blurrrrr.....

I think i've wrote somewhere about me being incompetent as a woman...i mean about me being ugly be it in attitude n looks and also about my inability to commit..
when I think back and recall, i don't think I've the quality suited enough to be somebody's wife or mother.There's no motherly traits in me though most people know that I'm a primary school teacher..i guess it's proven somehow,considering lots will volunteer to be a witness and bear proof of my lack of womanliness...
I love to play,i have no respect towards elders,I'm stubborn as hell, plus a demon with a devil's tongue, i hate to cook...i loathed house chores, i speak what i think, and i throw a tantrum when i feel like it.I always argue even about the smallest thing..I am tactless with my words..and careless with my things.and some more of the ugly things other people would think of..i know no guy in the living world will be out on their mind to even have the slightest intention to be with me for the rest their life after they get to know me...the real me....
But knowing myself is certainly a better way to suppress my emotion...it's sort of like knowing my own limitation and continue doing what i do best...but lately, maybe due to the dullness of my recent life, and the fact that i feel lost in the middle of the jungle called working environment...i don't know what to look forward to...another day of the same old thing (which is not really old since i've only been teaching for 4 months),i have nothing to look forward to...my life is stagnant...the only thing that's changing is my weight...all the more reason to moan......
I'm not a pious girl, I have no manners...i try to be good at school.changing colours like a chameleon.And I do think at the moment my eyes do spin like one.And it makes me exhausted...and when I'm exhausted. I sleep and gain more weight.(I think people will start getting an idea that i really freak out about my weight.)and when i'm fat, my body become heavy, and when my body become heavy...of course i become lazy...it's a proven scientific chain reaction....nobody can defy that...
Well i guess at this point...there is still no one who would able to get the point of this gibberish piece...I'm sorry...but I need an outlet...and I've forgotten the URL of my own blog...I know it's pathetic...but i dun want to waste my energy to create another blog for just one post.So please bear with it or just click the X without hesitation....
I just want to scream...though I know what i want, but i don't know anything anymore, i don't know how to make it works....i don't know which way to go...and i'm scared of the possibility...i scared of growing up, i'm scared of building a life...i'm scared of the future...and my heart is beating like crazy and i feel suffocated every time i try to breath..it's painful and confusing...there's nothing more than I wish that time would just stop...just stop moving and freeze....urghhh...head ache...better stop now..