budak malam2 buta,pastu blindfoldkan mata,pegang tali,bawak gi mana2 tah...and then drop us out of nowhere,xbagi bukak mata...and expect us to stay there until they pick us up...aku pun xtau ape objective activity tu sebenarnye...diorang kata for survival la,nak overcome fear la...what everla...tapi the way i look at it....klu ye pun nak merasa perasaan orang buta...kenapa campak aku entah mana2 pastu suro tunggu kat situ macam orang bodo...and then ade pulak orang main2 baling pasir...tarik cuping telinga,usik2...huuuuu...sengal...aku igt lagi betapa annoyednye aku time tu sampai aku bantai tido...sewius shit aku tido....balik kem aku kena maki pasal tido...diorg siap rakam gambar aku tido dengan nyenyak sekali di dalam hutan mane entah....tp yg aku xbley blah tu...aku igt lagi ade budak sebelah aku...tak tau la sape...sebab time tu mate kene ikat....berlari g cari toilet...xtahan nak buang air...gile klaka...
bagi aku yang bukan fasi nih...kadang2 aku rase diorg nih byk songeh...nak tunjuk garang tak bertempat...treat orang macam orang bodo....diorang tak tau ke respect cannot be earned by fear and forced discipline to akan menyebabkan ramai orang jadi psychopath....
However...tak semua pasal kem motivasi aku tak suka...cuma aku agak memilih aktiviti...itu je...aku suka aktivity yang melibatkan unity and team work....treasure hunt ke,rafting ke,compass management ke,LDK ke,anything yang involving team building and trust....untuk orang yang ade trust issue macam aku nih (well,my trust issue is really complex,that's why i rather learn things on my own dari suro orang ajar...pasal tu la aku xreti2 berenang sampai sekarang...aku igt lagi mase kecik bapak aku konon nak ajar aku berenang...sekali die benam aku dalam air.....gile aku fobia....aku dah xpercaye die dah....pastu kalau die ajak aku berenang,aku cabut lari...and then ada 2nd occasion,aku tengah main sungai and tiba-tiba tergelincir dalam air...aku practically drowning kot...and then punyala ramai orang keliling aku...sorang pun xsedar aku dah lemas....terkial-kial la tangan aku menggapai batu2 yang ada in oder to resurface...and luckily aku masih hidup....and from that moment on aku sedar...i can only rely on myself to live....n that incident left a big impact in my life....so bila orang kate kat aku,not to worry or not to fret or whatever...jgn harap aku nak percaya...that's why...aku suka wat keje aku sendri.Tak rely dekat orang lain...and that's why i keep my eyes close kalau group mate aku buat taik pasal assignment...aku dah prepare kot...aku tau mesti akan ada hal punya...so selalunye aku akan buat back up or trying to take control....in other word....gila kuasa juga la...some people might call in reliability...but for me...I simply saving my own ass...so aku tk kisah klu ppl take advantage on me...sebab aku buat semua tu untuk kepentingan aku...n then when my problem solved....astalavista bebeh...(seperti biase...aku melalut)...so balik ke cerita sebenar...aktiviti yg involved trust building nih agak menolong aku overcome trust issue aku...so aku kurang jugela paranoid dgn orang lain...n then mase ni la kita bley tau true colour seseorang...yang selfish ke,yg stuck up ke,yg chicken ke...yang cakap besar ke...it's so freaking funny kot....semua tu nampak live....aku pernah tengok budak...berlagak macam hero...sekali pas flying fox muntah....duhhhh...hilang macho....ada tu pompuan gedik2 nangis kena gigit nyamuk....xselesa tido dalam khemah...aku gigit kang baru tau...balik rumah la weh....huhuhu...aku tak taula time kem motivasi aku biasenye jatuh dalam kategori mana...sebab aku adalah orang yang sgt bergantung kepada mood...time aku nak buat sesuatu memang aku buat...tapi kalau aku tak nak...ko buatla ape pun....unmoved....begitu stuck up nye aku....but overall...kem motivasi nih bagus sebenarnye...cuma kena buang slot2 yang merepek....malam yg shahdu2 tu xpayah buat la...itu buat time Qiamulail ke..time solat sunat ke...pastu aktiviti jgn bagi yang merepek2 and elakkan jangan tunjuk kuasa lebih2....budak2 tuh pegi kem bayar....bukannye free...mane bley selambe2 nak tengking diorang...

abistu...nak aku buat ape lagi????

cuti tahun baru cina nih baru ingat nak rilek kan kepale otak...tapi makin serabut pulak....semua asik tanye soalan yg same...panas dah telinge aku mendengar...
mase aku gi rumah sepupu aku..ziarah dia bersalin anak kedua...makcik aku dok membebel kat aku..."ima dah dua anak...ko bile lagi...muda ima lagi dari ko" yang aku hangin tu...laki sepupu aku tuh pun same bancuh aku...selambe je cakap.."25 tahun tuh dah kira umur expired date anak dara,baik ko kawin cepat2"...fuh..kalau mamat tuh salah seorang kawan aku...memang dia dah makan tapak kaki aku dah...huuuu...sengal...
mak aku dok bising kat aku...jgn memilih sgt la,nak yg ensem la, itu la,ini la...hmmm...ensem sangat ke en.Naz itu....ish ish...jahat sungguh aku ini...aku sudah explain sama mak aku...aku tak memilih pun..dah tak sampai jodoh lagi..aku nak buat macam mana.kalau aku suruh en.Naz meminang aku,dia nak bagi aku makan ape...budak tu baru nak mula hidup...anak sulung pulak tu,nak tolong mak bapak dia lagi...mak aku dok cakap...kalau en.Naz tuh,makin tua makin ramai orang nak...klu aku nih...dah tua..sape yg nak...pakcik2 tua pun dah pandai demand nak yg bergetah....lu pikirla sendri...
ni pagi tadi,bapak aku lak bagi ceramah dia...merah telinga juge la aku menadah mendengar kata2 pujangga di pagi2 hari....bapak aku ni pun satu...dulu dok bising xbg aku gatal nak kawin awal...siap tetapkan selagi xamik master,umur belum cukup 30,jgn gedik nk kawin...tp skang,peer pressure punye pasal...aku pulak dibantai balik....
pathetic sgt ke klu aku nih masih bujang...klu iye pun aku ready nk kawin...tp klu xde org yg ready nk kawin dgn aku pun,xgune juge....aku xdela sedesperate tu lagi...tp org2 di sekeliling aku membuat aku exasperated....sangat serabut ma...lepas abis blaja nih,aku asik nak melenting je...aku tension...badan aku pun mcm bdn doremon cume aku lagi comel la...dengan makcik2 asik tanye bile kenduri...nk merase makan nasi minyak....aku malas la nak dengar....bile aku kate "lantak pi la"..mak aku pulak bantai aku balik...cakap aku berlagak...nnt jd anak dara tua la,itu la ini la...abis tu nak aku buat ape????
awat kakak aku dulu orang xbising2...rilek je die....asal time aku orang beria2 memberi pendapat....
diorg igt aku xsakit jiwa ke???nak aku wat camne lagi baru mulut nak senyap...aku dah xlarat la..bukan aku pun yang tentukan jodoh...walaupun aku sayang en.Naz..tp klu tuhan kate jodoh aku bukan dgn die...xkan aku nak paksa dia juga...salah aku ke sebab suka org yg mcm budak2...wuuuu...mane ade org tengok kriteria stabil,berkerjaya,bijak pandai,berharta mase die fall in love...itu semua lepas dah bertahun2 baru amik port...
mak aku kate aku mcm budak2...buat benda xpikir panjang....aku xtau nak pikir panjang macam mane lagi...aku tanye gak kawan2 aku,laki camne yg diorg nak kawin....bagi punye la banyak kriteria canggih manggih...but in the end they settle for less for the sake of love...ko nak yg kacak bergaye zaman sekarang...ko dpt gay...ko nak yg romantik ko dapat laki org,nak yg kaya...hmmm confirm2 la hodoh...kalau xhodoh pun...sex maniac....amboi amboi amboi...sesedap rase je mulut aku ni...tp mane ade bende yg perfect dlm dunia nih...
pernah juge le aku rase swayed dan meluahkan ketidaksedapan hati aku pada masa depan kepada en.Naz...n aku tau die rase uncomfortable...mesti dia rase helpless gila....sebab dia xboleh buat ape2...ni bukan filem or drama...cakap i luv u,u luv me...trus bley kawin....n then aku anak dara org..makbapak jaga elok...bukan bley kawin cincai2 je....nak kene bunuh dgn makbapak aku berani la buat...aku nak la kawin dgn meriah...lagipun aku bukannye sangap nak kawin sgt sampai kene buat cincai2....asal kawin...janji dapat(paham2 la ye)..
aku teringin juga nak tanya mak aku,kriteria lelaki stabil,berkerjaya,hensem,kaya dan berpendidikan tinggi tu nak ke dekat aku....bukan sebab aku mengalamii masalah inferiority complex...tapi aku mahu menjadi seorg realist...aku bukan artis or anak datuk atau tan sri nak demand2 yg over the top,lgpun pride aku xmembenarkan aku berada di kedudukan lebih rendah dari seorg lelaki yg bakal jd laki aku...alo,aku dahla pendek...perangai cam haram...ko nak aku sopan2,gedik2,ala2 perempuan melayu terakhir semata2 nak tangkap the ultimate bachelor jd laki aku....xsmpi seminggu...habis pekung di dada terbuka...sah2 die carik lain juga...xsame taraf...
aku just nk rase fall helplessly in love wit someone n dia pun rase macam tu kat aku...n then dia bley terima aku seadanya,aku korek idung ke,datang sawan ke,aku gemok ke,die xkisah....kan bagus macam tuh...so aku xyah waste my time being the faker sebab nk ngorat lelaki buat laki.....bak lagu black eye peas...what u see is what u get....senang...xpyh byk keje....
tp mak aku bukan paham pun....hmm...malasla aku nak explain mende2 trivial kat dia...buat gaduh je...aku tau die mesti nk yg terbaik buat aku....tp yg terbaik belum tentu buat aku bahagia...
makcik aku kate jgn tunggu org,biar org tunggu kita...hahahaha...heavennye kalau ade org tunggu aku...aku nih bukan nye disney princess yg akan dipikat prince charming on the white horse..salah ke klu aku jd realistik...salahke kalau aku xkawin awal,salahke kalau aku tunggu beberapa tahun utk kebahagiaan aku...i want to be with the one..the only one until my last breath...tp klu at this moment benda tu not achievable..xkanla aku kena sambar je mane2 mamat jd laki aku...utk tutup mulut org...
seriusla..klu mende ni keep on going like this..aku mebi akan kene high blood pressure or jadi parasite single...xkuar rumah,xkeje....duk berkurung je dlm bilik...menyusahkan mak bapak aku sampai tua...jd antis sosial tahap gaban....aku dah mati akal dah...kadang2 aku rasa mcm aku dah buat salah pulak sebab xberjaya tangkap ultimate bachelor n kawin cpt2....kegagalan aku ini membuatkan aku sgt hampeh di mata masyarakat rupa2nya....

pissed off...

ade member aku tanye...asal aku lame xonline kt Fb,pas main game aku blah....to tell the truth aku menyampah dah nak online...coz sejak akhir2 nih aku nye home page dipenuhi dgn kata-kata negatif...sampai aku xdpt menahan dari menyumpah seranah..
aku nih pun risau gak pasal KISSM dgn BTN xbuat lg...but bile aku dgr ade kwn2 yg dh dpt g interview SPP,i'm happy for them..tp ade gak yg bising...macam bagus sgt sampai nak kutuk2 kementerian xconsiderate buat interview time Tahun Baru China,kalau yg chinese tu aku bley paham la..ini yg melayu pun duk merengek2...rase nak tampar pun ade...orang dah panggil tuh pegi je la..ko ingat ko sorang je ke cikgu kat malaysia nihb sampai kementerian kene menyembah ko..berape byk gaji ko byr interviewer tuh...nih la jenis org yg xtau bersyukur.Setakat xdpt balik rumah jgn bising la wes..aku yg dpt batu pahat pun dh lame xbalik KL.macam dpt ceruk hulu sgt.dgn gaji yg ade tuh,yg confirm2 lebey dari aku yg dpt batu pahat nih...xpyh byk bunyik..mcm la hidup melarat...klu sekarang xbelajar berdikari,bile lagi nak belajar.ingat aku duduk batu pahat nih hidup senang ke,dah la duduk sorang2.ape2 jd kt aku pun bukan org tau.survive sendri.xde member sebaye kt skola,xkenal sape2 kt kg Senggarang nih.kene buli kat sekolah,kene buat tu buat nih...xde pun nak bising2...grow up la...mane ade bende yg satisfactory dlm dunia nih.korang ingat aku bley idup ke kat sini,tgk dari lifestyle aku,nk kene adapt dgn suasana kampung.aku dari kecik duk KL kot.bukan budak johor,pahang,terengganu,perak or melaka.dari kecik dah lepak KLCC,KL Plaza(sampai tower record dah pindah KLCC,makan ice cream mc D dpn Sungai Wang..g try tester kt LOT 10.g konsert,g gig...dari time the moffats tgh hot dulu,time no doubt turun Malaysia..that's my event,that's my scene...,dgn perbezaan budaya yg ketara...aku sendiri rase terkongkong kat sini.but 4 the sake of adapting,sebab sedar diri aku nih siape,i live in community,in organisation,yang aku dh pledge akan berkhidmat sebaik mungkin,aku tundukkan kepala menghadap benda2 yg aku xfamiliar,yang aku sendri xbley terima,dgn harapan one day things will change...n believe it is for the best.
aku boring la dgn cikgu2 nih,igt jadi cikgu nih keje welfare ke.klu ambik medic,xde keje.xde lak dirog menyalak kat kerajaan,klu amik engineering ke,lawyer ke,xdpt keje..xde lak comdemn kerajaan..tp klu jd cikgu..xde keje je bising nak mampus...aku paling xsetuju sistem KPLI...konon nk memartabatkan perguruan..but then when that unemployed graduates suck at their pointer and no one will employ them...ko campak masuk KPLI suro jd cikgu...if it was that easy to become a teacher...tell me why shoudl i waste my six years of youth to study in the uni and working my ass to the bone to get the honor just to be treated in equal footing with those KPLI....yg in the first place,hv no intention of becoming a teacher except for the fact,xde keje...or sebab dah kawin,laki suro berenti keje,jadi cikgu so ade mase jage anak kat rumah....so damn f**** irrelevance....pastu bile suro pegi pedalaman...banyak bunyi lak...pk sendri la nape ko xdpt keje...igt kementerian tu bapak ko punye...
aku pun xsuke dgn sistem kerajaan,tapi xde la sampai semua bende aku nk comdemn...klu perangai cikgu2 sendri mcm bitch....pk la,camne ko nak ubah kerajaan yg sedia ada nih....rome wasn't built in a day...n jd cikgu bukan mcm makan ais cream...klu xnk susah... carik keje lain la....xyah bising2 merungut itu ini...menyakitkan mate aku nk bace bende2 camtu...grow up babies...mmg aku xbagus but at least i'm not whining at almost everything...

loneliness can drives you to the wall....

During my teenage years...i had this day dreaming habit....i tend to get lost in my own thought when i was left alone...i had this English teacher who would scream her lungs out at me every time i got distracted in her class...i didn't feel angry at her though..i just didn't bother...so apathetic...
Some people said that I think too much,i think of unnecessary things,getting worried over nothing..and worse of all,i started getting head ache from all this thinking..people asked me...what is it that's in my head.to tell the truth.I don't remember much,but i do feel that the feeling of insecurity bitting me little by little..as a teenager,i feel more bitter than happy... every time i try to remember...i only feel bitter....the messed up infatuation, the lost self-esteem,the worst way of doing things, the hateful environment...yup...i really did feel bitter...somehow,the feeling of love didn't reach me...
I did not remember much about what i did back then...but the only thing i remember the most,the only thing that's vivid was my dream...i call it dream not because it is achievable but it sounds a lot more logical than fantasy.I dream of a neatly mowed hilly green grass field,three boys,the asphalt road,the big tree with lots of branches,a red convertible,the blue sky, the wind,and the golden ray from the sun....i could hear the sound of laughter,the smell of the grass brought by the breeze,the image of one of the boy swaying his body upside down the branch,i could see they race each other along the road only to be stopped by a deep ravine at the end of the road...there is an ocean...big wide blue ocean....and the sparrows fly freely in the sky...the boys started shouting,they shout the loudest as if competing against each other...the louder they shout the more birds fly towards the sky as if to run away from the noise that perturbing them....and then the boys broke down to tears,cried like there's no more tomorrow...and i would cry...
Does it sound disturbing to you guys?? ha ha,i never quite make it until now the significance of my dream...i don't get it why they doing things they did...it's all in my head time and time and again...i didn't even know why i came out with such dream in my mind...and i feel frustrated until now because no matter how hard i try to focus...i still can't see those boys faces and it's killing me....the mystery remain unsolved....
And you know that there are some people who has felt sensation of nostalgic moment occurred to them incidentally or coincidentally when they smell or hear or see something that reminded them of the past.sort of like a deja-vu...when u feel the sense of familiarity and try to make something out of it but couldn't...you know it happened to you before...and you tried hard to try to remember the moment...but all you could get is the feeling...
i often had that kind of sensation during the last drop of rainfall....when i was a teenager,my favorite moment was when i walked along the pathway near my school field...while i proceeded with my step a little at a time and my hand caressing along the fence, i can feel the cold breeze blowing himself upon me,blanketing me with icy feeling,it shivered me to my spine,then i inhaled the freshly cleaned air....and wishful thinking that time would stop..i wanted to stay like this forever...
sometimes,in a spur of the moment...those recollection comes to me in a totally different surrounding.every time it occurs,i always try to figure out..why do i feel that way...and it always succeeded in making me crave to go back there though i know...even if i walk along the path million times in the present,i won't get the feeling anymore....but i really missing it...though i don't want to go back,deep in my heart i always wish to reliving it again one more that,i don't want the whole part...just one tiny little part....the crucial part on that very one day...because every time the feeling comes to me,all i remember is my failure of that particular day....the stupidest action take by immature girl who tried to act mature..that particular day that change everything....

berborak dengan guru besar..

Aku memulakan tugas sebagai setiausaha bilik guru dengan menampal jadual2 kelas dan guru2 di bilik guru.Selepas itu,aku ditugaskan oleh tuan pengerusi membuat memo makluman kutipan derma terhadap semua guru di sekolah aku.Sedang aku mencari guru besar untuk meminta tandatangan pada surat derma ikhlas pembinaan masjid di Padang itu,aku jumpa dia tengah layan blues dekat sebuah kelas darjah 6 yg kosong.so aku pun ketuk pintu,dan die pun suro masuk.
rite on time die nak sign je,tetibe ade incoming call..chiss kacau daun...die pun pot pet pot pet dekat setengah jam la juge...guru besar aku klu borak memang lama..klu time meeting selalu abis lambat pasal die asik bercakap.aku confirm kebuluran tiap kali pas abis meeting.bile die hang up je.die check2 akunyer memo tuh,pastu sign...n then die suro aku duduk jap.die ade hal nak cakap dgn aku sket katenye...jeng jeng jeng...aku dh cuak dah...aku igt die nak sound aku psl asik dtg lmbt walaupun die lebih lambat dari aku...rupe2nye die nak tanye aku ade ape2 masalah ke sepanjang kerja kat sini.
aku kate kat die...biase je. adat la org baru kerja. Pastu guru besar kate,cikgu2 lain ade buli aku ke,kalau xtahan bgtau die..aku pun xmaule nak jd tukang ngadu...so aku kate semua pun ok.die tanye lg,boleh sesuaikan diri duduk kampung?yup aku memang org bandar,n xpernah duk kampung..so memang la takes time nk adapt...tp so far so good.tetibe die kate, die respect kat aku.coz sejak dari mula sampai sekolah tu until now,aku xpernah sekali pun merengek kat die mintak tukar balik KL.n then mase mula2 dtg sini pun,aku adjust life aku dgn cepat.xrely dekat org utk cari rumah,buat hal aku sendri n xmengharapkan orang...masuk belia lagi...kire walaupun aku orang bandar,n lifestyle aku lain gila dari penduduk kt sini..aku masih bley bawak diri..n then bley lak sewa rumah tinggal sorang2..kira untuk orang2 kampung,budak perempuan yang tinggal seorang nih macam sesuatu yg sgt berani...hins hins hins...idung aku kembang...
aku kate la kat die...kalau ikut hati memang aku xberape ok...but i'm in strangers land kot...xyah nk g sabah or sarawak...culture tempat nih dgn kl sgt lain kot...bayangkan aku yg muke snob gile ni..yg kerek tahap gaban nih...yg spoilt rotten sume bende mak aku buatkan dari A sampai Z nih.sekarang kene sengih non stop depan mak cik2 kat sini supaya dapat diterima...sgt faker kot....tuh belum masuk bab kena buli lagi.belum lagi bab kene usik dgn pakcik2 lagi,kena jelingan tajam isteri2 mereka pula.Tuh belum masuk bab mentaliti.cara hidup aku,social circle aku...sgt lain kot...kat sini aku sangap gile nak tgk lelaki muda....dpt tua sikit 2 tahun ke 3 tahun ke pun dah kira ok.ini tidak, sume pun laki org...kat sekolah aku xdak laki bujang langsung...mau nye aku xmereng...asik kene mengadap muke pakcik2 tue nih hari2...cikgu pompuan pun mostly dah kawin...kalau yg xkawin lagi tuh...umur dh lanjut juge...so level of thinking dh xserupa...ade yg dekat2 umur,asik cite pasal barang kemas,gelang kristal,tudung,keronsang,baju kerawang,baju sulam....duhhhhhhh....lemah...tapi dah namenye kerja...redha la kan.
then, guru besar cakap.tadi kwn die, Mr X tepon,mintak tlg die cakapkan dkt YB Fuad Zarkasi (timb. menteri pendidikan merangkap ahli parlimen batu pahat) supaye cablekan anak die supaya dpt area senggarang juge.aku tanye anak mr X tu laki ke pompuan.dah kawen ke belom.amik course ape.GB jawab budak laki,xkawin ag,amik pismp.aku pun kate,budak tuh dpt mane??GB cakap dekat sarawak.Budak tuh pergi, xsampai 2 3 hari cabut balik johor.xtahan duk sane.Atas alasan,xde tempat sembahyang la,kat tempat tu banyak anjing la,kat sungai ade buaye la.and macam2 alasan yg typical.and then GB tanye pendapat aku,patut x die tlg budak nih...aku pun jwb...klu saye,saye xkan tolong...government spent more than RM70000 for each person untuk budak2 nih....RM70000 bukan sikit....so supposedly time nih diorng byr balik duit rakyat yg diorg gune utk belajar dulu.it's not the time to be babies.lagi2 budak lelaki,kalau susah macam tu pun xboleh nak hadapi,macam mana kalau masa depan nanti ada benda yg lagi berat dan teruk dari benda nih jadi.
Aku pun story la,kawan2 aku ramai yg dpt rural area...tp xde lg yg mati kebulur xmakan,kena baham dgn buaya or hidup melarat.budak2 nih pun bukan nye org yg hidup susah2 dulu.ade gak budak kl yg manje gile,tp masih boleh survive idup kt borneo sane.Macam aku sendri,sgt berharap dpt borneo.tp xde rezeki,dpt batu pahat.aku redha.so xadil la klu mak bapak budak tu sampai nak cable kan anak dia.Perbuatan cable tuh sendri dh salah sebab mengambil hak orang lain.kire zalim la tu.Guru besar pun angguk2 mendengar point aku.
Sambil2 tu,die pun sempat la buka cerita,nabi dulu berjihad nak sebarkan islam sampai sanggup pergi berdakwah kat Taif...dgn dicemuh,dihina,dibaling batu semua...tapi nabi tahankan...mengajar tu kan jihad...kalau nk berjihad pun ko nak yg senang...ape la maknanye jihad tu...fuhhh...bley tahan gak GB aku nih.....
aku cakap kat dia,td aku tgk tv,psl perjumpaan pelajar luar negara di UK dgn Timb perdana menteri.ada pelajar tanya,kenapa mcm ada double standard anta sekolah di semenanjung dgn sekolah di sabah sarawak.Tan sri Muhyiddin cakap, kerajaan dah buat yg terbaik.dah latih guru untuk berkhidmat dkt sabah n sarawak.but everytime hantar, ade je guru yg xpergi.kalau sorg dua xpe,ini beratus2...so salah kerajaan ke atau salah guru tu sendiri yg bermentaliti nak idup senang.benda ni cume jadi dikalangan guru sahaja bukan pada sektor2 awam lain seperti doktor,jururawat,polis,askar dan kastam..n being a teacher is lucky sebab, like it or not..since government dah byk bayar untuk kite,masih ada panggilan kedua untuk kita if kita dah reject the first posting...but starting this year, tadi guru besar dah cakap...pekeliling dah keluar,kalau guru tu xlapor diri dan xmahu berkhidmat di tempat dia ditugaskan...dia akan terus disenaraihitamkan dan diminta membayar balik biasiswa yg diberikan...dah xde panggilan kedua.
Ari tu pun Fuad Zarkasi pernah cakap, mase ada majlis kat sekolah aku.dia kate,sape2 yg mintak tlg dia untuk cable kan anak2 masuk SBP ke, pindahkan tempat posting ke....die xkan layan..aku xtau la betul ke x...biasele...politician...but hopefully die buat betul2 la...sebab cikguakan jadi yg dewasa,pendidik bangse...klu ko awal2 main tipu...lu pikir la sendiri...
Pas abis borak tuh,aku pun gerak la turun bawah.before aku blah,GB kate..."awak keje kat sini elok2,pas confirm je..kalau awak nak sambung belajar,nanti saya recommend..saya memang suka guru2 nak sambung belajar.kita nak buat sesuatu biar teratur..awak cari pengalaman dulu...kumpul duit dulu..lepas tu baru decide nak buat apa...baru semua lancar...kalau ade ape2 masalah jumpa saya.."aku pun cakap Ok dan blah...hmmm...to tell the truth,i'm going to stick here long enough because of the GB...die mcm life line utk future aku nnt...huhuhu...if that GB is willing to recommend u to further ur study...he is one hell of a good GB...

kepada tuan guru besar...

assalamualaikum tuan guru besar.saya amat bertuah kerana dapat mengajar di bawah kepimpinan anda.tuan amat baik sekali.tetapi tuan guru besar.Diharap anda dapat melupakan niat baik tuan guru besar untuk melihat saya tenang dan aman damai.Seperti yang tuan guru besar sendiri tahu dan guru-guru lain pura-pura tak tahu,saya memang tak layak langsung menjadi ketua rumah sukan,bak kata guru besar..ketinggian saya yang di bawah paras norma ini tidak membantu dalam melahirkan atlit2 sukan ternama yang akan mengharumkan nama sekolah kita nanti.Rupa saya yang seiras kanak-kanak riang juga akan menyebabkan pelajar lain menjadi tidak serius menjalankan aktiviti sukan.saya hargai pandangan tulus tuan guru besar.Alangkah bagusnya jika guru2 lain berpendapat seperti tuan.saya boleh hidup dengan bersenang lenang di sekolah.
Tetapi,tuan semestinya faham,adat orang baru mesti akan dibuli sepuas-puasnya apatah lagi jika orang baru itu disokong oleh guru besar.sekiranya tuan guru besar berdiam diri dan tidak mempertahankan ketidak layakan saya menjadi seorang ketua rumah sukan,guru-guru yang lain mungkin tidak akan sebulat suara melantik saya menjadi setiausaha kelab guru.tuan sendiri sedia maklum yang tulisan saya sangat buruk.jadi setiausaha berjuta-juta kali ganda tanggungjawabnya berbanding ketua rumah sukan.
Mungkin ini adat orang merantau.Keluar mulut harimau,masuk mulut buaya.walaupun dalam kemuncungan mulut,saya terpaksa menerima jawatan yang maha berat untuk guru yang baru mengajar 4 bulan,tapi saya redha.bak kata cik X,kalau tak sekarang,bila lagi nak belajar. walaubagaimanapun,saya amat terharu dengan keperihatinan yang tuan guru besar tunjukkan.diharap kalau saya tak sempat buat minit mesyuarat,tuan boleh tolong saya cover up.kita kan geng....isk isk isk....

a piece before membuta.....

ari nih rase sedey....sebab mak sudah balik kl...walaupun aku yg beria2 nak menyewa sorang2...tp bile mak aku xde neh...ase sunyi lak...hehehehe...dah xde org nak gado dgn aku...dulu duk dgn aishah, bley gak la nak menyakat dia...wuuuu...
By the way...aku baru mula nak merase bahagia sebab jadual PnP aku kali ni...cantik bangat.dua kelas English n dua kelas sains...tapi panas tidak ke petang...tetibe 2 chekgu BI sekolah aku amik cuti setahun...sorang kena ketumbuhan otak,sorang lagi jaga anak lukemia...budak tu baru nak masuk darjah 2...sedeh lak aku...kecik2 lagi kena bertarung nyawa...
So nak xnak jadual aku berubah 360 degree...no more science class for me..huwaaa...xdpt buat experiment...aku dh plan nak buat mcm2..nak tanam tauge,nak buat litar elektrik dgn lemon,nak buat eksperiment float n sink...isk isk isk...kejam....aku diberi 2 pilihan...amik darjah 6 kelas 1st atau kelas last...mcm nk pengsan aku dgr...things that i dreaded the most kot...
aku cube negotiate dgn GPK1 aku yg baik hati tu,aku xready ag nak ajar darjah 6,baru 4 bulan mengajar..bagi la aku tukar suke same suka dgn chekgu BI lain,ajar darjah 5 ke, 4 ke.Tapi GPK1 aku kate kt aku,, kalau takut kena beranikan diri...lagipun ape gune aku belajar TESL sampai 6 tahun kalau xbley apply sekarang..hissshhh...masalahnye ini tanggungjawab...klu aku amik kelas 1st..kalau result upsr paper English xdpt A...aku gak yg disalahkan...kalau aku amik darjah 6 kelas last pula...kalau diorg xlulus macammane?? last2 aku kautim dgn sorg chekgu BI yg ajar kelas darjah 6 yg intermediate level supaye bley tuka suke same suke dgn die...die pun seperti memahami kerisauan hati lalu bersetuju...Alhamdulillah...so,officially...aku cume mengajar BI aje tahun nih...argggghhhh....serabut...xde outlet...wuuuu....nak ajar science...ajar english je xbest...ajar kelas pandai pun aku asik rase nak nangis....kelas belakang xyah citer larrr...kang aku nangis terus....at least klu ajar science...aku bley wat mende practical...bley tunjuk kat diorg...pasal absorbtion,pasal solution...isk isk isk
n gilak aku rindu dengan encik nazman....cam hape je ayat aku neh..mesti org sumpah seranah ..wuuuuuuu....gilak gilak gilak.....di manekah dia.....wuuuuuuuuuuu.....terase mahu carik pakwe baru....jahat sungguh aku ini...sewius shit...aku lonely gile skang...padan muke sendri...

For you...you know who you are....

It's been a year and three quarter since i stop crying about you...I'm happy now...then how can you be so cruel to make me cry again?...after all of this time...when i finally able to move on..you are not suppose to say anything...why can't you just keep it all inside the way you used to do it back then? I don't need this pain..I don't want to cry because of you anymore..my heart is broken and nothing you say could mend it..you hurt me deep back then when you said that the love had gone...
I keep hoping and hoping that you would say what you said just now during that one year duration.that you will take back those lies you told me...when i still think about you,when i still think that there's a hope between us...but all i got is a disappointment..until i could no longer be me again...never be able to feel pretty...put a facade throughout my entire body...it wasn't easy for me to let you go...to find someone else to replace you...i cried tears every night because of you..
And now,when i did get over you...how could you say such words I've been longing to hear long ago....what's the point of saying them now...when i already given up on you...why are you so eager to make me loath you more than ever....
I wish you would never said those words...i wish you could stop making me cry...coz the only thing that's bond me with you is the regret...to ever love a guy who never try.....
You have your whole life to live wherever you are...and though i don't know if i have found mine...there's one thing i know for sure..i don't miss you anymore...i'm capable of doing things i used to do before you even there to do it for me...i don't know if i could ever love other guy as much as i loved you...but i know one thing...i have moved on...

bile ko nak kawin????

Sejak aku abis belajar nih....bertalu2 soalan stereotipikal ini menerjah aku dari segenap sudut...kalau diibaratkan peluru...dah abis berlubang2 badan aku sane sini....dulu mase belajar,orang tanye bile nak keje...dah abis belajar,orang tanye bile nak kawin...nnt bile dah kawin,orang tanye bile nak beranak...sengal2....cubela tanye soalan bernas sikit seperti...nak duit tak? nak hadiah tak? musti aku jawab dengan laju...NAK...
Woih...pikir logic la sket...ade ke pompuan yg xnk kawin....even pengkid pun esok luse bley insaf...kawin dan beranak pinak...tp klu gay aku doubt la bab beranak pinak tuh....BTW aku kene ngorat kanak2 peng semalam.comel gak mukenye..nasib baik aku dah besar...klu aku sekolah menengah lagi mesti aku cair...ok2,masuk topik balik...
Hmmm...soalan kahwin pada aku agak sensitip dan subjektive....kalau boleh,di ikutkan kegatalan aku esok pun aku nak kawin...tapi pas memikirkan diri aku sendri pun xterjage ag,masak pun terkantoi2 ag, nak jage laki???pastu jage anak???adeh....takut...ini bukan soal ready xready or soal memilih....ini soal jodoh,Qada' n Qadar...sejak aku break dgn pakwe aku yg dot dot dot tuh...it makes me thinking..long n hard...(jgn bace dlm connotation lucah ye),issue family dgn culture memainkan peranan yg sgt besar...part of the reason of the breaking up is becoz of the gap between the family n the culture plus the distance...mase couple sume bende tuh nmpak macam trivial...but bile ko decide nak kawin....everything falls apart macam domino's effect...so shitty and menyakitkan hati...
even sampai sekarang pun aku menghadapi masalah yg sama ini...klu kawin.nak ke aku ikut laki aku kalau tibe2 die kate nk balik kg die...duk kat sane...unthinkable...tuh belum lagi masuk part cite2 aku,kerjaya aku...i dun want to stop just here...i mean my work is great...but i still hv my own plan in d future...even now bile aku kate...klu aku proceed master and nk jadi dot dot dot...pun bley jadi isu sampai tarik2 muke..bayangkan soal2 lain....yang lebih besar....BESAR....
Dari segi umur..aku baru je masuk 24...kakak aku umur 28,baru decide nak kawin...so why the hurry...ini bukan zaman nak tunjuk sape laku...xde makne kalau kawin awal if ko xhepi...
n lagi satu,orang suke bg unreasonable rationale kt aku yg berbunyi seperti ini, ai..muke ko bley tahan gak..asal xkawin lagi...ape maksud..adekah perkahwinan milik mutlak pompuan cantik je (iye pompuan cantik tuh bukan aku..tuh org2 lain).Ade je member aku yg muka biase2 je,kawin awal...dengan mat salleh ag (sure aku kene penyepak dgn minah ni klu die bace)...huh...klu pompuan tuh harap lawa je...tp pengotor...makan xbasuh pinggan sampai kering sisa makanan,sampah xbuang sampai berulat,baju xbasuh sampai berbulan2,sebab die lawa...die berhak kawin???pastu suro bibik wat kerja rumah sebab die terlalu lawa utk wat keje2 camtu...nanti tercalar kuku yg dimanicure tuh.....
bile tgk kawan2 aku kawin,hati aku terdetik gak,agak2nye bile lak turn aku. n then bile ade makhluk2 yg aku xpernah terpikir akan kawin...tipulah klu aku xsentap...sambil menegeluarkan statement...dot dot dot camnih pun bley kawin...pastu wat muke unbelievable it's a miracle...dan sekaligus aku mengalami inferiority complex yg maha dasyat...i mean ape kurangnye aku...aku memang la nampak loklak...tp masih tahu make a difference between the do's n the dont's bak kate eliyana...Tak tercapai akalmu....wesss...aku dah keje pun mak aku masih kuatkuasekan curfew balik rumah sebelum pukul 7mlm...wuuuuuu...pun xdpt kawin...bagaimanakah org yg sudah melakukan empat fasa ini iaitu clubbing,caressing,copulating and conceiving dan berakhir dgn aborting pun masih boleh bertemu jodoh yg baik....but then semua tu kan tuhan dah aturkan...kita memang xkan pernah dpt predict...mcm tetibe aku dpt kawin dgn josh hartnett..pastu kene bunuh dgn mak aku...
huishh...banyak sungguh fallacy dlm post aku nih.....bias n personal betul....back to point...kalau orang tanye aku bile aku nak kawin...aku gelak...sebab aku sendri pun xtau nak jwb camne dh.....

blurrrrr.....

I think i've wrote somewhere about me being incompetent as a woman...i mean about me being ugly be it in attitude n looks and also about my inability to commit..
when I think back and recall, i don't think I've the quality suited enough to be somebody's wife or mother.There's no motherly traits in me though most people know that I'm a primary school teacher..i guess it's proven somehow,considering lots will volunteer to be a witness and bear proof of my lack of womanliness...
I love to play,i have no respect towards elders,I'm stubborn as hell, plus a demon with a devil's tongue, i hate to cook...i loathed house chores, i speak what i think, and i throw a tantrum when i feel like it.I always argue even about the smallest thing..I am tactless with my words..and careless with my things.and some more of the ugly things other people would think of..i know no guy in the living world will be out on their mind to even have the slightest intention to be with me for the rest their life after they get to know me...the real me....
But knowing myself is certainly a better way to suppress my emotion...it's sort of like knowing my own limitation and continue doing what i do best...but lately, maybe due to the dullness of my recent life, and the fact that i feel lost in the middle of the jungle called working environment...i don't know what to look forward to...another day of the same old thing (which is not really old since i've only been teaching for 4 months),i have nothing to look forward to...my life is stagnant...the only thing that's changing is my weight...all the more reason to moan......
I'm not a pious girl, I have no manners...i try to be good at school.changing colours like a chameleon.And I do think at the moment my eyes do spin like one.And it makes me exhausted...and when I'm exhausted. I sleep and gain more weight.(I think people will start getting an idea that i really freak out about my weight.)and when i'm fat, my body become heavy, and when my body become heavy...of course i become lazy...it's a proven scientific chain reaction....nobody can defy that...
Well i guess at this point...there is still no one who would able to get the point of this gibberish piece...I'm sorry...but I need an outlet...and I've forgotten the URL of my own blog...I know it's pathetic...but i dun want to waste my energy to create another blog for just one post.So please bear with it or just click the X without hesitation....
I just want to scream...though I know what i want, but i don't know anything anymore, i don't know how to make it works....i don't know which way to go...and i'm scared of the possibility...i scared of growing up, i'm scared of building a life...i'm scared of the future...and my heart is beating like crazy and i feel suffocated every time i try to breath..it's painful and confusing...there's nothing more than I wish that time would just stop...just stop moving and freeze....urghhh...head ache...better stop now..

"aku pandai cakap tapi bile kene batang hidung sendri"

1.sejak aku pindah batu pahat...aku selalu merungut makanan kat sini tak sedap...kurang rase la...kurang itula,kurang inila...tp aku sendri pun masak bukan sedap sangat...banyak bunyik je lebih...
2.dari dulu...aku pantang tengok mak bapak bawak anak2 diorg jalan2 kat shopping mall bersepah2...lari sane lari sini...langgar org kiri kanan...tuh belum masuk aiskrim jatuh lantai, budak menangis lagi...saiko...tapi bile aku bawak adik aku kuar...baru tahu langit tinggi rendah...kepala macam batu ada duduk...xreti perkataan statik,xnak jalan dgn kakak...mahu jln sendri2...pastu melangak....adik aku aku same sakai je (kesimpulannye,aku pun kategori xmampu mendidik kanak2 supaya jadi taat dan patuh bila di shopping mall)
3.Bile tengok headline org mati bunuh diri or bunuh awek/boypren pasal hati pecah....aku kutuk bodoh la,hampeh la....pasal jantan/betina pun nak mati...tapi bile aku gado dgn pakwe aku....setengah mati juge aku....seb baik la aku xbuang tebiat g call or ketuk pintu rumah org malam2 bute semate2 nak meraung...paling2 pun makan ubat tido doktor bagi ataupun xmakan...kunun menderita sangat la tu...tp tetap same bodo...
4.aku duk bengang bile kawan aku asik dok jerit2 dekat mak die depan aku...dlm ati aku kate ape punye kurang ajar ko nih...tp kat umah pun kadang2 aku same level je...(tapi mak aku memang suke carik gado dgn aku,hobi die kot...xbley tengok aku tenang jiwa raga,tapi time aku sakit die yg jage,time aku sorg die yg dtg teman aku...hissshhh...xkenang budi punye anak)
5.aku selalu kate kat kawan2 aku "learn how to say no" bile diorg mengadu kononnye tak larat sebab kene buat something untuk org lain e.g mak aku asik suro aku basuh pinggan,kawan aku ajak gi dangdut,nenek aku ajak makan sireh,pakwe aku nak pinjam duit...tapi aku sendri kalau orang mintak tolong laju je aku pergi...penat pun tahan,jam pun redah..apela cakap xserupe bikin....yang penatnye aku.(seb baik adik aku kate, kalau aku buat dgn ikhlas aku dpt pahala)...tapi penat tetap penat....
6.bile aku tengok kawan2 ade yg asik merungut, sebab kene duk pedalaman,ceruk hulu, xde civilisation tp masih ade school.net bley facebooking,aku kutuk.ape la babies...xpernah idup susah...itu la jadi nye...kene gigit nyamuk pun merengek...tp aku pun ape kurangnye....kedai mamak kat bawah rumah pun aku gi naik kete...klu kene jalan kaki beli barang dapur confirm2 aku pau mak aku air milo kotak besar kaw2...atas alasan...penat jalan jauh..hampeh.....same level je haku...malah mungkin lebih teruk lagi....

7.Aku slalu kutuk2 bile ade citer org2 tua yg hidup susah mintak bantuan masuk dlm paper ke tv ke...aku anti btol bile ade ayat stereotype sebegini..."pak cik dan makcik x mempunyai 6 orang anak, masing-masing sudah mempunyai keluarga sendri...tetapi mereka suami isteri tidak mahu menyusahkan anak-anak mereka kerana anak-anak mereka juga hidup susah dan tidak mampu memberi wang kepada mereka.."ishhh...hangin betul aku...anak punye ramai,dah besarkan sampai boleh beranak pinak,nak bagi duit kat mak bapak pun xboleh....tapi realitinye...sejak aku bekerja nih...tiap kali nak bg parents aku duit....tangan dok menggeletar.....fuh....baru aku tau.....
8.aku selalu sengal bile ade makhluk yang bodoh sombong...jenis pikir gune kepale lutut....n blinded by irrelevant judgmental.Buat keputusan xnk pikir panjang, pastu org lain pulak yg kena cleaning up the messes....mase wat xhengat nak pakai otak...bile dah xbley handle pandai lak cari org....macam hape je.tapi aku pun same bodo gak,pasal malas gado...aku dok diamkan kebengapan diorg pastu jadi pencacai....macam aku xde life sendri...
9.aku dok bengang2 bile feed aku page asik penuh dgn mende entah hape2...status update bertukar every 5 minutes...sampai aku rase aku nih involuntary stalker lak..tp kadang2 haku punye game feed je dah beribu2 memenuhkan feed page org lain....aku xamik kire lak....
10.Aku selalu bising bile kene wat keje rumah...atas alasan...nape pompuan asik kene wat keje rumah...skang pompuan pun belajar, kerja best2...gaji pun banyak....perlu ke pompuan jadi kuli batak laki kat rumah...kene masak,basuh baju bagai...career woman la katekan....tapi bile tayar aku pancit...aku suro laki gak yg ganti tayar,bile lampu rosak,aku suro laki gak yg ganti lampu, bile angkat barang berat2,laki gak yg kene angkat,bile paip tersumbat....laki gak yg kene repair.....bukan aku pun yang buat semua tuh....pastu nak banyak2 bunyik lak.....
hmm...banyak lagi aku nak kutuk diri sendri nih....tp kene gi tolong kakak aku kat kedai....kalau ikut hati malas...tapi mak aku asik bising dari tadi suro gi tolong...cian kakak aku wat kerja (kang xg kan jadi anak durhaka,adik durhaka....)hmmmm....apela nak jadi dgn aku nih...

excuse me...do let me bitch about you....

aku memang sakit hati dgn sorang budak ni....dari dulu sampai skang perangai die same je...suke spread n speculate sesedap perencah mi maggi...pastu suka jual name orang...macam hape je perangai.aku dah lame simpan kot...tapi kali nih...klu nak terasa....lu pk la sendri....
mase aku lepak dgn member2 tesl dulu...(geng2 aku la) cite pasal die mesti naik, kire ramai sungguh org xpuas ati dgn die...smpi ade yg kate...kalau manusia lain,mungkin akan berubah...tp dia ni x, dan xkan langsung....
wes, aku nih kawan ko,aku sayang kat ko...tp pk la sikit bile bercakap tuh...pasal claim yg xbetul berape ramai org yg affected...n then yg aku sengal tuh...dah tahu yg die perangai camtu....ade lagi org nak percaye claim dia....enough la wes...yg korang ni pun, klu nak cari resource...bley x cari dari sumber yg sah...jgn percaye je bulat2....bukan aku kate jgn percaye kt die...but this is not d 1st time it happens...aku dah berbulu...dah bosan...
aku rase org lain pun dah boring,bukan aku sorg je...name aku dulu pun banyak kene jual...name org lain dah tentulah ade dlm list...so pade yg dah terkena tu...xphm2 lagi....dun let urself b d victim....n btw....jgn dengki kt org, jgn asik busybody hal org....sekian terima kasih...wassalam...

i can't sleep...

i can't remember the last time i sleep with the light out...i'm still scared i guess...the back of my neck feel cold...talked to my dear just now..told him that i attempt to sleep without the light. lately i've been having a headache...i don't know whether it's the side effect of the infection on my appendicitis surgery wound or i am really having a head ache.but every time i see the bright light it's killing me.
Just my luck i guess.that my mr moo broke down and cannot be used.right when i need him the most.looks like i need to find a replacement for him tomorrow..so now i have two not working desk lamp...i don't know what to do with peabody n mr moo...it's a pity to throw them out...since they are so cute...so tonight like it or not...i have to rely on the aromatherapy candle that can only provide dim light...i think it's dimmer than dim...the candle only last for 4 hours...so what should i do if i wake up after 4 hours later...would i panic and do something unnecessary???
I'm hugging Jr now...somehow i don't feel relieve at all...i can't sleep without thinking that something hiding in the corner...should i open by bedroom door???but i don't feel safe doing that either...damn being paranoid is not fun at all...i used to love sleep in the dark so much...why can't i just sleep???at this moment...i really hate the people who did a crime and left the nightmare imprint in their victim's thought...i can't sleep...and i have to work tomorrow...my head ached so much....i hate this....

what is wrong with domestic type of boy??

a friend asked me, why you always end up choosing mommy's boy who has less potential in life when you could be with some one who has every potential in the world? well, if you asks me what type of guy i'm attracted to...it's the mummy's boy a.k.a.domestic boy..the reason is simple...i don't like macho guys who thinks that they are too cool and too whatever....well, some of my friends prefer the mature type of men, preferably beyond 30, have a stable life and more experience.I have no problem with that. But to think of having them as my significant other. i don't think i can tolerate that. It simply because those man think that since they are more mature and have more experience, they are right and then they start to look down on the inexperience me...and the more aged they become, the frequent they think about the three letter words which is SEX...hahahaha...i don't know why i've become judgmental but considering the fact that the increasing number of the husband around the age 30 and above cheating on their partner and duped the innocent girl make me a scaredy cat when I'm around them.However it's a matter of perception. I feel more like myself with someone less mature and childish.I like the fight when we argue for something irrelevant rather than the silent treatment given by most mature men towards their woman when things don't go their way coz they think it so silly that it's not worth the fight. I feel more communicative with boy my age or lesser.the less macho they are the better.i don't care if they are spoilt. the mature man gives a chill to my neck...They tend to talk about something heavy to show how serious and focus they are. as if it could motivate me...it just degrading me deeper when they start doing that. I feel insulted and rebellious around them..there is no way i could tolerate them in the long term.
At first i thought, the reason i have this kind of sentiment is because of the paranoia that i had towards mature man.or maybe my mind still haven't reached the level of maturity yet. So i thought it will get better in time. Sooner or later i will learn to accept them since I also will aged some day..But maybe due to the feminism movement or the fact that i have less reliance towards man since my childhood,the influence of having a mature man by side is not significant at all or perhaps is dim and unclear. and i realize I'm too selfish to give. I'm too selfish to give up what i'm working for. So instead of giving up everything for man, i choose to choose the man who can accept me the way i am. the selfish, headstrong and devil tongue me rather than a complaisant girl with warm affection which of course the fake me.
Therefore i choose to be with a mommy's boy. I don't care if people call them passive, undecided, uncertain about life or naive. It doesn't bother me. I need to feel needed. They need me.That one thing i know for sure.Yeah, I know the negative side perfectly well since most or all maybe the guys that i've dated in the past are mommy's boy. they are sweet, they love to be pampered, they love to please, they are cute n innocent like a small animal.Yep, they can be irrational sometimes, well maybe most of the time.They adore their parents and can't bear to live without them.But since they are so close to their parents, especially their mother. It shows that they appreciate woman more. I know that there will be a rivalry between the mother and me.i am aware of that consequence.so that's why my only concern is on how to get on the mothers' good book. if i'm already on the list. I guess half the problem is settled.
Well if i need to choose between the guys who show their calm face in front of me when i yell at them and someone who yell at me back...i would choose the latter. call me crazy but i don't care. it is communication. At least i know he is responding to me instead of brushing me aside like most people who claimed to be mature often does.okay I can't make general assumption.But most so called mature man i know does that.and most mommy's boy are less likely to resort to violence.since they are close to their mother and receive enough love to turn out good-natured individual.
In this new era, where the man are no longer the sole breadwinner of the family. It's no use to keep their pride high up by acting superior...i guess since woman also chipped in here and there to fill some holes on the family expenses.we also have a right to choose what we want to do.i don't want to get married to someone who wants to take control over everything and make me a liability. what i want is a person i could be with, no matter in what condition. who accept the ugly me when i woke up in the morning and passionately kiss me good morning and hug me when i'm sweating like a pig, a crybaby when they feel sad, and a happy monkey when they get excited. I don't need maturity when it comes to love. those things, it will come naturally.

just craps..

recently...i happened to stumble upon a local newspaper. on the first page written something that sounds like "Hadiah najib ketepikan nasib bumiputera"..it attracted my attention to read more. and after finished reading the article, the only words that came from my mouth was "bullshit"..i don't know about everyone else, but one thing for sure. I had enough of this bumiputera drama. what's the point of whining about how many bumiputera out there who "masih hidup merempat" compare to other races.and what's the point of barking (sorry for using that language,but i think it fits) about how NGO's of other races are so supportive when it comes to helping their own race compare to bumiputera NGO's.
The world is getting older now, Malaysia has been freed from the colonization more than fifty years ago. But one thing still remain the same, the fact that the Malays always depends on others to help them achieve what they want. remember how sultan seeking aid from the white man when they want to stop the rebellion of their own flesh and blood.For the sake of power, they are willing to give up land and territory to the white man to get rid of their own brothers...
I just don't understand the fact that the Malays hate outsiders so much but at the same time licking their shoes when they want something.The Malays always thinks just because they are the majority, their words does count. this snobbishness and absurdness is what makes other people look down on them. They use their votes to threat the political power to bow to their own selfish reason. saying stuff like "abolish this or we won't vote you","decrease this or we won't vote you","forbid this or we won't vote you", give me this or we won't vote you" "help us or we won't vote you" or "let this person go or we won't vote you".
Don't tell me it's all for greater good because it only makes me vomit. When god created human, god never says that human should be separated and bound by race, by religion or by language. Never did God says that "this race should be better than the rest" or "this race will have a sure place in heaven".
The paranoia occurs when we lack of knowledge of things. it makes us scared of the unknown.That's why we keep suspecting that other races will try to feed us pork or try to make our kids change their religion.when we condemn the white people about their ignorance of Islam and how they relate Islam with terrorism, has it not occur to our mind, that we are just the same as them and we actually prove them right by showing them such an impudent violent behavior such as shouting and vandalizing the facility in order to voice out our dissatisfaction or behaving like a mob when things doesn't go our way.
Our loud sentiment scares people away.Our rigidness doesn't allow an intelligent thinking to take place.Our pride is slowly decaying our race.But we are still as clueless and carefree. we and our foolish self-confidence is the sole contribution of our fall.but, we still close our eyes from seeing the real issue and put the blame on other people and other insignificant things.
Just look at ourselves in the mirror and ask these question to ourselves "have i served my country enough?, have i contributed enough?", "have i taught my kids enough?", "have i gave my greatest effort to improve myself enough?", "have I made my kids respects me enough?", "have i made people like me enough?", have I helped other people enough?", "have i sacrificed enough?", "have i done enough improving my economic status", "have I helped by giving the younger generation job opportunity?", "when do i stop begging and try to be independent economically?","when do i stop using my crony connection to get what i desire?" and many more.
Trust me, this issue and what we are facing right now at this moment has nothing to do with other races or religion or languages. It's about us.It's about our paranoia to accept something we are unfamiliar with because we sit in the comfort zone long enough that we are unwilling to let go. We condemning things we don't understand without realizing that the chair that we are so comfortably sit on has broken it's leg one at a time and it's only a matter of time that we stumble and fall because of our own doing.
Just look at our kids. Our youth of the nation, the pillar for the future generation. The foundation of future civilization and you will understand that our hope is slowly dimmed and fade away. Give this kid conscience, give them something to hope for, teach them the words responsibility,teach them to respect others, teach them to share, teach them to be humble, teach them to be honest, teach them that when we start to love others the world will be a better place.it's all start at home. Don't try to be a hero if you are fail to do your first and foremost job god has given you.Stop saying things about rights,discrimination,bribery, sex scandals or cronisme when you don't know where your children are at night.respect is earned, it's not given and love knows no boundary. The greatest love is from god, and to god we leave things we are uncertain about.

something i wanted to share with you guys...

This afternoon..when i was stuck in a heavy traffic...my eyes caught something that made my heart filled with guilt...with shame...
I used to be judgmental when it comes to immigrant worker. Seeing their rough image, messy hairstyle is really disturbing for me. Plus, the influence of the media that portrays the bad image of them make me feel uneasy and nervous. I used to be the victim of house breaking. So i could never see them as i see other people. I'm not a racist but due to my bad experience, it has blocked my sight to see the bright side of them.
There are times that I kept thinking which one of them will snatched my bag or when i was alone in the elevator with them, i felt a crawling sensation that they might harm me one way or another. Just by the way they look at me is enough to freak me out.
But, my perception change this very afternoon, though not a 100% rotation. Still, it changed a bit.
There was one guy, a bit muscular. I bet he is a construction worker. His outer appearance looked rough, with faded jeans and a sleeveless shirt. He was holding a backpack, i wonder if it's a signature sign for a foreign construction worker.Just like everybody else, he waited for the bus to take him home.
Suddenly, out of nowhere a blind man appeared and tried to cross the road. Since the road is quite congested with cars and there is no traffic light for the people to cross the road provided, it's impossible for the blind man to go to the other side of the road without help from other people.
But living in Kuala Lumpur, everybody was so busy with their own problem, too absorbed with their own world. They just looked at the blind man as if it was a show and the blind man was a clown to amuse them. I felt pity towards the blind man. I wished i could go out from the car and help him somehow.
Then this man, whose appearance like he did not give a damn, The one who did not wear a nice shirt, the one who looked like a thug in the neighborhood, walked slowly to the blind man. hold his arm and helped him cross the road.
Then, i cried. I cried because I was stupid. I cried because I realized. I've committed a crime. I judged before knowing, I labeled before understanding. I cried because i'm just like everyone else. Punishing not for the crime they did. But because of who they are.And this man, that very man that I thought a good for nothing bloke.His heart is purer than me. And suddenly, i feel small and i am ashamed of myself.